Cheap Blogging Crutch 03.04

Fox News Can’t Upset Murdoch’s Saudi Prince
We all know the basic rules Fox news operates under. 1.) Warp the meanings of fairness and balance to such a degree that it would cause George Orwell to hork on his Froot Loops. 2.) Hire any raving street corner maniac and give him an afternoon or evening opinion show, provided he of course decries liberals and praises Reagan in between fights with imaginary dragons and cardboard box defecations. 3.) Don't upset the Saudi Prince that bankrolls large sections of the Fox media empire with nasty mentions of the Saudi roll in funding terrorist actions worldwide. Actually that third one is a bit of a surprise. Who knew that such a jingoistic "fear the browns" network would find itself so beholden to Saudi sheiks. This seems like something that should have already fueled 12 ill though out chalkboard scribbling segments with a weeping Glenn Beck. Until then, you'll just have to make due with Joe Trento's take.

Our world may be a giant hologram
Did that headline just blow your mind? If it didn't, go get high and then re-read it. The entirety of existence might just be a 3-D hologram projection of a 2-D universe.... which may or may not be foil stamped onto the back of an even larger universal baseball card. Yes, that's exactly as weird as it sounds. And it's coming from the director of director of Fermilab's Center for Particle Astrophysics based on the theories of Stephen Hawking. You know, crackpots. If all of this sounds surprising to you, you need to read more Warren Ellis comics. Every other page mentions "3-D hologram of a 2-D universe" this or "Zero-point energy" that. You could be ahead of the scientific curve if you just read more superhero picture books.

NHS money 'wasted' on homeopathy
In a victory for science and common sense, the UK decided that paying out money to homeopathic doctors and hospitals on the groundbreaking belief that handing out millions to people who sold magic water as a "cure" was a ludicrous idea. I'd like to take this as a sign that the world is becoming smarter, but we're over here paying out millions to abstinence only education, have state legislature passing measure to decry climate science, and we can't even seem to get a functioning health care system. Still, baby steps.

Ultra-Precise Quantum-Logic Clock Trumps Old Atomic Clock
Now that we have evidence that the mole people are causing earthquakes in order to steal seconds off our clock and throw the earth off its axis (SCIENCE FACT!!!!!!), we are in need of two things. 1.) A bloody, violent, merciless and ceaseless war against the underverse. 2.) More accurate clocks. Since we all know that atomic clocks are prone to creating irradiated scientists and are unreliable if you need time calculated down to the exact second every 3.7 billion year period, scientists have luckily devised a quantum logic clock that monitors the energy state of an aluminum ion. Sadly this has not become the global time standard yet, so as such if one of us is to become a near ageless Godlike being, our watches are going to be off by a second or two every couple of billion years. Such is life.

What Is Time? One Physicist Hunts for the Ultimate Theory
Physicist Sean Carroll is attempting to once and for all finally answer what time is. Easy, it's that stuff that watches emit and is then eaten by our jobs, friends, and family so that you are not allowed to enjoy it. Or, if you want to be a science dick about it, there's probably some sort of equation that explains it with more physics and less bitterness. Whatever. In an interview with Wired, Carroll tries to explain what he's trying to do and just what time is from a physics standpoint.

Cheap Blogging Crutch 01.27

Report: U.S. Drone Goes Down Over Pakistan. Again.
What's the one phrase you don't want to hear in our illustrious war on terror. I mean besides "they're using magic wands to detect bombs in Iraq." Would it be something along the lines of all the Predator drones are glitch ridden, cut out of contact frequently, don't handle anything other than nice weather very well, are notoriously difficult to land, and crash a lot? Good news then, as it seems as we widen the scope of our war on terror we are coming to rely more and more on crash prone planes that can't be flown if there's a stiff breeze. On the bright side, it looks like General Atomics is the Bell Helicopter of our generation. Buy stock.

Dungeons & Dragons Prison Ban Upheld
In what is the next great step in the evolution of the main goal of the US prison system (Goal 1: fuck over inmates as capriciously and pettily as possible for no discernible reason other it makes society feel better. Goal 2: See Goal 1.) Dungeons & Dragons is now banned as it "promotes gang activity." Still one wonders why anyone would want to play a game that so closely resembles their own life, with the dungeon represented by an actual concrete dungeon and the dragons represented by the many personal battles one fights in prison from rapes from the black gangs, to rapes from the Mexican gangs, to rapes from the Aryan gangs. Oh, let's not for get the shankings. Ah well I'm sure this will solve all gang related problems in prison.

Pentagon Report Calls for Office of ‘Strategic Deception’
The Defense Science Board in the Pentagon says our intelligence and military capabilities are not being used to their fullest. It seems we are lacking a Dept. Of Dishonesty or a Ministry of Truth, if you will. Because for all the trillions we spend on defense, we just haven't put enough effort into having a few more lying fuckers on the payroll. I agree, if there's one thing that I complain about, it's that our military and intel communities are just way too truthful. It's nice to see that the lessons people take away from 1984 are "this book is just chock full of good ideas." Ah well, at least people are reading more.

Will Haiti Earthquake Response Slow Afghan Troop Surge?
An interesting subplot for the next few months in our war on terror and in our relief efforts. Seems we just went and put our Afghanistan surge into Haiti, putting 33,000 troops and the requisite equipment onto the ground in Port-au-Prince. What will happen when we need those troops to go kill brown people instead of help black people? It'll be interesting to see how they answer that ques..... they'll leave and go kill brown people. It's not even a question. Hope you get all your aid you need in the next few months, because the mountainous border between Afghanistan and Pakistan is calling to us like a sirens song.

Driving A Hard Bargain: Nelson Says He Would've Opposed His Own Abortion Language
If there's one silver lining to the fact that Democrats don't have 60 seats and that the conference committee option is no longer feasible for health reform, it's that odious fuckers like Ben Nelson will no longer get to needlessly poison the bill with their short-sighted, troglodytic concerns. Not only was Ben Nelson fighting for his right to own every woman's uterus, he was willing to pull a knife-in-the-back double cross during the conference committee process to kill the bill if he didn't get abortion concessions made that were even more restrictive than the ones he already negotiated, signed off on, and voted for. Do you understand, House? This is why the Senate can't be allowed to meddle with health care again.

Nobel speechishness

Today our President got his Nobel Prize for Excellence in the Field of Not Being George W. Bush. He talked about humility, gratitude, and feeling he was not up to the standards of previous winners. But because some wags in the world community refer to this prize by it's alternate name, the Nobel Peace Prize, Barry was forced to discuss the fact that he's accepting an award for peace while escalating a war. Awk-waaaaaard.

“We must begin by acknowledging the hard truth,” Mr. Obama said. “We will not eradicate violent conflict in our lifetimes. There will be times when nations — acting individually or in concert — will find the use of force not only necessary but morally justified.”
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“Whatever mistakes we have made, the plain fact is this,” Mr. Obama said. “The United States of America has helped underwrite global security for more than six decades with the blood of our citizens and the strength of our arms.”
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“The goal is not to win a popularity contest or to get an award — even one as esteemed as the Nobel Peace Prize,” Mr. Obama said. “The goal is to advance American interests, make ourselves a continuing force for good in the world — something that we have been for decades now.”

Ah yes, going in front of the Nobel Committee to declare that, sure, war is bad, but you're different because, unlike all those other assholes, you're fighting a "just war." Nicely played, I'm sure only everyone who ever started or escalated a war in the entire recorded history of man would make that argument. At the very least it, this speech must have set the record for most saber rattling during a humanitarian award speech, narrowly beating out Gandhi's declaration that he'd "beat the fuck out of any Englishman who looked at him cockeyed" after his 1937 nomination to the Nobel short-list.

But one must appreciate the balls of the President to go to the Nobel ceremony and call them all naive for not believing enough in the power of war and military action to make peace. And what better example than America? Other than most of the wars in the post-WWII period that were fought for political reasons to the benefit of no one and discounting nearly every action of the CIA, America has certainly been the shining example of peace through military might. The sooner they understand that the sooner they stop snickering when you mention that you're going to throw more billions and thousands of lives down a hole in order for little obvious gain.

So Barry got his award, justified the seeming disconnect between peace and war, and the Nobel committee achieved their goals of being photographed next to the hip black guy. On the bright side, his award acceptance speech probably vaulted him to the front of the list for the George Orwell War-is-Peace Prize. I can't wait for that speech.

Rewards, not bonuses

The Morgan Stanley/Smith Barney merger (Morth Barnley) is providing us with the business world's entry into the Semantic Olympics and the Oxford English Dictionary of Newspeak. Remember, they aren't giving out bonuses, that would be irresponsible in this economic climate, they're giving out rewards. Rewards for finding a way to dodge bad PR.

“There will be a retention award. Please do not call it a bonus,” said James Gorman, co-president of Morgan Stanley. “It is not a bonus. It is an award. And it recognizes the importance of keeping our team in place as we go through this integration.”

Nelson to Orwell: eat shit, amateur!

Ben Nelson, on why he decided to take the least controversial and most stimulative portions of the stimulus bill and decided to make cuts.

Q: Do you agree, or how do you respond to Paul Krugman in the New York Times who said that centrists have done their best to “make the plan weaker and worse?”

NELSON: Well, first of all, they’re not cuts. Let’s just get that up front. These are adjustments downward from numbers that were offered by the House in their version and by the Senate in its version.

Ah yes, America's entry for the both the Semantic Olympics and our first non-Bush related entry of the year for the Oxford English Dictionary of Newspeak. He didn't 'cut', that's such a violent word. He just adjusted some numbers downward and some of those numbers got adjusted downward to zero. Where would you get some crazy idea that would have any relation to 'cutting'?

This is the intellect that led the Senate "centrist" effort. Thanks Nebraska!

Lipstick on one of the evil pigs from Animal Farm

Palin vindicated? Governor offers Orwellian spin

Sarah Palin's reaction to the Legislature's Troopergate report is an embarrassment to Alaskans and the nation.

She claims the report "vindicates" her. She said that the investigation found "no unlawful or unethical activity on my part."

Her response is either astoundingly ignorant or downright Orwellian.
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Palin's response is the kind of political "big lie" that George Orwell warned against. War is peace. Black is white. Up is down.

Come now, Anchorage Daily News editorial board. Orwellian? That would imply she actually read one of the books and tried to apply it's 'lessons'. No, dear Alaska, there was no reading, comprehension, and implementation.

Can we put a moratorium on 'Orwellian" references please? Blindly lying to avoid scrutiny, shirk responsibility, and blunt negative reaction isn't Orwellian, it's what four year olds do. Calling a law to gut pollution standards the "Clear Skies Initiative" is Orwellian, evangelicals shirking Jesus for Palin would be Orwellian, our impending dystopian future is Orwellian. Getting your hand caught in the cookie jar and saying "I didn't do it" while the person is looking at you with your hand full of Oreos isn't Orwellian, it's reactive, childish lying. Let's not inflate stupidity and dishonesty as a reflex action to the level of 'Orwellian'.

Standards people, standards.