You're all right, pornography

Though lost on girlfriends, parents, clergy, and several uniformed police officers, my nearly two decade-old argument that pornography is good for you now has science as its ally.

Hey, Milton Diamond, professor in the department of anatomy, biochemistry and physiology at the University of Hawaii and director of the Pacific Center for Sex and Society, talk dirty to me.

Over the years, many scientists have investigated the link between pornography (considered legal under the First Amendment in the United States unless judged “obscene”) and sex crimes and attitudes towards women. And in every region investigated, researchers have found that as pornography has increased in availability, sex crimes have either decreased or not increased.

Ooh, that's right. What else, baby?

Despite the widespread and increasing availability of sexually explicit materials, according to national FBI Department of Justice statistics, the incidence of rape declined markedly from 1975 to 1995. This was particularly seen in the age categories 20–24 and 25–34, the people most likely to use the Internet.

Mmm... yeah. Harder. Harder!

What does correlate highly with sex offense is a strict, repressive religious upbringing.

Aaaaand I'm spent. What a way to finish, too. I mean, who could have imagined there would be a link between strict religious upbringing and sexual deviance?

People of earth, science has enabled you to freely fap unfettered. Go now, and beat your parts like they owe you money. Hey, it's science.

Stimulate the... economy. Yeah, the economy.

It's no secret that many of us are short on cash these days. Matthew and myself are no exceptions -- he squeezes off more knuckle children than they know what to do with at the sperm bank (often without prompting) and I've been broke since that Nazi bastard at the Red Cross found out about that whole "Hepatitis C" thing. Fucker.

I digress. Should you find yourself truly strapped and suddenly out of ideas, look no further than British site Faces of Ecstasy, which will reportedly pay you £70 (~$4,000 U.S.) to film yourself having an orgasm. Be sure to also stop by its French equivalent, Beautiful Agony, which is pretty much the same thing, except with more underarm hair.

It is your civic duty.