Explaining our stupid elections

In recent months we've seen the debut of new election campaign strategies. Nevada Republican Senate candidate Sharron Angle is taking a page out of Sarah Palin's book by not appearing on any network or allowing any media access to a journalist that will ask a hard question or not allow her to nakedly fund-raise on air. Ran Paul learned the lesson of allowing media access when the discovered that when he stated his positions near any type of recording device, they tended to make people angry. He has since remedied that situation with a media blackout.

Soon our elections will be conducted with voters only allowed to know the name and party of a candidate, with only a headshot providing the remaining information we're allowed to know. We'll make our decision on whether or not the name is cool and whether we think the person is properly dressed and has a good enough haircut in the photo. Like the founding fathers intended.

Much in this same line is Rep. Peter King (R-NY), who yesterday took to the airwaves and responding forcefully to the suggestion that Republicans should be forced to articulate some actual policy ideas instead of "Democrats want it? No."

KING: So, It’s a combination of being against what Obama is for, and also giving certain specifics of what we are for. Having said that, I don’t think we have to lay out a complete agenda, from top to bottom, because then we would have the national mainstream media jumping on every point trying to make that a campaign issue.

That's right, the GOP can't release a policy platform or series of proposals for what they'd do if they win the upcoming election, otherwise the jerkoff media might go and make the proposed governing of this country a campaign issue. You know instead of what the GOP thinks an election is supposed to be about: bland statements about how things are going to be different, hoping no one remembers the fact that their policies, governing, and obstruction put the country in the deep hole that we're struggling to get out of now, finding an ethnic, socio-economic, or political group and blaming them for all the ills of the world, REPEAL EVERYTHING~!, and never articulating a thought that could be criticized once people understood what it would do to the country.

Great. Ah well, it's not like the coverage of those imaginary issues was going to be intelligent or enlightening anyway. Onward to voting on names, looks, and party affiliation. Whoo! America!

Broken in Brief: Apple products "just work" says idiot with duct tape all over his phone

SAN FRANCISCO—Despite a recent run of bad publicity surrounding the iPhone 4G launch, local Apple enthusiast and Mac Store Genius Gerard Adams has steadfastly supported the company, claiming he buys and invests his personal sense of self-worth in the tech giant because their products, despite ample evidence to the contrary, “just work."

“Look, I’ve heard about these tepid reviews for the iPhone 4G pointing out design flaws and basic service inefficiencies and I just don’t think a man like Steve Jobs could ever make the kind of mistakes they’re accusing him of,” said Adams during a phone call to our offices.

“I’m sure, just as Steve said, these reception and antenna problems are in no way the fault of AT&T, but rather the result of humans having learned to hold phones the wrong way over the last century. Who knew you were supposed to use a grip that holds the phone from the top and bottom as opposed to the sides? Apple, that’s who.”

“And just look at the design,” he continued. “Sure, some might say that all the careful work that went into the phone is ruined by having to put duct tape all over the sides like a backwoods hillbilly just so that it can make or receive calls. But Apple is just tapping into that rugged DIY aesthetic and American can-do attitude that made this country great. Besides, dull gray tape goes well with a high gloss phone finish.”

“Can you imagine if this was a Microsoft project,” Adams asked indignantly, snorting as he said it. “I mean, there’d probably be a bug or some dorky guy in a suit telling you about how great Vista is.”

“Oh, God. Vista,” he laughed. “See...”

At this point Adams' phone cut out, possibly because he held it the wrong way. As of press time we had been unable to phone him back.

Video of the day

How LeBron to Miami really went down.

News sentence of the day

Via Glenn Greenwald, an Agence France-Presse wire story on Dick Cheney's exploding heart.

Whoops. Someone better get on the blower and tell France how real American journalism professionals sidestep that whole "torture" thingy dingy. Hint: they pretend it didn't happen and that torture isn't actually torture. Shh, pass it on.

I know, France. This whole "Debate" over who did what to whom with electrodes and barking dogs seems so cut and dried that even a Fox News analyst can see it for what it is and prescribe the correct line of action, but it isn't. Because. Try to bone up on your journalism standards. The objective isn't truth, it's covering for those in power. Remember that next time you go besmirching a man like Dick Cheney's record with an objective reporting of the facts.

By the by, it's nice to see Cheney finally have a heart type device implanted into his chest to replace the gaping black void of nothingness, avarice, and sadness that resided there before. A few years too late by my count, but still a nice gesture.

Picture of the day

Via Wired Science and the European Space Agency's Planck satellite comes this look at a gas explosion inside a Pink Floyd laser light show at the Denver planetarium.

No, it's a microwave map of the entire sky. Not part of the sky, all of it. From the new parts, to the parts that God created 6,000 years ago, to the parts that science says, in actuality, were created billions of years ago. The whole shebang, to use a term Einstein coined.

As always, click to embiggen.

At least this didn't take 400 years to correct. Ask Galileo.

After months and months of the kind of bad PR your get when it's found you have continued to ignore child molestation and rape cases, have let priests go unpunished, stood in the way of justice, and reacted with a tin ear when governments, people, and law enforcement decided to pick up the slack, the Catholic Church has come out with some new guidelines into the handling and prosecution of sexual abuse cases. Namely 1: they will now actually care about or pretend to care about sexual abuse cases. And 2: they totally promise to rap a few knuckles this time.

See, when you threaten to arrest and question the Pope in a legal deposition, shit gets done.

Maybe I'm explaining it poorly. Let's have the Lord dumb it down for us.

In its most significant revision to church law since a sex abuse crisis hit the United States a decade ago and roared back from remission in Europe this spring, the Vatican on Thursday issued new internal rules making it easier to discipline priests who have sexually abused minors.
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In its revision, the Vatican doubled the statute of limitations in abuse cases from 10 to 20 years from the victim’s 18th birthday and added possession of child pornography and the sexual abuse of mentally disabled adults to the list of crimes handled by the Vatican’s doctrinal office, the Congregation for the Doctrine of the Faith.

In a statement, the Vatican spokesman, the Rev. Federico Lombardi, said the changes were a sign of the church’s commitment to addressing child sex abuse with “rigor and transparency.”

Good. It seemed the previous modus operandi was to molest children with vigor and transparent, erotic vestments.

But, lest we commit the sin of too much internet snark, we will at least offer up our tepid applause. After all, while this is a sweeping new policy, it's one that should have been an obvious move, oh, say, a long fucking time ago. Plus, all it is now is some words on a paper, let's see you put it into action, as you lot don't have the best record when it comes to following your own guidelines on not fucking kids. Make it more than, as Bishopaccountability.org put it, "administrative tinkering of a secretive internal process."

Still, I'm surprised. Not that they finally did something, no, overwhelming, constant, and unrelenting negative attention, combined with cries of outrage, police raids, and threats of legal action will light a fire under a person's ass. I'm surprised that the modern, foot-shooting Catholic Church didn't find a way to bollocks this all up with some tin eared proclamation or ill conceived announcement.

But in a move that infuriated victims’ groups and put United States bishops on the defensive, it also codified “the attempted ordination of women” to the priesthood as one of the church’s most grave crimes, along with heresy, schism and pedophilia.

There it is.

Old men with beards would like to scare you about the economy

Emperor of the Economy and Grand Vichy of Loose Change, Ben Bernanke, gathered the Justice League of Economics Professors and Financial Sector Giants known as the Fed together to issue a proclamation: we're all going to die from lack of money. Extreme exposure to lack of cash elements so harsh that our bodies and minds won't be able to handle it. Oh sure, you may have your foolish optimism or some notion that "this can't happen in America", but they have charts, scholarly analysis, and beards. Oh do they have beards.

Break it to us softly, wizened elders.

Members of the Federal Reserve lowered their expectations for economic growth and raised their projections of the nation's unemployment rate, cautioning for the first time in recent memory that the low employment rate "over the next several years... would likely be below levels they consider to be consistent" with their mandate to maximize employment, according to meeting minutes released Wednesday.
...
A review of minutes of the Federal Open Market Committee meetings dating back to September 2008 -- the height of the financial crisis -- reveal no other meetings in which central bank policymakers expressed such a dim view of the unemployment rate. While the minutes have expressed such caution regarding the expected inflation rate, they have not indicated that the low level of employment would be so low as to threaten their legal mandate to pursue those policies that maximize employment.

Hmm, not to nitpick while you're dropping sadness bombs, but that "mandate to maximize employment"? Yeah, that doesn't seem like something you've been too serious about over these past few years. Or ever. Yeah. You seemed to be more interested in chasing the invisible inflation dragon. See, inflation rate-> remains tame, employment rate-> DEAR GOD I CAN'T LOOK IT BURNS MY EYES!

It's nice that you pretend care about the poors and their field tilling jobs now, but it would have been appreciated during the Wall Street money orgy you were presiding over when other smart people who weren't in you special club with the offices that smell of rich mahogany were yelling bloody murder about the increasing jobless rates.

Ahh, I'm just being mean because the economy is going to be awful for a decade or more. It's not your fault, Fed guys. You have your limited set of tools and those typically do the job. But not when things are this bad and not when we have an entire branch of government that has abdicated it's duties in favor of intermittently squabbling amongst themselves and attempting to pull the country down on itself for political gain. Thanks for the concern.

Your sunshine and smiles of the day

Looks like things might be finally looking up for those poor, beleaguered kids over at that mom and pop operation known as BP. Did they finally get a cap on that oil, drill the relief well, or in any other way stop all the oil from flowing into the sea? Lord no. But at least they're catching a tax break.

The costs to the foreign oil giant BP for poisoning the Gulf of Mexico will lower the company’s taxes by billions of dollars, and BP “may be able to get a refund for taxes paid in previous years.” If BP’s cleanup costs reach $60 billion, as Merrill Lynch & Co. estimates, the company will be able to deduct almost $20 billion over time. In addition to billions in subsidies, the company has received $10 billion in federal contracts from the American taxpayer in the last ten years. BP spokesman Steve Rinehart told Bloomberg News that BP will deduct the $3.5 billion already spent on cleanup efforts and any future expenses.

Good for them. See kids, if you fuck up colossally enough eventually it starts to work in your favor.

Cheap Blogging Crutch 07.14

Modern Toss' Periodic Table of British Swearing. Click to embiggen you 71 with 76 and a 79.

Maybe you were clued into this fact when you went outside last week and your brain melted, your shirt soaked through, and you begged unsuccessfully for God to kill you immediately, but it was fucking hot. The hottest January to June in recorded history. If you were one of those douches who complain the global warming is a myth or hoax or were one of those shitbags who was yelling how there couldn't be global warming because there was so much snow over the winter, know this: next time it hits 90 and I have to listen to one of you jerkoffs spout off about Al Gore, I'm lighting you on fire. Spread the word.

In The World Is Full of Deadbeat Scum News, remember all that money every country pledged to Haiti and then patted themselves on the back for, it's citizens clapping and cheering for the gesture and then never bothering to ever check back on to see how Haiti was doing? Turns out only 1.9% of that money has made it to Haiti. Not that it matters. That money was about making us feel better, not Haiti. And we do feel better. What's Haiti? Haven't even thought about it in months. Mission accomplished.

Are you one of those people who thinks that a gas station sandwich is too luxurious a gastronomic delicacy to partake in? Good news, that's why science has created Candwich: the Sandwich in a can. Maybe the idea of eating a BBQ chicken sandwich in a Mountain Dew can doesn't seem appealing, but did I mention there was a candy surprise? On the bright side, this product is the result of SEC fraud and a real estate swindle, and how many awful foodstuffs can say that?

If you had to guess where the nexus of dumb parents, dumb school districts, fear of technology, misunderstanding of technology, misunderstanding of drugs, and fear of youth gone wild was, Oklahoma would have to come up early in the discussion right? That's where a school district is under the grip of kids downloading and listening to "digital drugs" and "i-dosers", sounds/songs that are supposed to create a drug like euphoria. *sighs* This sounds like a town ripe for the taking from a shady monorail salesman. Whatever happened to huffing gas and listing to Dark Side of the Moon? I think everyone should just abide by my one rule: technology is a witch, burn it. It is responsible for the Candwich after all.

As some of you are aware, the threat of robot attack is constant. But today I bring you news of an even greater threat: psychic warrior octopi. Of course we are referring to Paul, a German octopus who correctly predicted the last eight World Cup matches. Some might say that this is just random luck and that the octopus was probably just picking flags based on which one has more yellow in it. To them I say: octopi are probably color blind. I think it's much more likely it can see around the curvature of spacetime and into the future.

We all love Mel Gibson and his humorous awful misogyny and equal opportunity racism. Even if it did likely cost us a movie where he walked around with a beaver hand puppet and then committed suicide. But for those who didn't like Mel's various affronts to all human decency, would perhaps cute kittens saying his most heinous 20 quotes change your mind? C'mon, forgive him. Look at the beaver movie picture. That goddamn thing has to be allowed come out.

Broken News: News organization wants area man’s opinion for some reason

ALBANY—Chet Smith sat down last night to watch national news network CNN in an attempt to learn what had gone in the world that day and avoid conversation with his wife. But rather than sit and soak in the day’s event and avoid confronting mistakes which are rapidly approaching a 10th anniversary, Smith soon found that the network had drafted him into providing content and news for their broadcast.

“So, apparently they want my opinion on everything to be texted, phoned in, blogged, or tweeted at all times and on all subjects,” said Smith, quizzically. “Why? If I knew anything about the world I wouldn’t be sitting down at a TV to find out about it. Of what use is my opinion on the Israel flotilla raid to the greater public at large? Don’t they have experts they can tap for this kind of help?”

To further explain his lack of credentials, Smith produced a semester’s worth of poor grades from the local community college as well as documentation to note that he had dropped out.

“I was majoring in air conditioning repair,” the man said in a bewildered tone. “Even if I had mustered up the courage to get that Associate’s Degree in History or to not drop out, what are the odds I can offer up a cogent reaction to Middle Eastern politics that is even valuable enough to be worth reading as it speeds across the bottom of a screen, let alone have Wolf Blitzer single it out? What do I have to offer on the BP oil spill other than inchoate rage that someone ‘do something’, as if I even knew what that something is?”

“No,” Smith concluded. “It’s best I be left out of this news gathering operation. My notions, reckonings, and poorly shot amateur video of the neighbor’s wife are hardly a valuable component to the news.”

When notified that Mr. Smith would not be accepted their unsolicited offer to become an unpaid correspondent and content generator, Janelle Rodriguez, CNN Director of Programming, simply sighed and commented that “newsing is hard.”

She did however wish to extend the same offer to all other CNN viewers, noting that “24 hours was a lot of time to fill every day” and that their ill-informed notions on the day’s events combined with showing boring family photos and internet video memes was needed to fill up several hours of that block. She advised that people send in photos or videos of their family “beating the heat” or the network would be forced to use the news as a means to educate and inform rather than entertain.

“I don’t think that’s anything that anyone wants,” she grimly intoned. “So I better see at least 20 photos of cats in old-timey bathing suits and swimming caps by noon or so help me God, Christiane Amanpour will be doing a twelve part series on global geopolitics.”

"Don't make us analyze the Israel-Palestine conflict from all sides," she yelled, wagging a finger. "All sides!"

Confronted with the sad reality that he can no longer be allowed to watch something without becoming an active participant in it or have the mundane details of his life treated as if it had equal value with real news, Smith sighed, dug out his camera, and went to find the cat.

“It’s better this way,” he rationalized. “Knowing what was really going on probably just would have made me angry. Cat pictures are funny.”

According to a flash online poll of CNN viewers, taking into account text messages and Facebook posts, 78% of the viewing audience also agrees that cat pictures are funny.

Picture of the day

Photographer Andrew Zuckerman takes some pictures of creepy ass birds for his book: Creepy Ass Birds.

Oh God, the talons! They'll claw my eyes out.

The sparkly vampires are winning the war

An unsolicited ad for Stallone's upcoming Kersplode!!!! The Movie.



They had me at Dolph. Free pair of camouflage trucknuts with every ticket purchase.

Eat it, women. How dare you have entertainment that caters your own low rent interests over our low rent interests. On August 13th... PEW PEW PEW RATATATTAT KABOOOM!

I would like to purchse one

How can any of us say we're living in a country that truly respects its second amendment unless we can all buy these:


Now they say that this Rocket Propelled Chainsaw is for zombie killing and ruling a post-apocalyptic world, but who needs the dead to rise to have this weapon. Surely it can be used to take care of unruly tree branches without use of a ladder, child rearing, or *pounds fist into palm* regulating shit in the neighborhood.

Can we really say we live in the 21st century if our chainsaws remain un-rocket propelled? I think not. Someone from Lockheed, Stihl, or Baretta get on this.

The plot thickens

Look, we all know that Arizona had to get it's border in order by arresting anyone who is suspected of enjoying Tecate and Corona unironically. I mean after all, these Mexicans are not only almost all drug mules, but they're beheading each other in the desert in scenes that would make Cormac McCarthy grimace. So says AZ Governor Jan Brewer, who sticks by her story no matter how many media outlets say she tells insane lies or that she's an insane liar.

But Brewer has only uncovered the tip of the Latino spear. Rep. Sue Myrick (R-NC), the ranking GOP member of the House Intelligence Subcommittee on Intelligence Community Management who would become the chairwoman if Republicans take back the House, has found an even more sinister plot. By "found" I do mean "imagined". But the thought of it did give her the vapors so hard that it's practically the same as the truth.

MYRICK: Well the thing that concerns me, and you mentioned this briefly, Iran is working with Venezuela. And they’re transiting through Venezuela, taking Spanish for maybe six months. They’re getting the false documents that they need, coming up through Mexico and if they’re stopped, they just say well I’m Spanish. And it, oh I mean Mexican...
...
And the other thing that we’re seeing, and we’re seeing it in your state in particular in the prisons is Farsi tattoos. Farsi is basically a Persian language, which Iran is, and we know we’ve seen Arabic tattoos in our prisons for a long time, but we haven't seen Farsi tattoos in a long time.

That cinches it! Iran and Venezuela are working together to subvert our borders and fill up our prisons! Those prisons are for black people, Iran and Venezuela, not fake Mexicans with Farsi tattoos!

Once these Iranian agents learn the secret of our prisons, our fruit and vegetable picking operations, how to get building work standing out in front of the Home Depot, and low paid child care... my God, they'll be unstoppable. You know, as long as their obvious Farsi tattoos (that probably say "secret agent" in foreignese) don't blow their secret status. But Rep. Myrick is on to you, Iranezuela Global Conspiracy!

I think it's clear what we need to do here. 100 foot wall across the border? Sure. But we need to fear the Latino! When they aren't beheading people to steal the drugs they're smuggling, they're stealing our freedom and sending it back to Mexico, and engaging in terrorist conspiracies with Muslims. Fear the Hispanic. And, for good measure, the Gypsies, Homosexuals, and the Jews. But mostly the Mexicans and fake-Mexican Venezuelan Iranians. It's the only way we'll be safe from the imaginations of Republican border governors and Republican Intel Committee members who should both theoretically know better.

Priorities

There was a small bit of consternation the other day when Senate Minority Whip Jon Kyl mused on how extending unemployment benefits was an affront to God because it added a minuscule amount to the debt and was not "paid for" by spending cuts or tax increases. He then went on to note, unironically, that of course there was no need to offset $678 billion that would be added to the deficit because of extending the Bush tax cuts to the wealthy, because... mumble mumble rich people free market trickle down Reagan freedom pony.

Nakedly stating that there would be no pennies for the peasants unless it was paid for (and even then his party would almost unanimously oppose) while stating at the exact same time that he'd willingly OK nearly 200 times the deficit addition as long as it went to rich white guys, seemed particularly galling to some. Surely this isn't what the GOP really believes or, at least, this isn't what they'd publicly admit to believing while cameras were rolling, right? Wrong.

"That's been the majority Republican view for some time," Minority Leader Mitch McConnell told TPMDC this afternoon after the weekly GOP press conference. "That there's no evidence whatsoever that the Bush tax cuts actually diminished revenue. They increased revenue, because of the vibrancy of these tax cuts in the economy. So I think what Senator Kyl was expressing was the view of virtually every Republican on that subject."

Really? No evidence? Not one egghead with a protractor and slide rule that says otherwise? No greatly respected nonpartisan think tank that deals with tax issues and budgetary matters that has done a study and come to the opposite conclusion and maybe even put it into chart form so as to make it more easily understandable?


What? It's almost like the reality of a situation is the diametric opposite of what Republicans are saying it is. This has never happened before. Surely we must mark this event on our calendars for it is as rare as a unicorn and as precious as a child's love.

So we're clear: adding $5 bucks to the deficit so all the people who are suffering in this economy, largely because of your economic policies and blocking of any measures to change the status quo, can have just enough money to survive makes you taste vomit in your mouth, but adding near a trillion dollars to the deficit with tax cuts that helped damage the economy in the first place so some guy with a monocle can get the ivory package on his new Maybach makes the angels in heaven sing.

That sounds about right. Besides, those unemployed people might be rich someday through the magic of trickle down economics, so they want their unemployment benefits cut to pay for the tax cuts they'll get when they're rich, right? Right.

Stay classy, Rush

So you've gotten word that George Steinbrenner died. You could herald the man for all the perceived sports good he's done or you could decry him for all the perceived sports bad he's done. You could of course also just shut up about it and not say anything. What do you do, hotshot? What do you do?

Well, if you're Rush Limbaugh, you take a break from your regular race baiting and "ooga booga the blacks are conspiring against you, grandma" type stuff and start race baiting on Steinbrenner.

"That cracker made a lot of African-Americans millionaires. ... And made a lot of African-American millionaires along the way. And at the same time he fired a lot of white guys.... as managers! Left and right."

Astute point. Of course this was used as a launching point for how the estate tax (Steinbrenner knew to die at the right time), the similarity between liberals and Muslim extremists, the racism of the NAACP for pointing out the racism of teabaggers, how the New Black Panther Party is going to come for all us whites, and how Obama is enslaving children. Obvious points all when referring to the death of a sports owner. Maybe George would have appreciated the political sleaziness of it, having been convicted of obstruction of justice and making illegal contributions to Nixon's campaign and then getting shadily pardoned by Reagan.

Nicely done, Rush. George fired whitey and showed blacky the money. These are the only two things that can be discerned about his life. Expertly pointed out.

Can I point something out

A few days ago LeBron James leaves the city of Cleveland to take his talents to South Beach, by some estimates devaluing the Cavs by $100 million and cost the city and it's businesses $50 million a year.

Yesterday Cleveland comic book legend Harvey Pekar dies.

Today, Cleveland shipping magnate and Yankee owner George Steinbrenner dies of what everyone in the media is calling a MASSIVE -assive -assive heart attack. As opposed to a regular, hilarious, whimsical, easy heart attack.

I don't want to be too much of a doom obsessed gainsayer... but it's clear the God is killing anything and everything successful, talented, powerful, artistic, creative, or wealthy in Cleveland. I'm fairly certain that by week's end a meteor will have hit the Rock 'N Roll Hall of Fame, Drew Carey will have been murdered and cannibalized by a serial killer, the recipe for brown stadium mustard will be lost for all time, the lake will catch back on fire, the Browns will be able to field a team this year, and most of the townspeople will be turned into pillars of salt.

Cleveland is the new Sodom and Gomorrah and the Lord is piling up his vengeance on thee. Get out while you can. Even then... that didn't save Steinbrenner. I'd say "God have mercy on your souls", but it's clear he doesn't.

Ugh

I'm going to go die now. Regards.

Chart of the day

I'm not saying we aren't going to get our hair mussed, but when the robots rise up, we won't be getting the worst of it.

We can hold out for a while, but eventually humanity will have to retreat to Africa. There we will gather our strength, and with a mighty vuvuzela blast we will make our last charge against them on the battlefield.

Picture of the day

In honor of the eclipse that happened over the weekend (...in the Pacific, so it's like it didn't actually happen at all) Gizmodo put up these shots of eclipses taken from somewhere other than the Earth looking up at the sun.

Try to pretend those large looming shadows aren't a fully armed and operational battle station orbiting the planet.

Video of the day

Given the kind of headlines and statements that regularly come out of North Korea (invisible soccer phones, for one) I'm going to say it's about 60-40 that those subtitles are real. Nah, 72-25.

The nice old man is here to tell us of our impending financial doom

We are on the verge of having tepid financial reform getting passed. Either when West Virginia's 42nd Annual Moonshinin' and Couches What Done Burn Festival ends and they appoint someone to Robert Byrd's seat or when Democrats water the bill down even more to get one other person to jump on. Oh mediocre day.

As we are close to yet another monument to our government's time wasting ineffectiveness, half measures, and total subservience to business in the face of all rational fact, the New York Times decided to interview former Fed chair and current senior White House adviser Paul Volcker to comment on the impending legislation. Try not to be bowled over by the overwhelming stream of "Meh" and the "we're probably all doomed, but I'm optimistic" vibe he exudes.

If he were a teacher, and not a senior White House adviser and the towering former chairman of the Federal Reserve, he says, he would have given the new rules just an ordinary B — not even a B-plus.

Yeah, but he's grading on a curve. So Congress' performance gets bumped up because they didn't dub Goldman Sachs CEO Lloyd Blankfein King of All Money and Jewels That He Surveys. Continue, Pauly.

For all of what he describes as the overhaul’s strengths — particularly the limits placed on banks’ trading activities — he still feels that the legislation doesn’t go far enough in curbing potentially problematic bank activities like investing in hedge funds.

No shit.

....he’s concerned that it still gives banks too much wiggle room to repeat the behavior that threw the nation into crisis in the first place.

Hmm, then it doesn't seem to me like it does its job. Maybe that curved B was a little high, no? Or were we grading for effort? That B still seems high. Anyway, any ominous statements about the future to add?

“People are nervous about the long-term outlook, and they should be,” he says.

Maybe I was giving him too much credit with the "Meh" thing. He seems to give this thing a passing grade, then goes on at length at why he should expel all the students from Chug-A-Lug House for poor academic performance and destruction of property.

At the age of 82, Mr. Volcker is from a generation of Wall Street personalities who accepted strict financial regulation as a fact of life through much of their careers.

HAH! How quaint. Volcker must feel like the last human alive wandering through a mass of zombies whenever he goes to Wall Street. But what of his proposed, and smart, Volcker Rule, which would have prevented banks from risking their funds on trading in default swaps and mortgage backed securities? You know, the one that got watered down.

Mr. Volcker thinks that Congress has watered down his trading rule...but rather than roar in protest, he has resigned himself to the present shape of the Volcker rule as well as the overall legislation.

“The success of this approach is going to be heavily dependent on how aggressively and intelligently it is implemented,” he says, emphasizing that a new, 10-member regulatory council authorized by the bill will have to be vigilant and tough to prevent the nation’s giant banks and investment houses from pulling America into yet another devastating credit crisis.

Hmm, so..... no hope at all? If elected and appointed representatives can't be tough and vigilant with banks, what are the odds the people they appoint will be? I thought so. Any statements you would like to make that unwittingly describe the shoddy means by under which we are governed?

“The thing went from what is best to what could be passed,” he says.

Another phrase that should be engraved on a plaque and hung in the halls of Congress. And really, when dealing with the fallout from one of the most massive financial crises in world history, isn't doing what's best of little concern? Close it out with a statement underlying just how underwhelmed you are.

“We have to have a regulatory system that reflects today’s problems and tomorrow’s potential problems,” he says. “This bill attempts to do that. Does it do it perfectly? Obviously it does not go as far as I felt it should go.”

You gotta love it when eminently smart men who know an issue inside out are asked about the problem they have helped Congress work on fixing for the past year plus and the best thing they can say about the legislation is that it attempts to do something. Then the eminently smart man follows that up with a statement telling you that it isn't close to what he, the eminently smart man with the experience and knowledge, would attempt to do. Spirit lifting is what it is.

He's just too nice to tell us we're all fucked and we've left the exhaust port on the Death Star wide open. Wall Street is going to slip a ship past the big guns, fire a proton torpedo into the son of a bitch sometime soon and there's nothing we can do about it. Happy days.

Silver linings

"Good news everyone!"

I know we're all worried about jobs and the economy. The former now that another 700,000 are likely to be added to the lazy peasant bread lines and decadent soup kitchen dinners that a couple million of our spoiled American brethren have been living like kings on lo these past months.

Don't worry. Because things are picking up.... for the assholes that ruined the economy in the first place.

While much of the country remains fixated on the bleak employment picture, hiring is beginning to pick up in the place that led the economy into recession — Wall Street.

The shift underscores the remarkable recovery of the biggest banks and brokerage firms since Washington rescued them in the fall of 2008, and follows the huge rebound in profits for members of the New York Stock Exchange, which totaled $61.4 billion in 2009, the most ever.

Warms the fucking cockles of your heart, doesn't it?

I'm just glad that we don't have to see sad, struggling, 26 year-olds who used to be making high six figures now scraping by on low six figures. Ordering house wines, ordering drinks by the glass instead of bottle service at the club, wearing off the rack Armani, and buying a BMW 128i. WE ALL KNOW THAT'S THE CHEAPEST MODEL BMW MAKES!

Things are getting better for them and I, for one, will sleep easier at night. I'm sure it's all going to come around soon for the rest of us.

Sorry to everyone whose sarcasm detectors I just broke.

Iranian hair news

If I were to ask you what the government of Iran viewed as one of the biggest threats to their Islamic state, what would you guess? I mean besides people wanting to vote and then having the audacity to want that vote counted. After that, I'm sure the first thing you would shout out is "Men's hairdos!" You would be right.

Oh the heavy burden of being the web's #1 resource for international hair care news. Some days it's fun. Some days it requires you to report on the squashing of hair freedom and hair liberty by hair fascists bent on hair totalitarianism. Such is the case with Iran.

In an attempt to rid the country of "decadent Western cuts", Iran's culture ministry has produced a catalogue of haircuts that meet government approval.
...
The "journal of Iranian hairstyles approved by the ministry of [culture and Islamic] guidance" was previewed at a government-approved hairdressing show in Tehran.
...
"The proposed styles are inspired by Iranians' complexion, culture and religion, and Islamic law," said Jaleh Khodayar, who is in charge of a Modesty and Veil Festival later this month at which the guide will be promoted.

"We are happy that the Islamic republic of Iran's government has backed us in designing these hairstyles."

Finally, after cracking down on women's attire that was leading to unnecessary earthquakes, the Iranian government is taking on men's haircare, which is probably causing tornadoes or something. Thankfully, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad himself was involved in the design of appropriate hair guidelines. I heard he fought for the "Flock of Seagulls" haircut to be allowed so that he could continue to play bass in Story of A Heart, his Flock cover band, but was outlawed by Ayatollah Khamenei, who thought he looked stupid.

What are the other forbidden hair affronts to Muhammad?

The list of banned styles includes ponytails, mullets and elaborate spikes.

Oof. And Iran's touchy relationship with the South has been officially moved into the "Irrevocably broken" category. Sorry aspiring Persian hillbillies, from now on it's either party in the back OR business in the front. Never shall the twain meet. What's cool?

However,quiffs appear to be acceptable, as are fashioning one's hair in the style of Simon Cowell or cultivating a 1980s-style floppy fringe.

Well, I can tell you one thing: nothing defeats the decadence of the West and it's evil Western cultural invasion, what with the Western rock 'n roll, the Western dancing, and the complete monopolization of the left side of a compass, like allowing your citizens to walk around with an Elvis quiff or a haircut in the style of the most beloved asshole on our biggest TV show.

So beware spiky headed Iranians, you will be identified, arrested, and forced into a government hair care center where you will be given an more appropriate hairdo. Remember when ponytails are outlawed, only outlaws will have ponytails.

Headlines

Florida Senate Candidate Believes That Terrorist Sorcerers Are Coming To Rape Our Cars

Yeah, you're going to want to click through to learn about the conspiracy that reaches back beyond Salem to before the Vikings, effects our bowel movements, and our transportation. Paiboon Sunthonchart Jr. knows and now he wants you to know.