Product whoring

Holy Toast! For the man or woman on the go who doesn't have time to wait around for important religious figures to up an appear in their food out of the blue. I need the Virgin Mary to appear in my 7-grain bagel TODAY!

Me? I'm a Buddha man. Jesus and Mary are more lunch time, tortilla and grilled cheese religious figures. When I'm hungry in the morning I want to smear peanut butter and strawberry jam over a burned in image of Siddhārtha Gautama. To each his own, I guess.

Branching out

We've all said this phrase out loud over the past few years: "Boy, I just love the way Blackwater/Xe indiscriminately shoots civilians, acts outside the law, is a secretive extra-legal mercenary force, and generally acts like the evil secret army of a Bond villain. I wonder if I can get a mug or t-shirt or a few rounds of ammunition with their logo on it?" Well, Christmas has come early.

At the Blackwater Pro Shops in Fayetteville, North Carolina and Salem, Connecticut, you can “purchase clothing and equipment emblazoned with the logo,” the Solider Systems blog explains. ”If that doesn’t get your blood pumping you can also try out your new firearms at their indoor range.”

There’s already an online store selling all sorts of swag — from a “BW Cosmopolitan Pilsner Glass” to a Blackwater cap.

They also sell shoes, in case you want some SWAT tactical boots or a nice pair of Merrell's for that hike with your sweetie. You can also get a nice water bottle, a Blackwater Camp Integrity long sleeve shirt, or a BW-15... the custom AR-15 produced by Blackwater that comes with a matched upper and lower receiver, a 16 inch chrome lined M-4 cut barrel with standard handguard, 4 to 6 position collapsible stock, and a detachable carry handle. You can also customize what accessories you want on the gun. I'm going with the gas block mounted front sight, Carbine Omega rail, single point sling attachment, and the thing where I can shoot carloads of Iraqi's and not face any legal punishment.

So if you were looking for a little something that screams "I support lawless mercenary organizations", you're in luck. No longer will you have to bootleg Blackwater t-shirts or scrawl the amateurish paw logo into all your weapons. You can buy that shit direct now. Help them out with a few bucks as business is rough what with everyone knowing and reviling their name. They really need to improve their bottom line to get Eric Prince the best price possible on their upcoming sale. Maybe Steve Jobs can buy it, as I've often thought Blackwater wasn't secretive or vindictive enough.

Gear up to fight the undead

I know in recent months we've been focusing too heavily on various health, nuclear, and financial based apocalypses. SO much so that we've taken our focus off the real apocalyptic threat that we all wish and know is coming: zombie apocalypse. We accept full blame. We know that we should be preparing you to fight the undead and we have failed.

But there is still time. The dead have not yet risen. So it is with that that we are able to pass on a way to fight the zombies and still be fashion forward. Thanks to Uncrate Garb, you too can outfit yourself in the latest zombie survival tech.

This urgent installment of Garb is brought to you by Roger Ma, author of The Zombie Combat Manual: A Guide to Fighting the Living Dead ($10; Out today).

Backpack: Arc'teryx Naos 55 ($379), with minimal straps to prevent snagging on undead fingers. Long Range Weapon: Bully Tools Sidewalk Scraper ($33), to avoid close encounters. Melee Weapon: Zak Tools Halligan Bar ($160), a rescue tool with combat applications. Close Combat Weapon: Boker Applegate Combat Knife ($121), with the unique Besh Wedge design. Eye Protection: Wiley X-SG-1 ($103), to guard against errant splatter. Gloves: Oakley Factory Pilot Glove ($70), with protective carbon fiber plating. Body Armor: Fox Titan Jacket ($139), to protect upper torso vulnerabilities. Shirt and Pants: the flame-resistant Massif Combat Shirt ($170) and 5.11 Flash Pants ($50), because fires break out when hell breaks loose. Boots: Danner 453 Steel Toe GTX ($160), comfort of a hiker with the punch of steel.

I will quibble with some of their choices. I would suggest a FatMax Xtreme Fubar Functional Utility Bar for your utility/zombie smashing crowbar. It's functional, multi-use, solidly constructed, and has some skull bashing heft to it. One might also want to consider a tomahawk. Who could forget shotguns and re-loaders? One can't count on gun stores to be open or society to be functioning when you need to take down a horde from a distance. You might also want to try a higher collar or perhaps a full facial mask to protect from the zombies that jump out out of nowhere from behind. Extra leg protection is good as well, you don't want to be turned by a zombie that is crawling. The indignity!

I hope this has been able to help you out somewhat in the event that hell fills up and the dead rise within the next few months. Your protection from the undead is your own responsibility. Sean and I can't be expected to save all of you as we rebuild society and come to rule it.

Product whoring

Say you're out and about plotting the socialist demise of of the Freenited States of Freemerica or perhaps chopping up your grandparents into little pieces as mandated by the health care bill and enforced by the IRS. Maybe you're just performing an abortion. The question remains: what do I wear that makes me look fashionable, yet allows me to do the important work of destroying this country, and signal my subservience to a Muslim interloper from Kenya?

As in all things in life, Rwanda has the answer.


Obama Jeans: For when you need to accessorize that Che Guevara t-shirt.

Ad of the day

This is from a Manhattan billboard for the company Weatherproof, which took an AP photo of Obama wearing one of its jackets on a trip to China, slapped their logo on it, and used it to advertise their company and what they're now marketing as "The Obama Jacket." Unsurprisingly this has provoked the ire of the White House, who notes that Obama isn't endorsing their company and that this all seems highly illegal. Nevertheless, the ad stays up because Weatherproof are intense assholes and complete media whores.

Now that Obama is pseudo-endorsing a jacket brand, what are other companies, like North Face or Columbia, going to do? Well if the These Bastards Marketing Consortium can offer a suggestion, we know one rugged world leader who would love to legally endorse a product in return for vast sums of money.


We're thinking the "Vladimir Putin Bear Skinning Knife", some sort of branded floppy hat or cargo pants, or perhaps some polonium lined boots. Drop us a line if you're interested.

Warning: Contains Gravitons

via Lovely Package comes this look at the Brooklyn Superhero Supply Co., your fine purveyor of superhero and super science type items. Now if you're interested in doing good while jacking yourself full of super speed and recklessly swinging around buckets of pure gravity, purchase of said items goes to benefit 826 National, which seeks to leverage your insatiable desire for world crushing power into helping children with their writing skills. I was never able to partake of their services and you bear witness to that tragic fact every day.

If super powers aren't your thing, you'll be happy to know they have partnerships with other stores, including Greenwood Space Travel Supply, the Echo Park Time Travel Mart, and the Pirate Store. All of these also make go to help make kid word write good and creative better.

Because Presidenting doesn't bring in the big bucks

Via Cloned in China come this example of our President having to hawk cell phones overseas in an attempt to make a little cash on the side. Much like Brad Pitt making cell phone ads in Japan so he can both have a lot of money and little knowledge of the fact that he's doing ads, Barry has decided that being President doesn't put gold plated plasma screens on the walls.

At least he picked/had his picture shadily photoshopped in an ad for a respectable company: BlockBerry, from the makers of the EyePhone. It sounds like a respectable American Canadian phone company, so that means it probably isn't made of old Walkman parts. If only Barry could get some of the Sorny/Magnetbox/Panafonics ad money, then this whole "Leader of the Free World" thing would really start being a worthwhile job to have.

Jesus approved

Dieting With Jesus Magnet Set

$10.99

"And the Lord did say unto his people 'hit the weight machine and work on your pecs,' because the lord hates a saggy chest."

"And yea did his people rejoice, then do 4 sets of 15, pausing to rest for 30 seconds in between."

And yea did God bless us with thine shit box

Shit Box. Actual title of product. The Brown Corporation. Actual company that makes it. Christmas has come early this year.

Comes with ten biodegradable poo bags. Ideally a portable cardboard toilet for outdoor camping and festival concert use. Even better is you can shit into the box, tape it shut and then send it off to someone you hate via UPS. Mine's going to Sean or Rick Santorum.

Buy ten.