Broken News: Respected author to churn out some bullshit about vampires

NEWARK—After a literary career that began with 1959’s Goodbye, Columbus and has spanned the decades. Noted author and Pulitzer Prize winner Philip Roth today announced that he was abandoning his more high brow literary pursuits to churn out some old hoary cack about vampires.

“I don’t know, I doesn’t seem like provocative explorations of what it means to be Jewish or of the American identity and blurring the lines between biography and fiction makes a guy a buck anymore,” the author explained in an interview with the New Yorker.

“So I’m just going to churn out some shit I thought up over lunch about vampires, teen romance, and epic battles over love and sit back and watch the money pile up. It’s pretty much what everyone else is doing. Why fight it? I don’t think I’m even going to make it all that different from Twilight.”

He sighed before adding “Ooh! Maybe a vampire school or a boarding school where vampires and humans meet! Has anyone done vampire style Harry Potter knockoff yet?”

Reaction from the literary world was swift with most surprisingly supporting the move.

“Frankly 90% of what I read is some awful re-purposed shit about forbidden love and euro-trash vampires that I’d appreciate reading what someone competent could do with a completely fucked out genre,” said Michael Kimmelman of the New York Review of Books. “Even if he is just nakedly slumming it for cash.”

Others, from the New York Times to McSweeney’s, offered support ranging from “Just don’t make them sparkle” to a fervent hope that Roth would attempt to tie his famed Nathan Zuckerman character into the new series of novels. Either by making Zuckerman a vampire, a vampire hunter, or recounting a romance had with a shiksa vampire in his youth.

“Zuckerman as a teacher at a school for vampires is the idea that has me most excited,” said Times literary critic Janet Maslin when contacted for this story.

When presented with some of these suggestions Roth reportedly yelled that they were all legally his and that he’d sue anyone who infringed on them.

But Roth’s recent foray into naked money grubbing is part of a larger trend in the literary world. Cormac McCarthy recently announced he was about to start work on a trilogy of books about werewolves, while Michael Chabon has reportedly cast his lot in with merpeople, hoping that will be the next genre to take off and set him up with a lucrative series of films.

Alice Sebold has quit writing books to becoming a staff writer on Two and a Half Men, while the estate of Roberto Bolano has unearthed a 1700 page novel entitled Star Wars Jedi War: The Mandalorians Revenge which will be released by Lucas Books and Ballentine by the end of the year.

“There’s just no money in integrity nowadays,” observed Harvard English Professor and Twilight fan-fiction writer Dr. Karen Whitman. “Sure you can try to putter around here and there writing the odd masterpiece of American fiction and getting a Pulitzer every couple of years, but where’s the money in that? Who wants to make a movie out of a heady tome about the immigrant experience in 1930’s San Francisco? Why not just crassly jump on board whatever is popular at the moment and ride that wave to the bank?”

“Like I wrote in my Twilight short story Love’s Bite, after Edward leaves Bella to marry the new, shy, mousy, literary girl Karen: ‘Sometimes you just gotta keep it real.’”

As of now Roth plans to have the first novel out sometime next month with four to follow by the end of the year. He says he hopes that his endeavors will lead to a movie company taking a chance on glomming onto the Twilight bandwagon and churning out a low budget competitor, but that he is, at the very least, hoping that these novels can be turned into a low rated drama for the ABC network.

“Fingers crossed,” Roth said. “Film or TV. I will tailor this bullshit to whatever medium will provide me the riches that being considered one of the greatest living writers has failed to.”

Broken in Brief: Inspirational speech leads group to raise their weapons into the air and go "yaaaaaaaaah"

MOMENTS BEFORE THE BIG BATTLE—Today the leader of a local resistance movement informed his ragtag group of fighters that the final battle was at hand. In a speech that many observers felt was “inspirational”, “rousing”, and “kind of familiar”, the leader told the group that they needed to band together and fight for what they believed in.

The group, which had been under attack by a larger, better equipped force for weeks, had come to symbolize for many the struggle of the weak against the strong, as well as some form of science and technology versus religion and faith, the good old ways against the bad new ways, colonialism, class struggles, and any numerous other forms of conflict.

In the speech, those assembled were informed that the other larger group had thought they could just come in and impose their will onto the smaller group. The band of scrappy but lovable malcontents was informed that this was not, in fact, what was going to happen. No, what was going to happen was that they were going to stand up and fight even though the odds were long and that they, the smallish group of put upon lower classes, would triumph over the larger group, who they assumed were richer and well off and probably the British government or an American corporation.

Only then, said the leader, would they know freedom and finally be free to exercise it in the manner with which they wanted; whether it be to use or not use technology, believe in or not believe in a new God or Gods, live apart from or within the larger society as a whole, have their own country, be left alone, or do whatever it is the group was trying to do.

At the conclusion of this speech the leader said that while they might lose or even die, that the other group would not be able to take their freedom/land/beliefs and that together, this group would show the other group, which might have been a fascist regime or evil aliens, what it meant to be free/that this was their land.

At which point everyone raised their weapons into the air and screamed “Yaaaaaaaah!”

As of press time no one is sure what happened during the pitched fight, but it is though that the groups small size and relative technological inferiority, initially thought to be hindrances to their fight, turned out to be strategic advantages that, combined with the fervency of their cause, helped win them the battle.

Broken News: Area man apologizes after his parody of religion becomes church doctrine

DOVER—Early today, after much soul searching and numerous bouts of laughing to himself, humorist Charlie Warren formally apologized for the series of events that led a satirical take on religion and religious extremism to become the officially sanctioned doctrine of the Catholic Church.

“I would just like to offer my humblest apologies to the, uh, world, the billions of followers of Christianity, the Pope, and, uh, the Baby Jesus,” a slightly perplexed Warren proclaimed to the assembled media and local religious leaders. “I was just having a bit of fun, making a few jokes or two. I didn’t expect it to go this far. I won’t do it again. My bad.”

He then threw his hands up in the air and with a tinge of complete disbelief in his voice, exclaimed “I just thought people would understand it was an obvious joke!”

The parody, in which an alleged Bishop purported to claim that rubbing children in bacon fat and yelling at them in Latin would ward off “ill gay omens” and that the church should partake in the use of a giant catapult while giving confession so that church patrons may “confess their sins closer to God”, was originally published on Warren’s blog.

Despite the ridiculous claims in the piece and the fact that the Bishop referenced in the narrative, Bishop Don Magic Juan, is an O.G. Chicago pimp, several news services picked up and ran the story as if it were real. Soon after, the Catholic League began pushing these theories, public support in churches increased, and at the behest of the United States Conference of Catholic Bishops, the Vatican made these two tenets into church doctrine, placing orders for thousands of catapults and thousands of gallons of rendered hog fat.

“C’mon,” Warren shouted. “Wasn’t the joke massively obvious?”

While to most outside observers that answer would be an emphatic yes, the question still remains how such a ludicrous attempt at satire was able to make it into the laws of the Catholic Church.

“Oooh…..I don’t know if I want to say this out loud, it could get me in a lot of trouble,” said a nervous Oliver Palmer, a news editor for Reuters, one of the news services that originally picked up the Warren piece. “How about…religious fundamentalists in this country are so batshit insane nowadays that there is no ceiling to the kind of incomprehensibly deranged activity, belief, or political cause they will engage in. Anything is plausible. Anything!”

Palmer sighed a bit and winced, “I bet I’m going to get such a nasty letters from Bill Donohue and the Catholic League for saying that.”

But far from castigating Palmer and others who share his similar outlook on the state of religion inside America and around the world, the Vatican was sympathetic.

“It’s a fair cop,” observed Bishop Gianluco Scherzo, the head of the Vatican’s Department for Mitigating the Damage Catholicism Does to Itself. “I mean for years we covered up child molestations, we’re in Africa contributing to the spread of AIDS by opposing the use of condoms or making official statements that they don’t work, and in DC we’re about to shut homeless shelters and adoption centers just because we might have to hire a gay, or at least not fire a gay because he is a gay. And that’s just the official actions of the Catholic Church! We’re not even talking about what all the Christian offshoots and fundamentalists think.”

Scherzo shuddered as he thought of it, “American fundamentalists…woof. Give me the creeps. No, this was all too plausible. Though I still think we’re going to keep both changes. Eh, it’s not like they’re all that much crazier than what we actually believe and most of the catapults are already built and paid for.”

For his part, Mr. Warren has seemed to have learned his lesson.

“Not only do I reiterate my pledge to never dip my toes in the fevered swamps of religion so naively again. But if I do make any future attempts at parody or news satire, I assure you I will do so in only the most hamhanded and obvious way possible, replete with loose ciphers for myself speaking overt statements about their views on current religious trends,” Warren said, his hand placed firmly over his heart.

“You know,” he paused. “Like a hack would.”

Broken In Brief: Dan Brown really mails in his latest novel

EXETER—With the impending film release of Angels & Demons, a Ron Howard film based on the 2000 novel of the same name, sources reveal that the book’s author, Dan Brown, has hastily put together a slapdash new novel to capitalize on the approaching blockbuster.

The novel, titled the Gilgamesh Diversion, centers on Brown’s famous Robert Langdon character as he attempts to navigate the dark and mysterious world of Hollywood in an attempt to sell a spec script to an enigmatic, crippled former child star-turned director. Along the way, Langdon encounters the Bilderberg Group, a secret cabal of Jewish mystics, a snotty guard at the Columbia Pictures lot, blindingly obvious puzzles, an evil one-eyed mulatto, famous structures that are also obvious puzzles, reams of misappropriated and inaccurate history, and enough third-rate conspiracy theories to send a shiver of delight up the leg of a Ron Paul supporter.

“I’m not gonna say the DaVinci Code and Angels & Demons were master works, but he really mailed this one in,” observed Columbia executive Max Kohler. “When I read that the Bilderburg Group and Judaism were conspiring together in an attempt to keep the Langdon character from getting $10 million up front, a cut of the back end profits and foreign gross, and an executive producer credit on the film, it all kind of fell apart for me. It almost made me not want to give Danny $10 million up front, a cut of the back end profits and foreign gross, and an executive producer credit for the movie rights of this book. Still though, this thing is going to make a fortune.”

Columbia hopes to have Akiva Goldsman begin work on the script and have the film prepped for a summer 2011 release as soon as Ron Howard finds a small, heartfelt movie he’s interested in that Columbia won’t greenlight unless Howard agrees to direct another Dan Brown film.

Caroline Kennedy on track to inherit birthright

Good news everyone, Caroline Kennedy is winning people over in her bid to be appointed as New York's Senator. Voters? Democrats? Grassroots supporters? The blogosphere? No, party hacks and Clinton toadies.

When Caroline Kennedy first let it be known that she was interested in being New York's junior Senator, she received a chilly reception from Hillary Clinton backers and some members of the progressive community. Now, it seems, the tide of popular opinion is turning towards the former first daughter and Barack Obama confidante.

Several prominent voices have lent their support to her political aspirations, including Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid. Meanwhile, Clinton herself has let it be known that her supporters should do nothing to impede Kennedy. Already, members of the Clinton rank-and-file are sounding that very tune.

Oh good, Harry Reid is for it. Though if Dick Cheney got up in his face about it, he'd probably support appointing Jeb Bush to the seat. But if total hacks like Lanny Davis are for it, it must be a brilliant idea.

I think our elected betters just misheard. We said "new blood" they heard "blue blood". There is something inherent in the Kennedy DNA that makes all of them electorally desirable. All well, I guess Caroline can just hold it down until one of the Cuomo's has to appoint Chelsea to a seat. Do Ed Koch or Chuck Schumer have any kids that are old enough yet? New York needs to take it's cue from PA, here we make our legacy name trust funders run for the seat. We'll probably only elect Chris Matthews by a small margin too.

NYT: Obama to blame for Blagojevich

With the big news that Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevitch decided to get his stupid on and start brazenly auctioning off a Senate seat, the NYT decided to get it's own brand of stupid on. Apparently because Obama fought to pass an ethics reform bill in Illinois...that somehow Rod's subsequent money orgy was BHO's fault. Obama put Blag's arm up behind his back and made him sell the seat....with laws.

In a sequence of events that neatly captures the contradictions of Barack Obama’s rise through Illinois politics, a phone call he made three months ago to urge passage of a state ethics bill indirectly contributed to the downfall of a fellow Democrat he twice supported, Gov. Rod R. Blagojevich.
...
But after the call from Mr. Obama, the Senate overrode the veto, prompting the governor to press state contractors for campaign contributions before the law’s restrictions could take effect on Jan. 1, prosecutors say.
...
Beyond the irony of its outcome, Mr. Obama’s unusual decision to inject himself into a statewide issue during the height of his presidential campaign was a reminder that despite his historic ascendancy to the White House, he has never quite escaped the murky and insular world of Illinois politics.

Guh? Obama calls to urge the support of an ethics bill Blagojevich hates because it cuts into his racket. The Illinois Senate passes it over a veto and Blagojevich goes crazy trying to hoover up money before the law goes into effect, sealing his indictment and eventual prison rape. Obama supporting this bill was bad...how? It's contradictory...how? The fact that it helped nail a crook and there's no evidence that Obama was entangled in anything throws him deep into the murky world of Chicago graft...how?

I know talking about Chicago politics and indictments turns every hack journalist into a warmed over Dashiell Hammett, with fast talking dames and scarfaced baddies, but Obama did a good thing and it had a good result. Is it that hard to write that? Can we not rehash the Maltese Falcon?

Why I hate the media: Dowd and Cohen

It's no secret that I hate the media in this country. If you took every political journalist, put them on a boat, took it out 12 miles, sunk it, then shot anyone who was able to swim back, I think you'd dramatically improve this country and the way the government gets covered. More than anything I hate the columnists that drive the media conventional wisdom. You know what I'm talking about, the wisdom that always ends up wrong but every pundit spouts about for weeks on end. This week gave me two good examples for why I hate.

Today via the Washington Post's columnist Richard Cohen. His premise? If you count everything good John McCain did and don't count anything good Barack Obama did, McCain looks better. Furthermore if you count the things McCain did to serve his conservative constituency as good and count the things Obama did to serve his liberal constituency as inherently bad, then McCain looks even better. Also Cohen is too busy to bother learning about Obama, so that is a positive for McCain as well.

From Sunday, the New York Times' Maureen Dowd comes another line in the same column she writes three out of every four weeks: Every Democrat is an effeminate gay-mosexual for some ill-defined reason. This week Obama is total queer-bait (again) because he went to France and interacted with straight men.

A column based around "If you don't count this and only count this, then a different event from reality happens" Rich? It's the kind of column lame, homer sports fans write after every failed season. "If only the Pirates won 30 more games, spent more than the bare minimum, and fielded a complete roster of major league caliber players, they totally would have won the World Series." Furthermore he seems to be unable to even to the most basic level of research into a candidate: clicking on the issues tab on someone's website. But then we might have been spared his brilliant wisdom.

As for Dowd, every week they should just spin a wheel with every Democrats name on it and a wheel with common every day actions on it, then just fill both into the sentence "____ is effeminate because they did ____." "Russ Feingold is effeminate because he ate a foot long hot dog." If a woman's name comes up we just switch the slur to "dykey." Then we can spend 3 seconds reading it, know why they're gay, and you can go edit the cattiest High School gossip column in the lower 48, just like you always wanted.

You make millions, have a weekly national audience in two of the biggest papers in the country and this is the shit you come up with. I understand that it's hard to come up with a new idea every week. But can you at least put some effort into it? For my sanity's sake? No? I'm gay and if you don't count everyone worse than me I'm history's greatest monster? Fine. Would you like to come to this party cruise I'm having? Bill Kristol, Tom Friedman, and David Broder will be there.