Sky War

You know, sometimes we look at this country and our leaders and focus too much on all the bad wars they start or escalate. We tend to forget the good ones they start, like Moon War: the War Against Lunar Aggression. But, as in all things, the world is catching up to us and our ability to start conflicts with orbiting space bodies, nature, and concepts. Take Venezuelan President Hugo "Crackers from Caracas" Chavez, who is not only declaring war against drought, but is taking to the front lines himself to lead the onslaught in his newly declared war against clouds.

Venezuela's President Hugo Chavez says he will join a team of Cuban scientists on flights to "bomb clouds" to create rain amid a severe drought that has aroused public anger due to water and electricity rationing.
...
"I'm going in a plane; any cloud that crosses me, I'll zap it so that it rains," Chavez said at a ceremony late on Saturday with family members of five Cubans convicted of spying in the United States.

"Any cloud that crosses me." That's right, Hugo, you don't take any shit from those goddamn clouds. Won't rain? Maybe a Cuban missile right between its cumulo and nimbus ought to make things a little more clear to those wispy bastards.

I'd advise going heavy. Show them the full might of the Venezuelan air force and bomb them into rainy compliance. But whatever you do don't get into a situation where you have to train stratus clouds to police nimbus clouds to make them keep raining. It just doesn't work. Overwhelming force is the only thing these visible masses of droplets understand. Soon, you'll have Earth-based sky water again.

Us? Oh we've already moved on to moon water. You just keep on drinking that sky stuff. It's cute.

Broken News: Conservatives blast Obama over "competent, effective" missile defense system

WASHINGTON--Republicans went on the offensive today in response to President Obama's new missile defense policy, unveiled late last week.

The plan, which either reverses or drastically modifies the policy put forth by former President George W. Bush, calls for a wider, more mobile network of land and sea-based missile defense platforms. This is in stark contrast to the previous version predicated upon the fixed installations in Eastern Europe that has inflamed tensions with Russia, which viewed the policy as a threat to its regional sovereignty entirely centered around a neoconservative fixation with America's perceived penis size.

Responding to a New York Times editorial by Defense Secretary Robert M. Gates, Jerry Lewis (R-etard), the ranking Republican on the House Appropriations Committee, called Obama's policy, "Laughably competent and cost-effective, not to mention shockingly respectful of international relations with a nuclear power. I can scarcely believe the state of rational military policy that the President has plunged us into."

Banging his fist on the desk, Lewis yelled, “I will not allow the Russians to think that I have a baby dick!”

The President's plan, which has the support of senior Pentagon personnel and high-ranking national security experts, was hailed by Secretary Gates as "very pragmatic."

For their part, Republican lawmakers have vowed to fight the policy every step of the way. House Minority Leader John Boehner (R-eprehensible), explained during his morning press briefing that, "I do not want my children, or any of your children, to grow up in an America that lacks a wildly impractical, cost-prohibitive shield against statistically improbable threats."

Added Boehner, "By the by, my penis is huge. Seriously, when I walk down the street, I clothesline children and midgets. I just regret that Obama’s reckless policies are forcing me to hire professional photographers to document this fact, so I can send proof to President Medvedev and Prime Minister Putin. I’m out-of-pocket on this!”

Criticism was also quick to bubble up in conservative pundit and talk radio circles, the two areas of American society that most need American foreign and military policy to act as an extension of their genitals.

On his daily radio show, right wing personality and lover of all woodland creatures, Glenn Beck exclaimed, "Barack Obama's missile defense plan is less expensive, will be in place almost a decade sooner, and unlike the previous system, has undergone a successful field test. That type of competence from the Military Industrial Complex is not only unwise, it is un-American. Obama has stolen our dongs!"

While some of the criticism has been over the top, even some traditional Obama supporters are wary of this new plan and how it will affect American missile defense of vulnerable countries, as well as America's position of Johnson-based superiority over the entire planet.

They point to an early 2001 Pentagon study entitled Thunder Dick: American Strategic Defense Analysis of Phallic Psychological Capabilities, which concluded that America’s penis had shrunk to its smallest size since the post-Cold War era spending cuts, with the country’s balls in sad shape as well. It was this report that initially spurred the Bush Administration into the largest expansion of America’s cock since World War II.

“I will not allow the world to think our dingus is merely 15 or 16 feet long,” explained Lewis. “I want them to fear it! To see it cresting over the horizon, crushing their bridges and menacing their skyscrapers! I want our dick to blot out the sun! Isn’t this the whole point of spending more on our military than the rest of the world combined?”

As for combating this attempt to plague America’s defense with cogent thought, Boehner and Lewis are unsure what steps to take next. Lewis had initially planned to have an alternative defense plan boondoggle ready for the new legislative year, but was reportedly undecided on whether it should involve Transformer-like robot ICBM launchers or genetically engineered rocket-intercepting pterodactyls in "Fuck Russia" sweaters.

For Boehner, he’s unsure his caucus has the energy to recklessly warmonger at a level sufficient to convince the world that our penis is bigger than ever.

“Lousy Obama and his rotten competent military planning,” muttered a dejected Boehner. “I shouldn’t have to prove shit to the Russians. I mean, look at my last name!”

Of course that Polish missile shield isn't for Russian missiles

Missile Defense Agreement Unrelated to Russia, Rice Says

Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice and her Polish counterpart agreed to place 10 missile defense interceptors in Poland to defend against threats from Iran and North Korea, not to weaken Russia, the secretary said.

“This is an agreement that, of course, will establish a missile defense site here in Poland, a missile defense site that will help us to deal with the new threat to the 21st century of long-range missile threats from countries like Iran or from North Korea,” Rice said yesterday at the Polish presidential palace in Warsaw.

Come now, I'm no policy expert (nor do I play one on TV....anymore) but isn't there a level at which your bullshit becomes so obvious and so utterly wrong that it's really just better if you didn't say anything at all? Iran and North Korea? Maybe if Iran strapped two rockets together and one turned on after the other ran out of fuel. North Korea probably couldn't hit five miles into South Korea with any accuracy. But Poland is in imminent danger from them and needs a missile shield.

If you want something more credible, why not blame German threats? Poland needs to protect itself from the Krauts, who always get belligerent at this point in a century. Luxembourg: in a desperate attempt to grab for more land. Sweden: the Vikings are back and it's pillaging time.

Or why don't you point out the blindingly obvious fact that its entirely about Russia. They know it, the Poles know it, we know it, that guy with the sandwich board on the street corner (Sasquatch is real!) knows it. It's to protect from Russian missiles. They're the only ones who could or would. Now bully for you, Condi, for convincing Poland that a missile defense shield will work. It won't, but you convinced them. Pip pip and cheerio. Boy, is that revelation going to be awkward in Krakow HQ when the Cossack nukes start flying. But can we at least have more creative lies about who would actually attack Poland? North Korea and Iran are so 2003.

Hundreds? Thousands?

What did I tell you? WHAT DID I TELL YOU?

from NYTimes The Lede blog:

As news spread across the world of Iran’s provocative missile tests, so did an image of four missiles heading skyward in unison. Unfortunately, it appeared to contain one too many missiles, a point that had not emerged before the photo appeared on the front pages of The Los Angeles Times, The Financial Times, The Chicago Tribune and several other newspapers as well as on BBC News, MSNBC, Yahoo! News, NYTimes.com and many other major news Web sites.

Glaring photoshop errors highlighted below.