He's on a boat

So you're BP. You've recently ridden a non-oil slicked wave of recent good news. You created a $20 billion fund to help take care of people affected by the spill, making you seem barely human instead of completely reptilian. You've finally moved into a position where ships are capturing almost all of the oil spilling out of the undersea well. And as a bonus you removed the deeply unlikable Tony Hayward to a lesser role.

So after this recent wave of decent PR, what do you do? Yacht party? I think I heard yacht party.

Spokeswoman Sheila Williams said Hayward took a break from overseeing BP efforts to stem the undersea gusher in Gulf of Mexico so he could watch his boat "Bob" participate in the J.P. Morgan Asset Management Round the Island Race. The 52-foot yacht is made by the Annapolis, Maryland-based boatbuilder Farr Yacht Design.

The annual one-day race is one of the world's largest, attracting more than 1,700 boats and 16,000 sailors as world-renown yachtsmen compete with wealthy amateurs in the 50-nautical mile course around the island.
...
"He's spending a few hours with his family at a weekend. I'm sure that everyone would understand that," Wine said Saturday. "He will be back to deal with the response. It doesn't detract from that at all."

Wine described the race as "one of the biggest sailing events in the world and he's well known to have a keen interest in it."

In his defense, this was his small yacht. The cheap one, the $700,000 one. Now I know Hayward's been pilloried up and down the Gulf Coast for this little boat race trip, but I'm not going to pile on. I mean what better way to research the oil spill than to spend some serious time bobbing and floating on the ocean, like all that oil BP spilled is. Now he understands what all the oil is up to and why. Can we really complain about that?

Plus with the strippers of the Mimosa Dancing Girls strip club suing him, the sea is the only place he can find a moment of relief. With that, the methane dead zones that may kill vast swaths of undersea life, and the fact that sea floor collapses at the leak site may prevent BP from ever capping the well, doesn't the man enjoy a little boat time? Plus *chuckling* the yacht is named "Bob"! Who names a yacht "Bob"? Oh Tony, you are humorous with your rich guy bullshit. Enjoy the boating, I think it's all you'll have left pretty soon.

Important science about the Bible

Noah's Ark has been found! Hold on. Some bits of old wood and rope on a mountain have been found! Isn't it obvious that it's related to a biblical story about a giant boat that held two of every animal on earth?

Noah's Ark has been found atop a mountain in Turkey, a team of Turkish and Chinese evangelical explorers said Monday, April 26.

The 15-person team claims to have recovered fragments of wood and pieces of rope from a structure on Mount Ararat in eastern Turkey that carbon dating has put at 4,800 years old, roughly coinciding with the time the biblical flood was said to have been occurred.
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Yeung Wing-Cheung, a member of the team, told AFP, "It's not 100 percent that it is Noah's Ark but we think it is 99.9 percent that this is it."

Obviously. You found some wood, but the real clincher was the rope. I mean doesn't that just cinch it? How could anyone deny it? Sure, the "ark" doesn't look big enough to hold two of every hamster, let alone two elephants... and every other species on earth, but I'm sure a little biblical interpretation allows for the divine gift of a shrink ray. Plus, if this ark was found way up on a mountain are we supposed to believe that two of every animal scaled 12,000 feet down a rocky precipice after it settled up there post-flood? Yes? Ok then.

I'm not sure about evangelicals using carbon dating to scan the wood though. Maybe Chinese and Turkish evangelicals are different than American evangelicals, but I'm fairly sure they would burst into flame when coming into contact with such a concentrated form of science as a carbon dating machine. Plus, evangelicals don't seem to like carbon dating when it says things like "the earth has been around for more than 10,000 years", so why would they use it on Noah's Ark? Or is 10,000 years right around the point where carbon dating gets wonky because it's... interfluxing... with the... God... barrier? Or does He tamper with all carbon dating machines to make them date beyond 10,000 years as part of His giant practical joke on humanity that involves Him burying dinosaur bones and making science seem so credible?

If only this article quoted an actual scientist...

Nicholas Purcell, a lecturer in Ancient History at Oxford University, called the claims "the usual nonsense," according to the Daily Mail.

"If floodwaters covered Eurasia 12,000 feet deep in 2,800 BC, how did the complex societies of Egypt and Mesopotamia, already many centuries old, keep right on regardless?" he said.

Oof, too scientific. Don't crush their hopes too hard there, Nick. Just say "It looks like that's pine wood, I'm fairly sure Noah would have made his ark out of teak" or something and tell them to "keep looking".

I'm on a boat

What with this country still in the throes of the horrific financial apocalypse, many of our local and state governments are in dire financial straights. In fact, that was one of the main goals of the stimulus: to paper over state budgetary holes and prevent them from drastically cutting services and jobs. But as time goes on and budgets must be passed and horrible financial reality must be observed, states are being forced to come up with new ways to deal with those budget shortfalls.

Like taxing the rich. Just kidding. The standard operating procedure of this country in times of economic hardship remains 'do not tax the rich in any way'. No, what I meant to type up above was 'continue to put the screws to the poor'. You know, like Missouri Missourah does.

Cash-strapped legislators have recommended spending cuts for Missouri schools and shelters for battered women, but so far the yachting class can enjoy another season of clear sailing.

Thanks to a longstanding tax exemption, Missouri’s marina set can opt to pay a small fee in lieu of sales taxes and shave as much as $30,000 off the purchase of a $500,000 boat.

That tax exemption alone is depriving state and local coffers of more than $6 million a year, according to some estimates.
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For now, however, yachts are treated like baby formula for the poor, tickets to the state fair and even newsprint —all are exempt from state and local sales taxes.

You'll be glad to know that if you buy a regular boat in Missourah you still have to pay full freight. It's only the luxury yachts that get the tax break. Because if during these harsh economic times our economic betters have to pay tax on the luxury boats that they purchase for their leisure time, well then by God, the terrorists, socialists, and all manner of evil creatures will have won.

So thank you to Missourah for showing us the way during these troubled times. Fuck the poor, cut schools, keep them women battered, and don't let anyone even think of making sure sales tax is payed on a luxury yacht. Your state serves as a lesson to us all.

It's a deal, it's a steal

You know it is our duty here at These Bastards to bring you news of any financial opportunities that cross our paths. So we would be remiss if we didn't tell you about the above ship, named the MacArthur, that Yachtworld is currently selling for the bargain basement price of $3.7 million. Don't take my word for it, look at the specs:

The "McArthur" is totally self-contained, makes her own water, and has satellite communications systems that provide for continuous broadband service and satellite telephone. The vessel has a two bed hospital and carries adequate stores of food and supplies to support her crew and 30 additional personnel for 45 days without re-supply. She has the ability to land and fuel small and medium size helicopters and store, launch and retrieve 3 small craft up to 15 tons and 36 ft. in length. She has temporary sheltering for over 100 survivors from disasters.

With those capabilities and at that price, I don't think it'll last long, so if you wan it you'd better move on it. Need any more incentive? Well, it was the boat Blackwater outfitted in order to take up the private-sector pirate-hunting business. But then those Somali guys stopped taking so many hostages, the 3rd Pirates of the Caribbean movie was a bloated mess, and Blackwater's name became toxic, so there just wasn't a market for them to exploit.

$3.7 million. I can guarantee it was never used to temporarily shelter 100 survivors in a humanitarian crisis. No wear and tear. Maybe you can start your own extra-legal navy or just hold monkey-knife fights in international waters. Do whatever you want. Think about it.

Oh and don't get all teary eyed for Blackwater. They may have had a setback on their plans to buckle swashes and sail several seas, but on the other hand, they did get a big thumbs up on indiscriminately murdering 17 Iraqi civilians in a gun "battle". So they do have that going for them. Frankly this yacht sale just saves them the negative publicity that would have stemmed from their inevitable sinking an Iraqi fishing boat with 17 people on it.

A request

I know we're fond of making requests here. Laugh at this, deride that, obey this, burn that, kill that. But Sean and I would like to once make a selfish request for us. By which I mean in addition to the near daily requests for power, prestige, and influence that you have failed to deliver to us. Anyway, we want one of these:


Probably two, hopefully a fleet. It's the $170,000 WaterCar Python. It is essentially a Corvette combined with a luxury speedboat. Autopia says it "offends all five sense on land and water" but they failed to count the offenses towards any sense of decency, dignity, or the kind of taste that allows you to discern what is aesthetically pleasing.

I'm not allowed to tell you what they're for, but it does involve an invasion of a sort. So please, if you're one of the many billionaires and rich Arab oil sheiks who I'm certain read this blog, buy us a couple dozen. We'll supply our own quasi-militaristic garb and loudspeakers blaring "Flight of the Valkyries."

Awwwwwwww

Madoff's yacht seized on French Riviera

French authorities on the Cote d'Azur have chained up his $7 million yacht "Bull" at a port in the exclusive Mediterranean enclave of Cap d'Antibes, between Cannes and Nice.

Bailiffs threw a heavy chain around the boat's propeller on Friday after a court granted the request by French investment firm Meeschaert, one of the many former investors in one of Madoff's funds that is now suing to get some of its clients' money back.

The Bull was seized "just in time," lawyer Philippe Rames of Gide Loyrette Nouel told the Associated Press. "It seems that the people who were taking care of the boat were getting ready to move it to more accommodating waters," said Rames, who is working for Meeschaert on the case.

A warning posted by the bailiffs on the boat reads: "Important: Do not turn on the motors, considering that the propellers are chained."

It's a shame. Of the things this global financial meltdown produces that I most wanted to see, a crew of Madoff flunkies roaming the high seas evading creditors, evading any fiscal payments or asset forfeiture to Madoff's debtors had to be near the top of the list. They'd wear little Madoff themed naval uniforms, run a flag (Madoff's head on a $100 bill) up the mizzenmast, and raid the fishing boats and party cruisers of the middle class. Maybe Mrs. Madoff declaring their penthouse a sovereign pirate nation would be as good, but what are the odds of that happening? It's too bad the damned French police had to get in the way of my dreams.

Because I've been obsessing about this all week

The Lonely Island w/T-Pain "I'm On A Boat"

They're on a boat motherfuckers, don't you ever forget.