8th time is the charm

The Daily Show on how we're all totally going to be weaned off of our foreign dependency on oil... this time for certain.

Broken News: Millions of Americans not gonna touch this one with a ten foot fucking pole

AMERICA—With the recent revelation that an attempted humanitarian aid mission to the Gaza strip was met with force by the Israeli military, resulting in anywhere from 10-20 deaths, 30 injured, and over 600 arrested, millions of Americans have announced that uh-uh, no way, not in a million fucking years are they gonna go anywhere near this one. Not with a ten-foot fucking pole.

“Oh no, you’re not dragging me into this,” announced David Haren, a fellow at the Brookings Institute Saban Center for Middle East Policy. “If there one thing Middle East studies have taught me, it’s to know better than to wade into this mess. Jog on.”

Indeed, when numerous experts were asked whether or not they’d like to talk about these events, we were met with abrupt hang-ups, abject laughter, stammering leading into fainting, and various reams of profanity indicating that we had either lodged our heads completely up our fucking asses, had gone completely off our fucking rockers, or were assuming a mass level of retardation had swept the ranks of American academic, foreign policy, and news commentary.

Upon requesting that a group of individuals from the Washington Post give their opinions on the situation, they, as a group, slowly backed away from us before sprinting and diving into an abandoned spillway.

When we approached normally reliable sources on the Israeli-Palestinian conflict for their input, such as John Abrahms of the Carter Center, who last year almost successfully convinced the Oxford English Dictionary to add “arguing about Israel on the internet” as the number one definition of “futility,” Mr. Abrahms produced a large knife and proceeded to barricade himself inside his office.

Even members of the American public seemingly know better than to comment, as if they feel nothing useful or productive will ever emerge from a discussion of Israel.

Several attempts to engage citizens on the street about things like American aid to Israel, the UN Security Council, Turkey and NATO tensions with Israel, independent investigations, Matisyahu's back catalogue, or general questions about the Middle East were either met with intense skepticism and silence, protestations that they spoke no English, or statements that they "fucking knew better and that you [we] oughtta fucking know better than to ask, you [we] jackass [jackasses]."

In fact most Americans have reflexively taken to flinching when the third-person singular verb, “is”, is employed. Most have suspended the use of the word “real” in order to avoid having other people think they just heard them make a comment about Israel and attempt to start a conversation about it.

We were able to get one person to comment, Dr. Tom Wallace of the Institute for the Study of Diplomacy at Georgetown. After a series of unethical lies about our intention to discuss flowers, puppies, and the general state of pleasant niceties, Dr. Wallace eagerly opened up.

After explaining that we were “rotten, disingenuous bastards” and that he would “bring down all manner of unpleasant horrors on our families", we in turn informed him that the room we were in had been barricaded, the windows sealed, sharp objects removed, and that he had no chance of escape. After an unsuccessful attempt to change the subject to “things that are much less divisive… like, say the Armenian genocide or America’s storied racial conflicts”, Dr. Wallace relented.

“I, uh, would just like to say that… oh Jesus… that, whether or not you think Israel acted rashly or, OR... that the actions of the humanitarians… SO CALLED HUMANITARIANS, SO CALLED HUMANITARIANS… were justified,” Wallace said, his eyes darting around the room looking for any means of escape and his shirt beginning to soak from the profuse sweat.

“I think we can all agree… that this… was… important. Or possibly not important at all. I certainly condemn the loss of life, but not in a manner which seeks in any way to asses blame, just factually acknowledge that lives were lost… hoo boy…. Sovereignty… good… terrorism… bad,” he finished, before attempting to swallow his own tongue after repeated attempts to hold his breath until he died failed miserably.

As of now, Wallace is recovering in the intensive care wing of an unnamed local hospital. His career is in critical condition, having been immolated in a cross fire of warring commentary on his commentary by opposite sides of the Israel/Palestine debate.

At press time, the country said “See!” and noted that there’s no way they’re getting involved of any of this shit. Early reports say America has calmly turned its TV to old re-runs of Mama’s Family.

Diplomacy is for adults

The dance of diplomacy is a complicated one in which there is much give and take in a relationship over a long term in order to produce a mutually beneficial result, usually centered around trade or us bombing a third party. On the other hand, with Venezuela, sometimes diplomacy is just a dance of childish mockery, petulance, and schoolyard antics. Chavez calls us some form of a devil, we call him a cheap despot, he tells us to stop using our earthquake machine on Haiti, we tell him that we regret ever showing him the earthquake machine, he claims we killed off all the bigfoots, and we mock the poverty and instability of his country.

Essentially he uses any opportunity to launch himself, Wile E. Coyote style from a large slingshot, into any situation dressed in full clown makeup. We in turn respond by mocking him and pointing out the poverty of his country and, if the mood suits us, by trying to overthrow him.

For instance take the recent state visit to Venezuela by Russian PM Vladimir Putin. While there to compare notes on what it's like to never have to leave power, Putin expressed support for Russia helping Venezuela achieve a particular goal of theirs. Namely launching Hugo Chavez, or perhaps some other Venezuelan, or perhaps space tourists into orbit. Because Hugo buys so many weapons from Russia, $4 billion worth at last count, not only is Russia going to help Hugo build nuclear plants, they're going to help Hugo set up a space launcher and factory. Why does Venezuela need a space program? Only the mind of Chavez knows. But America was quick to reply with a Chavez sized dose of international snark.

Phil Crowley, a spokesman for the US State Department said the two nations had the right to pursue relations with whichever nations they chose but he questioned the South American country's priorities.

"I think in the meeting there was some suggestion of space travel by Venezuela," he said.

"We would note that the government of Venezuela was largely closed this week due to energy shortages and to the extent that Venezuela is going to extend resources on behalf of its people, perhaps the focus should be more terrestrial than extraterrestrial."

After that, Crowly reportedly extended his hand, dropped the mic theatrically, and waved his hand in front of his face yelling "FACE!!!" while head of the Bureau of Western Hemisphere Affairs, Assistant Secretary of State Arturo A. Valenzuela, yelled "You just got dealt on, Hugo!"

As of yet, Venezuela has not yet responded to getting diplomatically sizzerved. But when Hugo gets out of the library after researching some epic conspiracy that was heretofore unknown that we caused/controlled/covered-up for our benefit/South America's detriment/so as not to reveal how weak we truly are, we'll bring you the details. I'm betting it has something to do with mer-people, Atlantis, and just when the CIA commissioned El Ultimo Tectonico Diablo.

The Simpsons Did Something Funny

Just a quick reminder that, apart from the two countries we are currently occupying by force, Israel is by far the largest recipient of US foreign economic and military aid. Egypt is 4th. Serbia and Montenegro get the shaft.

Apropos, we recommend yesterday's NYT thought piece on how an Israeli attack on Iranian nuclear facilities might play out.

No foreigners

The Sarah Palin "I wroted a word book" tour goes ever on. This time stopping at America's own monument to consumer culture: the Mall of America. If you'd like to see Sarah in person and maybe even report on it, they just have one request: no foreigners.

But the mall also was banning foreign reporters, permtting "only English speaking press." That's not a common requirement.

Mall officials, calling the proposed guidelines a mistake, apologized to Palin today for "an internal miscommunication" that was "inadvertently distributed."
...
"That should never have been in any kind of press release," said Tina Andreadis, a publicist for HarperCollins, publisher of Palin's hot-selling memoir. "That's not the message the governor wants to send out.''

Actually, judging from her various speeches on immigration and foreign policy, "no foreigners" is exactly the message she wants to get out. But the apology for accidentally exposing her expressed wishes was nice.

It's just a shame that they're banning the only people that could possibly appreciate the Palin signing and come away mentally unscathed: those who experience it through a nearly intractable language barrier, secure in the knowledge that she can't do anything to ruin the country they're actually from.

Guh?

So, uh, President Obama just won the Nobel Peace Prize, becoming the third sitting President and first in 90 years to win the award. In a surprise to everyone, Barry won the award without having that "peace" requirement that everyone else usually has on their Nobel resume. They're apparently grading on a curve.

The committee praised Obama for his "extraordinary efforts to strengthen international diplomacy and cooperation between peoples" during his nine months in office and singled out for special recognition Obama's call for a world free of nuclear weapons, which he first made in an April speech in Prague
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In response to questions from reporters in Oslo, who noted that Obama so far has made little concrete progress in achieving his lofty agenda, committee chairman Thorbjoern Jagland said he hoped the prize would add momentum to Obama's efforts. At the same time, Jagland said, "We have not given the prize for what may happen in the future. We are awarding Obama for what he has done in the past year. And we are hoping this may contribute a little bit for what he is trying to do."

Jagland specifically cited Obama's speech about Islam in Cairo last spring, as well as efforts to address nuclear proliferation and climate change and use established international bodies such as the United Nations to pursue his goals. The committee -- made up of luminaries selected by the Norwegian government -- noted a profound shift in American policy and said Obama had "created a new climate in international politics. Multilateral diplomacy has regained a central position, with emphasis on the role that the United Nations and other international institutions can play."

I say again: Guh? That's strange, I've never seen a Nobel used to try to guilt someone into not escalating an armed conflict. Or someone say they hoped the award helped his future diplomatic endeavors, as if being President of the US isn't enough, he needs to be President of the US with a gold star on his lapel to be extra effective. Still though, Barry has tried very hard at outreach towards the Muslim world what with his speech there and all, made strides and agreements over nuclear non-proliferation, hosted a G20 event, has ratcheted back the inexplicable tensions the Bush Administration had with Russia by scrapping that missile defense, held that important "beer summit", seemed to make some progress with Iran, and has changed America's diplomatic posture from one of "intense pouting" to the arcane custom we refer to as "talking". Still....seems a bit light. Oh, I forgot he's not Bush. He is definitely not Bush. That's a plus. I guess it was just a down year for big diplomacy. It's sort of like when the Spurs won the NBA title during the 1998-99 lockout year.

Of course the same old critics came out to wail and moan at the award: the Taliban and the right wing of the GOP. Actually the fringe right's crazed disdain and sneering wasn't a surprise, but the Taliban kind of was. Who knew they had a lightning fast media office? So now we get to hear a few days worth of shrieking over diplomacy being gay and appeasement instead of interminable shrieking over death panels. At least it's a change from health care crazy to foreign policy crazy with a healthy dose of Euro-bashing.

So congrats, Barry. Excuse me; Nobel Prize winning Barry. Paul Krugman will show you the secret handshake. And hey, just think: if your Nobel acceptance speech is good enough and you take one of the diplomatic tracks you've started to the finish line, they'll give you a second one! Go back to back! Three-peat! Then you can rub that shit in the noses of assholes like Linus Pauling and the Office of the UN High Commission for Refugees.

This seems important

I'm no Iraq expert. I mean I know the important stuff: blame Bush, bitch about it not making us safer, "RUMSFELD!!!!", cryptically allude to oil prices, "it had nothing to do with 9/11", and casually joke about the kind of chaos that will reign when we leave. But other than that I'm of no particular genius about the situation. So, uh, doesn't US troops officially withdrawing from every city seem like something that should have been mentioned once or twice by our government? No aircraft carrierlandings, maybe just a post-it note on the communal fridge. It seems fairly important.

Iraqi forces assumed formal control of Baghdad and other cities Tuesday after American troops handed over security in urban areas in a defining step toward ending the U.S. combat role in the country. A countdown clock broadcast on Iraqi TV ticked to zero as the midnight deadline passed for U.S. combat troops to finish their pullback to bases outside cities.

"The withdrawal of American troops is completed now from all cities after everything they sacrificed for the sake of security," said Sadiq al-Rikabi, a senior adviser to Prime Minister Nouri al-Maliki. "We are now celebrating the restoration of sovereignty."

The Pentagon did not offer any comment to mark the passing of the deadline.

This was a big day for Iraqi's, filled with many celebrations and bitchy comments about how mean we are. I say celebrations, but the only people who celebrated were those who weren't afraid to go outside because they feared large scale violence. Hell there was even a ceremony where we handed over keys to the Defense Ministry. I'm not sure if they were the real keys or ceremonial keys, but there could be awkwardness if the Iraqis lose the keys and we have to make them copies from the set we secretly kept. At least we didn't hand them a crowbar and handwritten instructions from a private on how to jimmy the door open. We even threw a military parade to celebrate....so people were told. It was in the Green Zone, inaccessible to citizens, and media was essentially barred from covering it, but it was alleged to have happened.

So congratulations Iraq on your kinda sorta "sovereignty". Sure we're just over the hill watching you, you don't really control anything, and we'll take it all back if we deem you unable to properly run things, but enjoy it. Sure we barely even remember we're still in Iraq, but I'm sure this might have been an important day for you that we totally would have covered if not for a musician dying.

Someone muzzle Grampa

With Iran refusing to nullify the election, moving to swear in Ahmadinejad, and taking that extra classy Chinese Government step of charging bullet fees for the protesters government security forces shot, I have but one small happy thought: thank Baby Jesus that John McCain isn't President.

Sen. John McCain continued to rap President Barack Obama for his measured reaction to the crisis in Iran, which McCain said was inadequate in its support for the protestors of Mahmoud Ahmadinejad's contested re-election.
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The line pushed by McCain has become the de-facto Republican criticism of Obama since the crisis in Iran began. The president has expressed his concern with the rising violence in the country as well as the obvious inaccuracies in the presidential vote. But he has avoided outright support for the seating of opposition candidate Mir Hossein Moussavi.

The measured manner of Obama's response, while criticized by some, has been described as essential by many foreign policy observers.

I love that his plan come down to the President waving bigger pom-poms and perhaps forming a human pyramid before trying to get onlookers to spell our I-R-A-N letter by letter. Good plan Johnny, because people in Iran, let alone the rest of the world, are confused to America's thoughts on the matter. What we need to be doing is intertwining American power an influence with the leadership of the revolution. Because after all, what Iranian doesn't like the thought of the foreign power that overthrew it's democratically elected government in 1953 and propped up a dictatorship for decades, then supplied Saddam Hussein with chemical weapons so he could gas Iranians in an all out war, co-opting the leadership of a democratically based revolution? I totally bet that it wouldn't be used as a weapon to discredit the movement and as an excuse to get even harsher with protesters.

I can't believe the man that glibly sang about bombing these same people that are now marching in the streets doesn't know enough about Iran to gauge stupid foreign policy from smart foreign policy. Here's a tip Mac, if Joe Scarborough is labeling your criticism as "so shortsighted I find it stunning", and George Will, a man who nakedly distorts facts, thinks the intellectual rigor of your arguments equates to "foolish criticism", it's time to hang 'em up. It's one thing to say "maybe you shouldn't shoot so many protesters", it's another to wrap yourself in green and swear fealty to Mousavi. Learn the difference.

Let's get crazy

Ahh, it's good to have the old North Korea back. We missed them. We've spent too long dealing with terrorists, mullahs, and sheiks that we forgot what facing a truly crazy Bond villain was like. Classic Jong-Il, it's like a fine wine. Not only is he testing underground nukes and launching missiles into the sea, now he's kidnapping journalists and holing up in a shack, daring lawmakers to come and get him. Now they're threatening to launch those nukes if we damage their fragile emotional state.

Pyongyang raised tensions a notch by reviving its rhetoric in a commentary in the state-run Minju Joson newspaper Tuesday.

"Our nuclear deterrent will be a strong defensive means ... as well as a merciless offensive means to deal a just retaliatory strike to those who touch the country's dignity and sovereignty even a bit," said the commentary, carried by the official Korean Central News Agency.

It appeared to be the first time that North Korea referred to its nuclear arsenal as "offensive" in nature. Pyongyang has long claimed that its nuclear weapons program is a deterrent and only for self-defense against what it calls U.S. attempts to invade it.

The tough talk came as South Korea and the U.S. lead an effort at the U.N. Security Council to have the North punished for its nuclear test with tough sanctions.

OK, I understand the sovereignty bit, but dignity? You'll launch the surface to air nukes that you almost certainly don't have if we threaten your dignity? Good luck to Secretary Clinton. Never have I heard of a harder task than that of judging the dignity level of a failed state that barely has electricity, is starving its own people, is run by an insane midget on stilts, and has been reduced to kidnapping journalists and nuking the Pyongyang Field Gopher into non-existence.

How can a man with a personal waterslide, his own private choo choo train, and an ostrich farm be so tense? Take a train ride, ride an ostrich down the speed slide, and take a walk on your estate near the only existence of green grass in the country. Just hand over the journalists, stop nuking mineshafts, and we'll negotiate with you. What do you want anyway? A log flume ride? Designer ostrich saddles? They're yours. Just add in some sort of method to the madness, that's all we're asking.

Where's the hand holding?

C'mon Barry, you may have bowed to him last time you met him, you said something in Muslimese during a speech today about "tolerance" "Muslim alliances" and "new beginnings", your middle name is Hussein, you were educated in a madrassa right under the monkey bars where terrorists train, and there's an ongoing conspiracy to hide your birth certificate so the American people will never know you were born in Afghanistan and are not eligible to be President. Now you can't even be bothered to hold hands with the King?

It's hard work coming up with conspiracy theories, could you at least provide us with some extra material? You know, like Bush did:


Tonight I better see photos of you gettin' to second base with King Abdullah or Hosni Mubarak. Here's an ice breaker for Hosni: your name is Barack, his name is Mubarak. It's almost the same! You'll be makin' out in no time.

Picture of the day

How do you celebrate the new American President's visit to the Middle East and stop in Egypt? Well, with a giant solid gold plate with a pharaoh head and hieroglyphics proclaiming him the new King Tut. Duh.

You can have your collectors plates and coins, I'll take the giant solid gold wall hanging. Hopefully things end better for Barack "New Tutankhamen" Obama than they did for the original Tutankhamen, what with the organs in jars and burial inside a stone tomb full of his cats.

Everthing is fixed

I was worried there for a second about our diplomatic relations with Iran. Turns out I was worrying about nothing. Seems we're cool enough that not only did we invite Iran to our swanky State Department 4th of July BBQ, but Iran accepted and will be bringing cole slaw. Everything's fixed.

Having sent the Iranian people a video greeting on their New Year, President Obama is now inviting them to help celebrate a quintessentially American holiday, the Fourth of July.

Last Friday, the State Department sent a cable to its embassies and consulates around the world notifying them that “they may invite representatives from the government of Iran” to their Independence Day celebrations — annual receptions that typically feature hot dogs, red-white-and-blue bunting and some perfunctory remarks about the founding fathers.

This ought to really help. I see something like...the Iranian representative taking a bite into a hot dog (with all the fixins) when the Israeli rep sneaks up and says "You know those are Kosher", before they both share a laugh. Then the Iranian rep playfully drives the Israeli rep into the sea salt flavored kettle chips, then they embrace. Then we join the embrace. Then the party runs out of beer, but it's OK because someones goes out to get more. Then peace.

Meanwhile North Korea watches from outside the gates, sheds a single tear, and then slowly walks away as music from Charlie Brown plays.

This is exactly what will happen.

Dick diplomacy

Gotta love Dick Cheney. The country reviles him, people think everything he says is a lie (including the ands and thes), and in a just society would be contemplating how he'll spend his free time in the prison yard. But he's still out there giving his morally reprehensible ideas on what Obama should to to have a foreign policy that was as successful as the Bush Administration's. His idea: diplomacy never works unless the other country thinks you're fucked up and crazy enough to start a war with them for no real reason.

Continuing his long advocacy for military strikes to halt Iran’s nuclear program, Cheney said at a dinner after the debate that the only way for President Obama’s diplomacy with Iran to work is if Obama also threatens to bomb the country:

The former Vice President characterized the Iranian goal in negotiations on ending that country’s nuclear program as mere stalling for time, and the Europeans as trying to “restrain the U.S.” from military action. “Everybody’s in a giant conspiracy to achieve a different objective than the one we want to achieve,” Cheney said. The negotiations are “bound to fail unless we are perceived as very credible” in threatening military action against Iran, he said.

That's right, America can no longer afford to be an even, rational, measured hand at the negotiating table. We have to be the coked up guy in the corner, shaking and yelling that he's gonna fuck everyone up if they don't get him some more blow. I mean it worked so well over the last eight years, I don't know why Obama wouldn't want to try it again. Besides the fact he doesn't have the ethics of a Cheney dog.

On another note, I'd like to thank Dick for holding on to the spotlight with every but of strength he can muster. If you weren't there constantly forcing your idiotic thoughts that no one asked to hear into the discussion, this country might start to forget what an unmitigated blight your tenure in office was. As it is they don't have to remember, because you're out there making the American people suppress their gag reflex. Thanks Mr. 20%, keep on being the face of the GOP.

Broken In Brief: Obama Administration happy to take time out of facing complex problems to take easy shots at Dick Cheney

WASHINGTON DC—To hear some staffers talk, the crippling realities of the country the Obama Administration was handed in January has led to not only some serious work, but also serious stresses and mental hardships. That’s why in recent days the White House has been abuzz with excitement over former Vice-President Dick Cheney’s decision to start giving interviews criticizing the new foreign policy direction of the country. It is these brief respites from the crushing, toiling, thankless work of correcting problems caused by the previous administration that has senior staff glad to have small opportunities to pick the lowest hanging fruit possible.

After the former Vice President claimed last week that the reversal of several Bush-era foreign policy strategies had made the country less safe, a nearly euphoric David Axelrod was seen to stagger out of his office yelling “Cheney said that? ‘Torture Dick’? He criticized our foreign policy vis-a-vis terrorism? Marge, cancel my two o’clock and tell a staffer to go fill a barrel full of fish and to bring me my shotgun and shooting hat. It’s time to go clear my head.”

After a round of television interviews where he gleefully mocked the former VP, Axelrod was said to have told Rahm Emanuel that he had quote “never felt so rested and relaxed” and suggested that someone send a flower bouquet to Dick as a show of gratitude for the first easy afternoon he had in months.

Privately some are hoping that Cheney decides to tour the full circuit of right wing radio and television shows and that this wasn’t a onetime event. Ideally other staffers and high level advisers will get a chance to take a much needed mental break that responding to anything Dick Cheney says provides.

Talkin' Turkey

Today Barack Obama made the first trip to a Muslim nation in eight years that didn't involve us waking up one morning and finding out the President went overseas in absolute secrecy in order to not be subject to rocket attacks and planned bombings, and involves a meeting with a Muslim leader that for the first time in years does not have the Muslim leader taking orders or watching the President hang out with the troops that are stationed inside his country. President Obama also wants to make it absolutely clear that despite evidence to the contrary and statements from he previous administration, we are not, repeat not, at war with all Muslims. We also hate North Korea too.

Urging a greater partnership with the Islamic world in an address to the Turkish parliament, Obama called the country an important U.S. ally in many areas, including the fight against terrorism. He devoted much of his speech to urging a greater bond between Americans and Muslims, portraying terrorist groups such as al Qaida as extremists who do not represent the vast majority of Muslims.

"Let me say this as clearly as I can," Obama said. "The United States is not and never will be at war with Islam. In fact, our partnership with the Muslim world is critical ... in rolling back a fringe ideology that people of all faiths reject."

The U.S. president is trying to mend fences with a Muslim world that felt it had been blamed by America for the Sept. 11, 2001, terrorist attacks.

In fairness to us, we only thought that because it was mostly true. Unsurprisingly this trip to Turkey is fraught with perils, including not mentioning a century old genocide against Armenians, not rubbing in the collapse of the Ottoman Empire, supporting Turkey's fight against whatever the PKK is, and repeated assertions that "No, no no. It's those Muslims to the south of your country we don't like. You're the good Muslims: The Tangentially European Muslims."

Why is Turkey important? One: they have the second largest army in NATO and Obama has to be able to mention that a few times in front of Turkish leaders without drooling or moving plastic Turkish armies around on a Iraq battle map to prove he isn't like the last guy. Two: if we want to show the Muslim world we care and show a US President hob-knobbing with Muslim leaders, Turkey or North Africa are as close as Obama can get to appearing in public without a truly 'South American dictator' level police presence. So as long as Obama keeps it under control, the trip should rate as a victory. Which, for those of you scoring at home, raises our record in the Middle East relations to Cincinnati Bengals/Oakland Raiders territory.

Obama hits France

That secret? A sprig of juniper in his shoe every morning. Really freshens things up.

Barry left the G20 summit to go on his first official non-summit/non-Canada state visit. First up on the menu was France, where Barry palled around with Nicolas Sarkozy just a day after he had to break up the French President's slappy fight with Hu Jintao. France has rolled out the red carpet for President Obama and has generally done all the things we did not do for Gordon Brown when he came to the US for his state visit. Don't remember that visit? It more or less involved no carpets, no televised speeches, and ended with Obama shoving Brown out the door with an armful of DVD's the White House had laying around. But Barry doesn't get that kind of treatment. Nope it's all big crowds, big welcomes, and important discussions about NATO.

President Barack Obama won enthusiastic support for his new Afghan war strategy on Friday from French President Nicolas Sarkozy, who pledged more police trainers and civilian aid.

NATO leaders have been reluctant to commit significant new military forces to the deadlocked conflict despite Obama's plan to add 21,000 U.S. troops to the force of 38,000 fighting the rising insurgency. Europeans have been more enthusiastic about increasing humanitarian and development aid than adding soldiers.

"We totally endorse and support America's new strategy in Afghanistan," Sarkozy told a joint news conference after talks with Obama. France will contribute to the new U.S. approach with development assistance and more training for police, Sarkozy said.

Ahh NATO, always on board for police and grain sacks, never really on board for soldiers. It's all right, we'll just do what we always do: sprinkle in a dozen Dutch soldiers, a smattering of Spaniards, a French dinghy, and a German lieutenant with 75,000 American soldiers and viola, we have our NATO force. It is NATO's birthday, so there will be a party with hats, cake, mini-crepes, and a discussion about whether letting in the Ukraine and Georgia at the same time or one by one would tweak the Russians more.

All in all the visit will focus mainly on Afghanistan, Sakozy's efforts in Georgia, NATO, and the overarching goal of Barry's foreign jaunts: to convince the world that he really is going to listen to them, that all the stuff they hated about Bush is mostly gone, and America is now capable of acting like adults again. One advantage Obama has over Bush: he knew what the G20 was. That'll win some Europeans over.

Itinerary

The G-20 meetings in London are underway as of this morning and after all the world leaders are done pulling off their 'months in the making' April Fools pranks they'll get down to talking some tough platitudes about issues facing the world. What's on Obama's menu? Hang out with the Queen, an appearance with the guy who'll probably be running the UK later this year, meetings with the two biggest attention whores, Russia and China, who want to monopolize his time with their issues, and then the big important G20 meet and greets. Also on today's schedule for Barry:

• Walk by Argentina and South Africa, tell them you're too busy to talk to them. Laugh privately about it while you're in the bathroom conducting that "important business".
• Wonder if everyone else is jealous just because the US and Japan came out with their own branded sports drink: G2.
• Turn down parking lot BJ from Gordon Brown.
  
• Eye up the room, judging the participants for tonight's post-dinner all-leader orgy. Total sausage fest.
• Listen to China talk about moving to a standard currency for global transactions. Relay story about Michelle Bachmann and her fears of Chinese money on American streets. Watch as China gets eerily quiet. Dear God, was she right?
• Three way Judo exhibition with Putin and brown bear.
• Awkward elevator ride with Mexico. Dontmentiondrugwar dontmentiondrugwar dontmentiondrugwar.
• Bump into Gordon Brown in halls, explain there's no need for him to feel ashamed about earlier. Apologize for the fact that the DVD's you gave him during his US visit were the wrong region. Promise to get him a correct set soon, but deep down know that David Cameron is going to be the one getting those DVD's.
• Break out "Doing World Leader shit" excuse to wife. Works even better than "Doing Presidential shit" and "I'm sorry I can't talk about us, I have this little thing called the economy to fix."
• Run into South Korea and Indonesia. Who let them in here? Mutter to Sarkozy about stricter membership requirements.
• Promise to Andrea Merkel there will be no forthcoming awkward back rubs/bad touching. It's OK for her to come out of her room.
• Depressing talk about economy. Listen to 19 different versions of "We're waiting for the US to act decisicely" speech.
• Kill anybody who mentions Paul Krugman.
• Head back to hotel. Sleep.
  

Road trip

President Obama is getting the fuck out of here and going on vacation. Eight days in Europe away from all of America's problems. G-20 meetings with other leaders. Safety. Sanity.

Who can blame the guy? Have you been around America? It's depressing, filled with jobless people, mounting problems, no solutions, and assholes asking what you're gonna do about it. America's problems aren't in London, Barry won't be asked to fix London's problems, London's problems are Gordon Brown's problems, all Barry has to do is shake hands and take pictures with leaders who want a photo with the President or who think he's Tiger Woods and still want a photo. Shake some hands, make up some golf swing advice to tell Andrea Merkel, and eat as many mini-quiches as you can stuff in your mouth. Just an easy few days....aw crap they're going to expect leadership on the financial crisis and solutions.

First up: a summit of the world's economic powers in London to address the global financial meltdown that has defined the first two months of Obama's administration.

"The president and America are going to listen in London, as well as to lead," White House spokesman Robert Gibbs said.

The main event in London is Thursday's summit on the global financial crisis among the Group of 20 wealthy and developing nations. Together, they represent 85 percent of the world's economy.

Obama planned to meet with leaders of Britain, Russia and China _ major players in the U.S. financial system. He also scheduled meetings with leaders of India and South Korea while in London.

But money isn't the sole agenda item. Obama plans to attend international summits on urgent topics, including the downward-spiraling fight against terrorists in Afghanistan and Pakistan.

That should go well, "Hey world, I know we're all dealing with this financial crisis--actually I'm dealing with it and you're all hoping my solutions fix your problems, more on that later--but you want to take some time out of your day, dust off those armies you don't use and help a brother out? Why are you all backing into the dining room?"

After a few awkward days of everyone looking to him to fix everything and Obama mumbling a response of "ask Tim Geithner" it's off to France for a speech on trans-Atlantic relations and a tour of destitute Roquefort makers left penniless after our cheese tariff; a speech in Prague about weapons proliferation; a quick jaunt to Berlin to pick up the wallet and spare podium he left there during the election; then off to visit his first Muslim country, Turkey (aka the safe Muslim country) to talk to students. That last one ought to fuel a few days of crazy Michelle Bachmann conspiracy theories. So it's really a working vacation. Still, better than sticking around here.

Good news in foreign policy

Iran holds enough uranium for bomb

In a development that comes as the Obama administration is drawing up its policy on negotiations with Tehran over its nuclear programme, UN officials said Iran had produced more nuclear material than previously thought.

They said Iran had accumulated more than one tonne of low enriched uranium hexafluoride at a facility in Natanz.

If such a quantity were further enriched it could produce more than 20kg of fissile material – enough for a bomb.

Wait, now you're going to tell me that years of bellicose rhetoric and diplomatic shunning from the Bush Administration didn't have any effect on the nuclear program of Iran? Color me stunned. But good for the UN for keeping tabs on their progress for us. Just one question: more than previously thought? Were you running inspections and missed a pile of uranium behind two fat Iranians? Didn't think they were serious? Found out they stopped giving away uranium as gifts and kept more for themselves? Thought Bush was actually effective? The good news is that countries usually wait to build a nuke when they have the material for multiple bombs, not just one. Soooo..........no danger then.

Before Clinton's South Korea Visit, North Korea Steps Up War Rhetoric

North Korea stepped up its war rhetoric Thursday, saying its troops are "fully ready" for war with South Korea, just hours before a visit to Seoul by U.S. Secretary of State Hillary Rodham Clinton.

The North's military accused South Korean President Lee Myung-bak of using "nonexistent" nuclear and missile threats as a pretext for an invasion and warned it was prepared for an "all-out confrontation."

The strident statement carried on state-run media comes amid reports that the North is preparing to test-fire a long-range missile and as Clinton heads to Seoul for talks Friday that are expected to focus on North Korea.

Look who decided to get back in the game! Threatening war and invasion while test firing a missile while Hill-dawg parties diplomatic-style in Seoul. We missed you. Of course all your missiles can do is get test fired into the ocean and, barring you finding actual food to feed your people, I doubt your army even has the strength to fight, let alone the weaponry. But hey, good news, Kim Jong-Il had a stroke and is almost dead, so I'm sure we won't have to find any of these things out before there's a massive power struggle for his throne and shoes with the 5 inch lifts.

The Candian t-shirt economy boom

President Barry is making his first foreign visit today! Of course it's not to a real foreign country, it's to Canada. But still, he needs to get in that practice for when he visits somewhere really bizarre and foreign, like rural Alabama. Still, Barry brings with him the star power to attract all the bigwigs of Canadian politics none of us know the names of and an economic boom the likes of which novelty t-shirt manufacturers have never seen.

"They want to bask in the same glory," said Nelson Wiseman, an associate professor at the University of Toronto. "Nobody would have gone to Ottawa to try to get a glimpse of Bush except to demonstrate against him."

Obama goes to Canada on Thursday for his first foreign visit as president. It will be short, about six hours long. He is not staying for dinner.

But he will meet with Conservative Prime Minister Stephen Harper for a working lunch and a joint news conference. He will also meet briefly with Liberal opposition leader Michael Ignatieff at the airport before he leaves.
...
Jessica Franklanv, an employee of Bang-on T-shirts, said they've sold hundreds of Obama T-shirts.

"People are really excited that he's coming up here so soon after the election," Franklanv said. "I think everybody would like the chance to see him."

This must be such a boost to the Canadian economy, I mean Bush was a tremendous boon to the 'giant marionette holding a war criminal placard' industry, but Obama is really going to move some product. It is nice to know that the entirety of Canadian/US policy can be discussed over sandwiches at a table during a six hour visit that will comprise mostly of getting off and on to a planes, driving to and from the Canadian Parliament, and standing for photos.

First on the agenda: more photo ops with Barry, second: stop rubbing our noses in the superiority of your health care, third: keep your goddamn mooses on your side of the border, fourth: keep the syrup coming cause Barry likes his pancakes soggy, fifth: we're sorry about moving hockey teams to Arizona and Florida, does Winnipeg want one back? Then it's just a matter of getting up from the table, meeting a liberal guy the airport, and then never having to remember about Canada or devote any time to Canadian foreign policy matters for another couple years. Canada's good like that. No worries.