Sin maps

Wrath
Number of violent crimes (murder, assault, and rape) per capita.

Lust
Number of STD cases reported per capita.

via Wired comes the American Vice series, in which Kansas State took the seven deadly sins and mapped out in relation to per capita rates of said sins. Surprises? There is no place in the US that has a below average number of fast food restaurants. Appalachia is below the national average in STD's as hogs and sheep don't give the clap. What do we learn from the series? Texas, the South, and America's Wang are consistently dragging us down in God's eyes. Hopefully Jesus doesn't decide to throw the baby out with the bathwater. Just sink the South into the sea, as well of parts of California and NY/DC.

Because I hate you

Fred Phelps' Westboro Baptist Church God Hates "Fill-in-the-blank" Choir decided to drop the new hit summer jam for all the kids to groove to while they burn in hell. It's titled "God Hates The World" and is sung to the tune of "We Are the World." Because while God does hate gays, you, soldiers, America, Pomeranians, doorstops, chicken cutlets, the 1812 Overture, non-religious types, gays, Gouda cheese, the Ford Focus, and the 1973 Philadelphia 76ers, he does like re-purposing famous songs to spread his message of hate. In case you're wondering: it's exactly as classy as you think it is.

I think this will be the new "Poker Face". Get ready to hear it in the clubs.

Broken News: Papal visit to decimated region fails to inspire, console

Above: Pope Benedict XVI demonstrates God's loving embrace

ABRUZZO, ITALY--The Vatican's public relations suffered yet another setback as Pope Benedict XVI's message of divine love and hope toward relief efforts in the wake of an earthquake that has so far killed 294 people fell on deaf ears, many of which were perfectly functional a few weeks ago.

As he made his annual pilgrimage to the Holy Land, The Pope made a surprise visit to this crippled region in central Italy, arriving by helicopter to surprisingly little fanfare. The Holy Father made the visit in a desperate attempt to prove the relevancy of the church, which has come under fire for emphasizing doctrine over science in the anti-AIDS campaign in Africa, continued protection for pedophile priests, general coldheartedness, a tin ear towards real problems, and a universally panned album of hymns done as American Country-Western ballads.

"His holiness is a little slow on the uptake," said Giuseppi Franona, a spaghetti bender from the Pescara province who lost his wife and infant son in the earthquake. "I know he's busy waving at stadiums, excommunicating 9 year-old rape victims, and trying on all those hats, but the earthquake happened almost a month ago..."

Upon arriving, The Pope's handlers helped him scale a pile of rubble that was still inexplicably smoldering. After offering a brief prayer for the dead, Pope Benedict reassured all those present that, "God loves you and brings upon you all the blessings of His kingdom."

It was here that the gathering began to unravel. In an uncharacteristic move for any Catholic official, The Pope opened the floor to questions, even going so far as to encourage those present to "speak their minds here before God."

Miranda Tadeccio, a local seamstress who had lived in the town for 119 years, hobbled forward and addressed Pope Benedict.

"Your Holiness, we thank you for visiting our meager home in a time of dire need. But would you mind coming down from that pile of rubble? I believe you are standing atop what used to be my house, which collapsed on whatever remains of my children, grandchildren, and great-grandchildren. How could a just God allow this to happen?"

A clearly embarrassed Pope claimed that he was "...consecrating the ground, not inconsiderately standing on a still burning corpse pile" and that she needed to "pray to... um... St. Agatha... or Jesus" to find the answers she sought. In a bizarre attempt to console the distraught woman, the Holy Father did mention that the resulting three generations of her family were "...in a better place now, and I don't mean under seven tons of burning granite" before winking at her.

Noting he had made things worse but failing to understand why, the Pope told her to "get over it" before tugging around the neck of his vestments and nervously muttering, "Whew, tough crowd" to a Cardinal standing nearby.

After Tadeccio had been removed from sight and summarily excommunicated, Pope Benedict relocated to the town square after a brief meeting with his PR staff and again urged all those present to ask answers of him.

Michael Vizzulo, a 19 year-old bicycle repairman, approached The Pope slowly, his head bowed. After kissing the Pontiff's ring and muttering a brief prayer, Vizzulo explained that during the quake, he had personally seen his brother impaled through the chest by the shattered thigh bone of their father. During the chaos of the following day's rescue efforts, Mr. Vizzulo saw four different dogs urinate on his brother's corpse.

"Your Holiness, I know that our Heavenly Father has a plan for all His children, but doesn't all of this strike you as just a bit malicious?"

The Holy Father could only mutter a "fuck, that's gruesome" before launching into the standard "God has a plan", Jesus, pray, "God loves you", pray, post-trauma church litany. Afterward he instructed an aide to hand the man a Bible and proclaimed things "all better." Mr. Vizzulo seemed non-plussed.

Once a group of Carolingian monks finished beating a lesson about the "love of Christ" and "infallibility" into Vizzulo outside the town's perimeter, His Holiness boarded the PopeCopter and moved north towards Milan, where he hoped a day of shoe shopping at Gucci and Prada would sooth his rattled nerves and help him understand how the Catholic Church could better get in touch with the common people.

Your Obama vote was a mortal sin

Modesto pastor: Consider confession if you voted for Obama

Parishioners of St. Joseph's Catholic Church in Modesto have been told they should consider going to confession if they voted for Barack Obama, because of the president-elect's position condoning abortion.

"If you are one of the 54 percent of Catholics who voted for a pro-abortion candidate, you were clear on his position and you knew the grav- ity of the question, I urge you to go to confession before receiving communion. Don't risk losing your state of grace by receiving sacrilegiously," the Rev. Joseph Illo, pastor of St. Joseph's, wrote in a letter dated Nov. 21.

You thought we were joking. Turns out you sinned the shit out of that voting booth if you are Catholic and an Obama voter. I'm both, I'll just tack it onto the list of things I'm going to burn for, of which "incessant God related satire" is one of them. Between this and the kid humping, it really beggars belief as to why the church is dwindling in membership and influence.

Maybe the pastor should look at the skyrocketing abortion and teen pregnancy rates under President Religion and note that a myopic push for abortion bans and abstinence only education doesn't actually reduce anything except knowledge. Perhaps Catholics decided instead to vote for someone who would actually work to educate kids and put in the real work that needs to be done to reduce abortions and unwanted pregnancies. Maybe that's what the Catholic church ought to do, instead of bitching and moaning about the Demmycrats: actually support what every clinical study shows reduces abortions and unwanted pregnancies, education. Or stick with getting that 5-4 flip, prayer in schools, and deluxe chastity belts for all. Whatever you think works.

Bow before Dobson and his tornado God

Four twisters touch down near Parker, Castle Rock

At least four tornadoes touched down Sunday afternoon southeast of Denver between the towns of Castle Rock and Parker, but somehow managed to twist dangerously by new housing developments.

The thunderstorms also unleashed a sudden deluge of rain and hail on several subdivisions.

"It was like it snowed during and after the tornado," said Stephen Klein, 15, who lives in the Sapphire Pointe subdivision with his family about a mile-and-a-half southeast of where the tornado touched down. Klein, his mother and two brothers headed to the basement after a neighbor alerted them of the twister.

Uh-oh. Seems Focus on the Family has magical powers. They prayed so hard for rain they got tornadoes. Twisters. Funnel cakes of destruction. God is angry that the sodomites have entered Denver and is retaliating with force. Frankly, I knew this day would come when God would align with James Dobson. That's why I had my 'deathbed acceptance of God' speech updated to be given while I'm still alive. I won't go down with the rest of you, bursting into flames and boils the second you pull that lever or punch that card for Obama. It won't happen if you use touchscreen voting, because that vote will be counted for McCain. Repent! REPENT! God is Republican and angry!