Cheap Blogging Crutch 07.29

WWII... exactly as it happened.

When you look at the financial crisis, the BP oil spill, and various problems over the last decade, is the problem you see one of too much government regulations? If so, get checked for a concussion or some other form of massive brain bleeding. On the other hand, you'll be really receptive to the GOP platform. John Boehner is proposing what he calls the REINS Act (Regulations from the Executive In Need of Scrutiny), which effectively subjects every regulatory action that costs over $100 million to Senate filibuster. I mean a Senate vote. Which effectively means any decent regulatory structure will be tied up in an unending morass of Senatorial hubris. But on the bright side, allowing industry to run unchecked hasn't resulted in a major catastrophe in the last week. That's got to be some sort of a record. Good luck, GOP.

I'm going to have to get up off the fainting couch, but I'm fairly sure our government actually made a semi-progressive and intelligent step forward in the farcical War on Drugs. Finally noting and changing the sentencing disparity between crack and powdered cocaine and realizing how that affected sentencing disparities between blacks and whites, poor and rich. It must have been purely accidental on the part of lawmakers and I'm sure they'll get around to correcting it once someone explains to them what they did. Now, if we can just get them to accidentally make progress on marijuana laws and the entirety of the War on Drugs....

So our appointed better, the Pay Czar, has taken a look at the wanton cash grabbing and money fights our corporate masters have been getting into and has deemed their pay practices lacking. So let's see, he finds that 17 financial firms that have been bailed out are also engaging in pay practices that are "ill-advised" and "exhibited bad judgment". So what's he going to do? Nothing, of course. Theorizing that going after such money would have been contrary to the public interest. Of course. So... all you're telling us is big financial giants are fucking around and getting rich off our dime? We already knew that! The point of a Pay Czar was to find out to what extent and do something about it. Oh sorry, he offered up some voluntary guidelines that they may or may not choose to follow. My bad. Everything's fixed now. Sorry to sound like I was complaining.

In the fight over immigration, many have been appalled at some of the tactics that states like Arizona have taken and the lengths to which supporters of Arizona's laws have gone to justify them. But that's before we learned one important fact: the Bible is for busting in the heads of Mexican interlopers. Yea and the Lord said unto Zedekiah "Them fucking' Mexicans are taking our jobs. Roust them the fuck out of here." It's in Paul's Letters to the Thessalonian John Birch Society. Sure, but what does God think about excessive government regulation?

In This is Kind of Interesting News, Chicago Mag has a story by Myra Daniels on her husband, sixties ad man Draper Daniels, the inspiration for Mad Men's Don Draper. While it does provide a good look into how the ad business worked back then, there's no word if Daniel's life and emotional state oddly synced up with the prevailing political and historical changes of the time. I'd like to read about the proto-Sterling, but that man probably drank himself to death in the fifties.

The sham that is Glenn Beck and those phony buy Gold/"Gold coins are the only way to protect yourself from the black President's inflation" companies... in graphic form. This is why I store my money under my mattress. Or I would if I had any money. Or a mattress.

For the child at heart: photoshops of the Pope in a hat.

The plot thickens

Look, we all know that Arizona had to get it's border in order by arresting anyone who is suspected of enjoying Tecate and Corona unironically. I mean after all, these Mexicans are not only almost all drug mules, but they're beheading each other in the desert in scenes that would make Cormac McCarthy grimace. So says AZ Governor Jan Brewer, who sticks by her story no matter how many media outlets say she tells insane lies or that she's an insane liar.

But Brewer has only uncovered the tip of the Latino spear. Rep. Sue Myrick (R-NC), the ranking GOP member of the House Intelligence Subcommittee on Intelligence Community Management who would become the chairwoman if Republicans take back the House, has found an even more sinister plot. By "found" I do mean "imagined". But the thought of it did give her the vapors so hard that it's practically the same as the truth.

MYRICK: Well the thing that concerns me, and you mentioned this briefly, Iran is working with Venezuela. And they’re transiting through Venezuela, taking Spanish for maybe six months. They’re getting the false documents that they need, coming up through Mexico and if they’re stopped, they just say well I’m Spanish. And it, oh I mean Mexican...
...
And the other thing that we’re seeing, and we’re seeing it in your state in particular in the prisons is Farsi tattoos. Farsi is basically a Persian language, which Iran is, and we know we’ve seen Arabic tattoos in our prisons for a long time, but we haven't seen Farsi tattoos in a long time.

That cinches it! Iran and Venezuela are working together to subvert our borders and fill up our prisons! Those prisons are for black people, Iran and Venezuela, not fake Mexicans with Farsi tattoos!

Once these Iranian agents learn the secret of our prisons, our fruit and vegetable picking operations, how to get building work standing out in front of the Home Depot, and low paid child care... my God, they'll be unstoppable. You know, as long as their obvious Farsi tattoos (that probably say "secret agent" in foreignese) don't blow their secret status. But Rep. Myrick is on to you, Iranezuela Global Conspiracy!

I think it's clear what we need to do here. 100 foot wall across the border? Sure. But we need to fear the Latino! When they aren't beheading people to steal the drugs they're smuggling, they're stealing our freedom and sending it back to Mexico, and engaging in terrorist conspiracies with Muslims. Fear the Hispanic. And, for good measure, the Gypsies, Homosexuals, and the Jews. But mostly the Mexicans and fake-Mexican Venezuelan Iranians. It's the only way we'll be safe from the imaginations of Republican border governors and Republican Intel Committee members who should both theoretically know better.

Cheap Blogging Crutch 07.02

Zombie Meat. For when you want a blue peppered jerky snack that makes it seem like you're eating the flesh on a re-animated dead body.

In America Has An Awful News industry news, Adam Serwer goes into detail about how waterboarding moved from being "clearly torture" to "erm..... *clears throat, tugs at collar* a matter.... of.. debate?" in the New York Times during the Bush Administration because of politics and GOP messaging. It turns out that high level journalistic arts requires giving credence to both sides of an issue, even if there aren't two sides and one is just craven ass-covering.

Think Progress compiles a list of Senators who not only have successfully blocked extending unemployment benefits, pretty much the least thing we can do to combat the bad job market, but have also essentially helped block doing anything substantial about jobs. What's so great about this list? They all come from states with double digit unemployment that is much higher than the national average. Hey, when you're trying to sink the economy further to help your electoral prospects in November, you can't be concerned with little things like people or people who elected you.

Now we know why Arizona had to enact that Walking While Latino law. Apparently there are roving gangs of crazed illegal immigrants decapitating law abiding citizens. So says Governor Jan Brewer. Some liberals, media types, Latino groups, and people with common sense say that this is a completely fabricated lie intended to scaremonger about the Mexicanos, but I don't know; illegal Latin guillotine gangs sounds so plausible. Maybe this is a new breed of Mexican coming here searching for a job and a head (or cabesa as they call it). No dice, Pablo, those jobs and heads are ours.

Scientists believe they have found the earliest known form of complex cellular life: weird scallop things that are 2.1 billion years old. Do you know how they figure out how old the organism was? It was carrying an ancient bible and they just added up all the ages of the people inside it.

The Amazing Kreskin has offered up his services to the Pittsburgh Pirates, saying that unless they hire him they'll continue to lose for at least two more years and he'd offer his help to stop their 18-year losing streak. Unless Kreskin can go a solid 7 every five days and keep his ERA under 3 or has some serious gap power, I don't think he can do much for us. Unless he has no ethical qualms about hypnotizing Bob Nutting into committing suicide. Plus, the Bucs would never hire him; they can't lowball him in arbitration or trade him for several middling mentalist prospects.

In Rich People Have Too Much Money news, a Russian billionaire has commissioned an Australian goldsmith to create a $21,000 golden diamond encrusted vuvuzela. *dusts hands off* God, send the meteors, I think we've clearly bottomed out as a society.

Razing Arizona

If you've been wondering how Arizona could get even classier and find a way to top its "HEY! YOU LOOK MEXICAN!" law, they're here to tell you they've finally thought of it. You know how we all hate the Constitution? You're in luck, Arizona does too.

Buoyed by recent public opinion polls suggesting they're on the right track with illegal immigration, Arizona Republicans will likely introduce legislation this fall that would deny birth certificates to children born in Arizona — and thus American citizens according to the U.S. Constitution — to parents who are not legal U.S. citizens. The law largely is the brainchild of state senator Russell Pearce, a Republican whose suburban district, Mesa, is considered the conservative bastion of the Phoenix political scene.
...
But the likely new bill is for the kids. While SB1070 essentially requires of-age migrants to have the proper citizenship paperwork, the potential "anchor baby" bill blocks the next generation from ever being able to obtain it. The idea is to make the citizenship process so difficult that illegal immigrants pull up the anchor and leave.
...
But that was 1868. Today, Pearce says the 14th Amendment has been "hijacked" by illegal immigrants. "They use it as a wedge," Pearce says.

Ah yes, the quintessentially American state of mind that causes us to see our laws and way of life as under an imaginary threat ("The Mexicans is takin' over illegally!") and then go about dismantling those freedoms, undermining that way of life, and violating our laws in order to "protect" ourselves. This time that onerous 14th Amendment has to go. Just who does that legal document outlining the supreme law of the United States think it is?

So head back to Mexico illegals and take your US citizen children with you. The Governor says so. Stop plaguing us with the "wrong" and "immoral" ways in which you situation confiens to our Constitution. What did your children do to deserve to be citizens anyway? It's not like they did what Governor Brewer and Rep. Pearce did to become citizens: be born white and then act with a smug sense of entitlement that they "earned" their natural born citizenship.

So eat it, Mexicans and the Constitution. Mexicans, sure, your US born kids might be US citizens, but consider this your first lesson in the way American works: our laws usually have tons of wiggle room when it comes to "the tans" and "the darks". Teach your kids that... from Guadalajara. And to the Constitution, sure we may bleat on and on about how you're the supreme law of the land, but that's only when you don't piss off right wing white people and their attempts to demonize minorities for naked political purposes. Then you're an onerous burden. Shape up or we'll start ignoring you on even more stuff besides the 14th amendment and all the war on terror/spying stuff. Get it straight.

TB Vacation Guide

It's summer! And with the ball sweltering heat comes weddings for couples who are inconsiderate to the plight of people in suits standing outside on a 90 degree day. Maybe you're one of those couples. So of course the question arises "Where should we spend out honeymoon?" or, if you're a true blooded American, "Where should me and the boys go for the bachelor party?" Well, have you ever considered a trip to beautiful Arizona? What will you do there? Would you be interested if I said "Whomp on fuckin' beaners who try to sneak over the border just because they want a better life for their families!"? Of course you would. Luckily there's a contest you can enter for this dream vacation.

In response, a local radio station launched a contest to send a listener to Phoenix to “spend a weekend chasing aliens“:

610 WTVN would like to send you where Americans are proud and illegals are scared, sunny Phoenix, Arizona! You’ll spend a weekend chasing aliens and spending cash in the desert, just make sure you have your green card!

Good luck and I hope it's the trip of your dreams. If you're down there, can I ask you keep on the lookout for this Dora character? She claims she's an "Explorer" but that's just an excuse to traipse across our border. And that monkey she pals around with has gotta be all kinds of fucking illegal.

This puppet hates Mexicans

You know this immigration situation in Arizona is a difficult one. A day doesn't go by where Sean or I doesn't hear someone ask "I know that illegal immigration is a problem, but I'm not sure about this Arizona law. Is there something that could explain this to me in an insulting manner... as if I were a stupid child?"

Well, what would you say to a video put up by Arizona Governor Jan Brewer in which a singing frog hand puppet essentially calls you a dumb douche for not getting on board with the "All Mexicans Are Suspects" Law?



Ehhhh. I'd be more convinced if they used a cartoon hippo rapping about sharing. But it'll have to do. I'm sold. No one who could have read the law could possibly be against it.

Keep on staying classy, Arizona

Pop quiz, hotshot. How do you know someone is a fierce advocate for Constitutional rights?

Well, for one, they're probably shouting it at the top of their lungs. Secondly, if they're a lawmaker, they're shouting it right in the moments before they try to do something grossly and nakedly unconstitutional.

In this case, our example comes from the Great State of Arizona. "Great" being infused with all the sarcasm and bile I can possibly muster, which is considerable. You remember Arizona, right? In order to protect themselves from Santa Anna's new covert invasion and protect the Constitution that Jesus died writing, they passed a law basically saying they could stop anyone for anything and then demand they prove citizenship or face jail and deportation. You know, like our founding fathers intended.

They followed that up with an attempt at some small bore racism against Mexicanos by prohibiting ethnic studies classes and proclaiming that people with accents couldn't teach English classes. Because I think that they think what you learn in High School English is actually how to speak English and not how to get by without fully reading the ultra-gay books of Salinger, Shakespeare, and Chaucer.

So it's with those two laws in mind that the architect of the immigration one deciding that in order to protect the United States of Freedom and the Constitution, he had to declare war on America's newest enemy: babies. Freeloading babies.

A Phoenix news station (KPHO) is reporting that the state Senator behind Arizona’s new immigration law, Russell Pearce (R), does not intend on stopping at SB-1070. In e-mails obtained by the local CBS affiliate, Pearce said he intends to push for an “anchor baby” bill that would essentially overturn the 14th amendment by no longer granting citizenship to the children of undocumented immigrants born on U.S. soil.
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KPHO obtained a troubling email from one of Pearce’s constituents who is encouraging him to pursue the “anchor baby” legislation. KPHO reports:

One of the e-mails written by someone else but forwarded by Pearce reads: “If we are going to have an effect on the anchor baby racket, we need to target the mother. Call it sexist, but that’s the way nature made it. Men don’t drop anchor babies, illegal alien mothers do.” [...]

Pearce said his new idea is not only legal but constitutional. “It’s common sense,” Pearce said.

This law that he says is Constitutional is otherwise known as completely violating the 14th Amendment. You know, the one where it says you're a citizen if you're born here. Who can be bother with reading the fine print on an Amendment? There's Mexicans tunneling under the border to pick strawberries! Our way of life is being threatened!

But I think we all understand where Pearce is coming from. I mean these Mexican babies haven't done all the hard work to be an American that Pearce and his fellow Arizona GOP members did when they were born: namely being born white. I mean if these Latino babies were smart and truly worthy of being Americans, they would have known better than to have been born Latino. It's common sense.

So congrats to Arizona. You've moved beyond merely violating the spirit of the Constitution to assuage your right wing rage at the brown people and gone straight to picking out specific amendments you wish to violate. Well done. Toss those babies over the border, no matter what that 14th Amendment say. If it was meant to be taken seriously they would have placed it higher than 14th. Keep on stayin' classy.

Awwww

According to Sarah Palin "We're all Arizonans now". Which I guess means we all just a tad racist and prefer our cut rate immigration laws to to have the illusion of doing something while adding that special 1930's German tinge that most of our laws are lacking. Hell, we were forced to legalize racial profiling and authorize police to demand your papers and violate the Constitution. You know, because... uhhh... of those... I'm not sure, but I bet the answer is because of Hollywood liberals in Washington.

So, since we're all living just outside Tempe now, I guess we don't find things like this all that funny.

The City of Phoenix -- a convention hot-spot -- is facing a "near economic crisis" caused by lost revenue stemming from organizations canceling events in response to Arizona's controversial immigration law, according to its mayor.
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"We have an image and public-relations problem of what might be unprecedented proportions," Krietor told the Arizona Republic.

Haw-Haw. Esto es increíblemente divertida. Maybe things will get so bad that Mexico will have to build a wall to keep Phoenix city government officials from trying to sneak over to find work in a city government that has an operating budget.

Sadly this isn't a reality yet, only an early projection based on some early cancellations. But, they estimate that the city could easily lose $90 million this year just because a few conventions might go "maybe tying our event to a hostile political battle and a seemingly racist state isn't the best thing for the International Convention of Dental Drill Assemblers right now... we've been through too much already."

But already the state and the law supporters are crying foul and getting angry about various boycotts. See, this is a freedom of speech/state sovereignty issue. See, they have the freedom to do whatever they want and no matter how morally/ethically/legally/socially reprehensible you find it, you are required to keep money flowing into their state. There's no backlash allowed. That's how freedom works.

So if you can get over Sarah Palin retroactively reassigning your birth to a small hospital just outside of Nogales and the Arizona pride/Mexican revulsion flowing through your veins, take time to pause and laugh at the Copper State. They honestly didn't see stuff like this coming.

Sunday Marching Orders

It's time for one of my favorite activities on this blog. No, not plumbing some new depth that our American political or news system has sunk to while adding in a snarky remark and a new curse word I learned. No, that's what the weekdays are for. The weekends are for me demanding that you do things; namely read.

Some would say these are articles of extreme importance. Others would say this is just a bunch of shit I'm putting up because it is clogging up my bookmarks folder. Who is to say who is right? Well, the latter are. But there is an extremely important reason I haven't been able to put these up before, namely... uhhh.... important... constraints... on my... time. Not extreme laziness. So away we go.

The Gang That Couldn't Shoot Straight
What if I were to tell you that we've spent six billion on the Afghan National Police force and they're grossly incompetent and unable to even do a fraction of their jobs? You'd probably say that you're surprised we were able to keep that waste of money under $10 billion. I agree. Why are they so awful? A myriad of reasons, but at least in this case it isn't because they're spending all their money on magic bomb detecting wands. Yet.

White House access is a jackpot for reporters
Want to know why White House coverage has become so uniformly terrible over the past decade? Mostly because the reporters covering the beat try to cozy up to insiders in order to get good gossip... for their "insider" "tell-all" books. Glenn Greenwald looks at how "journalist" really isn't the proper term for these people.

Building a Green Economy
Paul Krugman on what it would take to actually build a green economy and move toward greener energy. The article didn't start with the phrase "seal up most of the energy executives and lobbyists up in a coal mine along with a large chunk of our elected betters" so I don't know how seriously Krugman's article can be taken.

Copenhagen destroyed by Danish draft leak, says India's environment minister
If you were wondering how the Copenhagen climate conference came to be such a complete misfire that failed to make any serious progress on environmental issues, the Guardian has a rundown. Apparently it was petty infighting, aggrieved egos, childish power struggles, and comical shortsightedness beating out serious long term planning for a clearly foreseen problem. Who could have ever foreseen? It's only like the 7,435th time in a row a major global problem was ever dealt with like like that.

Gang Moves 1,800 Lb Of Coke In Fake Dakar Rally Truck
If you ever wondered why the state of Arizona has to whomp on Latinos with a healthy dose on un-Constitutional actions, it's because of stuff lie this. We can't even trust the validity of entrants in our beloved giant rally truck races. No, everyone is a suspect, even Latino rally trucks.

The Hidden Meaning of Lady Gaga’s “Telephone”
If you're like me, every time you see the Lady Gaga video for Telephone, you say to yourself "this is a clearly a thinly veiled guise for indoctrination from the Illuminati using Monarch Programming mind control and is chock full of secret hidden codes and symbols from both". Thankfully, someone else has agreed and put together a comprehensive analysis of all the ways the Illuminati are boring into your brain through a Lady Gaga video. One thing is clear: the song is not about a telephone or an annoying boyfriend who keeps calling. We're through the looking glass.

Timing is Everything

Machete has a message... for Arizona.

Los blowback

It's Cinco de Mayo today. What does that mean? More irritating ads for Corona beer. But it also means that Latino are really going to catch some shit from Arizona cops. Hell, some police might go into catatonic shock there will be so many people walking about that look suspicious and need to have their papers checked.

But the holiday is also a place for opponents of the state government's new found racism to make their own statement. And that includes the Phoenix Suns, currently embroiled in the NBA playoff contest against the Spurs. The team announced it would be wearing its "Los Suns" jerseys tonight and came out against the law.

The frustration with the federal government’s failure to deal with the issue of illegal immigration resulted in passage of a flawed state law. However intended, the result of passing this law is that our basic principles of equal rights and protection under the law are being called into question, and Arizona’s already struggling economy will suffer even further setbacks at a time when the state can ill-afford them.

Suns PG and all around decent human beingSteve Nash even came out with a statement:

"I think the law is very misguided. I think it is unfortunately to the detriment to our society and our civil liberties and I think it is very important for us to stand up for things we believe in," Nash said of the bill. "I think the law obviously can target opportunities for racial profiling. Things we don't want to see and don't need to see in 2010."

Well done, gentlemen. Though while I am no Spanish scholar, I do think the correct translation of "The Suns" into Mexicanese would be "Los Soles". The Spurs announced regretfully that they weren't informed in time to bring their own "Los Spurs" jerseys, so it will be a one team tribute. Again... "The Spurs" would be "Las Espuelas".

Poor translating aside, nice to see that large Arizona entities with important ties to the community are willing to take a stand. Unfortunately this will result in Canadian Nash, Argentinian Manu Ginobli, and Frenchman Tony Parker all being detained and deported before tip-off. Still, a stand must be made. Good luck, much success, and I hope the Suns can still run and gun with Nash being tossed over the Saskatchewan border with orders to never let his freewheeling passing, play-making, and clutch shot-making taint Arizona again. Fucking foreigners.

Cheap Blogging Crutch - 5.4.10

Welcome to your semi-daily assortment of linkage, hastily cobbled together by yours truly as Matthew continues to recover from the nasty bout of Syphilis Super AIDS that has crippled him for close to a week now. In lieu of flowers, we ask that you send stacks of unmarked, non-sequential bills to my attention, c/o Jon & John's House of Starchy Living and Temperance Den, Brooklyn, NY.

An adaption of Hunter S. Thompson's "Prisoner of Denver," which he co-wrote with Vanity Fair contributing editor Mark Seal, has been picked up for treatment by Motion Picture Corporation of America. Given the pace at which The Rum Diary adaptation has moved, "Prisoner of Denver" is set for release in the summer of 2028.

Phoenix Suns Managing Partner Robert Sarver announced that in protest of the new Arizona immigration law, his team will wear their "Los Suns" jerseys for tomorrow's Cinco de Mayo game against the San Antonio Spurs. No word yet on when Sarver will learn that the Spanish word for sun is "sol."

What I Wore narcissism fashion blogger, Jessica Schroeder, has landed a book deal with Random House imprint Ballantine. The literary community rejoiced at the news that pretty, self-involved, materialistic New York women will finally be represented in contemporary media.

Soothsayer Nate Silver over at fivethirtyeight updated his forecast for the upcoming UK election, predicting that Conservatives will win 308 seats. As an American, this means absolutely nothing to you. And they still haven't fixed Steve Coogan's mother's wall, the bastards.

Finally, on a happy note, Paul Rudd sweats funny.

Stay classy, Arizona immigration law supporters

If the Arizona immigration law that makes you a suspicious person if you're caught breathing while Latino, has been good for one thing: the comedy resulting from those who support the law. Not so much "funny ha-ha" comedy, but more of a "oh sweet merciful Christ, these are elected representatives... in America... in 2010" kind of funny.

Even worse on the unconformable comedy of awkward discomfort scale are the people who have viewed this law as a gaslight for them to rush out and espouse their brilliant ideas about ways in which this country can go further down into a racist hole with immigration laws. Take Iowa Republican (shocking) congressional candidate Pat Bertroche

“I think we should catch ’em, we should document ’em, make sure we know where they are and where they are going,” said Pat Bertroche, an Urbandale physician. “I actually support micro-chipping them. I can micro-chip my dog so I can find it. Why can’t I micro-chip an illegal?

“That’s not a popular thing to say, but it’s a lot cheaper than building a fence they can tunnel under,” Bertroche said.

Micro-chipping every illegal immigrant? You know, maybe Georgia was on to something with their crazy "no robit hunks in mah body" law. That being said, if we could catch every single illegal immigrant to the point where we could perform invasive microchipping surgery on them... wouldn't we just cart them over the border? I mean we go to all the trouble of catching them to scientifically experiment on them and we just release them back into the wild even though they're illegal? Methinks someone needs to mull over his "Mexicans are exactly like dogs" immigration plan.

But then there's Republican (shocking~!) Rep. Duncan Hunter the Younger of California, who isn't merely content to treat immigrants like stray dogs. No, he's got a better plan.

QUESTION: Would you support deportation of natural-born American citizens that are the children of illegal aliens?

HUNTER: I would have to, yes. [...] We simply cannot afford what we’re doing right now. California is going under. How much in debt are we? Twenty billion dollars? [...] And we’re not being mean, we’re just saying it takes more than just walking across the border to become an American citizen. It’s what’s in our souls.

Yeah, fuck them. Who ever said that being born here means you're a citizen? The 14th Amendment? Balderdash! Let's repeal it and start chucking American citizens who aren't sufficiently white over the border. Their souls aren't American.

But if advanced GPS tracking, a catch and release Latino program, or grossly violating the Constitution in the name of racial paranoia aren't your thing, have you thought of just claiming all your Latin opponents of wanting to cede American soil to Santa Anna and his Mexican hordes? Then get on board with Republican (shocker) Rep. Steve King (shocker) from Iowa (shocker).

I’m wondering if we look at the map of Congressman Grijalva’s congressional district if we haven’t already ceded that component of Arizona to Mexico judging by the voice that comes out of him, he’s advocating for Mexico rather than the United States and against the rule of law, which is one of the central pillars of American exceptionalism.

He is of course talking about Rep. Raul Grijalva, a Latino himself and Arizona representative, who decried the law and advocated that people boycott Arizona in response. Of course that means he doesn't sufficiently love America, is probably a Latin sleeper agent, hates the law, freedom, and baby eagles, and is probably the point man for the Mexican Reconquista movement. Aztlan!

So stay classy everyone. I know we all though that a re-fried bean swastika was about as low as the debate could sink. But we didn't count on the prides of Iowa and a second generation half-witted reactionary race-baiter deciding that this was the perfect opportunity to offer up their brilliant ideas on better ways to dehumanize entire swaths of the US population. Wonderful. It wells me up with so much pride for the country.

Headline of the day

Shakira Coming To Arizona To Investigate Immigration Law

I'm certain that if anyone will get to the bottom of the legality of this bill it's constitutional law scholar and international pop sensation Shakira. If there's anything this debate needed it was warbly singing in Spanish and English, belly dancing, and sexy zombie walking.

Oh Arizona, you thought you could get away with this and no one would object. But now you've brought down the wrath of Shakira. For your sake I hope she goes easy on you. You definitely don't want a internationally successful, genre crossing pop hit about how you're all a bunch of shitheads. So help you God if she brings along Wyclef or Beyonce.

He's not talking about Tila

If you're like me you've viewed the recent Arizona "Breathing While Latino"/"We Don't Want Any Tourists To Visit Here" immigration bill with one question burning in the back of your mind: what's a good semi-racist way to describe all the Latin citizens of Arizona and the rest of the country who are protesting this bill? Lucky for us the Washington Times came up with the answer tucked in amongst a hateful editorial that not only whitewashes (irony~!) the violence, low grade racism, and incitements to violence at Tea Parties but attempts to paint Latin opposition to the bill as some dangerous, undermining, hate America first attempt to Destroy The Freedoms.

Imagine a group of angry demonstrators toting swastika-festooned protest signs calling politicians Nazis, shouting obscenities and racial remarks and throwing rocks and bottles at police officers sent to keep order. No, these are not Tea Partiers. They are the mob that turned out last week to protest Arizona's new immigration-enforcement law. This group of liberal rowdies has been dubbed the Tequila Party.

The Tequila Party. Classy. Well, I guess there wasn't going to be any reasonable defense of the "Achtung! Show Me Your Papers" law, so why not just completely troll the bottom of the barrel?

Keep it up GOP. No blacks vote for you because of your response to civil rights... and the subsequent four decade period after, so why not try to alienate all the Latinos as well? I mean it's not like they're the fastest growing subset of this country, are they? No, disaffected, rural whites with persecution complexes are. That must be why you've cast your lot in so heavily with them. Good luck with all that.

The only tea that refreshes after a hard day of demanding a Mexican prove he's a citizen

The racially charged immigration laws of Arizona have claimed an innocent victim. No, not the basic notions of fairness, freedom, liberty, or America. And no, I'm not talking about some innocent Mexican guy who was imprisoned. Please, it's only been a few days, that won't be happening for at least another week or so. No, what I'm talking about is the innocent victims that just so happen to brew beverages that now bear the unfortunate scarlet letter of the state of Arizona.

Opponents of Arizona's new anti-immigrant law are calling for a boycott of the state's products - including the popular Arizona Iced Tea.
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Online, misguided tea fans vowed to switch to Lipton or Snapple.

"Dear Arizona: If you don't change your immigration policy, I will have to stop drinking your enjoyable brand of iced tea," Twittered Jody Beth in Los Angeles.

"It is the drink of fascists," wrote Travis Nichols in Chicago.

The problem? Arizona Ice Tea is brewed in New York and the makers of it only marginally hate Mexicans. It is however still the official drink of fascists and fascism. They signed a promotional sponsorship deal with Fascism in 2007 and it doesn't run out until 2014.

I mean if you do want to get outraged at innocent companies that just happened to be started by people living in a state controlled by right wing mental patients, you should point your rage at Cold Stone Creamery, U-Haul, and Best Western. Though if you do that just try and tell me who it is that will cart a storage truck full of German-chökolätekäke (kakke?) and Cheesecake Fantasy to your fleabag motel? Huh? Who?

I think people should stop getting mad at companies with 'Arizona' in the title, companies from Arizona, and various cacti and save their anger for the lawmakers who voted this in and the people who support it. Plus, we're missing what we should truly be mad about: the fact that Arizona's reality is killing Arizona based satire. Look, Mexico just released a travel warning for Mexicans vacationing or visiting in Arizona. That could have fueled a Broken In Brief piece at the very least! This is what we need to be pissed about: reality stealing the ideas of These Bastards. Which is horrifying, come to think of it.

Quote of the day

How racist is Arizona's new "You look Mexican, prove to me you're a citizen" law? Pretty racist. So racist in fact that it's making noted over the top Mexican hater Tom Tancredo ask the state to dial it back a notch. Tom "Our President is a socialist black elected by illiterate Negros" Tancredo. Tom "We need a new Jim Crow style poll tests" Tancredo. Tom "Sonia Sotomayor is part of the Latin KKK" Tancredo. "Tom "I see brown people" Tancredo. That guy thinks Arizona went too far.

But he questions how police can stop people for any reason. “I do not want people here, there in Arizona, pulled over because you look like [you] should be pulled over,” says Tancredo.

He suspects police in Arizona will only pull people over for breaking the law. But they could already do this before the new law.

Tancredo added that Arizona’s law is what happens when the federal government fails to act. “States eventually get to the point where if things get bad enough, they’ll take matters into their own hands,” he said. “They’ve taken what we can call an extreme measure.”

When your "bash the Mexicans"/hate immigrants/"We want to wrench the racism title away from the deep south" law makes even Tom Tancredo question the lengths it goes to, then you've traversed a racist bridge too far.

On the other hand, you do have people smearing refried bean swastikas onto the state Capitol's window, so maybe Arizonans don't feel the law goes far enough. Refried bean swastikas? Once again, America has proven it has no need for outside political satire of the kind practiced here, the country is doing quite fine providing its own.

Arizona gets right to it

Arizona immigration enforcement wasted no time in hunting down those menacing dirty illegal Mexican immigrants American citizens with drivers licenses and social security cards who just happen to have dark skin.

Abdon was told he did not have enough paperwork on him when he pulled into a weigh station to have his commercial truck checked. He provided his commercial driver’s license and a social security number but ended up handcuffed.
...
A representative at U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE) returned 3TV’s calls after researching the incident and she said this was standard operating procedure. [ed. emphasis]

And that's what worries me.

Humility defined

When last we saw Grampa Senator he was denying his maverickyness to the masses while losing ground in a primary to a certifiable loon.

So our shadow president went to Fox News to gain that momentum back, but even Fox News couldn't let that "I ain't no maverick and I never said I wuz dangblastit!" remark go. So Senator McCain decided to make things a whole lot clearer and, in the process, show great humility with the new nickname he devised for himself. Remember it now, he'll be disavowing it in a week.

WALLACE: You said, I never considered myself a maverick.

MCCAIN: Well, all I — what I was saying was that I have considered myself a person who’s a fighter. I wouldn’t be around today if I wasn’t a fighter. I fight for the things that I believe in, and sometimes that’s called a maverick. Sometimes that’s called a partisan. And people can draw their own conclusions. I prefer great American myself.

Ah yes, the true mark of a humble patriot: bestowing the title of Great American on oneself. I mean sure, we got used to this kind of thing when he declared himself the "Original Maverick"... except that the whole phrase, definition, and political connotation of 'maverick' comes from the last name of an actual guy, Texas legislator Samuel Maverick, but still. Plus it is a better nickname than the one Obama gave himself: God King of the United States, Woe Unto You Who Speaketh His Name.

So really, could you just stop calling him a maverick. One, he doesn't know where you even picked up that nonsense. Two, he'd much prefer Great American, or, if you'd prefer, Greatest American, or, better still, American So Great They Ought To Retroactively Put His Name on The Declaration of Independence. It's what he deserves to be called before he's forced to take up the moniker Private Citizen and Former Senator John McCain.

Don't use the M-word

Ahh, consider the fate of America's crotchety old grampa, John McCain. Once the standard bearer of his party's shitty standard he is now forced to duke it out in a GOP primary against a man who might be more retarded than the woman he picked to be his VP running mate. Which is saying something.

So now as he's forced to duke it out in a primary with a man who believes Obama is a Kenyan, the man/horse marriage is a grave threat, and was driven from office because of his ties to Jack Abramoff. And he's in danger of losing to him. So Grampa Walnuts is doing the kind of thing that only a man of his incredible integrity and dignity can do: tack as hard to the right as possible and virulently disavow the brand you've spent the past decade annoyingly cultivating. RIP Maverick.

John McCain — who built his political persona and his 2008 presidential campaign around the claim that he’s a “maverick” — told Newsweek recently: “I never considered myself a maverick.”

When POLITICO asked McCain about the contradiction at the Capitol this week, the Arizona Republican grew visibly irritated and snapped: “I’ve been called a thousand things. It’s absolutely ridiculous.”

He said 48 percent of the homeowners in his state are underwater on their mortgages. He said he’s always “done what’s best for my state and the nation.” Then he said it again, adding, “People can consider me whatever they want.”

And then he darted into the Senate chamber without explaining himself further.

That principle: getting elected by any means necessary while getting as much TV and media face time as can possibly be stained for himself and basking in the media adoration of being called a maverick. Which you aren't allowed to call him anymore.

Furthermore, he's not sure why anyone would even use that term to refer to him. I mean it's as if you go and spend the better part of several years, including a Presidential campaign, calling yourself that, calling your running mate that, noting how you're a team of that forbidden word, and constantly referring to yourself with that word so much that it became a running joke... well it's almost like people will keep using that word to describe you. The outrage! Don't they know he's not a maverick and has never heard the word before? He's a dyed in the wool Republican who would never shun the party for his own shallow political goals.

We'd just like to salute Senator McCain for hitting that final low point. We thought it came when he tarnished his entire reputation as a man of integrity an honor by running a third rate, gutter dwelling, half-witted campaign. No, it was when, in an attempt to beat a blithering idiot in a primary, he renounced the word and principles he practically tried to get people to use instead of his name.

Maybe there's a lower point, like running with Sarah Palin again or attempting to get votes by barking like a dog or being part of a County Fair dunktank in full clown make-up, but I don't see that happening. Unless JD Hayworth really looks like he's going to win. Then McCain might try to call himself the Original Hayworth and claim he has proof of Obama's Kenyan heritage. It's a complex process being the Man With The Most Integrity In Washington. The pressure is apparently getting to him. Let's hope he goes crazy in a more entertaining way than this.