Above: A Treasury Dept. economist works late into the nightWASHINGTON--As financial markets around the world react to the outcome of government-imposed "stress tests" on banks, TheseBastards has learned that initial findings suggest 15 of the 19 banks tested lacked the requirements of an Operating Thetan.
"To be honest, we expected more of these financial institutions," said a clearly dejected Treasury Secretary Tim Geithner. "We had projected that roughly two-thirds of the banks would rate somewhere around Dynamic Six, or the urge to 'survive as part of the physical universe and includes the survival of the physical universe.' Sadly, that was not the case."
Geithner continued, "As a consequence we feel that these fifteen banks will have to submit themselves to additional e-meter sessions and, naturally, more auditing. We will also recommend they purchase a kit of lectures, videos, and novels by L. Ron Hubbard. I don't want to be too pessimistic on their prospects, but I think there are going to have to be some serious financial donations to the Church from the financial sector if they want things to get better. That is, of course, if they truly want to get Clear."
This information came as a shock to the business community, as most had thought the TARP and FED bailout programs would be administered under the principles of economics, banking, and market theory, as opposed to the tenets of Scientology.
While both the financial industry and the media were under the impression that these stress tests were being conducted in relative secret within the confines of the Treasury Department and the West Wing, sources have revealed that they were actually administered on the platform of the 125th street subway station in East Harlem and at the Scientology Celebrity and Banking Center in Hollywood.
Further unnerving Wall Street was the fact that analysts had been factoring in credit, stock, and lending ratings for decades under the assumption that the finance sector was not in any way possessed by the long dead spirits of alien ghosts. However, these new new revelations have unnerved markets as leading analysts have even begun to suspect that many banks may be under voodoo curses, bigfoot infestations, possessed by human ghosts, or have headquarters built on sacred/cursed Indian burial grounds.
Still, some are relieved. "I was worried his dangerous insider connections to Wall Street firms was going to blind Secretary Geithner to the real problems that existed and the hard choices bound to be required," observed New York Times columnist and Nobel Prize-winning economist Paul Krugman. "But it turns out that his insider position taught him about the havoc these 'thetans' were wreaking on our subprime mortgages and credit default swaps. I mean, I didn't even factor alien soul invasion into my analysis. I feel like such an idiot. I might as well give this Nobel Prize back; I don't deserve it."
The report, released earlier today, suggests that Bank of America Corp., Citigroup Inc. and Wells Fargo & Co. will all be relegated to the status of Pre-Clear, pending further auditing and random stress tests. Additionally, each institution will be required to issue the Church of Scientology two pints of blood, any fillings in their teeth and a signed & dated blank check before undergoing further evaluation.
"We are as dissapointed as anyone else with these findings," admitted Church of Scientology spokesperson Marissa Florentine. "However, the Bridge to Total Freedom is not meant to be an easy process. We have every reason to believe that given enough time and exorbitant sums of cash, these fine institutions will become Clear and this financial/spiritual crisis will finally pass."
Ironically enough, these findings are being published a mere two days before one of Scientology's most sacred holidays, the May 9th anniversary of the publication of Dianetics: The Modern Science of Mental Health, published by L. Ron Hubbard 59 years ago.
Xenu, the universally recognized dictator of the Galactic Confederacy, was unavailable for comment at press time.
