Ugh

I'm going to go die now. Regards.

...and we're back

And we're back, after a little extended hiatus. What happened? The story of the day became about the federal budget and I went into complete catatonic shock due to boredom. Also, I may have had spotty/nonexistent internet coverage over the past few days and Sean may or may not be dead of some new, ultra-virulent super plague. But good news: people stopped pretending to care about the budget, the internets are working, and, after a tasteful funeral, a search to find a new Sean (to also be named Sean, so I don't have to change the site any) will be held.

Here, watch this video about terrorist Alaskan polar bears, I think it explains pretty much everything.

Our apologies

We here at These Bastards spend a lot of time warning and cheering on the apocalypse. Robot apocalypse, financial apocalypse, meteor strikes, supernovas, lizard people, war, war with lizard people, climate collapse, and alien invasion.But one of the ones we've been most interested in is a calamitous viral event or flupocalypse. Not only because we're certain we would survive, but it's also the plotline of one of our favorite books, the Stand. It'd be glorious, a cornucopia of good vs. evil, Boulder vs. Vegas, weird omens, cawing crows on fence posts, deaf guys getting exploded, mildly retarded men stealing nukes, and holy retribution.

That's why we were so excited about the swine flu, or H1N1... or Porcine AIDS. We thought it had the power to cleanse all you rotten bastards from the face of this earth. Well, turns out the panic over it might not have been on the level.

Wolfgang Wodarg, head of health at the Council of Europe, claims major firms organised a "campaign of panic" to put pressure on the World Health Organisation to declare a pandemic.

He believes it is "one of the greatest medicine scandals of the century" — and has called for an inquiry.
...
"The great campaign of panic we have seen provided a golden opportunity for representatives from labs who knew they would hit the jackpot in the case of a pandemic being declared.

What? Pharmaceutical companies hyping a virus to hawk expensive medicine? I don't believe it. I'd get up and march right over to this Wodarg fellow and tell him what's what, but don't you know, I'm not supposed to exert my legs too heavily, what with this restless leg syndrome I'm taking medicine for. Plus the pills for my nonspecific mouth pain disorder make me dizzy and a new ad makes me wonder if I'm suffering the ill effects of coal miner's pinky.

But still, isn't it the point when you discover a possibly dangerous and new type of flu related to that Spanish flu that killed everyone a while back, to overreact to it? Isn't that the point of any possible outbreak; to overreact to it? Isn't that how it gets stopped in its tracks? Isn't that how the fuckers who don't want everyone dead avoid a Stand-type scenario?

Plus, the was reported by the UK's the Sun, which means it was sandwiched in between topless women answering questions about "the issues" and horrendously bad headlines made out of puns, so your mileage may vary. But, if in fact we're all going to live and none of us survivors will be in a pitched battle for all mankind, well, we'd just like to apologize for getting your hopes up. Sorry, we're all going to make it.

On the bright side, there's always bird flu. And SARS, maybe that'll make a comeback. There is hope.

Cheap Blogging Crutch 11.13

Making Health Care Better
The New York Times' David Leonhardt provides us with an exhaustive story on doctors, administrators, and public policy dorks who are doing the hard work of trying to hold down costs and make health care more effective in the current broken system. You may know them by their other title: people who aren't as smart as our elected betters in the Senate. He focuses specifically on the work of Brent James, who probably wakes up every morning, reads about the health care debate, and then has to spend 15 minutes talking himself out of suicide. It's an article that's worth your time.

How the US Funds the Taliban
I bet you're thinking "I'm sure it's just some labyrinthine trail where we find out that things we buy and things we do eventually flow back to the Taliban and terrorist organizations in Afghanistan, meant to teach us a lesson about the complexities of war." Nope! We're just straight up paying them. In cash. Sometimes just to not do anything, sometimes we pay them for protection. Often it's just huge, corrupt payments to Hamid Karzai's family. It's all very sordid and is definitely one of the many, many things your shouldn't think about when we decide to send a bunch more troops over there.

CDC Estimates 22 Million H1N1 Cases In US Between April And October
Oh, you forgot about Porcine AIDS, didn't you? Well it didn't forget about you, infecting maybe as many as 36 million and killing 4,000. Ok, that doesn't sound frightening, but what if I pointed out it was Friday the 13th and said it in a spooooky voice? No? Fuck you anyway, we're all going to die. Might want to think about getting that flu shot.

Al-Qa'ida prefers U.S. to stick around
What would you say if I told you that the United States military and political establishment didn't really understand Al Qaeda or it's political and military goals in reference to Afghanistan. Would you say 'no shit' or 'no fucking shit'? Well, anyway, it basically boils down to how they really, really, really, want us to stay and keep sending troops in. Boy, good thing we're not going to do anything stupid like that. By the way, this is also one of the many, many things your shouldn't think about when we decide to send a bunch more troops over there.

China proves to be an aggressive foe in cyberspace
Hey, while the US is spending trillions on not having health care, building super duper fighter planes, missiles, and various things that Michael Bay totally beats off to, you know what China is spending their money on? Well, infrastructure, energy, and wrapping its tentacles around the world. But militarily? Mostly they're watching Hackers over and over again and taking notes. Aaaand they're pretty much countering any intelligence imbalances and could do major damage to us if we ever started a war with them. In fact they're pretty much already running an undeclared war on us. I'm sure this is a problem a few more F-22's that are built the districts of every congressman on an appropriations committee will solve.

Satire and reality violently smash into each other

The Onion: Obama's Declaration Of Swine Flu Emergency Prompts Pro-Swine-Flu Republican Response

Media Matters: Misinformation pandemic, Beck, Limbaugh fomenting fear about H1N1 vaccine

• Glenn Beck on H1N1 vaccine and fear mongering about the vaccine being mandatory:

Vaccine may turn out to be "deadly."
"I'd do the exact opposite of what the Homeland Security says."
"You don't know if this is gonna cause neurological damage like it did in the 1970s."
Beck suggests government will say "everybody" has to take the flu shot, may "line up" people to get mandatory flu shot.
"U.S. out of my bloodstream."
"If government says it's OK," why are health care workers protesting mandated vaccinations?
Massachusetts Senate bill "could be paving the way for forced vaccinations."
People rejecting vaccines because they don't trust the government.
Obama is "just declaring a national emergency so [they] can take power."


• Rush Limbaugh fear mongering over the H1N1 vaccine:

"You'll be healthier" if you don't listen to the government.
"Screw you, Ms. Sebelius! I am not going to take it, precisely because you're now telling me I must."
Government might be "hyping the number" of H1N1 cases to "create panic and chaos, sell health care."

Sorry Onion, looks like reality is just a little bit funnier than you. Although its funny in a "horrifyingly funny" way, as Beck and Limbaugh are trying to fear mongering and stoke panic in a way that could actually get people killed.

Now normally I'd hear the phrase "Beck and Limbaugh are actually trying to kill their audience", smile politely, and skip down the street whistling a jaunty tune. But, seeing as this might actually result in deaths, I figured not even an obsessive fan of those two deserves a flu death. Plus, I would like to spare these people the indignity of reaching the pearly gates, explaining that they died of the flu because they listened to right wing commentators, then having to endure the spectacle of St. Peter calling over the Holy Trinity and all the angles in heaven to laugh at them.

So let me just say this, even though I know it won't do any good: For the love of God, don't listen to Glenn Beck, Rush Limbaugh, or anyone on Fox News when it comes to science, health, common sense, or really anything. I know that's a large leap for most of you, but try just starting with the science and health parts; it'll probably keep you alive longer. Thank you.

Cheap Blogging Crutch 11.04

Italian court finds CIA agents guilty of kidnapping terrorism suspect
Well that makes one country that's actually serious about prosecuting torture, rendition, and kidnapping in the name of America's war on terror. Surprisingly it's Italy, who can't even convict its openly corrupt prime minister. That's a bit of a shocker. But Italy has tried and convicted 23 Americans in absentia for the CIA's "extraordinary rendition" that resulted in an Italian citizen being kidnapped and tortured. Sadly none of the convicted are named Bush, or Gonzales, or Cheney. Italian courts are also considering putting out international arrest warrants to capture the men. Someone want to roll up a copy of this news and hit the President and the Attorney General over the head with it?

Democrats’ healthcare bill would pay for ‘prayer’ treatment
Ahh Democrats, you could fuck up a one car funeral. Sure, you can't get a good health care bill passed and something simple like a woman have rights over her own body is going to prove to be a challenge, but you can make sure that the bill lets charlatans get money from the government by making "prayer treatments" actual medical expenses. Didn't you get the memo: prayer is basically most people's health care system of choice right now, and it's not because they want it that way. Do you think, maybe, we could just take that money and spend it on, I don't know, something that will actually improve the health of people or drive down medical costs? Or, we could just flush the money down the toilet in deference to the alligator god, who will in turn reward us with a healthy harvest. Doesn't that sound good?

Russia Leads Nuclear Space Race After U.S. Drops Out
Russia is seeking to take the lead in awesome when it has a $600 million nuclear spaceship flying into obit by 2012. Meanwhile the US is still dicking around with rocket fuel. This should allow the Russians to make their rockets twice as efficient and allow them to do longer and more elaborate deep space exploration and missions. We, on the other hand, will fart around in low orbit while Richard Branson and his Virgin: Galactic space tourists get within "flipping the bird" distance at us. The article also has an interesting history of nukes and space, if you wish to sigh at the path not traveled.

Flu fears help Clorox sales
Well at least this pandemic is making someone money, you know, other than the vaccine companies and the conspiratorial conglomerate of Nancy Pelosi/Barack Obama/the Bilderburg Group/the Secret Society of Jewish Bankers/the Yankees/Freemasons who created the disease for their own socialist political ends. Yes, bleach sales are driving a stock spike for Clorox as worried and paranoid parents buy it by the pallet to marinate their pork in it, make their kids drink it, and obsessively and compulsively wash their countertops with it in order to protect themselves from Porcine AIDS. It won't work, they'll all be dead while the last remnants of us fight it out in Boulder and Vegas, but it's nice that Clorox, as well as the makers of Glaad bags and Brita filters have profited in this time of irrational flu panic.

A Material Based on Sharkskin Stops Bacterial Breakouts
How badass are sharks? Even their skin pattern kicks the living fuck out of weak ass bacteria. That's right, using a sharkskin pattern on a protective film cuts the rate of disease and bacteria spreading because those rotten little microbes can't attach themselves to the sharkskin pattern. How slick is sharkskin? Scientifically speaking: slicker than greased goose shit. A man with a PhD said that, honest.

Cheap Blogging Crutch 10.01

E.P.A. Moves to Curtail Greenhouse Gas Emissions
Tired of waiting for Congress to get off its fat asses and make an attempt to bungle climate legislation while it's bungling health care legislation, President Obama decided that "Hey, maybe I should use the agencies and laws I already have to do it." Brilliant stroke of genius, Barry. And so he did, enabling the EPA to menace free enterprise and business with the application of its dirty laws and legally mandated oversight. Hopefully soon, Congress will come up with a terrible climate change bill so that we can circumvent all this nastiness and get back to what's important: letting industry pollute without any enforcement of actual laws.

Reality Check: Trying to Turn a Point of Pride into a Moment of Shame
Ahh, the White House has finally snapped and started using its web-based blog bully pulpit to go after professional liars like Glenn Beck. What was it that set the White House off? Death panels? FEMA re-education camps? Was Beck trying to blame his 1990 rape and murder of a young girl on the Administration? No....*sighs*, Beck complained about efforts to win the Olympics for the US. And he used lies so minor, they basically count as Beck attempting to tell the truth. Yeah, this was the one you really needed to combat, White House.

Credit Rating Agency Analysts Covering AIG, Lehman Brothers Never Disciplined
Oh my star and garters. You're telling me that the concept of accountability that doesn't exist in banks or financial markets, doesn't exist in the businesses that rate them? But really, one does have to be shocked that the Government is mad at the A and AA ratings that Moody's Standard and Poor's, and Fitch's handed out. I mean an A or AA rating, in the fantasy financial world where everything is rated AAA, is the equivalent of a D- or F+ in the real world. Why should anyone be fired over not seeing the imminent collapse of some of the the largest financial institutions in the world? That's why pencils have trillion dollar erasers.

Tamiflu in Rivers Could Breed Drug-Resistant Flu Strains
OK, want to make sure that flu carrying animals aren't exposed to anti-virals flu medications and drug resistant flu strains aren't created? One simple step: if you take Tamiflu, afterward...never urinate. And especially don't urinate into a river. Tamiflu is expelled by urine, it gets into the water through sewage treatment plants, then into the rivers, then exposed to birds, then Captain Trips is created, then we're all caught up in an apocalyptic morality play as Boulder, Colorado and Las Vegas engage in the final battle of good and evil after a superflu wipes out 99.9% of the world's population. Is this what you want? No? Good, don't pee.

Iran Meets U.S. and Allies for Nuclear Talks in Geneva
And so begins the long process in which the world tells Iran that it shouldn't try to make nukes "Because" and Iran looks at open threats of destruction coming at it from large and influential sectors of the US political establishment, threats of preemptive strikes from Israel, continued Middle Eastern conflict, the fact that it just suppressed it's own population and rigged an election, and the fact that back water shit states with deep terrorist ties, like Pakistan for instance, are immediately treated with respect, dignity, and showered with billions just because they developed a nuke, and says "Wait, why should I listen to you guys?" It'll be great.

Weekend video/Pandemic scare mongering

Via Wired Science and the sciencey sounding paper “Reconstructing the initial global spread of a human influenza pandemic: A Bayesian spatial-temporal model for the global spread of H1N1pdm” by Andrew Rambaut, Philippe Lemey and Marc Suchard, comes this look at how the global Mexican pig cabals spread their H1N1 Captain Trips-esque superflu. The videos could use some ominous music, perhaps the Imperial March, Flight of the Valkyries or something from the Omen. Still, this does teach us two important things. One: We're all going to die. Two: We need to stop pigs from purchasing airplane tickets.

The pig flu in photos

via the Big Picture

So we aren't going to all die?

I'm confused here. I, along with the national media, have been fearmongering my heart out about the world's impending pig virus based death. Now today, instead of the WHO creating a 7th pandemic level and saying we've hit it, we have tax cheat Secretary Sebelius telling us not to worry. To be cautiously optimistic. That Obama's secret fire based razing of Mexico has seemingly kept Porcine AIDS out of our precious American air. The only guy left who wants to ratchet up panic is the UK's chief medical officer. But all he can seem to do is promise a nebulous future outbreak that'll totally be worse. He basically shares Sebelius' optimism. How disappointing.

The swine flu virus could turn out to be less severe than previously feared, the US government said today.

Kathleen Sebelius, making her first speech as the US health secretary, said: "We are cautiously optimistic that what we are seeing right now is presenting itself as a much milder virus than the initial cases that presented themselves in Mexico."

But the British government's chief medical officer, Sir Liam Donaldson, today warned it would be "premature" to assume the virus was a mild infection.
...
Donaldson predicted that a second, larger wave of infections could be expected during the usual flu season in the autumn and winter.

Promises, promises. At the very least we can hang our hat on the fact that Sebelius is saying we should be optimistic that the virus that came across the border was a mutated, weaker form of the Mexican version. That does give us some shred of hope that the worse version can jump over.

How many times are we going to dodge the apocalypse? The financial crisis seems to not be wholly devouring society. Health officials are optimistic about the flupocalypse. That giant meteor missed Earth. Hamas is talking about a two-state solution. Our only hope is that sharks start to eat swimmers en masse as the summer starts up. Otherwise we're going to have to start planning for the future. Until 2012. Then it's over for real.

PSA

No worries, President Obama has deployed a late 70's Green Bay Packers safety tandem to fight Porcine AIDS. We're safe...for now.

Unless they get drawn in by a play action from the Swine Flu, leaving them vulnerable to a deep attack up the middle. Then we're fucked, unless the nickel corner can man up and keep pace with the Pig AIDS the Mexicans lined up in the slot. Actually, you really need to read Vince Lombardi's On Defense and Influenza Type A Pandemics to fully understand what we're dealing with and the only way we have of combating our imminent mucousy death.

Broken In Brief: Fashion industry unveils lines of designer flu masks

MILAN—In what is sure to be the hot new trend of the season, designers at the 2009 Vogue Medical Fashion Expo unveiled their new lines of designer flu masks and protective breathing apparati to the world’s celebrity and fashion elite.

“I just didn’t think we’d see this trend brought back so soon. It seems so 2003,” said American Vogue editor André Leon Talley, referring to the 2003 SARS outbreak. “But suddenly the WHO issues a couple of warnings, a complicit media encouraged popular paranoia, and we have our new trend. Creatively it smacks of the back end leading the front, but these are the sort of things one must sacrifice to look fabulous and free from a H1N1 subtype of the Influenza A virus.”

Among the highlights were a black N95 95% efficiency medical mask with an embossed gold Gucci logo on it, a diamond encrusted gas mask from Damien Hirst, and Louis Vuitton combo of a tan leather ASTM D 6319 standard Nitrilite exam gloves cleverly paired with a cream colored take on the famous Moldex® 2207 Alternate shape dust/mist respirator that, upon closer inspection, included a subtle pink pig pattern.

“It's the sort of detached whimsy one would expect from the world's leading designers,” observed Marissa Florentine, a fashion reporter for the New England Journal of Medical Respiratory Technology. “The sort of thing that says ‘I won’t be caught dead watching the poorer classes get caught dead in anything other than the most expensive, and therefore best, flu mask.’ Not only are they fashionable, they’re just the thing that will protect you after you fire your maid staff for being from the wrong hemisphere.”

According to fashion insiders, most designers hope to have these masks into upscale boutiques before the impending flu pandemic starts ravaging the poverty stricken population of the nations where said products are manufactured.

Blame Mexico

I'm surprised it took a week to put together clips of the right wing media blaming Mexicans and illegal immigrants (in conjunction with the Council of Evil Wizened Pigs) for waging a bioterrorism attack against us. Maybe this was just the stuff they said on Monday. We're through the looking glass people, flu zombie armies are being sent across the border because they hate our freedom. Why couldn't we have listened to Michael Savage and Neil Boortz when we had the chance?

He's so helpful at reducing panic

God love Joe Biden. When sent out to reassure people the the flupocalypse wasn't about to kill all their weak children and elderly relatives, he proceed to decide that Barry calmed too many people down last night and it was up to old Joe to get them properly panicked about their imminent death.

Vice President Joe Biden says he's advising his own family to avoid "confined places" -- to stay off commercial airlines and even subways -- because of the new swine flu.

Biden said Thursday if one person sneezes on a confined aircraft, "it goes all the way through the aircraft." Going beyond official advice from the federal government, Biden said of his family's personal precautions: "That's me."

Asked on NBC's "Today" show whether the government should close the border with Mexico to try to slow the spread of the flu, Biden says health authorities advise that would be impractical because the swine flu has already spread to the U.S. and several other nations. Instead, he says people should focus on confined places where the flu could spread quickly, such as airplanes, malls and classrooms.

"I'll tell you what Matt Lauer, all public transportation and places where people congregate are flu incubating death traps where you are 100% guaranteed to catch swine flu. No Biden will die like a dog in one of those disease pits. In fact, I'm advising the American populace start wearing full protective gear and gasmasks when they go out to prevent the spread. Also, I would advise that you shoot first and ask questions later when encountering anyone of the Mexican or 'Tejano' persuasion. Or anyone who looks too tan. They're carriers. Eliminate them. One shot to the head, that's the only way to kill them. But, you know, don't panic or anything. We've got it all under control."

Joe, what would we do without you? Besides not break into a panic when we're indoors or on some form of transportation.

In case you were wondering

In case you're wondering where we are in this whole Porcine AIDS/the Stand crisis: we're right after the credits. The disease has already escaped from the secret government facility in Mexico, crows are already mockingly pecking at our toys, and we're right at the pre-solo bridge in Don't Fear the Reaper. Grab your deaf friend and make for Boulder.

About that whole Porcine AIDS thing...

Whilst trolling the Townhall message boards for Tennessee undergrads looking to pull a Specter, I stumbled across the Cliffs Notes to Matthew's "Happy Good Fun Time Guide to the Flupocalypse."

Count the beans, load the shotgun, bolt the door, and read them HERE.

Okay........panic

World Health Organization Raises Swine Flu Alert Level

The World Health Organization raised the alert level of the fast-spreading swine flu virus on Wednesday afternoon, indicating that a “pandemic is imminent,” on the day that a Mexican toddler who had been hospitalized in Houston became the first person to die from the disease on United States soil.

Dr. Margaret Chan, the director general of the organization, said that the “phase 5” alert out of a possible 6 levels signified that at least two countries have spread the virus by human to human contact, and that the highest phase 6 was probably imminent.

“It is really all of humanity that is under threat during a pandemic,” Dr. Chan said. “We do not have all the answers right now. But we will get them.”

For those of you playing at home, the six alert levels are:

• Phase 1: Ma, the animals are coming down with something!
• Phase 2: I think I done got what Bessie and the livestock done got
  
• Phase 3: Quit whining and wipe your nose, it's all under control
• Phase 4: Oh...uh *tugging at collar nervously* I didn't expect the disease to jump countries so fast
  
• Phase 5: Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit! Wereallgonnafuckingdie!
  
• Phase 6: The Stand
  

Yeah, so uh, really good news. I wish you all the best as you try to fight this...near pandemic...of.....killer...I WON'T DIE LIKE THE REST OF YOU!!!!! *sound of frantic running, large vault door opening, large vault door closing and hermetically sealing, and muffled weeping*

Daily aggregation of Michelle Bachmann's retardation

Because she is an adult of the highest order, Michelle Bachmann decided to take this opportunity of a Mexican outbreak of the swine flu to do what all really smart people do: find the highest ranking Democrat and blame it all on them.

Minnesota Republican Rep. Michele Bachmann, following Rush Limbaugh's cue, suggested on Tuesday that President Obama was to blame for the swine flu crisis. She went even farther than the talk show host, implying that swine flu epidemics are a Democratic phenomenon that dates back to President Carter.

"I find it interesting that it was back in the 1970s that the swine flu broke out then under another Democrat president Jimmy Carter. And I'm not blaming this on President Obama, I just think it's an interesting coincidence."

Oh how brave of her. She doesn't actually have the guts to say it, but she just wants to heavily imply it. Of course, like always, he quick rush to use her deeply researched scientific/historical revelation to blame everything on the Demmycrats and socialism wasn't based anywhere within the realm of the factual. Other than blaming something that was started in Mexico by pigs on Obama (he's an Indonesian Muslim human, not a Mexican pig, remember?), it was actually Gerald Ford who was President when the last swine flu outbreak happened. I'm not saying she's the country's dumbest elected official, I'm just think it's an interesting coincidence she can't seem to get anything right, yet keeps talking.

In another victory for intelligence, John Boehner decided to create the House GOP American Energy Solutions Group, a comically named group that is going to pretend a return to using whales for oil will solve everything. Of course he named Michelle Bachmann to the group, because what better way to signal to the voters that you're serious about tackling energy problems and clean/green energy by making sure an avid global warming denier who continually lies about energy and the environment is front and center.

"[T]here isn’t even one study that can be produced that shows carbon dioxide is a harmful gas. There isn’t one such study because carbon dioxide is not a harmful gas, it is a harmless gas. Carbon dioxide is natural. It is not harmful. It is part of Earth’s life cycle." [4/22/09]

"And the science indicates that human activity is not the cause of all this global warming. And that in fact, nature is the cause, with solar flares, etc." [3/22/09]

"[Pelosi] is committed to her global warming fanaticism to the point where she has said that she's just trying to save the planet. ... We all know that someone did that over 2,000 years ago, they saved the planet -- we didn't need Nancy Pelosi to do that." [8/12/08]

"The big thing we are working on now is the global warming hoax. It’s all voodoo, nonsense, hokum, a hoax." [3/15/08]

Why wouldn't you want this bright mind making energy policy? At the very least this energy solutions group will make for entertaining fodder. Right after fellow committee members John Shikmus declares CO2 caps as "war on plant food" or an "assault on democracy" and Mike Pence calls caps a "declaration of economic war on the Midwest", Michelle can jump in and say we've angered the Carbon God and must sacrifice livestock to make restitution. It's a solution. It counts.

That's one solution

Egypt MPs seek 'immediate death' for nation's pigs

Egypt's lower house of parliament called on Tuesday for the nation's 250,000 pigs to be killed immediately because of fears over the spread of swine flu, state news agency MENA reported.

"The People's Assembly urged the government to immediately start culling pigs and not to relocate pig-breeding farms away from residential areas for fear of the spread of swine flu," MENA said.

Egypt's 80-million population consists mainly of Muslims, whose religion forbids them from eating pork, as well as an estimated six to 10 percent Christian Copts who may eat pig meat.

Yeah, I guess that's one way to 'solve' everything. Except that the disease already jumped over to humans if in fact pigs are to blame. The problem already happened and now it's humans carrying the disease that are the ones who spread it. Banning travel to/from countries already in the throes of the flupocalypse would be preferable to pig genocide.

But seriously, how hard are Muslim countries laughing now? First capitalism bent us over and went through our pockets, now our love of bacon and pork chop sandwiches will catch us all our mucousy death. They've been warning about pigs for years. No swine for breakfast, no swine on their cheeseburgers, no bacon bits in their hummus, no huge factory pig farms, no swine flu. Live and learn, I guess. Or learn and then quickly die of the swine flu, as the case may be.

Perspective

Swine flu/H1N1/Captain Trips global pandemic flupocalypse: 159 suspected deaths

Regular, unpigged, normal good ole fashioned American flu: 20,000 flu related deaths in an average flu season

So, you know, not exactly the greatest threat to humanity....yet. On the pants shitting side, the H1N1 Influenza A subtype also puts this swine flu outbreak in the same category as the Spanish flu that killed 50-100 million.