Oh... My... God....

GET OUT OF THERE!!!!!

Need a quick birthday party idea?

Children. God love 'em. They truly are the future. But sometimes the "future" needs to be severely traumatized and made to think that they are being stalked by a murderous demon who wishes to do them harm. We all know this. It has been a bog standard part of child raising since time immemorial. Thankfully one Swiss company has decided to take the hassle out of you yourself doing the own damage to your kid. You can now rent out that kind of psychological trauma.

Dominic Deville stalks young victims for a week, sending chilling texts, making prank phone calls and setting traps in letterboxes. He posts notes warning children they are being watched, telling them they will be attacked.

But Deville is not an escaped lunatic or some demonic monster. He is a birthday treat, hired by mum and dad, and the ‘attack’ involves being splatted in the face with a cake.

‘The child feels more and more that it is being pursued,’ said Deville. ‘The clown’s one and only aim is to smash a cake into the face of his victim, when they least expect it, during the course of seven days.’

See? He's not an escaped lunatic, just a professional one, and he's not a demonic monster, just dressed like one. Can't you see why this is such a great idea. I mean if the kid does avoid the attack/shitting his or herself.... they get to keep the cake! Surely that is a valid reward for a week of being stalked by a demonic clown.

As if you needed another reason to think this was perhaps the greatest idea ever, it has the full endorsement of Clowns International. I have no idea what Clowns International is but I really, really hope that it's a clown and clowning trade union, with leadership votes, dues, strikes, and everything. Smokey rooms filled with cigar smoking fatcats saying things like "We gotta bust up this clown union! Then we can really start makin' some money!" or a man in a full clown suit banging his hand on a table and yelling "You can't push the clowns around any more! We get a fair wage for a days clowning or we strike and shut down this clowning factory!" Maybe a weepy businessman says "These clowns have got us over a barrel... give in to their demands." At least that's the way it goes in my dreams.

So, if you wish to traumatize your kid and you're too much of a pussy to get a divorce and blame it on him/her, then this is he next best thing. Unfortunately it's only available in Lucerne, Switzerland for now. Hopefully someone will be bringing this service stateside soon, otherwise our kids will only have general American society and culture to do grievous mental harm to them.

You're going to need to fill that form out in triplicate

What is the best way to fight terrorism? As Americans we know that it is by some combination of indiscriminate bombings, poorly conceived and executed wars, and enhanced interrogations that involve some for of simulating drowning, barking dogs, or perhaps drowning combined with barking dogs in diving bells. This much is clear.

But what if you're a state of limited intelligence, possibly with a potable water and angry dog shortage? Well then you have to 23-skiddoo an idea of the top of your cranium. What do you think about fighting terrorism with the bureaucracy?

SUBVERSIVE ACTIVITIES REGISTRATION ACT

...
For the purposes of this chapter the following words, phrases and terms are defined as follows:

(1) "Subversive organization" means every corporation, society, association, camp, group, bund, political party, assembly, body or organization, composed of two or more persons, which directly or indirectly advocates, advises, teaches or practices the duty, necessity or propriety of controlling, conducting, seizing or overthrowing the government of the United States, of this State or of any political subdivision thereof by force or violence or other unlawful means;
...
SECTION 23-29-60. Registration of members of subversive and foreign-controlled organizations.

Every member of a subversive organization, or an organization subject to foreign control, every foreign agent and every person who advocates, teaches, advises or practices the duty, necessity or propriety of controlling, conducting, seizing or overthrowing the government of the United States, of this State or of any political subdivision thereof by force or violence or other unlawful means, who resides, transacts any business or attempts to influence political action in this State, shall register with the Secretary of State on the forms and at the times prescribed by him.

And what should happen if your terrorist organization fails to file with the state and provide a list of members before it burns down a black church, bombs the statehouse, or attempts to fly a single engine Cessna into Myrtle Beach's third largest Stuckey's? Those terrorists are subject to "a fine of not more than twenty-five thousand dollars or imprisonment for not more than ten years, or by both fine and imprisonment"

So c'mon terrorists, it's only five bucks. That's pretty cheap. Besides, you don't want to add bureaucratic form and registration violations to the mass murder, beloved rest stop desecration, and explosion related charges you'll be subject to should your plans to attack the vital American state of South Carolina come to fruition. That's just adding insult to injury.

Failure to properly heed our bureaucratic obligations is the last refuge of the scoundrel. Don't be one of those terrorists.

Broken In Brief: James Cameron to direct $400 million Bull Durham remake

HOLLYWOOD—Following a $77.3 million dollar weekend for the film Avatar, a movie which was criticized for a striking resemblance to the 1990 Kevin Costner film Dances With Wolves, director James Cameron announced that he had already selected his next project. However, those who heard Cameron's description of the project quickly realized that it sounded remarkably similar to Kevin Costner’s 1988 baseball-themed romantic comedy, Bull Durham.

“Unlike the last time, when I made you wait twelve years between Titanic and Avatar, I have already started pre-production on my next film,” Cameron announced on his blog.

“While it is yet untitled, I can reveal that it will cost upwards of half a billion to make, involve mo-cap CG characters in a photo-real CG environment, 3-D, and concern the story of a young, hotheaded space marine who lands on a foreign planet and is taught by a grizzled alien how to play the native’s sacred game of ba’se ba’ll at a competent enough level to succeed in the alien’s professional league. There will be a wizened space hooker who teaches the kid the ways of love and life, giant mechs, and a hilarious shower scene where a grizzled 10-foot pink space dog admonishes the team for lollygagging.”

Cameron then signed off by saying, “I’ll start printing up the money now.”

While no one is quite sure what is driving Cameron to spend hundreds of millions of dollars re-purposing old Costner movie plots around the technological framework of his Aliens movie, friends have noted that Cameron has more money than Jesus’ stock broker and, as such, can do whatever the fuck he wants.

When asked for comment, actor Kevin Costner wished to state for the record that not only was he not dead, but that he was also not retired from acting. Costner was careful to note that if Cameron was game, he would be willing to don a mo-cap suit to play any number of CG characters, “just to get out of the house.”