Money, money, money, money... mon-ey

In all this talk about the massive oil spill in the Gulf, too often the focus has been on things like the marine life, the coastal ecosystem, and the citizens of the Gulf Coast. Sure, a rare tern, whale or citizen of New Orleans covered in oil is a very sad thing, but will no one think of the poor oil company? What about BP? Think of their bottom line. This whole crisis must be putting a severe strain on their finances, right?

Not so much.

For now, at least, BP’s prodigious costs combating the oil spill in the Gulf are outweighed by prodigious profits.

On Monday, BP said it spent $350 million in the first 20 days of the spill response, about $17.5 million a day. It has paid 295 of the 4,700 claims received, for a total of $3.5 million. By contrast, in the first quarter of the year, the London-based oil giant’s profits averaged $93 million a day.

Oh thank God. I was worried there that this was going to cause additional blowback in the ivory backscratcher and yachting wear markets. Turns out the daily clean-up, payouts, buyoffs, and sadly comical failed attempts to actually stop gushing oil from flowing into the sea barely make a dent in their profits.

But I am worried about what will happen when they finally get the leak capped, sometime in 2011. I mean that's when the big cleanup costs will come due and BP might have to make due with only making a couple billion or so in profit for a quarter. They won't be able to write that shit off!

Just kidding, if someone other than the American taxpayer has to foot the bill, I'll die of shock. And even if they end up having to pay, say, $5 billion... like Exxon was ordered to after the Valdez tanker crash, they can just tie it up in court for decades before finally getting to the Supreme Court, where conservative justices 5-4 you down to a measly $507.5 million, like, say, happened to Exxon after the Valdez tanker crash. So don't worry about BP, it'll all work out for them in the end. It always does. $93 million a day.

Understatement of the day

Well, the effort to throw up a cap onto the underground oil leak has failed... is failing.... hasn't failed but will... let's just say it isn't going well. Why? Well there was an apparent buildup of of methane hydrates, a crystallized form of methane which has already been blamed for possibly causing the initial... you know what? I don't understand any of this. Magic. Magic is what caused the spill. Magic is what is preventing a fix. Magic. Also, possibly some sort of undersea rebellion/terrorism/Sea War by marine wildlife -perhaps led by Sebastien the sea crab- which I think you'll agree, also qualifies as magic.

Anyway, when confronted with this fact, a spokesman dropped this little bon mot about the capping efforts and laced it with all the optimism he possibly could.

When asked whether the dome effort had "failed," the BP official said, "I wouldn’t say it has failed, yet... but it hasn't worked."

Ooh, you can just feel the sunshine and smiles wafting off that statement. Gotta love that "yet".

So buck up, America. Sure, the one idea they had to cap the massive oil gush didn't work and the main PR guy for BP, sent out to make everyone feel better and cover BP's asses, basically dressed in an undertaker's outfit and started playing a funeral march for the Gulf/efforts to get us to a point where we'd just have to worry about cleaning up the biggest environmental disaster in human history. On the other hand... I'm sure something will be along shortly to distract our news media from having to focus on that.

Oh look, the new Supreme Court pick...

Stay classy, BP

With oil quickly replacing water as the main liquid in the Gulf of Mexico, of course you expect failed rig proprietors BP to take extensive steps... to mitigate the damage to their asses from a legal and financial standpoint. Actually stopping that leak? That's in God's hands now. After all, this whole mess was an Act of God. If He wanted the dinosaur blood to stop seeping from the earth, He would have stopped it. Not to mention the fact that if He didn't want it to happen, He wouldn't have exploded the rig or lobbied against stiffer safety regulations. God... what a scamp He is.

No, the time is right for BP to make sure that all the people about to see any body of water or shoreline consumed by murky blackness have already ceded their legal rights to hold BP responsible for the actions for which they are completely responsible.

BP has been offering $5000 payments to residents of coastal Alabama areas, in exchange for essentially giving up their right to sue the oil giant over its deadly Gulf Coast spill, according to the state's attorney general.

AG Troy King last night urged BP to stop the effort, and told Alabamians to be wary. "People need to proceed with caution and understand the ramifications before signing something like that," King said, according to the Alabama press.

A spokesman for BP told a reporter that the waiver clause had now been removed from the contracts, and that the company won't enforce it in contracts that were previously signed.

Sure. You know whenever a large multinational corporation from a powerful industrial concern gets people to sign carefully constructed legal documents in an attempt to protect their corporate asses from any molecule of justice, they always freely say they won't ever try to get people to abide by them in a court and volunteer to make the legally binding agreements weaker. That's standard practice. Especially when your CEO is out there trying to claim that

"It wasn't our accident," he told the Today Show on Monday. Pressed by anchor Meredith Vieira, Hayward claimed: "the drilling rig was a Transocean drilling rig. It was their rig and their equipment that failed, run by their people, their processes."

Yeah, I'm sure BP will live up to their legal and financial obligations. Especially when they openly balk at paying for everything they've done... in front of sitting US Senators.

So thanks to BP for keeping their priorities in line here. Cover your asses first, attempt to weasel out of responsibility and culpability second, worry about stopping that massive oil slick your shoddy practices caused... who knows when, the future is such a far off place.

Broken in Brief: Hundreds of Delicious Sea Turtles Wash up on Gulf Coast Shores

One of the suffering, poor, mouth-watering creatures

GALVESTON—As the Gulf Coast reels from one of the largest oil spills in US history, the ecological toll on this fragile region is beginning to show. In the last few days numerous dying, oil-slicked animals, most notably fish and sea turtles, have been washing up along the coast. But true to the caring spirit of local citizens, groups have been organized to help handle these beleaguered creatures.

“My God, the desolation of these poor sea turtles. These poor, delicious, delicious sea turtles,” said Harold Watkins, President of the local Galveston Gourmands Club and leader of the local rescue efforts.

“My heart goes out to the struggling animals,” he said, belching. “Pardon my manners, I’m not used to talking to the press. Those, poor… tender… succulent… Excuse me, I’ll be with you in a moment, the shallots were just delivered.”

As to what measures the group was taking to clean and help the animals, several participants noted that they were running them under the tap for a quick rinse, followed by a cleansing dip in a white wine and herb marinade, followed by a slow braising for two-to-three hours.

When pressed to explain how these unconventional methods might benefit the surviving turtles, a spokesperson for the group dabbed at her eyes and the corners of her mouth with a napkin before explaining that they had yet to find a surviving turtle.

With that sad reminder of the toll this spill is causing, Watkins vowed that his club would stay until every last turtle had been properly and humanely disposed of, or until they were full.

“Tragic though this might be, we will be there every time rare and endangered animals are menaced by environmental catastrophes that conveniently distract Fish and Wildlife oversight,” Watkins declared as he let his belt out a notch and patted his stomach. “I can only hope that one day our vital rescue services are required on a panda reserve.”

Broken News: Massive Cleanup Underway at Wind Farm

The horror, the horror...

TAYLOR COUNTY, TX--Recovery crews raced to the scene of potentially the largest environmental disaster in United States history, as an accident at America's largest wind farm has begun spewing thousands of cubic meters of air into the air.

The incident occurred at approximately 4:00 am local time yesterday at the Horse Hollow Wind Energy Center in central Texas. With 421 wind turbines and an estimated capacity of 735 megawatts, Horse Hollow is by far the largest such installation in the United States.

State officials were quick to call for federal aid. Texas governor Rick Perry convened an emergency press conference and described the wind farm spill as, "the most troubling man-made disaster to beset the Lone Star State since we got rid of all the Mexicans."

President Obama immediately dispatched teams from the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration and the EPA to the site of the accident. While NOAA scientists have only just begun their analysis, initial testing suggests the foul gaseous mixture spilling into the atmosphere consists of approximately 78% Nitrogen and 20% Oxygen, with trace amounts of Argon, Carbon Dioxide, Neon, Helium, and Hydrogen.

"While we do not yet know the totality of the threat posed by this unfortunate accident, we are taking every step to ensure speedy identification of the substance so that proper countermeasures can be initiated," said NOAA spokesperson Elizabeth McDonald.

Early estimates have tracking an enormous amount of air spilling into roughly 60% of the Lone Star State, with dramatic gale-force squalls rolling into Oklahoma's notoriously un-wind-swept plains. Some analysts have predicted that soon the air leaking out from this environmental calamity will cover most of the Midwest. However, states as far north as Maine are already reporting trace gusts of air in the air.

Pundits were quick to pounce on the incident as proof of the dangers of alternative energy.

"This is just the latest failure of this administration's radical liberal environmentalist agenda. How much longer are we, as Americans, going to permit these immense radical international renewable energy conglomerates to defile our great country? This, my friends, is Obama's Katrina," said prominent conservative figure and noted animal lover, Glenn Beck, on his nationally syndicated radio show.

"Not that the previous administration did anything wrong during Katrina," Beck added. "Those people should have known better than to rely on the federal government."

Damage to flora and fauna has been minimal thus far, resulting in only a few toppled trees and uprooted shrubs, airborne prairie dogs, and several species of bird which had their feathers comically poofed out by the prevailing winds. Early reports of a nun careening through the skies remain unverified.

For its part, NextEra Energy Resources, which operates the Horse Hollow installation, has promised to pay the clean-up costs associated with this massive operation.

Rupert Evanston, the CEO of NextEra, announced at a hastily assembled press conference that his company will be heavily involved in the cleanup effort.

"It is indeed our responsibility to deal with this, and we are dealing with it," said Evans, yelling over the howling gusts. "We will absolutely be paying for the cleanup operation. There is no doubt about that. It's our responsibility -- we accept it fully."

Already NextEra has begun passing out large mason jars and balloons to collect all the extra air being spewed into the atmosphere, as well as free windbreakers to those victims nearest to the spill.

President Obama is expected to travel to Texas later this week to observe the damage personally. Additionally, he has ordered thorough inspections of all domestic hydropower and solar plants in order to prevent a similar incident that might release water into the mixture of oil and water we now call water, or light into the light.

Picture of the day

From the Houston Chronicle comes a look at the oil rig that started the whole mess and just how hard it'll be to plug up the leak.





From NASA come a satellite image of part of the slick. To get a sense of the scale, note that the two little bumps at the bottom left corner of the image are giant ass ships attempting to deal with the disaster. We posted an earlier satellite photo from NASA on the 26th. Click to really, really embiggen.

Map of the day

Good news everyone! You know that giant oil slick that's menacing the gulf coast? It's five times bigger than had been initially estimated! In a handy little infographic, the New York Times shows the size of the oil slick and just what exactly it is menacing.

As you can see the area in which they're going to hold the deep sea fish fry in is laughably small compared to the entirety of the problem. It is the textbook definition of pissing in the wind.

However it is nice to see Louisiana and New Orleans being sufficiently threatened again. If you think about it, the Louisiana coast has been dodging natural disasters for years, emerging completely unscathed. It's only right that a man-made threat balances things out a bit.

click to embiggen

In a larger version of the graphic the NYT also is kind enough to show us which animals will no longer exist by Wednesday of next week. Shame about the prospects for the Brown pelican. I know it just came off the endangered species list and just started breeding in the area, but someone has to pay for the US making an insignificant dent in our foreign oil dependence. Plus, everyone hates pelicans, right? Same with the reddish egret and spotted duck. If mother nature wanted them to survive, she would have had them evolve a natural immunity to man made oil rig leaks. I'm sad to hear that the Gulf is the only spawning grounds for the bluefin tuna. Ah well, gives all those tuna cans with the phrase 'packed in oil' a hilarious new meaning.

So take heed, America. You may have just eaten your last bluefin tuna, spotted egret, and oyster from the Louisiana area for the foreseeable future. On the other hand, BP is at least profiting off the fact that global oil prices are rising because of increased global oil scarcity resulting from things like this leak/gushing tide of black marine death. Maybe they can put those billions into maybe cleaning up the spill a little fucking faster or buying some new lobbyists to even further oppose environmental and offshore drilling safety standards. Either/or.

I just hope that experts take the lessons they've learned and apply them to the newly OK'd offshore Cape Cod wind farm. This country doesn't want and can't afford any dangerous wind spills.

Drill, baby, drill --> Burn, baby, burn

Don't worry citizens. You know the giant oil slick that's menacing the Gulf and threatening coastlines and marine life? There's a solution. They're just going it light it on fire and burn away the oil. Seriously.

The US coastguard is to set fire to oil leaking into the Gulf of Mexico to prevent the slick from reaching shore after last week's explosion on the Deepwater Horizon drilling rig.

Robot submarines have so far failed to shut off the flow more than 1,500 metres below where the Deepwater Horizon was wrecked. Eleven workers are missing, presumed dead, and the cause of the explosion 50 miles off Louisiana has not been determined.

A coastguard spokesman said the burn would begin today. Prentice Danner said fire-resistant booms would be used to corral some of the thickest oil on the surface, which would then be ignited. It was unclear how large an area would be set on fire or how far from shore the fire would be set.

Think of it as less "world's largest ecological disaster" and more "world's largest fish fry". I just think of the tremendous boon this will be to the newspaper industry. They gotta wrap those fish in something. A little investment advice: tartar sauce future are about to go through the roof.

This tactic was employed in Newfoundland in 1993 and ended up burning off half of the oil that had been spilled in an event that in no way make anyone anywhere concerned about the environmental hazards of offshore drilling. Let it be said that there is no ecological problem that cannot be solved by fire.

Picture of the day

The giant oil slick that covers 1,800 miles of the Gulf of Mexico and is menacing the Mississippi River Delta. It resulted from an explosion 5000 feet underwater on a offshore oil rig and nearly 42,000 gallons a day are being pumped into the ocean. It'll take months to close.

For those of you who are saying "Looks awesome, when will the coastline nearest to me be open to such a massive ecological disaster?" Soon, my friends, soon. Remember?

Drilling, baby, drilling

You know what's missing from America's beaches when we walk up to the shore line and look out into the vast expanse of blue? A big, fuck off drilling rig. You know it, I know it, everyone knows it. The Obama Administration knows it. Which is why they just kicked off a new announcement to make sure that an almost nonexistent change in our dependence in foreign oil and the sight of a massive oil rig needs to come to US coastlines.

The Obama administration is proposing to open vast expanses of water along the Atlantic coastline, the eastern Gulf of Mexico and the north coast of Alaska to oil and natural gas drilling, much of it for the first time, officials said Tuesday.

The proposal — a compromise that will please oil companies and domestic drilling advocates but anger some residents of affected states and many environmental organizations — would end a longstanding moratorium on oil exploration along the East Coast from the northern tip of Delaware to the central coast of Florida, covering 167 million acres of ocean.

Know I know what you're saying, "What about the pandas or some shit". I'm guessing you're referring to environmental concerns. you shouldn't have any. Why? Because it's better if you don't think about it.

But you may be asking yourself "Why Barry? Why have to forsaken the causes of progressives for no discernible reason?" To which I say... haven't you been paying attention? This is kind of the standard operating procedure of this White House. But, I wouldn't go so far as to say that this is being done for "no discernible reason". Sure, most liberals wouldn't like the idea of increased drilling, but it is a popular idea and concessions like this and on nuclear will have to be made to get things like comprehensive environmental legislation and cap and trade done. What's that, Interior Secretary Ken Salazar?

"I think the term 'cap and trade' is not in the lexicon anymore," Salazar said, adding that supporters -- including senators working on legislation -- will focus more on ideas such as slowing pollution, creating jobs and becoming energy independent. "It's in that context" the Senate will move forward, he said.

Ah, so in effect cap and trade is dead. And in return for opening up the coasts to drilling the concessions you're getting from environmental proponents are.... what? Right, I forgot, nothing. So I can see why this is such a great idea. I mean at least it'll help drive down prices by increasing flows of oil to our overtaxed supply lines that are buckling under the weight of increased demand.

What's that, MSNBC? Wall Street is driving up oil prices: Demand is down, supplies are up — but crude still rises.

Well.... at least we get those oil rigs on the horizon.... and maybe an environmental disaster or two. Everyone likes scrubbing pelicans clean, right? Bang up job, Barry. Concede early, get nothing in return. I'm sure this will all help us get a climate bill that would have been to ineffective in dealing with the environmental problems of a decade ago, let alone today.

Under (tire) Pressure

The bad idea factory otherwise known as the John McCain campaign is pimping its newest piece of clever, an Obama Tire Pressure Gauge. This handy item was issued in response to Obama's outlandish and wildly controversial aside that maintaining good tire pressure increases fuel economy.

The GOP plan is to distribute these tire gauges to newsrooms and at rallies around the country as Obama unveils his energy policy over the next week. According to McCain Campaign Manager Rick Davis, who really ought to take me off his email list, "Senator Obama's solution to high gas prices is telling Americans to make sure their tires are inflated."

Yes, it has come to this. While Atrios already asked, how is this funny, I think the answer is rather clear: In the absence of momentum, coordination, substantive policy, or a candidate who can remember what he ate for breakfast, the McCain campaign has reverted to extracting a minor comment out of context and acting as though it is the primary focus of the speech. Old political tactic, sure, but pretty lame. More over, the campaign, already financially outpaced by its Democratic rival, shelled out a bunch of cash for fucking custom tire pressure gauges.

Does this make anyone else think of that episode of Arrested Development where Michael buys all of those whistles in an attempt to encourage transparency at the Bluth Company?

But fear not, Republicans. It seems Obama is tacking right on offshore drilling as well. Next time have a little more patience before placing the order.