Your morning message board hilarity

In all this debate over the health reform bills America has forgot to listen to one important voice in this debate: fiddle wizard Charlie Daniels and his fans who post on his message board. Sure we hear all sorts of nonsense from "experts", "analysts", "Congressional Budget Offices", and "elected representatives", but what about the considered opinion of a man who wrote It Ain't No Rag It's A Flag and his fans?

Black Monday 03/22/10

To paraphrase a statement by Franklin Roosevelt, Monday March 22, 2010 will be a day that will live in infamy, the day the Democratic controlled congress sold out the American people, voting in a health care bill that a majority of the American people have said over and over they didn't want.

We no longer have a representative government; we essentially have a dictatorship that is willing to force their will on us regardless of what we want. This is the most despicable act ever perpetrated on the American public by the most dishonorable congress we've ever had.

Oh, it gets better. This is a man who was in a Geico commercial. He plays a fiddle! Do you doubt his expertise? I know what you're saying "Charlie Daniels and his fans musing on health care and going mental over the state of the country? Sign me up." I know, but it's a like a million times better than that.

Much in that same vein, we all know that sometimes science is a cruel mistress that shuts out important data from respected individuals. People like the Revered Jim Osbourne of the Landover Baptist Church. I'm not sure of the exact degrees the Reverend holds in Advance Celestial Mathematics, Physics, and Complex Sciencing and Sciencstry, but the man is dropping bombshells left and right on his message board about the state of the universe. Fact bombshells!

Are Stars Actually Giant Diamonds? Science and Math Confirms It

Since stars are clearly stated to be designed for human purpose, it makes no sense that they would be millions of light-years away like scientists claim. If God made stars so we can keep track of time, why seperate them from earth by vast distances? Furthermore, if they were millions of light-years away, that would mean they would have to be very, very big -- even bigger than our own sun. No, that doesn't make sense at all.

Stars are simply lights. But they are not the same as the sun, as scientists say because stars are not yellowish-orange. They are white, silvery, and twinkly. I hypothesize that they are actually celestial diamonds that are reflecting moonlight. That would account for their white-silvery light. They can't be lumps of coal like the sun, otherwise they would be yellow. I think we can agree that diamonds would be the most likely choice.

Does anyone need any more proof? Well if you do I think you'll be glad to know that he also reveals, with the help of his faithful parishioners, that some how because of the magic light properties of diamonds that make light travel through diamonds at about 1/3 the speed of light, that also proves that the universe in 6,000 years old. As one of the posters is keen to point out, this is just "drawing conclusions from sound observations and no wild speculation." Agreed. I mean who knew that God was actually Lucy in the sky with diamonds?

As the Reverend Jim later says, "This is hard science, real science, not the crazy beliefs and blind faith of atheist scientists." Yes, there are giant diamonds floating in space that prove the universe is as old as adding up all the ages in the Bible. Someone get on the blower and call up the Texas State Board of Education. There's still time to get this information into the textbooks!

Quote of the Day

Former Bush press secretary Dana Perino, who actually might have been the most vapid of all the Bush press secretaries (but not the sexiest *winks* *whistles* I'm talkin' 'bout you McClellan. Strut that sexy ass), engaging in a titanic battle of wits about those nasty liberals and how they don't use the phrase "war on terror" on Sean Hannity's comedy program.

PERINO: They want to do all of their investigations. I don’t know. All of the thinking that goes into it. But we did not have a terrorist attack on our country during President Bush’s term. I hope they’re not looking at this politically. I do think we owe it to the American people to call it what it is.

Damn straight! I mean, other than those anthrax attacks and that tiny little incident in New York, Washington, and Shanksville, she's exactly right. But honestly, can't we just blame those on Bill Clinton and the concept of liberalism? I think we can. By the way, nice job of correcting her, Hannity.

You know, I really hope that this was the beginning of some new right wing meme. Who was President when 9/11 occurred, like global warming, evolution, or most of scientific and economic theory, is just an opinion held by some some liberal historians. There is actual debate among the larger historical community as to who was in charge when 9/11 happened. Dana and Sean are just trying to teach the controversy.

Otherwise this would just be a sad example of two nitwits getting so intellectually overexerted while declaring that liberals are mortally afraid of using the term "war on terror", that they just made an egregious factual gaffe. C'mon, that's so Bush-era. We're in the Age of Obama: everything is a socialist conspiracy and nothing is the truth. Take a page from Mr. Beck and start flogging this "no terrorist attacks happened under Bush" meme to it's fullest extent. For America's sake.

On the plus side: at least she was able to find a decent job after she left the Bush Administration.

Quote of the day

Today it's a lovely little ditty from the Values Voter Summit, in which the Young America Foundation's Jason Mattera decides to take it upon himself to trenchantly sum up the sheer intellectual weight associated with the last decade or so of Republican party policy and politics:

If conservatives (David) smite liberals (Goliath), they will be rewarded with the hot conservative women, just like King Saul promised his daughter to the warrior who slew the evil giant. “You know his daughter must have been beautiful because there’s no guy whose gonna die for an ugly girl,” Mattera chortled. “Our women are hot. We have Michelle Malkin. Who does the left have, Rachel Maddow? Sorry, I prefer that my women not look like dudes.”

Well, I'd check that Adam's apple on Ann Coutler before I get too excited there Skippy. Still, I must say I do applaud Mr. Mattera. I've been trying for years to combine tit ogling, the Bible, and the implication that the yelling lady on the TV is thiiiiiiiis close to banging me and all my like minded friends for our services to the movement into a serious argument for my beliefs. Just haven't been able to cobble it together.

Enlightened debate

If you were thinking of heading to one of the town halls our elected betters will be having on health care over the next few weeks...don't. Or should I say don't....if you were hoping for some form of informed debate, a chance to ask a real question, or a chance to hear a real answer. If you want to see an epic, crazy clusterfuck of deranged people yelling at Representatives on behalf of multi-billion dollar corporations, then go. Because if the memo from teabagging vets Americans for Prosperity and FreedomWorks is any indication, it's going to be a circus. And not the fun elephant beating kind either.

– Artificially Inflate Your Numbers: “Spread out in the hall and try to be in the front half. The objective is to put the Rep on the defensive with your questions and follow-up. The Rep should be made to feel that a majority, and if not, a significant portion of at least the audience, opposes the socialist agenda of Washington.”

– Be Disruptive Early And Often: “You need to rock-the-boat early in the Rep’s presentation, Watch for an opportunity to yell out and challenge the Rep’s statements early.”

– Try To “Rattle Him,” Not Have An Intelligent Debate: “The goal is to rattle him, get him off his prepared script and agenda. If he says something outrageous, stand up and shout out and sit right back down. Look for these opportunities before he even takes questions.”

Here's tip #4: "Cup your hand and defecate into it. Swing your arm in an arcing motion releasing the stool sample. Finish with pithy rejoinder about socialism and a pledge of fealty to a corporation of your choice."

I'm just so glad that when we're presented with a chance for intelligent debate on a subject of importance, we always rise to the occasion....with instructions for disrupting that debate and proper hooting techniques.

Things that should scare you today

The IMF's World Economic Outlook
They may use the phrase "Stabilization is uneven and recovery will likely be sluggish" and use lots of depressing charts, but after you cut through all their scholarly talk you come down to the simple fact that they agree with the TB endorsed policy of hoarding food, stealing hydro and petrol, making weapons, and decorating your house with the bones of the defeated in order to ward off evil spirits and bad omens. It's all there in the footnotes.

That this letter represents the writing and intellectual ability of an elected representative of this country
Granted it's John Ensign and Nevada more or less deserves it for the quality of people they elect, but both the handwriting and prose suggest that of a 12 year old boy, instead of an adult senator. It comes across as a kid who got caught doing something bad in Sunday School and has to write an apology letter to God. All that's really missing is a bad finger-painting of a bearded man frowning at a guy in a suit. With arrows pointing out which one is God and which one is Ensign.

That all the TV news can seem to cover now is Michael Jackson and Sarah Palin.
I mean sure Iran is erupting again, the China situation is apparently so important and serious that it caused Hu Jintao to ditch the G-8 Summit and start threatening the death penalty, and there's a myriad of domestic issues that are being debated seriously, but who needs to cover that shit when you can spend 12 hours each on "Is Palin really a super-secret genius who has already won the 2012 Presidency?" and "Was it exploitative to have Michael Jackson' daughter speak at his memorial?" Let me handle those two for you: No, Palin is a crooked idiot and no, but you're trying to exploit Jackson's daughter now for ratings. We shouldn't have to tell them that other news is going on, they're the news, they should already know that.

Battle of intellectual equals

Seems Rush Limbaugh really pissed of some people by comparing Sonia Sotomayor to David Duke. Like, for instance, David Duke. He really didn't appreciate the comparison. Why? Because unlike Mr. Dr. Duke, Sotomayor is a total racist.

“Limbaugh, a recent addict to illegal drugs, has no business making personal attacks against me for my past,” Duke said. “I have consistently supported true equal rights, stating again and again that I support the best-qualified person regardless of race in hiring and promotions.”

Ouch, cheap shotted by a KKK Grand Wizard. Nice sentiment though, Dave. Strike that, it would have been nice had you not then immediately parroted Tom Tancredo's lies about Sotomayor and La Raza before claiming that affirmative action is racist. Or that whole part where you claimed Sotomayor was part of a Jewish conspiracy to "control any person who is influential or who may at some point in the future become influential.”

Yeah, kind off flew off the rails there at the end.

Quote of the day

MSNBC host Norah O'Donnell interrupting MSNBC analyst Phil Musser while he was relating an anecdote on visiting Guantanamo.

MUSSER: The bottom line is he's a guy that I watched up close in action and I have great respect for his judgment and wisdom in this regard. And having seen the face of terror, you know I've walked through Camp X-Ray in Guantanamo Bay when I was serving in the government, and it changes your nature of the threat to look at the people an the other sides of those fences. And the bottom line is

--NORAH O'DONNELL: So just by looking at them, Phil, you can tell they were guilty?

MUSSER: You know, I could tell, I could tell that basically that they --

NORAH O'DONNELL: And that they deserved waterboarding?

MUSSER: Norah, I'm not making any particular allegations against individual people, but what I'm saying is that the nature of this threat is very, very different and the record of the Bush/Cheney administration post-9/11 is to keep people safe. And I think most Republicans - you ask people in Newton, Iowa, they're probably happy our country is doing everything possible to keep our country safe.

And there we see the sort of intelligence level of the torture debate. On one side people arguing law, morality, and humanity.......on the other side people arguing wishes, fear, feelings, and looking at people and knowing they're guilty.

Though in fairness to Musser he did mention he was no expert and that his eyeballing was in no way scientific, he'd have to measure head bumps to see if they had the craniums of terrorists/cattle rustlers/stagecoach tippers, but he did feel all those men were reaaaaaaaaaly guilty. Rest easy Newton, Iowa, the terrorists haven't attacked you because of our constant torture schedule. And because you're fucking Newton, Iowa.

Human Events is confused again

Normally we mock Human Events for simultaneously pimping Bernard Goldberg, Ann Coulter, Michelle Malkin, and Chuck Norris while billing itself the "Headquarters of the Conservative Underground." Today, however, we've been given better ammo. It appears that Human Events wants you to put your balls on Washington's cheek while it's asleep.

Just like our Founding Fathers, we're tired of the way our government is behaving. And lawmakers are refusing to listen. It's time to exercise our first amendment right and make a statement. The Patriot Depot is helping our friends at Reagan.org raise funds to take 1,000,000 tea bags to the nation's capital.

As profound a political statement as this so clearly is, my sources tell me that the party will really get started later this spring when H.E. rolls out its "Hentai to the House", "Rahm Donkey Punch" and "Cleveland Steamer for Congress" initiatives. Stay tuned.

Quote of the day: Huckabee on "...and one in the stink"

On his Fox News talk show, HUCK!, Mike Huckabee hosted intellectual debutante Ann Coulter, out trying to flog some new book about the liberal conspiracy to rape your kids and how all black people and single mothers are conspiring to commit crimes and squirt out criminal stripper children. During the 'discussion' Coulter attacked the Huckster on what she perceived as his staggering lack of all consuming gay hate. Huck stopped and took time to reminded her that he ain't no fag.

HUCKABEE: I am not, as you characterized me in one article, pro-gay, pro-sodomy. That is so not me.

COULTER: Yes, there was a Supreme Court decision. You said you agreed or disagreed with. Yes, I got you on that Mike Huckabee.

HUCKABEE: Nope. You didn’t. I am definitely not pro-sodomy. I promise, scout’s honor.

So ladies, a word of warning. If you're letting Mike Huckabee lay pipe in your lady business, don't you dare try to slip a finger in his nether regions. He doesn't care for it or all gay people. Now you know how to avoid that embarrassing faux pas. You're welcome.