PITTSBURGH—After a 38-28 Steelers victory against the Chargers Sunday night, notable for the 21 points the Steelers defense yielded in the 4th quarter after having posted despicable game-ending performances the previous two weeks, team officials announced their decision to suspend the practice of letting local high schools teams take the field in place of last year’s #1 ranked defense.
“It is what it is,” said Head Coach Mike Tomlin during the Monday morning press conference. “We thought it a natural extension of our tradition of letting high school teams play their divisional championships at Heinz Field. But it seems these kids can’t handle the pressure and we’re starting to lose games while letting others get closer than they should. Our defense will have to resume playing the entire game. We accept that. We welcome the challenge. We don’t shy away from it.”
Unknown at press time was whether the other Steelers tradition, consisting of visiting local soup kitchens an hour before kickoff to pick out an assortment of drifters, hobos, and tramps to install as an offensive line, will also be curtailed. But those within the organization note that this policy is likely to continue, especially given the coaching staff's surprise at the performance of the malignant social tumors who comprised this week's line.
Singled out for praise were the deranged sex criminal cast to play the part of “Left Guard Chris Kemoeatu” and the bus depot-dwelling former loan officer who took on the personage of “Right Tackle Willie Colon”, a Latin American salsa trombonist whose identity the Steelers purchased four years ago for an undisclosed sum.
Added Tomlin, a hint of regret in his voice, “I just feel sorry for the kids from Pine-Richland. They were supposed to get the 4th quarter of the Detroit game.”
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