RIP Dio

Ronnie James Dio, he of Rainbow, Black Sabbath, Elf, and Dio, is dead at the age of 67. If you aren't familiar with his work, hit yourself. He was one of the best vocalists in rock/metal. So in tribute to Dio we will post some of his music. If you want to hear the man at his best, acquire Rainbow's second album Rising, one of the best/most under-appreciated albums of the 70's.

Video tribute

Peter Graves, star of Stalag 17 and It Conquered the World, is dead at age 83. It is usually our typical fashion to mock the dead while their bodies are still warm, thus proving we are superior for still living. But since Graves himself contributed so much to the field of mockery, particularly filmic mockery, we will instead post a compilation of his greatest work: the captain in the comedy classic Airplane.



He's watching gladiator films with the baby Jesus now.

Explaining this stupid country

Congressman John Murtha died the other day and while it is official TB policy to mock the recently deceased (if at all possible minutes after their reported death) there really isn't much comedy to mine out of the death of an old hack politician croaking under semi-normal circumstances. Plus, he flared up the whole anti-Iraq war debate so there is residual appreciation.

But the man was an avowed money whore and never met a gaudy, expensive military boondoggle that he wouldn't support. In fact, his passing will probably do more to effect the bottom lines of defense contractors than anything short of a new war. Need proof? Thanks to TPM we have visual evidence of this full page ad in the Washington Post taken out by Lockheed Martin in order to thank Rep. Murtha for his years of service. I assume they meant to the country, but it doesn't really come across that way.


And you thought corporations didn't feel or have emotions just like regular people. That's why it's valid that the Supreme Court treats them like actual people. It was nice of them not to explicitly state that not only did they own Murtha, but that they'll own the next person from his district lock and stock, but I think they inferred it a little too heavily for a "In Memoriam" ad.

So vaya con diyos, Rep. Murtha. It's a shame we were too lazy to Photoshop a picture of you onto a rainbow bridge, but we were. Especially me. We would just like to offer our condolences to Johnstown. Mostly because Murtha's love for district pork and shady kickbacks comprised almost the entire Johnstown economy and now that he's gone the economy will just finish off what the flood and the Syracuse Bulldogs couldn't.

...and we're back

And we're back, after a little extended hiatus. What happened? The story of the day became about the federal budget and I went into complete catatonic shock due to boredom. Also, I may have had spotty/nonexistent internet coverage over the past few days and Sean may or may not be dead of some new, ultra-virulent super plague. But good news: people stopped pretending to care about the budget, the internets are working, and, after a tasteful funeral, a search to find a new Sean (to also be named Sean, so I don't have to change the site any) will be held.

Here, watch this video about terrorist Alaskan polar bears, I think it explains pretty much everything.

A guy you probably never heard of died

Punk rocker Jay Reatard died the other day. Most people probably haven't heard of him, but as someone who has been listening to him extensively over the past year, you'd be hard pressed to find better punk albums, hell, better rock albums, than his most recent album Watch Me Fall or his Matador singles collections '08 and 06-07. Listen, enjoy.

Cheap Blogging Crutch 09.16

Wall Street Gambles on Old People Dying
Via Matt Taibbi comes this look at how Wall Street continues to make people who pile kittens into burlap sacks in order to drown therm in a river look like decent humans. What have they done this time? They've bundled life insurance settlements together like mortgage back securities and essentially allowing investors to wager on when people will die. This sounds like it'll end well.

DIY Pics From the Edge of Space for Just $150
Ever wanted to take pictures of the curvature of the earth or perhaps make the family gerbil and unwilling traveler into the mesosphere? Thanks to two Asian guys from MIT (was there any ever doubt?) you can now recreate the feat for a mere Benjamin and Grant, which is much less money than it cost those rotten Spanish kids who did the same thing. It costs even less if you're willing to part with your beloved Styrofoam beer cooler and steal a camera.

Dorgan Supports Climate Legislation So Long As It Doesn’t Address Climate Change
Great news for climate change legislation. Senator Byron Dorgan is willing to sign on to any action that aggressively addresses climate change as long as it doesn't aggressively address climate change. Or weakly address climate change for that matter. With leadership like that we'll have effective environmental legislation sometime right after the sun fries our brains at the exact moment we're drowning in pure melted ice cap water.

One in three votes for President Karzai 'was faked', EU observers find
Look at the bright side: that mean 66% of his votes were real. That's over half! Sure it wouldn't have been enough to avoid a runoff, bu he still won....a plurality. Look, even though we condemned vote rigging in Iran (sort of), I think the UN needs to realize that sometimes fraudulent elections can be a good thing. Like when it marginally benefits US interests. Stop being such a stickler on the meaning of "democracy".

Patrick Swayze and Chris Farley's Last Dance
To some people, they will remember Patrick Swayze as the star of Dirty Dancing and Roadhouse. To many, he will always be the bank robbing surfer Bodhi who squared off with Keanu Reeve's Johnny Utah in Point Break. But to everyone that matters, he will be the buy that was dancing next to Chris Farley in the SNL Chippendale's sketch. They're both dead now, and that's kind of depressing.

Err, uh R. I. err, uh P.

As we learn that Massachusetts Senator Ted "Sweaty Teddy" Kennedy has shuffled off to that big oil drum full of Jameson's in the sky, await a litany of uncouth comments from members of the right wing media establishment unable to contain their glee at this development, and lament the fact that Hulu or YouTube does not have one fucking clip of Phil Hartman or anyone from SNL doing a Ted Kennedy impression, we of course turn the discussion to the only thing that matters: naked political calculation about health care legislation.

It’s tempting to imagine that his death could prod the Senate into action on health care reform. It would be an extraordinary, and perhaps fitting, historical irony if Kennedy’s death provided the final moral impetus to accomplish one of the primary causes to which he dedicated his life.

LOLerskates! Good one. Yeah, I'm sure Republicans and Blue Dogs will be climbing over themselves to pass health care because Ted Kennedy died. In fact, most of the opposition was probably pumping their fist in joy because there's no way Democrats could reach 60 votes on their own until a Massachusetts special election happens. Though actually when you come to think of it the self-reverential, bullshit collegial, self-absorbed circle jerk mentality of the Senate is so great that the might actually be spurred to do something in honor of their dead friend. Do something to help the American people: get fucked. Do something that makes them get a big ole "for the Senate!" hard on: possible.

Of course these are the same people that tried to use Kennedy's brain tumor to spread fears about rationing, so maybe their "America: go die of typhoid in the gutter" mentality is just too strong to overcome their own "wank themselves off" notions of Senate fellowship. But we'll see. For now it's time to make a few cheap booze jokes, remember Kennedy's actual fights for actual liberal causes, possibly write an offensive Broken in Brief piece, wonder what if, dust off your terrible Kennedy impression, remember a speech or two, and hope that the cause he spent his entire life fighting for gets passed in some decent form.

Over the weekend

A round-up of things that happened over the weekend while we were all eating nurgers to the sound of the sky exploding.

Robert McNamara, Architect of Vietnam War, Dies at 93
God, during his all-time record run of celebrity killing, has taken Robert McNamara. *Sniff* and he still had so many ill-conceived wars left to give us. His last words were reportedly either "Yeah, the blood still won't come off my hands" or "I can't believe the fiasco in Iraq didn't help rehabilitate my image by proxy. Fuck it, I'm out!" In his post-government career he took to helping the poor with financial aid and showing remorse, regret, and self-reflection for that whole Vietnam thing. Remember kids, if you want to start a war try to think about and experience those thoughts and emotions before you do it.

Afghan Presidential Candidate Takes a Page From Obama's Playbook
James Carville has decided to go to Afghanistan to help advise the campaign of the man running against Karzai. Carville ought to be able to give great insights on all the strategies that don't work against Obama's, seeing as he helped mastermind some of them for Hillary. They hope to turn the candidate Ghani into the Muslim Obama, which is coincidentally what John McCain wanted to do to the actual Obama. They hope to recreate the whole Obama phenomenon and campaign strategy....except without the whole internet & TV thing. The initial slogan is rumored to be "Severely Tempered Hope".

Ethnic Clashes in Western China Are Said to Kill Scores
You think news out of Iran is hard to come by? Try China. They announced that for some reason there were ethnic clashes in the city of Urumqui, that you shouldn't really worry your pretty little head why or even where that city is, and that as a result 140 people are dead and the number of injured is creeping up into the low thousands. The clash was reportedly between Uighurs and Han over...something....which will never be heard about again. Right now Khamenei is shaking his head and saying to himself "That's how you do it."

He's selling Awesome Augurs to Jesus now

Christ, God really hates celebrities this week. Next up on the Lord's smite-list is TV pitchman Billy Mays. That sound you hear is Shamwow's Vince Shlomi trying not to sound thrilled that he's got the only TV product hawking game left in town.

In honor of Mr. Mays, the only logical place you would go for a Billy Mays tribute, Fuck Yeah Sharks, has been running FYS pics in honor of the man who brought us so many things that we considered buying while drunk in the middle of the night/afternoon. Go with God Billy. Farrah, Ed, and, depending on the accuracy of the child rape allegations, Michael are all waiting for you. Dump a little OxyClean on the ground in tribute.

No, man. He made "Thriller". [pause] Thriller.

A music legend passes and so begins thousands of career retrospectives and interviews where everyone just decides to politely skip over the last decade or so of his life. Say what you will about the child touching but the man could write a song....during the late seventies up through the early nineties. Off the Wall, Thriller, Bad, and even Dangerous all killed, and I defy you to find a better three song span on an album than 4. Thriller, 5. Beat It, 6. Billie Jean.

You know who really feels bad? The family of Farrah Fawcett. Welcome to the Mother Teresa club. You had the misfortune of dying on the same day as a global star. I bet tomorrow's gonna involve a lot of awkward conversations for Ryan O'Neil. "So how's Farrah doing? Still hangin' in there? Oh, she died? I....didn't hear. Did you hear Michael Jackson died? Yeah, Thriller was great. But hey, Charlie's Angels was pretty decent too."

I guess this just goes to show that the MSM only thinks its news when a white man dies.

Broken News: McMahon to vie for seat at God's right hand

SILVER CITY--In a stunning turn of events, sources close to the Most High have revealed that freshly dead celebrity Ed McMahon has been tapped to replace Jesus at the right hand of God. Those familiar with the whims and wishes of The Creator said His chief Seraph opened negotiations with McMahon's representatives almost immediately after the affable "Tonight Show" sidekick had completed his exit interview with Saint Peter.

Experts predict the former late night mainstay, game show host and face of the Publisher's Clearinghouse sweepstakes will land something in the neighborhood of a ten-century, 500-virgin deal, not including an expected record-breaking signing bonus.

The move is expected to bolster flagging ratings and decreased interest in an omnipotent being humanity used to fear and revere, but now sees as stodgy and behind the times. Those working behind the scenes hope the addition of a noted showbiz professional will revive abject terror interest in God that recent polling suggests has flagged due to Jesus being viewed as an "unnervingly morbid" member of the undead.

When asked to explain such a sudden change in policy, Ethereal Plane insiders hinted at a widening rift between The Almighty and His son, Jesus Haploid Christ, who has retained the RHoG spot for nearly 2,000 consecutive years. This spat is apparently rooted, among other things, in last summer's botched attempt to replace The Holy Ghost, after which the relationship grew cold.

Asked how one recently deceased media whore could possibly challenge the Throne, a winged pundit said, on condition of anonymity, "Change is good. And everyone loves an overweight, money-hungry drunk with a nose redder than Rudolph's. For the first time since Jerry Garcia died, we are dealing with a prospect who is actually capable of challenging Big J on a chemical level. And this is a guy with wine for blood."

He then clarified, "Jesus, I mean. Not sure about Eddie. I think what runs in his veins closer to a mixture of absinthe and jet fuel."

"Listen, have you taken a look at Earth recently? The Big Guy is clearly a fan of the sauce." Said another creature of light with intimate knowledge of the proceedings. "Shit, Dean Martin or Robert Mitchum would've had this seat back in the mid-nineties if they hadn't both told God to piss off and gone back to drinking bourbon out of Cleopatra's bra and starting bar fights with Gary Cooper."

Those close to the Son of God say that far from being angered over this decision, he welcomes the change. Several apostles have noted that the constant strain of working so closely with one's father, as well as long-festering tension over God not mentioning the whole Crucifixion thing until the day before it happened. Sources also point to stylistic personality clashes stemming from Jesus' more serious, brooding demeanor.

"They're just two different people, you know, when they aren't unified together in the Trinity as one being," said former apostle, author, and drinking buddy of Jesus', Mark.

"God has more of a Borscht Belt/Catskills/Henny Youngman kind of vibe, whereas Diamond J is more of a political thinker and populist/humanist. God would be cracking jokes about airplane food and Jesus would be raging over social injustice. And moneylenders, always had something to say about the moneylenders. Maybe God told him to 'Get off the cross' one too many times. McMahon knows how to sit there, not flinch, and laugh at a bad joke. He's perfect."

"God's sense of humor isn't for everybody," Mark finished, noting the platypus, the placement of Israel within the Middle East, the works of Tyler Perry, turning people into pillars of salt, and the Trail of Tears as prime examples.

Supposedly, the plan is for McMahon, pending a final interview with God, to take over in July, with Jesus moving down to a less-stressful, part-time slot. Should this changeover not prove successful, there are those who have intimated that the Holy Host was willing to give Jimmy Fallon or Conan O'Brien cancer in order to attract a younger demographic.

Recent arrival George Carlin, who was celebrating his one-year anniversary of still refusing to believe any of this fucking bullshit sun worship, shook his head and went back to writing.