Cheap Blogging Crutch 10.14

Russia: We’ll Nuke ‘Aggressors’ First
You know what really warms the cockles of your heart? Hearing that Russia is changing its military doctrine to allow for "preventative" nuclear strikes....even against countries without nuclear capabilities. Hope you weren't looking to sell your house in Chechnya or Georgia, because I think "potential nuclear holocaust site" tends to drop the value. As a bonus: this ought to really help get Iran in line on attempts to build nuclear weapons.

Latter day taint
An article on Glenn Beck's taint. No, not that taint, just the way the Mormon Beck traipses the bizarre fringes of Mormonism, espouses the thoughts and works of Mormon conspiracy theorist Cleon Skousen, and how all of this might damage the Mormon church. Yes, Glenn Beck is weirder and more of a fringe delusionist than you previously thought. This man has no ceiling on his insanity. We're living in a golden age.

Does Baseball Need Umpires?
The Wall Street Journal looks into the history of blown calls in baseball, the Pitch-f/x zone evaluation system, and whether or not a T-1000 should replace the fat guy hunched over the catcher with a wide strike zone. Sure the system is 100% accurate, but do we really want the front lines of the robopocalyse to be at America's national pastime? All I want to know is if they can create a cyborg that can stop the Pirates from losing ninety+ games a year.

Cleverness is no more. This is a dumb Britain
TV's Jeremy Clarkson takes a moment out from the celebration of Monty Python's 40th anniversary to praise them and to lament how the base foundation of their humor, often based around word usage, snooty novels, art, and philosophy, is incapable of being understood by a populace that wears stupidity as a badge of honor. Surprisingly he's talking about the UK and not America, but I'm sure if he watched CBS's lineup of alleged comedy programs he'd add us in.

Recruited by MI5: the name's Mussolini. Benito Mussolini
Mussolini got his start out in politics with a weekly wage of a 100 pounds from the MI5. In return for the cash he published pieces of support for Italy joining the allies in WWI and sent teams of young gentlemen to "debate" peace protesters with truncheons and clubs. I'm not much of a scholar on history, how'd all that work out?

Stay classy, Mormons

Mitt Romney is breathing a sigh of relief today that he didn't get the GOP nomination over McCain. Why is that? No, not because he had a chance of winning and would have had to face the pig flu/economic crisis. But because it turns out that right in the middle of the campaign season last year, his very own Church of Latter Day Saints decided to posthumously baptize Barack Obama's mother into the Mormon faith. If that had come out during the increased scrutiny of Mitt and the LDS church during a Romney/Obama Presidential campaign you would have heard three things: 1. Romney's political career audibly dying as he either defended it, admitted to having taken part in previous posthumous baptisms, or attempted to throw his entire religion under the bus. 2. Barack Obama cracking his knuckles in preparation for...3. Obama's fist being punched cleanly through the skull of the first Mormon he saw. Which would have probably been Romney.

Via Americablog:

A reader contacted me last week, saying that last year, in the heat of the presidential campaign, the Mormons had posthumously baptized Barack Obama's mother, Stanley Ann Dunham. Baptizing the dead of other faith's, secretly and without the consent of their families, is a common Mormon practice. For the past fifteen years the Mormons have caused quite a stir by forcibly baptizing Jewish Holocaust victims - in other words, converting them to Mormonism - despite strong objections from the Jewish community.

Thus, it's hardly a stretch to imagine the Mormons' doing this to Obama's mother. Still, I had no proof. Then yesterday, I received a document. It's allegedly a screen capture of the registration-only section of the Mormon-run Web site, FamilySearch.org. In that screen capture, excerpted above, is clearly the name and correct date of birth and death of Barack Obama's mother (Stanley Ann Dunham, born 29 Nov 1942 in Kansas, died 07 Nov 1995) and the date of her alleged post-death baptism by the Mormons. You can see the entire document here
...
So we know that the Mormons do in fact have President Obama's mother in their public database. We know that the Mormons have a policy of baptizing into the Mormon faith, without consent, every single person who dies on the planet. And we have a non-public document that mirrors the public documents to a T, and which says that the Mormons baptized President Obama's mother on June 4, 2008 - in the middle of the presidential race.

Reach your own conclusions.

Nice. At least they haven't gotten around to posthumously baptizing any other dead members of the President's family. Go visit Americablog for the whole sordid little story.

Cheap Blogging Crutch 11.14

Why Obama Looks Like a One Termer
I know what you're saying, "Obama isn't even in office yet, how could he have already lost in 2012?" But this guy has peered into his wank-o-globe to see the future and decreed that Barack Obama will be a one term President because of the sheer shittiness of the country that Bush left him. Plus all his socialism will fail and then it devolves into Reagan tongue bathing. I think it's clear though: abandon all Hope, game over man, game over. Things are fucked, you've lost the future, why try? Horde your canned goods and start sharpening anything with a point.

Goldman forecasting biggest rise in joblessness since WWII
Good news everyone! Unemployment is going to rise to 8.5% and then go even higher in 2010, the highest rise in unemployment since we gave that rascal Hitler a right kick in the pantaloons. So says Goldman Sachs and they should know, they made $4 billion shorting mortgage securities by betting on the total collapse of the subprime mortgage market. Although they also thought oil was going to hit $200 a barrel. They were wrong about that and they need to apologize to me and the children in the schoolbus I rammed off the road in a Road Warrior related hallucination where I was convinced they were hording tanks of petrol inside and I was the Lord Humongous. Most of those children aren't going to walk again Goldman Sachs, how about a little compassion? So we're either going to all be unemployed or they've massively overshot a prediction again.

Idaho students chant 'assassinate Obama' on school bus
"I believe the Mormon children are our are future. Teach them well and let them lead the way. Show them all the beauty they possess inside." You stay classy Mormons. Take note GLBT community, these little angels are going to be the ones trying to deny you rights in 2016.

Dear Sarah Palin, Please Shut Up Already
A petition for Sarah Palin to shut up and go away. Back to Alaska to steal money with Ted Stevens and stop Putin from crawling across the border with a knife in his teeth. Apparently these petitioners don't like all the easy comedy, Gervais/David levels of uncomfortable hilarity, and her complete inability to answer simple equations or construct her sentences the way we humans do: logically and with an attempt to sound coherent.

The YouTube Presidency
President Obama is going to put his radio addresses and 'fireside chats' on the YouTubes to sit alongside Ronald Jenkees, beer pong trick shots, and that guy who does that dance in different parts of the world. I can't wait to see the comment section on those posts Barack, given that the general YouTube comment section runs the gamut from "sub-literate misogynist" all the way to "sub-literate racist". Though at least the video responses and terrible re-enactments will provide us with entertainment as we eat grass and dirt in the dystopian future.