Your new liberal Satan

"Chicks on the bench! I am literally thrilled about these developments. Wait till I tell Flo about this!"
"Mr. President, he's not going to speak about me or give me another awkward massage, is he?"
"No, on the former, probably on the latter. I'll call Rahm and see it we can't find Joe a skee-ball machine to occupy his time with."

President Obama has nominated Solicitor General Elena Kagan to be his choice to replace the retiring John Paul Stevens on the highest court in the land. We look forward to the kabuki confirmation process where her not answering any questions that reveal any kind of judicial thought is heralded as a necessary part of being selected to sit on the Supreme Court.

On the other hand, her confirmation is about to get all kinds of politically stupid, what with her alternately being the most accomplished nominee in the history of mankind/a liberal fascist set to yoke us under the brutal command of socialist abortion doctors who are also illegal Muslim -Mexican immigrants. So, we decided to perform a public service and give you the pros and cons of her nomination so you can be informed.

Pro: Either looks like American Comedian Kevin James or British Comedian David Mitchell, so is probably very funny.
Con: In perusing her writings I have found nothing as funny as this.

Pro: As an Obama court pick, it would be assumed that she holds all kinds of liberal positions.
Con: No, not really.

Pro: Would probably support a lot of things liberals support, right?
Con: Nope. Supports the ideological framework of the Bush/Cheney war on terror, the "rightness" behind their efforts, has spent her time as Solicitor General defending the Bush/Cheney and, to a slightly lesser extent, Obama approach to executive power, and isn't that great on civil liberties either.

Pro: Has a limited record and paper trail outlining her ideas.
Con: Wait, that's a good thing? Seriously? Doesn't sound like it.

Pro: As Papa Joe says, "Chicks on the bench!"
Con: Recent science suggest that the female uterus unmoors the basic fundamentals of our legal system and warps the legalistic underpinning of reality. Probably has something to do with estrogen.

Pro: Isn't a "goat fucking, child molester".
Con: That'll probably lose her both of Florida Senator's Bill Nelson and George LeMieux's votes.

Pro: Lots of people say we should take a leap of faith with Obama on this one and trust him.
Con: How'd that work out on health care, financial reform, environmental legislation, rolling back Bush era power grabs, ending the war on terror...

Pro: Nice, safe, middle of the road pick.
Con: Nice, safe, middle of the road pick.

Pro: Still, she'd ostensibly move the court to the left..... right?
Con: Nope. Weren't you paying attention? Considerably more conservative than Stevens.

Pro: Non-judge, so probably less judgmental.
Con: Maybe a judge is what you want sitting on the highest court in the land.

Pro: If she has such a conservative bent on civil liberties and executive power, then she won't be attacked by the right for being a leftist peacenik, right?
Con: What, were you born last fucking week or something?

Interesting facts

Did you know that there is no women's ski jumping at the Winter Olympics? I know what you're saying, "Yes, you clod, of course I know that. Every American lives and dies with the ups, downs, and revelations of the most popular sport in America: ski jumping."

I'm sorry for asking. But did you know that a women actually holds the ski jumping world record? Thankfully she's not allowed to compete because her lady parts would warp the ramp or something.

Lindsey Van holds the record - among both men and women - for the longest jump off of Whistler, B.C.'s normal ski jump, built for the 2010 Vancouver Olympics. The 25-year-old skier trains six days a week, 11 months a year and has been jumping for the past 19 years. But when games kick off on Feb. 12, the 2009 women's ski jumping world champion will be nowhere in sight. That's because women aren't allowed to ski jump in the Olympics.
...
In 2005, Gian Franco Kasper, FIS president and a member of the IOC, said that he didn't think women should ski jump because the sport "seems not to be appropriate for ladies from a medical point of view."

As a sport women's ski jumping meets all the required criteria for inclusion; participant numbers, history, world championships, international competitions, skis, jumping. But they aren't allowed in, so question naturally arise about discrimination and the ski jumping men being a little goosed about being shown up by girls.

Legally speaking, women are only allowed to be better at or paid more than men at sports we deem gay or at sports where we are allowed to take our focus off their athleticism and place it on their looking good in short skirts/swimsuits. In conjunction with the IOC and FIS, Mr. Kasper has also agreed that women are also allowed to be better than men at baby making and cooking within the confines of a home kitchen.

Now some fringe wags have passed on spurious rumors that this is somehow incongruous with Olympic ideals. But to them I say look at the Olympic motto. Now some erroneously believe the motto Citius, Altius, Fortius means Swifter, Higher, Stronger. That's just asinine and I don't know where they get their information. Most people know it to mean Swifter, Higher, No Fat Chicks, but that is also a mistranslation. It is actually Swifter, Higher, Know Your Place Ladies or We Will Knock You Out of This Competition Faster Than You Can Say "Socrates Wore a Skirt." Using the fourth declension genitive of Fortiuum means No Fat Chicks. Get your Latin straight.

But it's clear: no lady ski jumpers. Sorry. Van will just have to be content knowing that she's better than the men. I'm sure that'll pay for her training, right? Self-satisfied knowledge that you're the best is still legal tender, right?

'Tis the season

Don't worry Christians, CBS didn't forget about you.

Important recall announcement

I Heart Guts is sad to inform you that we have issued a voluntary recall for one of our products, the Uterus Plush. For those of you who noticed our impromptu hysterectomy, here’s the story: In an effort to make sure our toys are safe for all ages, the uterus plush failed a child toy safety standards test — basically, if you pull too hard on the fallopian tubes, the ovary pops off, creating a potential choking hazard for small children. While we figured a plush uterus might not be of great interest to kids — we designed it as a collectible plush for adults and marked them for ages 3 and up — we want to be absolutely sure no harm comes from playing with our guts.

I'll have you all know that a safer version is back up for sale at the bargain price of $14.00.