The sparkly vampires are winning the war

An unsolicited ad for Stallone's upcoming Kersplode!!!! The Movie.



They had me at Dolph. Free pair of camouflage trucknuts with every ticket purchase.

Eat it, women. How dare you have entertainment that caters your own low rent interests over our low rent interests. On August 13th... PEW PEW PEW RATATATTAT KABOOOM!

Picture of the day

It's been hard going as of late for the Picture of the Day feature. Well, unless you want to see another photo of an oil covered turtle or something. But we decided that maybe it was time to stop the focus on man made environmental disaster and start focus on naturally occurring ones. Namely the Mount St. Helens eruption, which is celebrating its 30th anniversary. If you can "celebrate" such a thing.

See, Mother Nature can be just as destructive as oil corporations. I'm sure we'll be hearing that from a BP executive any day now.

So, via the Big Picture Blog: Mount St. Helens, 30 years ago to today. Also, as a bonus... because I'm lovely: a 30 year time lapse video of Mount St. Helens' recovery... as seen from space

Broken in Brief: Local Cop Walks Away Slowly as Something Explodes Behind Him

CHICAGO—Earlier today, tormented outlaw cop Jack Murphy was seen walking away slowly as most of the warehouse district exploded behind him.

“Yeah, there was this huge shootout between him and like two dozen Colombians,” said Walter Fields, a bystander who hid behind a stack of boxes while the epic battle was occurring.

“Murphy shoots them all in a pitched gun battle --without reloading-- and then I see him talking to the one Colombian he had left remotely alive. I couldn’t hear what Murphy said, but I bet it was gritty and embittered. He then flicked a lit cigarette into a pool of gasoline that had appeared and walked away as the man screamed "You'll pay for this, Murphy" and the building exploded. From reports I've heard, Murphy has already paid. Dearly.”

Murphy, a rouge officer with the Chicago police, has been waging a long and bloody battle with area drug cartels for the past few months. Blaming them for the death of his family, he has engaged in outlaw tactics that local citizens have deemed “the coolest shit they have ever seen in their lives”, ranging from various shootouts that would be killer to see in slow-mo, several exciting car chases, an incident where he was hanging from a helicopter as it spun out of control over the Sears Tower, and several mano-e-mano gun duels which ended with Murphy snarling out a terse, vindictive one liner before coldly shooting his prone opponent to death.

“After the initial fire raged, Murphy turned around and asked ‘Hot enough for you, Mendoza?’ before the building exploded even bigger than before,” finished Fields.

“It was the coolest shit I had ever seen in my life.”

Rad

Former disgraced House Speaker and small salamander namesake Newt Gingrich has had a tough time over the last few months. He's still egotistical and deluded enough that he thinks the country is clamoring for a Gingrich Presidency, so in turn he has to keep himself on the public eye. To that end he has taken to a slightly schizophrenic method of trying to keep his name out there, alternately trying to come off as not one of those crazy Palin-esque nutbag right wingers to the general public and as trying to come off as the King of the crazy Palin-esque nutbag right wingers to the GOP base. It's a tough tightrope to walk, especially when you have no principles.

So yesterday Newt was at the Southern Republican Leadership Conference in New Orleans. Among the notable things was the inability of anyone there to actually mention Hurricane Katrina. As an aside, what do you think were the main bullet points in the presentation on Southern Republican "leadership"? I'm guessing "crazy it up a little, a black guy is in office", "try not to be too racist, a black guy is in office", and "don't fuck mistresses in Argentina". Anyway Newt got up there to remind everyone what they were up against.

Former House Speaker Newt Gingrich, a potential presidential candidate in 2012, called Barack Obama on Thursday "the most radical president in American history" who oversees a "secular, socialist machine."
...
"The most radical president in American history has now thrown down the gauntlet to the American people: 'I run a machine. I own Washington and there's nothing you can do about it,'" Gingrich said. He urged his fellow Republicans to stop what he called Obama's "secular, socialist machine."

I was going to come up with some snark about Newt and his statement, but then our crack research staff uncovered something that proved his declaration that Obama was the most radical President in US history:



I think we all have to agree... that's pretty fucking radical! Maybe even tubular, stoked, bodacious, bitchin', boss, primo, or something that makes you say 'cowabunga' while doing some air guitar.

It's just a shame Obama couldn't be photographed catching air on his own branded line of skateboards.

So yeah, Obama is definitely the most radical goddamn President in US history. Unless someone finds a picture of Teddy Roosevelt jumping 20 school buses on a red, white, and blue motorcycle. Good call, Newt. I'm not sure about the "secular, socialist machine" part, but if that machine has giant claw hands, tank treads, the face of a mechanical dragon, rocket thrusters, and shoots lasers, well, I think Obama has the radical thing all sewed up.