Monday, July 12, 2010

Iranian hair news

If I were to ask you what the government of Iran viewed as one of the biggest threats to their Islamic state, what would you guess? I mean besides people wanting to vote and then having the audacity to want that vote counted. After that, I'm sure the first thing you would shout out is "Men's hairdos!" You would be right.

Oh the heavy burden of being the web's #1 resource for international hair care news. Some days it's fun. Some days it requires you to report on the squashing of hair freedom and hair liberty by hair fascists bent on hair totalitarianism. Such is the case with Iran.
In an attempt to rid the country of "decadent Western cuts", Iran's culture ministry has produced a catalogue of haircuts that meet government approval.
The "journal of Iranian hairstyles approved by the ministry of [culture and Islamic] guidance" was previewed at a government-approved hairdressing show in Tehran.
"The proposed styles are inspired by Iranians' complexion, culture and religion, and Islamic law," said Jaleh Khodayar, who is in charge of a Modesty and Veil Festival later this month at which the guide will be promoted.

"We are happy that the Islamic republic of Iran's government has backed us in designing these hairstyles."
Finally, after cracking down on women's attire that was leading to unnecessary earthquakes, the Iranian government is taking on men's haircare, which is probably causing tornadoes or something. Thankfully, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad himself was involved in the design of appropriate hair guidelines. I heard he fought for the "Flock of Seagulls" haircut to be allowed so that he could continue to play bass in Story of A Heart, his Flock cover band, but was outlawed by Ayatollah Khamenei, who thought he looked stupid.

What are the other forbidden hair affronts to Muhammad?
The list of banned styles includes ponytails, mullets and elaborate spikes.
Oof. And Iran's touchy relationship with the South has been officially moved into the "Irrevocably broken" category. Sorry aspiring Persian hillbillies, from now on it's either party in the back OR business in the front. Never shall the twain meet. What's cool?
However,quiffs appear to be acceptable, as are fashioning one's hair in the style of Simon Cowell or cultivating a 1980s-style floppy fringe.
Well, I can tell you one thing: nothing defeats the decadence of the West and it's evil Western cultural invasion, what with the Western rock 'n roll, the Western dancing, and the complete monopolization of the left side of a compass, like allowing your citizens to walk around with an Elvis quiff or a haircut in the style of the most beloved asshole on our biggest TV show.

So beware spiky headed Iranians, you will be identified, arrested, and forced into a government hair care center where you will be given an more appropriate hairdo. Remember when ponytails are outlawed, only outlaws will have ponytails.

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