Quote of the Day

Ex-TV host and current xenophobe Lou Dobbs is currently mulling a White House bid. But, thanks to those assholes in Washington and their precious 15th Amendment and 1965 Voting Rights act, Mexicans and other various Latin races are able to vote in Presidential elections. Lou, being the smart and educated man he is, realizes that this, as well as all the other groups he's pissed off, might cause problems for his completely irrational and borderline delusional dreams of being President. So he's gonna get pro-active.

DOBBS: And for the first time, I’m actually listening to some people about politics. I don’t think I’ve got the nature for it, but we’ve got to do something in this country, and I think that being public arena means you’ve got to part of the solution. By the way, I’m reaching out right now to Latino groups, to the Chamber of Commerce, the Business Roundtable — all of the groups with whom I’ve been in an ongoing debate, to try to bridge some of these conflicts and try to create solutions. And I think we’re well on our way to doing that.

"Ongoing debate". Well that's certainly an interesting way to put it. When you were out accusing Mexicans of bringing leprosy and the plague into the US in between your fantastical rants about armies of Latin criminals invading the US to reconquer it, I'm not sure those "Latin groups" thought you were engaging in an ongoing debate. Actually, I'm pretty sure that's the source of all your "conflicts" with them and the "solution" is probably somewhere in the realm of "stop being a virulent racist."

But good luck in your ongoing quest to get Mexicans to like you so they'll vote for you. I'm sure they'll ask you to stop talking absolute shit about Latin immigrants, you'll counter with an agreement to make eye contact with your gardener, and in no time you'll have patched things up and be well on your way to getting 0% of the Latin vote. Dobbs 2012!

Broken In Brief: Dobbs, O'Reilly to declare love live tonight

NEW YORK--Fresh off being bribed to leave his amicable departure from CNN, Lou Dobbs will be a featured guest on tonight's episode of The O'Reilly Factor. While the official network line claims that Dobbs will be there to discuss the circumstances surrounding his resignation with a sympathetic ear -- O'Reilly has repeatedly defended Dobbs -- TheseBastards has learned that the two cable news heavyweights may have ulterior motives.

"They are over the moon for each other," gushed a high-level Fox News source, on condition of anonymity for fear of inducing vomit. "When they met a couple years ago at a Minuteman fundraiser/book burning in Arizona, it was love at first sight."

Apparently, the two were very moved by last week's episode of Oprah wherein Ellen DeGeneres and Portia de Rossi professed their love for one another. Given the abrupt nature of Dobbs' departure from CNN and O'Reilly's exclusive access to the portly xenophobe, the parties believe that this is the ideal moment to show the world just how deeply and passionately they respect each other over and over and over again.

Among the things they reportedly hope to pledge to each other tonight are a vow to defend the borders "standing back to back, shotguns in hand as the Mexicans stream over the fence," a solemn pledge to never stop trying to couch their elitist, right wing proclamations with the veil of working class populism, and to officially sign off on a schedule that designates which one of them is the "power bottom" over alternate two-week periods.

"It's just going to be so beautiful," the same source said, their eyes welling up with tears.

If the Dobbs/O'Reilly commitment ceremony goes off as well as hoped, it is expected Fox News will soon announce that a similar love jubilee will take place on Friday night between pundit Sean Hannity and a life-sized cardboard cutout of himself.

The source would neither confirm nor deny any amorous plans for Glenn Beck.

We'll just have to agree to disagree

Jon Stewart's assessment of the departure of Lou Dobbs doesn't really jive with what TheseBastards uncovered yesterday. He totally ignored the bloody shovel and everything. Fucking liberal media...



But it bears repeating; Fare thee well, fat man.

What are the odds?

Lou Dobbs to appear on The O’Reilly Factor next Monday

I guess this is the "constructive problem-solving" and the "working to change the crippling partisanship and ideology that define the public arena" that he talked about yesterday.

They are going to have such unwatchable sex.

Broken In Brief: Lou Dobbs sent to live on farm

ATLANTA--In the wake of Lou Dobbs' sudden departure from CNN, the network has struggled to spin the scenario in a positive light. Dobbs, who had been with the network since its inception in 1980, announced last night that he would be leaving his post as host and managing editor of Lou Dobbs Tonight, effective immediately.

While many media pundits suspect that Dobbs will walk out of CNN and directly into Fox News, Pravda, or simply shout racial epithets towards Mexico from across any number of bridges spanning the Rio Grande, a blood and mud-flecked network president Jonathan Klein read a brief statement earlier today attempting to clear the air.

"We would just like to put to rest any rumors of 'talent poaching', ideological infighting, or 'extreme horror at what this man had turned our network into' that have been circulating since Lou's announcement," Klein said, leaning against a rusty shovel caked in what appeared to be mud and brain matter. "We assure you neither of these are the case and that Mr. Dobbs has been sent to live with a kindly old couple in a farm upstate. We believe it is the same place where MSNBC sent Phil Donohue."

Contacted for clarification on this claim, Klein added, with a single tear sliding down his puffy cheek, "We're certain Lou will be much happier there, running frisky and free with other blowhards, discussing birth certificate conspiracies, and... and just enjoying all that fresh air. It's a family farm, no migrant or immigrant workers, which we all know is important to him. No, you cannot go and visit, as the farm is very far away. Just *sniff*, just let him rest in peace.....on the farm."

With that Klein wearily sat down, and sobbed a bit, offering up an odd remark on how he didn't know that running CNN would entail so much violence. He then proceeded to have his assistant inquire about seeking reimbursement for expenses relating to a bag of quicklime he had to purchase and the use of a personal tarp that had "been rendered unusable."

As of press time, Klein swore that Dobbs was probably sitting down to enjoy a nice supper with the kindly elderly couple. "On the farm."

Fare thee well, fat man

As you may have heard, you won't have Lou Dobbs to kick around anymore on CNN. Of course this is a tremendous blow to all our TV watching habits. Well, strike that, I don't know anyone who even watching a minute of his broadcast, even as a joke or on a dare. But this is a tremendous blow for...I don't know, our ability to get annoyed about what some TV blowhard said about Mexicans? But Lou wants you to know why he's leaving. No, it's not because he's an increasingly embarrassing liability to CNN. No, because he's bound and destined....for greater things.

“Over the past six months, it’s become increasingly clear that strong winds of change have begun buffeting this country and affecting all of us,” Dobbs said. “And some leaders in media, politics and business have been urging me to go beyond my role here at CNN and to engage in constructive problem-solving, as well as to contribute positively to a better understanding of the great issues of our day. And to continue to do so in the most honest and direct language possible.”
...
But in his farewell, Dobbs noted that major issues today are “defined in the public arena by partisanship and ideology rather than by rigorous empirical thought and forthright analysis and discussion” and vowed to work to "change that as best as I can."

How will he fight partisanship and ideology in his quest to engage in constructive problem solving? Probably by signing with Fox News by the time you get to the end of this sentence. But there is that hint that he is juuuuust deluded enough to try and make a run at politics on the national level, either in Congress or his much fantasized about presidential run. Well Dobbsy, you think your weird birth certificate theories combined with an abiding hatred of all things swarthy and Spanish makes you unique? We already have one of those guys: his name is Tom Tancredo. Also, Pat Buchanan. Actually, just about any Republican that represents a border state or is southern and really bent out of shape about blacks no longer being the socially accepted race to hate. Lou, you wouldn't even stand out from the pack.

Unfortunately Lou Dobbs thinks he is so smart and thoughtful and has so many great ideas and is going to solve partisanship with fanciful tales about how two Mexicans brought the ills of ideology over on a donkey, that he feels we deserve more of him in a more important role. Well, good luck to him. I hope it blows up in his face as badly as I think it will. My only hope is that CNN will find a sufficient replacement that coaches all his alleged business commentary with racist diatribes against Mexicans. Maybe they'll switch it up and give us a guy who really hates Asians and Indians (dot or feather). One can dream.

Off in the distance Shep Smith sheds a single tear of despair

What's the one thing you think the Fox News media empire needed? Was it one more loathed right wing pundit famous for his screeds against immigrants/immigration, his belief that the President is a Kenyan sleeper agent, shallow faux-populism, and a gargantuan sized ego replete with delusions of grandeur? They heard your clarion call.

Certainly, Fox continues to aggressively bolster its on-air talent, most recently with the hiring of John Stossel, the libertarian investigative journalist from ABC News, for its spin-off channel, Fox Business. The business channel is also keen on another administration critic, Lou Dobbs, who met for dinner with Mr. Ailes last month, according to two people with direct knowledge of the meeting.

John Stossel and Lou Dobbs? They're taking everyone I hate and putting them on two channels I will never have to see them on. I don't know what this emotion is I'm feeling towards Fox News...is it...gratitude? Heartfelt thanks? A desire that their studio collapses when all of them are gathered inside?

That said, if you see Shep Smith today just give him a pat on the back and tell him you feel for him. If he's wearing a cast on his hand it's because he punched a wall in anger. Ah, it's just one more thing for him to get righteously indignant about.

Broken In Brief: Immigration officials arrest Lou Dobbs on questions of humanity

CNN anchor and xenophobic jackass, Lou Dobbs

EARTH—Immigration officials from the INS have arrested and begun deportation proceedings against CNN host Lou Dobbs over questions surrounding the TV and radio personality's status as a member of the human race. While Dobbs maintains a New Jersey residence and claims to have been born in Texas, the INS is reporting the discovery of evidence suggesting he is actually a native of the planet Vogsphere and therefore an undocumented immigrant.

This initial immigration sweep is part of the government’s newly unveiled Turnabout Is Fair Play (TIFP) initiative, wherein right-wing blowhards are subjected to the kinds of hearsay, fear mongering, half-assed conspiracies, deluded accusations, lack of intellectual rigor, and factual wastelands that they traditionally inflict upon the growing constituencies of their political enemies.

The evidence, first discovered on the internet and immediately dismissed as lunacy, claims that Dobbs is one of several alien Vogon agents posing as public figures while gathering intelligence on Earth and its people in preparation for the planet's complete destruction in order to make room for an interstellar highway. The documents go on to explain that Dobbs was cast out of Vogon society when, in 2006, the plump, pandering populist publicly distanced himself from the Republican Party. Nevertheless, he continues to monitor and occasionally influence news media.

TIFP team members were reportedly ecstatic at the revelation of this fraudulent material because it allowed them to charge Dobbs with being an illegal immigrant, a section of society the corpulent ape has railed against for years. What they were most excited about was the added benefit of charging him with being the member of a fictional species from a fictional solar system from a series of science fiction comedy novels, so as to more completely make a sarcastic point about the nature of his criticisms about President Obama’s country of origin.

Lawyers for Dobbs, who is said to be working on his third volume of poetry, did not return calls for comment on these charges.