Hey wonderful

Finally some good news. Senate Democrats have come out and stated, definitively, that there will be a public option in any final bill that comes out of Congress. Alright boys, way to show some conviction!

Senate Democratic leaders signaled Thursday that their version of health care overhaul will include some form of a public option,

Wonderful to hear. This is apropos of nothing, but I wonder why Politico used a comma to end that sentence up there. That was weird. Hmmm.

, but it may be limited in scope so they can secure 60 votes to break a Republican filibuster.

Ahhh! You rotten sons of bitches. You're doing it again. You're failing again. You see...wait, what? You have something to say Harry Reid?

"We are going to have a public option before this bill goes to the president's desk," Reid said in a conference call with constituents, referring to some kind of government plan.

"I believe the public option is so vitally important to create a level playing field and prevent the insurance companies from taking advantage of us," he said.

Oh good, because earlier it seemed like you were loading up statements like that with tons of caveats and...

Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-Nev.) called the public option a "relative term," and Sen. Chuck Schumer (D-N.Y.) said, "There is not one way to Rome; there are lots of ways to Rome."

"Remember, a public option is a relative term," Reid said. "There's a public option, there's a public option, and there's a public option. And we're going to look at each of them."

Oh Jesus Christ, stop talking! Nothing you say is good, nothing you do is good. I choose to understand these statements the way I would understand statements from a suave Gruber-esque German terrorist who tells me that he will let me and my family go......if I just give him the codes to the mainframe. I know what's he's saying should sound good, but I just can't shake the feeling that the second I listen, we'll all be murdered violently.

So when Reid says "relative term" and starts trying to parse out degrees of public options, that just means something terrible is on the horizon. In fact, that might mean health care isn't even going to happen at all. The only way to rectify this is to throw Harry Reid off the top of Nakatomi Tower before he kills us all. You know I'm right.