Cheap Blogging Crutch 06.04

Portland artist Alexander Rokoff painted a portrait of Modest Mouse frontman Issac Brock... standing in front of a boar whist wearing lederhosen. This is not that important, except for the part where it now hangs in the office of the mayor of the city of Portland, Oregon. Eat it, Eric Judy and Jeremiah Green!

Sean's off on a street corner, preaching from the bible he wrote and looking for "converts", so it falls to me to recount the things that happened today that weren't related to oil being everywhere. That doesn't leave much, so there's some oil stuff in here too. Fuck you if you don't like it.

Local Pittsburgh politician and future victim of having trash dumped on his lawn, Councilman Matt Drozd, has a bright idea for the Stanley Cup finals going on right now between Philadelphia and Chicago: he wants people in Pittsburgh to root for Philly based on some arcane tax revenue/yay Pennsylvania reasons. After my urge to stab him subsided, I decided to honor the Flyers in much the way I'm sure they did when the Pens were in the Finals the past two years... but then I decided against urinating on myself while decrying a league wide conspiracy against my team. Fuck you Drozd and don't ever suggest -even in jest- that we root for anything to happen to Philadelphia besides some epically Biblical smiting.

Let's check the score on BP and celebrities. Listened to Kevin Costner? Check. Listened to James Cameron? That's a negatory good buddy, with BP turning down the director/undersea documentarian's help in providing access to underwater equipment/technicians. Cameron responded by saying "those morons don't know what they're doing" and referred to BP's handling of access to video and the site as "asking the perpetrator to give you the video of the crime scene". Uh-oh, looks like I know who the thinly veiled, subtle as a sledgehammer, mustache twirling villains of Avatar 2 are going to be. Hurts, doesn't it, neocons?

In "Democracy" news, Diebold, the crooked, politically active, former makers of easily hacked and zero paper trail voting machines, had to pay $25 million to the SEC to settle a fraud case. The SEC will continue to pursue criminal charges against three of Diebold's executives. Gee, if this is the way they handle their books and their accounting, it really warms your heart to think about the way they handled all those voting machines.

In "This is how the world works" news, a recent lawsuit that attempted to sue pretty much every energy company for creating emissions and global warming conditions that helped exacerbate Hurricane Katrina -effectively a trial on global warming- will not be allowed to continue. Why? because so many of the judges on the 16 judge appeals court panel had to recuse themselves because of "conflicts of interest" with the energy companies, that no true majority opinion can be reached and thus the case cannot proceed. So that makes it pretty much all three branches of government that are completely entwined with private interests. I was worried it was only two.

A study recently published by two UCLA economics professors showed a surprisingly political effects between "nudging" people about energy conservation -i.e. providing energy saving tips as well as information on electricity usage to households- and energy consumption. Those who were registered Democrats who received the "nudges" tended to cut consumption by 3-6%. But those who were registered Republicans actually increased consumption as a result of the "nudges". They essentially scientifically showed that conservatives would actively act out against their own interests if they received what they perceived as a "liberal"/"pussy environmentalist" message on it. For further evidence of this phenomenon, I submit the past two decades in US politics.

Finally we close with the best orangutan/hound-dog buddy video of the week. Caution: you might overdose on cute and go into catatonic "Awwwwwww" shock.

This week in mind shattering testicle injuries

In all the post-game kvetching and whining about handshakes and "how dare that Crosby kid celebrate with his teammates instead of recognizing the Red Wings need to make a strict tee time" you began to wonder if some of the complaining Wings, namely Kris "Can't spell 'Kris Draper' without 'Kid Raper'" Draper, Henrik Zetterberg, and Nick Lidstrom, had any sort of balls. Well it turns out that Lidstrom does have a pair, they were just horrifically injured.

If Detroit captain Nicklas Lidstrom looked a little sluggish at times during this Stanley Cup Finals, he has a very, very, very good excuse. He suffered a "nearly catastrophic" testicle injury in the Conference Finals. Now how do you feel?

Personally, I feel that if there is one way you don't want your testicle injury to be described, it's "nearly catastrophic." Lidstrom actually missed the final two games of the Chicago series after Patrick Sharp allegedly gave him the "how's your father" with his stick, but the true reason for his absence wasn't widely reported—officially he had a "lower body injury" a fact that Globe and Mail opinionist Bruce Dowbiggin laments in his latest column.

"Nearly catastrophic testicle injury". Ball spearing. Sack ripping. If you'll excuse me, I'll be doubled over and coughing. My groin is grimacing in pain at the same time my mind recoils in horror. See...the...thing is...........no, I can't continue, I'm going to go ice my whole midsection down, just in case.

Broken In Brief: Unused Red Wings championship t-shirts diverted from Third World to Detroit

DETROIT—Today the National Hockey League and UNICEF announced that instead of donating irrelevant "Detroit Red Wings 2009 Stanley Cup Champions" apparel to the impoverished Third World nations of Africa, the items will instead be sent to the impoverished third-world city of Detroit.

“After much deliberation, we have decided to send these shirts and caps to where they are most needed,” announced NHL Commissioner Gary Bettman, during a morning press conference. “We believe that the basic shelter from the sun that these garments will provide, not to mention the psychological boost Detroit's citizens will receive by thinking something positive happened to their city this year, far outweighs the good they would have done in Africa."

Continued Bettman, "The NHL and UNICEF are proud to do whatever we can to mitigate the misery felt by the beleaguered citizens of that destitute Third World hell hole. Plus, we'll save a bundle on shipping.”

Whereas the shirts and caps would normally be put on a cargo vessel bound for the west coast of Africa, aid officials speculate they can cut fuel costs by over 90% by simply dropping boxfuls at Detroit's high-traffic public areas: soup kitchens, homeless shelters and freeway underpasses. Added UNICEF spokesperson Kyle Madigan, "I think the people, and I use that term loosely, of Detroit know better than most how important it is to conserve fossil fuels."

Reaction from the Third World was largely positive. “I think these people just need these garments more than we do,” said Thabo M’Leza, a subsistence farmer from the Mbemba tribe of Nambia, while wearing a 'New England Patriots: 19-0' t-shirt. “We have heard of these hardships faced by the Detroit people and, frankly, we are in awe of their suffering. Let them have the shirts and some manner of dignity; we’ll get by without the free hats. We wouldn’t wish their troubles on our worst enemy.”

Nike and the NBA have already agreed to join the NHL in bringing some measure of humanity to a city that has quickly become everything foretold by the Robocop films. NBA Commissioner David Stern has offered to send unused Orlando Magic championship caps, as well as shirts bearing the “Kobe vs. LeBron: The Finals matchup everyone’s been waiting for” slogan.

Said a clearly emotional Stern, "No American should ever be looked down upon in pity by Windsor, Ontario."

Representatives from the City of Detroit were unavailable for comment, however sources close to whichever oft-indicted criminal is sitting behind the mayor's desk this week say that they are looking forward to a time when the rest of the nation grows tired of kicking the Motor City as it lies fat, irrelevant and helpless on the oily ground.

City of Champions

I'm score! I'm Conn Smythe!

“There’s nothing I’d like more than to be able to shake Marian’s hand at the end of this series, look him in the eye and say, ‘You chose the wrong team.’”

They couldn't do it the easy way. No blowout wins or four game sweeps this round. Just heartstopping play, close games, and years being carelessly hacked away from the ends of Pittsburgher's lives. Game seven, Crosby injured for 2/3rds of the game, refs putting their whistles away, and Detroit needing one goal to tie it up and send it into overtime. But in the end they pulled it out, riding Talbot and Fleury to a game 7 victory and the Pens 3rd cup.

The best thing about this? Other than having gone through the agony of the Rico Fata/Dick Tarnstrom/Lasse Pirjeta/Milan Kraft, team is up for sale, Kansas City has a new areana, Jim Balsille bought the team, oh wait no he didn't years and coming out the other side with a new arena and cup? Other than listening to a whole summer of bitter Red Wings, Capitals, and Flyers fans ranting and whining about the league-wide conspiracy to have the team with the two best players win the cup? Sidney Crosby-21, Evgeni Malkin-22, Marc-Andre Fleury-23, Jordan Staal-20. None of them are 25 and all of them are locked up for years and years and years. This is just the beginning.

Oh, and to Judas Hossa....

"You chose.....poorly."

"You get nothing! You lose! Good day sir!"

"I said good day!"

Picture of the day

Penguins fans reaching all the way to the street just to be able to watch the hockey game going on inside the Igloo on a big screen. Estimates put the crowd size outside the arena at 6,000 for Game 3 and around 10,000 for Game 4. Such a great idea to stop this and to not to let it happen for the remainder of the series, NBC. Really smart.

Cheap Blogging Crutch 06.05

North Korea's Kim Anoints Youngest Son As Heir
Scratch any plans you had of moving to North Korea and running for President after Kim Jong-Il kicks off. Seems they're a little nepotistic in Pyongyang. Shocking. Though given the exponential increase in craziness from Kim Il-Sung to Kim Jong-Il, I wonder how crazy we can expect Kim Jong-Un to be? Might someone be making a go a Caligula's "Craziest Leader" title? We'll have to wait and see.

Earth Gets Billion-Year Life Extension
Just in case you were thinking of scuttling your plans to put your brain in a robot body in a bid for immorality just because the Earth only had a lousy billion more years to go, well you are in luck. Science has given the Earth a full 2.3 billion years of habitability. So get back in the garage and keep tinkering, science says it'll be worth the effort.

U.S. Accidentally Releases List of Nuclear Sites
Whoops! Ever have one of those days when nothing goes right? You burn your toast, catch every red light, get shot down by the pretty girl at the office, you lose your briefcase, and then you accidentally release a confidential list of every nuclear site in the United States? Yeah, that happens to everyone. Especially the nuclear one. Boy is egg gonna be on this guy's face if a nuclear site is attacked by terrorists. He's gonna get ribbed so hard at the water cooler.

Manchester United name Aon Corp as new £80m shirt sponsors
An era come to an end. The government is no longer funding the shirt sponsorship of the world's premier (or at least second best) soccer team. Sadly this kills my dream of getting them to put Ben Bernake's head on the front of their jerseys. Good choice going with another financial services giant, ManU. It worked so well last time.

Miranda Kerr Naked On Rolling Stone For Environment, "Specifically Koalas"
Thank dying koalas and a tragic eucalyptus shortage, for a near nude Miranda Kerr. Though this does raise an important question: exactly how many koalas are you willing to make sure die in order to get Kerr to not strategically cover up her naughty bits? Is it strange that I know the exact number of koalas I'd be willing to murder?

Evgeni Malkin's mother's lucky borscht
Want to know the secret borscht recipe that's fueling Evgeni Malkin to the most points in a playoffs since Gretzky in 93 and the most multi-point games since Lemieux in 92? The PG come through in spades. "1 pound any kind of meat, cubed." Oh Mrs. Malkin, I think I'm in love.

Fare thee well Carolina

Play the Canes off, keyboard cat. Not even the vaunted Conference Finals winning expertise of one William Laird Cowher could help Carolina avoid the drop. Four games, four wins, utter domination. Jordan Staal gets to talk shit to Eric all summer and Tom Barrasso gets to use his winning attitude and warm people skills to repair the fragile psyche of the battered and abused Cam Ward. Sid and Geno dominate, as per usual, and both move into the top five all time in playoff points per game, behind Gretzky and Lemieux.

We move onward to an almost probable Finals rematch with the hated Detroit Red Wings and Benedict Hossa. Hopefully they'll finish off the Blackhawks tomorrow so the series can get started at a reasonable date, otherwise the Pens won't see the ice until June 5th.

One more thing.