Broken News: ABC claims credit for terrorist attack that exposed public to new, virulent strain of Kelsey Grammer sitcom

NEW YORK—In the wake of last Wednesday's terrorist attack on the American public that critics have labeled “awful”, “tremendously unfunny”, and “beyond the pale of human decency”, the American Broadcasting Company has stepped forward to claim credit for the dastardly assault. ABC gleefully informed a beleaguered populace that it was the one responsible for greenlighting and airing the new Kelsey Grammer sitcom Hank.

The sitcom, which was concocted, incubated, produced, filmed, and released from a secret facility inside of Burbank, California, was initially thought just to be the product of a diseased mind and an empty threat that ABC didn't have the stones to unleash on the public at large. But after the public did not heed ABC’s initial demands that new shows Cougar Town and The Middle debut and maintain an audience of over 4 million viewers, the network announced it would expose America to what it called “the most virulent form of Kelsey Grammer sitcom that science could possibly create.”

“You failed to heed our demands, America. Now you see that we mean business. Now you know the kind of people you’re dealing with,” said ABC President Steve McPherson, in a taped message he released to al Jazeera. “Be fully aware that unless we see improvements on the Cougar Town numbers and sufficient premiere numbers for the return of Lost, we are more than prepared to air a second episode of Hank.”

He then paused to cackle, his laughs echoing off the cave wall behind him, “Rest assured, we have fully edited and locked twelve episodes of this program already, with the full intention of completing a full season order of 24. You cannot escape our reach. You cannot escape Hank.”

Doctors for the Center for Disease Control have advised against anyone who either witnessed the premiere and survived or heard it from another room and merely need emergency medical attention from describing the contents of the show, repeating any of the so-called "jokes," or explaining the plot, lest more damage from this terrorist act be spread out into the populace. The CDC has however released a preliminary outline of the premise, with instructions that those who hear it should seek medical help if it starts to make them sick.

“Yes, it seems the premise is just a basic ‘rich man is made poor and has to return to his wacky old hometown’ scenario,” said Dr. Harold Lao, the CDC chief medical officer heading up the response team to the attack. “The one difference is that Hank seems to have been made with no concern for humor, creativity, or with the thought that any conceivable age, gender, sexual orientation, religion, race, or demographic would find it amusing.”

Dr. Lao paused, a cold shiver running up his spine, “I’ve seen some horrible shit, but this…..this was awful. Just awful.”

Those within the CDC say this attack was expertly designed; using the American public’s built up goodwill for Grammer’s Dr. Frasier Crane character from Cheers and Frasier to serve as the method for the attack. Clean-up crews report that in the terrorist attacks’ initial stages, people were lulled into a false sense of security by Grammer, then became increasingly horrified as they realized the show’s ‘rich man no rich no mo’ premise was going to be teased out for an excruciating 30 minutes.

However, experts say the real damage and destruction to America’s psyche came when it dawned on viewers that this hackneyed idea was not only supposed to sustain an entire season’s worth of shows, but ideally 5 to 10 additional seasons followed by eventual syndication.

“They just couldn’t take it, bless them, they just couldn’t take it,” observed a weeping Dr. Lao, the total number of dead unknown as of press time.

The scale and depravity of the attack has caused survivors and victims’ families to petition the government for swift action hunting down and destroying the rogue network and its appalling sitcom star. But despite a pledge from President Obama to “hunt these vile perverts to the ends of the earth and exterminate them for their transgressions against the United States”, there is little hope that Grammer or McPherson will be apprehended or killed in time. Though some aren't convinced of Grammer's guilt.

“I can only hope that we can rescue Mr. Grammer safely, that is if he's not dead already” observed FBI special investigator Don McCourt, credited by many as the man who tracked and apprehended the makers of Joey after their 46 episode war on decency. “Poor guy is probably a patsy. They're probably holding his family hostage in order to make him do it. God knows he doesn’t need the money. I just think it’s best we remember Frasier Crane and Sideshow Bob, not the twisted monstrosity they've turned him into.”

“McPherson,” he spat out, the contempt in his voice palpable. “That’s the guy we have to track down.”

But as terrorist mastermind McPherson’s threats of more episodes, spinoffs, HD broadcasts, repeats, and online simulcasts paralyze a fearful and traumatized nation, thoughts have turned to coping with the destruction that has already been wrought.

“30 Rock,” said Dr. Lao, kissing a stack of the show’s DVD’s that he was hugging to his chest. “Thank God 30 Rock is coming back. It's gonna get a lot of us through this.”