Slap iron with the Lord

What's been our biggest fear ever since Obama was elected. Besides him stealing the white man's shit to give it to black people. Besides socialism. Besides him flaunting his Kenyan birth. Besides him letting Joe Biden use adult scissors.

That's right, Obama's jackbooted thugs kicking open the door to a church, dragging Jesus out in handcuffs, and tossing him in a jail cell to rot. Well, no more. You hear me Obama! NO MORE! Jesus will be protected!

Louisiana state Rep. Henry Burns (R) has introduced a bill in the Louisiana House that would allow churches to institute a "security plan" enabling congregants with concealed weapons permits to carry guns into churches and temples.

According to a Burns spokesperson, "we buy fire extinguishers in case there's a fire," and allowing churchgoers to carry concealed is just the "final stage of security" for places of worship.

House Bill 68 would allow a church or temple to authorize an unlimited number of congregation members to bring their guns into church, according to the individual church's own guidelines.

Glad to see there's not some pressing matter lapping at Louisiana's shores. Good to see that the elected betters of the state are able to move forward with this priority.

Let's just add church to the list of places where people feel that they are in danger of having someone goad them into an actual dick measuring contest and they feel the need to flash iron to avert a certain loss. That makes it Obama speeches, tea parties, bars and restaurants that serve alcohol, national parks, trains, schools, colleges, and... anywhere... without a permit to the myriad of news places where guns are viewed as needed. Why yes, that last example was from Arizona. Thanks for asking.

So now you concerns of "What if I'm reading Paul's letters to the Thessalonians and Gungans... and a pitched, John Woo style gun battle breaks out? Will the man finally let me legally whip out a glock and fire back?" have finally been addressed. Though only in Louisiana. Everywhere else the Lord is still in danger of taking a hollow point in the cross. We can't allow that to happen. He already used up His one resurrection.

Still, stay vigilant. I hear there's a plot that involves a man of Middle Eastern heritage showing up in flowing white robes and telling the faithful of how the end is nigh. That's when you're going to have to pull out the guns and tell him NOT ON OUR WATCH! Then it'll be safe for the blonde-haired, blue-eyed Jesus to safely come take us all up to Heaven.

Rapture dog

You know there's a question I hear all the time: "Matt, I'm an atheist who doesn't believe in God or have any stake in organized religion. But what if I'm wrong and God exists and all his true believers are raptured up into heaven? How can I make money off of that and get a free dog?" If I had a nickel for every time I heard that I could buy an island. Well, good news everyone, there's finally an answer: Eternal Earth-Bound Pets, USA.

You've committed your life to Jesus. You know you're saved. But when the Rapture comes what's to become of your loving pets who are left behind? Eternal Earth-Bound Pets takes that burden off your mind.

We are a group of dedicated animal lovers, and atheists. Each
Eternal Earth-Bound Pet representative is a confirmed atheist, and as such will still be here on Earth after you've received your reward. Our network of animal activists are committed to step in when you step up to Jesus.Our service is plain and simple; our fee structure is reasonable.
...
For $110.00 we will guarantee that should the Rapture occur within ten (10) years of receipt of payment, one pet per residence will be saved. Each additional pet at your residence will be saved for an additional $15.00 fee. A small price to pay for your peace of mind and the health and safety of your four legged and feathered friends.

First off how could a just God exist if He didn't rapture up man's best friend? Also: allow the world's pain, suffering, et cetera, et cetera. I do know what you're thinking, though, and they're two steps ahead of you.

Q: Is this a Joke?
A: No. This is a serious offer to our Christian friends who believe in the Second Coming and honestly care about the future of their pets after the Rapture occurs.

But how long post-rapture will it take for Tuffy to get picked up by his new atheist master?

A: The timing is contingent on the number of subscribers we have in each state/region and travel distance. Our rescuers know that this is a time sensitive service. Pets' lives are at stake. We will limit the number of subscribers in each zone so that any given rescuer will not be over burdened. Naturally, we must anticipate that there will be widespread chaos and confusion immediately following the Rapture that could impact travel times. Thus, we are targeting a maximum of between 18- 24 hours from realization of the Rapture, to animal rescue.

That's good, during the whole wailing and gnashing of teeth period, but before the riding of the four horsemen.

So if you don't believe in God, need some cash, live in Maine New Hampshire, Vermont, Massachusetts, Connecticut, Rhode Island, Wisconsin, Minnesota, Michigan, Arkansas, Mississippi, Tennessee, Kentucky, Colorado, Oklahoma, Kansas, Washington, Oregon, Idaho, Montana, North Carolina, or Georgia, and want a free dog, cat, bird, rabbit, and small caged mammal to help you through any God based apocalypse, contact Eternal Earth-Bound Pets.

Broken News: Jesus returns, strikes out in bottom of ninth

Jesus. Nazareth Polytechnic. RF. 5 ft. 1 in. 115 lbs. 0-1 K

MONTGOMERY, AL--It was a night of highs and lows for fans of the Montgomery Biscuits. The AA minor league affiliate of the Tampa Bay Devil Rays was fighting for its third Southern League championship in three years when tragedy, seeming redemption, and then shocking failure all appeared within a ten-minute span last night. Jesus Christ, King of Kings, returned... and promptly struck out on three pitches.

The Biscuits were down, 4-1, in the bottom of the ninth. Up to the plate walked Michael Wilson, Biscuits home run king, Southern League all-star, and player of the month. As Wilson calmly strode toward the batter's box, he was struck in the temple by a wayward seagull, rendering him unconscious.

“We thought it was all over then,” said Jasper Naylor, longtime Biscuits season ticket holder. “We had nobody left on the bench but pitchers and not one of those sorry sons a bitches had a shot of hitting the winning homer. Honestly, a sea bird in Alabama? What kind of luck is that? Then suddenly, this light came from above, and a bearded man in a robe descended from the clouds. At first we just thought that skinny traffic guy from Action News 14 fell out of the Action News-Copter. Or maybe a poorly timed promotion, like that time a few years back when they handed out Michael J. Fox “Back to the Future” bobbleheads the day before he announced he had Parkinson’s. But as the man came down we all realized who he was and what was happening. It was Jesus and we felt we were back in that ballgame.”

Indeed it was the Son of God, returned to Earth. As he landed in the on-deck circle, he appeared to open his mouth to speak to the crowd, but almost immediately Jesus was outfitted with a helmet and bat before The Redeemer was shoved towards the batter’s box without a word.

Then it came: fastball, curve ball, fastball. Three pitches, three wild swings by the Lord, the third out, and the Southern League title for the rival Carolina Mudcats.

“He didn’t look like He knew what the fuck He was doing, quite frankly” said Boyd Harper, spectator and amateur theologian. “That last fastball barely broke 85 and that bastard was out in front of it, flailing like a spastic. How in His name could He be so Goddamn incompetent on an 0-2 fastball? It was right over the plate. It looked like he had never played the game before in his life!”

As the Mudcats stormed the field to celebrate, an exasperated Jesus was interviewed by Don "Catfish" Winker, color man for the Biscuits broadcast network. “Why did they put me up there? I’m a two thousand year old Jewish carpenter. The fuck do I know about sports? This was my return to Earth, the Rapture is starting and before I can make the announcement and start the Ascension, I get a piece of maple and a ton of expectations heaped on me and I’m told to go hit a home run. I’ve never held a bat before in my life and know I’ve got to go face down some 19 year-old who’s hurling cowhide at me at, frankly, frightening speeds. Jesus, I’m a fucking spiritual leader and philosopher, not Johnny Fucking Unitas!”

When Winker pointed out to our Savior that Unitas played football and not baseball, a clearly confused Lord just threw up his hands and yelled, “Whatever.”

“How could You have struck out?” yelled Bobby Adams, age 8, to the Lord. “You died and came back to life, healed lepers, gave us a belief system, and redeemed mankind, how come You can’t drive one into the gap? Isn’t hand-eye coordination a little easier than rising from the dead?”

“What about being the Lord makes you assume I’m good at sports, you little shit?” Jesus fired back. “I’m 5’1”, that’s above average height for a first century man, but it means I’d get the shit kicked out of me if a played football, and sure as shit means I can’t tomahawk dunk. I can preach the way of God and save mankind, but that doesn’t translate into bone density and foot speed you FUCKING IGNORANT CRETINS!”

As the frustrated crowd quickly turned angry as shouts of “Judas!” and “You cost us the three-peat” rang through the air. The more inebriated members of the crowd starting throwing soft pretzels, plastic beer bottles, and the Biscuits signature concession item: buttermilk biscuits covered in light or dark syrup.

As an increasingly sticky and biscuited Lord staggered around looking for shelter he yelled “I’m about spiritual enlightenment, not socking ‘dingers’!!” before a bolt of lightning hit the pitchers mound and the crowd was silenced.

“I returned to you to unite us all before the end times and lead you in the battle against Satan's armies, and this is how you treat Me? Fuck you assholes, the Rapture’s off. No one gets into Heaven for free, you all have to fight. Eke out your meaningless existence on this dying planet, for all I care. You won’t have Me to kick around. The Devil is going to run roughshod over your asses and I'm just going to lock the pearly gates and laugh. It's purgatory with the dead unbaptized infants and all Puerto Ricans for you! Maybe Buddha or Shiva or someone will help you, but you’ll probably bitch because they can’t run proper pass routes or shoot the open J. Tossers!” The Son of God then made a rude gesture whose description is unfit for print before ascending back to Heaven.

As the furious crowd fruitlessly tossed objects at the sky, one patron sarcastically remarked “Oh sure he’s got floaty powers and lightning, but somehow he shits the bed when he sees a curveball. Fuckin’ primadonna.”

Most of the crowd filed out the exits, disappointed over the loss but excited for the upcoming apocalyptic battle of Armageddon. They seemed buoyed by the fact that Jesus wouldn't be involved, many seeing a correlation between his stat line (0-1, K) and his tactical command abilities. One man said he had Ganesha's phone number. Some along the third baseline downed two lampposts and fashioned a crude metal crucifix in case the Lord returned.

Labor Day

In case you forgot and are standing around in an empty office thinking the Rapture just happened and you were left alone, HR's only representative to fight the endless evil hordes of the devil: it's Labor Day! Go home, you still have time to prove yourself worthy of God's love. Eat a ham the size of Jimmy Hoffa, strike, and yell 'scab' at someone or call them a 'hump' or 'jagoff'. Honor your union brothers and sisters.