Picture of the day

Via the Big Picture Blog comes more of the Eyjafjallajokull eruption. Look, I don't want to jump to any premature conclusions yet, but I think it's time to declare Europe a dead, ash strewn wasteland and move on with our lives in this post-Euro world. They had their run and God destroyed them because we passed health care reform. We mustn't be consumed with the past, consumed with the Europe that was. We must look to the future. We'll just wait for them to slowly die from the lack on sunlight and heat, then we'll send in looting teams to pick up ashy Mona Lisa's, statues, and the like. Win win.

Clicks embiggen. You know this.

Food, Inc. on PBS This Week

Food, Inc., Robert Kenner's brilliant 2008 documentary on America's corporate-controlled food industry, is premiering on PBS this Wednesday, April 21. If you are an American, and you eat food, you owe it to yourself to watch this film. From the PBS synopsis:

Featuring interviews with such experts as Eric Schlosser ("Fast Food Nation"), Michael Pollan ("The Omnivore's Dilemma") along with forward thinking social entrepreneurs like Stonyfield Farms' Gary Hirschberg and Polyface Farms' Joel Salatin, Food, Inc. reveals surprising — and often shocking truths — about what we eat, how it's produced, who we have become as a nation and where we are going from here.

Miss it not, kids. You'll thank me.

Tea baggers jump the crazy shark

We like taking the piss out of tea baggers. Why? It is literally the easiest thing in the world to do. Well, maybe beating an infant or kicking a three legged dog is easier, but where do you get the smug sense of self satisfaction in doing that? But it is true we do like to mock their ignorance, misspelled signs, bizarre conspiracy theories, low grade racism, lack of understanding of their own issues, and fevered insanity because, well, they're just resetting the bat on unintentional comedy each time out.

But today we must pause to note the time, date, and place where the Tea Party movement jumped the crazy shark so hard that we even have to step back a bit to make sure this just isn't some well executed satire or parody. Which, if you read this site, know that we are unable to execute or identify. Let us count the horrors.

Former Rep. Tom Tancredo (R-CO) added, referring to President Obama: "If his wife says Kenya is his homeland, why don't we just send him back?"

Thanks Tom, for restraining yourself from screaming out the 'N" word. It must have been very hard. Still, "Send him back to Africa" is a nicely racist sentiment which ought to make people seriously consider the Tea Party's thoughts on tax law.

Pastor Stan Craig, of the Choice Hills Baptist Church, was particularly angry about the state of Washington, saying he "was trained to defend the liberties of this nation." He declared that he was prepared to "suit up, get my gun, go to Washington, and do what they trained me to do."

Exploit religion for personal financial gain? Demonize minorities and gays in order to gain political power? Oh, you were talking about the gun part. Yeah, kill those duly elected members of Congress! Spoken like a true man of God. march on Washington, kill the interlopers, overthrow the government. Like it says in the Bible and Constitution.

Dan Gonzales, who Chairs the Constitution Party in Florida, asserted that "this is the end of America right here," and if the Tea Partiers "don't get to work we're going to be fighting in the streets."

Who knew that tepid health reform and the prospects of tepid financial reform and a tepid climate bill was all it took to end America? Still nice of him to warn that if they didn't act soon they'd be fighting it out in the street. That is unless they took the advice of several of the speakers of the day and got their guns, organized into militias and went to go fight it out on the streets. There's a subtle difference there I don't think many of you are getting.

At least Gonzales also added a crazy conspiracy about the Republicans, who he believes are all owned by the Rockefellers. Maybe I'm just longing for a more innocent time, but when was it that the Jews stopped secretly running everything? I didn't hear about this changeover form the Jews (in their secret underground bunker in Zurich) to the Rockefellers, who I'm not even sure own a bunker, let alone one 3 miles under a major banking hub.

But perhaps the best was from William Gheen of the Americans for Legal Immigration PAC who in between praising Barney Frank (GAY!) for being open (GAY!) and brave (IN A GAY WAY!) about who he is (GAY!) and letting people know where he stands (WITH MEN, BECAUSE HE'S GAY!), let loose on Lindsay Graham.

I'm a tolerant person. I don't care about your private life, Lindsey, but as our U.S. Senator I need to figure out why you're trying to sell out your own countrymen, and I need to make sure you being gay isn't it.

He's tolerant, he just wants to make sure that secret gayness isn't the reason that America is about to explode. Look, Lindsay Graham might me collaborating in the destruction of America and it might be secret gayness and gay brain parasites that are making him do so. It's an honest concern. He just needs to be sure.

Again, go to Talking Points Memo for the full rundown with video. Merely reading quotes about Pastor led armies overthrowing government, thinly veiled spear-chucker jokes, and the serious concerns over the damage Lindsay Graham's covert homosexuality is doing to the country, doesn't do them justice. This was the Coachella of teabag crazy, it's just a shame Bachmann and Palin couldn't be there to push it to a Woodstock level teabag event.

Humility defined

When last we saw Grampa Senator he was denying his maverickyness to the masses while losing ground in a primary to a certifiable loon.

So our shadow president went to Fox News to gain that momentum back, but even Fox News couldn't let that "I ain't no maverick and I never said I wuz dangblastit!" remark go. So Senator McCain decided to make things a whole lot clearer and, in the process, show great humility with the new nickname he devised for himself. Remember it now, he'll be disavowing it in a week.

WALLACE: You said, I never considered myself a maverick.

MCCAIN: Well, all I — what I was saying was that I have considered myself a person who’s a fighter. I wouldn’t be around today if I wasn’t a fighter. I fight for the things that I believe in, and sometimes that’s called a maverick. Sometimes that’s called a partisan. And people can draw their own conclusions. I prefer great American myself.

Ah yes, the true mark of a humble patriot: bestowing the title of Great American on oneself. I mean sure, we got used to this kind of thing when he declared himself the "Original Maverick"... except that the whole phrase, definition, and political connotation of 'maverick' comes from the last name of an actual guy, Texas legislator Samuel Maverick, but still. Plus it is a better nickname than the one Obama gave himself: God King of the United States, Woe Unto You Who Speaketh His Name.

So really, could you just stop calling him a maverick. One, he doesn't know where you even picked up that nonsense. Two, he'd much prefer Great American, or, if you'd prefer, Greatest American, or, better still, American So Great They Ought To Retroactively Put His Name on The Declaration of Independence. It's what he deserves to be called before he's forced to take up the moniker Private Citizen and Former Senator John McCain.

Broken in Brief: Dick LeBeau's human trafficking ring exposed

PITTSBURGH—In a shocking blow to the NFL, the Pittsburgh Steelers, and international crime, today the FBI and INTERPOL announced the arrest of Pittsburgh Defensive Coordinator, 2010 NFL Hall of Fame Inductee, and inventor of the fire zone defense, Dick LeBeau, for crimes relating to human trafficking, slavery, prostitution, smuggling, drugs, and organized crime dating back almost four decades.

“Today we announce the arrest of an evil man who has evaded justice and flaunted his disrespect for the law over these many decades,” announced lead investigator Herman Lizewski, who has led the joint international investigation for the past three years. “No longer will the world have to fear his brutal commands, the misery he inflicted on the lives of millions, or the smothering pressure of a zone blitz.”

According to INTERPOL, LeBeau took over the reins of the Black Hand of Death Triad shortly after his retirement as a player in 1972. From then on he moved the Black Hand beyond mere heroin trafficking, eventually conquering the East Asian prostitution game, as well as staking out a large part of a worldwide kidnapping and slavery ring.

In recent years, LeBeau and the Black Hand have been said to expand their efforts into America, primarily in the human organ smuggling and high-end prostitution rackets. They first came to national recognition in 2008 when they were linked to the murder of two Bayport teens acting as amateur detectives.

While no official statement has been made from the Pittsburgh Steelers, sources within the team say that everyone is “Shocked, saddened, and dismayed” to learn of the allegations. Steelers fans were more forthcoming with their views.

“Man, the hits just keep on coming,” observed Johnny Pakuszewski of Blawnox. “First Ben beats his rape charges but in a way that makes him look like an even bigger scumbag then had he been convicted, then Santonio gets busted for throwin’ a glass at a lady and gets traded for nothin’, then the gruesome details of Ben’s case get revealed, and then Willie Colon gets re-signed for another year. All in the span of a week. Now this.”

“Eh,” Pakuszewski nonchalantly remarked. “Even with this LeBeau business, this is still a better week for the Steelers than last week.”

The financial crisis explained

Did you ever wish you had a better understanding of the financial crisis but thought it was all too dense, wonky, and economicky for you to understand? Don't you think you'd be able to understand it better if a bunch of puppets explained it to you in song? Well thankfully the Dylan Ratigan Show on MSNBC and the Story Pirates heard the pleas of a desperate nation and condensed the crisis down into a couple of songs that a smarmy puppet sings to precocious children.

This is how all news should be explained.

Visit msnbc.com for breaking news, world news, and news about the economy

Santorum: Now with tea leaves added to the froth

This weekend the country was subjected to more tea party rallies. Why? As best I can guess: so that the Republicans who couldn't get away from their lobbying jobs on Thursday would have a chance to stump for the cause of freedom... teadom. Case in point, Rick Santorum, last seen hilariously losing to a human sleeping pill by 18 points.

True to tea party form, Santorum stuck to grandiose claims about the importance of teabaggers and let the crazy fly when referencing King Hussein Obama X of Mombasa.

"Now it's a different kind of war. Instead of the Japanese dropping a bomb on Pearl Harbor, Barack Obama has assaulted the soul of America," he said. "And it's our watch."
...
"What did you do during this critical time in the future of this country?" "I'm not asking you to charge a beach with guns lined up against you. I'm not asking you to sacrifice anything except for some of your time, some of your energy, and some of your money, to strike a blow for freedom."

Look Rick, I know you don't live around here... or in Pennsylvania at all, but let me clue you in to a little fact about Western PA: we're cool with assault the first time it happens. Hey maybe there was some contact between Obama and freedom, but from the sounds of it things were consensual. Plus, what with these tea party demonstrations and pleas for money, it seems that freedom is only interested in cash and attention. Then there are these multiple stories of how Obama assaulted freedom; from ramming health care down freedom's throat to bailing out banks to being a Muslim, that I just don't know if we can believe freedom's allegations.

However, if this happens a second time.... well... Western PA will certainly be demanding Obama's trade. Possibly to Canada for a 5th round pick.

Surely it wasn't all third rate war and rape allegory. Surely there had to be good news to spread.

As Mr. Santorum was introduced, some chanted "2012," urging him to run for president. In an interview afterward, Mr. Santorum said only that he wants to have an impact on the race, as a candidate or otherwise.

"I'm considering it, but it's way too premature to make any decisions at this point," he said about a possible White House run.

Oh please baby Jesus, tell me that the 2012 battle for the soul of the Republican party is going to be waged by Santorum, Huckabee, Palin, Bachmann, and Newtie. I know they'll televise it, but at podiums on a stage doesn't seem to befit the majesty of such an event. Perhaps there's an open sewer pit that can be rented out. Perhaps one that has been tainted with radioactive waste. Then they can battle it out for the GOP nomination with some irradiated alligators and whoever wins, be it man, woman, or gator, will have the atomic mutations necessary to beat Barry in an election that ACORN surely will have spent years rigging.

Stop considering it, Rick. Run!

Ah, merica

Courtesy of reddit.

Happy Birthday to Matthew... and an unlucky motorist

Well, now we know what Matthew chose to do with his birthday yesterday...

Further evidence here.

Picture of the day w/ bonus animation

The Icelandic death cloud that is devouring Europe/ushering in a new sunblocked ice age/inconveniencing air travelers.

Picture of the day

Via Talking Points Memo and the Big Picture Blog comes a look at the 2nd eruption in the last month of Iceland's Fimmvorduhals volcano, located beneath the Eyjafjallajokull glacier. The subsequent ash spewing has shut down flights all around Europe and sealed off the UK in Icelandic death dust.

Click to embiggen.

It's always sunny in Vancouver

NHL playoff fever... catch it... in a full bodysuit.

Cheap Blogging Crutch 04.16

U.S. Accuses Goldman Sachs of Fraud
Today the US Government filed a civil suit against Goldman-Sachs alleging that they created and sold mortgage investments that were secretly designed to fail. By "alleged" we of course mean to say "they totally fucking did it". Shocking that a corporation that made money off of betting against the investments it sold to its customers might also be accused of nefarious deeds surrounding those investments. That sound you heard off in the distance? Matt Taibbi's boner ripping through his pants so fast that it broke the sound barrier.

The Price of Assassination
Now that our country openly advocates for assassinating our own citizens without a trial as part of our terrorist leadership decapitation strategies, one wonders: does any of this actually work? Robert Wright brings to a light a recent study that shows that decapitation strikes and assassinations are more likely to prolong the life of a organization. What a shocker, providing martyrs and rallying events for terrorist groups doesn't help shut them down. Next you're going to tell we that bombing a civilian's home doesn't make him more likely to love us.

A GOP Financial Reform Bellwether
If you had to guess what the upcoming GOP strategy for opposing financial reform was, what would it be? Outright lying, right? And well guessed by you, But this time there's an interesting twist: boldly stating the opposite of what is going on. No mere word twisting and blowing minor events out of proportion, now, we've moved straight into complaining about the opposite of what is going on. Time outlines this strategy and how closely GOP leaders are hewing to the poll tested evil of Frank Luntz.

Gates criticizes leaks group for war video
What happens when a group leaks footage of your soldiers essentially murdering a bunch of innocent people for no real reason? Well, if you're Defense Secretary Robert Gates the answer certainly isn't "apologize, investigate what went wrong, and punish those who did this and covered it up." No, the natural reaction for him is to complain that it was leaked, whine on about context and perspective, and cry about how the leakers aren't going to be punished. You know, like an adult would. He is right though, the video doesn't show the invisible terrorist ghosts that the helicopter pilots were firing at. Wikileaks just doesn't have the proper ectoplasmic video filters. Stay classy, Bob.

Pugnacious D
With Treme debuting on HBO and being so good that it got renewed for a second season after one episode, it's always interesting to delve into the mind of it's creator, and the creator of the Wire, David Simon. New York Magazine provides an extensive interview with the man.

Shadow Caster
The LA Times Magazine delves into the noir-ish history of LA police chief William H. Parker and gangster Mickey Cohen. Crooked cops, shakedown squads, Rollo Tomasi, classic gangster behavior, and how an uneasy truce between the cops and crooks went to hell when a crooked vice squad tried to shake down Cohen. An outtake adapted from the book L.A. Noir: The Struggle for the Soul of America’s Most Seductive City. Reading about this kind of thing will never get old.

Barry is perplexed

It's so sad when you see the President get his hopes up and thinks someone on the other side of the political divide might congratulate him for something or pay attention to the facts of a situation. He seems genuinely confused. "They wanted A, I gave them A, now they're complaining I did the opposite of A. Guh?"

It must be a horrid nightmare of opposites he lives in. He gets health reform legislation through making sure to explicitly use the private insurance system as the provider and people knock him for a government takeover. He advances a nuclear treaty that started under Reagan and gets knocked for practically inviting nukes to be dropped on us and betraying Reagan. So imagine his surprise when he thought that people clamoring for lower taxes would notice all the lower taxes.

OBAMA: We cut taxes for 95 percent of working Americans just like I promised we would on the campaign. […] So I’ve been a little amused over the last couple days where people have been having these rallies about taxes. You would think they would be saying, “Thank you!” That’s what you’d think!

There's your first problem: ascribing thought to the Tea Party movement. Sure taxes are at their lowest levels in 60 years, but 2/3'rds of those damn teabaggers think taxes went up. On the other hand, that poll yesterday showed the teabaggers are richer, more conservative, and whiter than America, so maybe they're in that 5% that didn't get a tax cut. Which syncs up with polling that shows teabaggers are only 4% of the country. Maybe that other 1% is just too rich to care.

So chin up, Barry. I mean if they haven't come around on the fact that you're not a Kenyan or that you can't be both the radical black progeny of a radical black preacher and a Muslim, they aren't going to get it on taxes either. Try to start them off slowly, maybe get them to learn the definition of socialism and then have Rahm work up some easy to read graphs showing the tax rate. I'm sure they'll come around.

Holy Dong

Controversial crucifix creates rift at Warr Acres church

Churchgoers are outraged over a crucifix in a Catholic church that they say shows an image of genitalia on Jesus.
...
"There are a couple people who have left the parish,” said the Rev. Philip Seeton, the church’s pastor. "There are people in the parish who don’t like it and have stayed.”

Critics of the crucifix take issue with what appears to be a large penis covering Jesus’ abdominal area. Seeton said the portion of the crucifix in question is meant to be Jesus’ abdomen "showing distension” — not a penis.
...
Janet Jaime, a local iconography artist who designed the crucifix, had no comment.

We must commend Ms. Jaime. It's not often you get a chance to do artistic work for the church, end up drawing a huge cock on the Lord, and then when Church leaders ask you what the dong shaped item coming out of Jeezey Creezy's britches is you have the wherewithal to say "Uh... it's... a... distended abdomen.... because of the... uh.... crucifixion... yeah, that's it" and the church leaders go "Oh, yes, naturally" and hang it up.

I mean what are the parishioners mad about? It is a Godly wang, worth of Diamond J himself. Did they want it made bigger? He was the Son of God, but let's not start defying the reasonable limits of what is possible on the human body.

I don't know what the outrage is about. I mean the Church and Christian offshoots in general have been so maniacally obsessed with other people's cocks for the past decade or so, I guess the artist just thought it'd be something they want their picture of the Lord to deal with as well. Plus it allows them to focus on something within the Catholic church that doesn't have anything to do with kids getting abused and molested and no one doing anything about it. Win win.

So if anyone ever wondered what the Lord's holy twig and berries looked like, we now have a Church sanctioned artist's conception. Now you see why we worship Him.


[via Towleroad]

Quote of the day

One America's most entertaining sane congressmen Rep. Anthony Weiner (D-NY) on his interactions with the Tea Party movement.

“I follow Twitter for the Tea Party and just show up to fuck with them,” he said. The crowd of 20-somethings crowed.

“No, I don’t actually do that. I just sit at my desk and they send me talcum powder every couple of weeks.”

I guess that's a badge of honor then. Or are you disappointed that it was only talcum? You have to keep your hopes down, the right wing fringe groups only break out the anthrax for the big dogs. Just keep plugging at it, pushin' for liberal stuff and someday soon I'll bet some poorly read terrorist with a copy of the Turner Diaries signed by Sean Hannity will cut out a letters from a magazine to concoct a poorly thought out threatening letter and dust it with the good stuff.

Hang in there. Low level demonization by half-wits is still something to be proud of.

More of that Hopey Changey stuff

There he goes again, undermining the sanctity of heterosexual marriage. Good on ya, Barry:

President Barack Obama signed a memorandum Thursday requiring hospitals to allow gays and lesbians to have nonfamily visitors and allowing their partners medical power of attorney.

The memorandum orders the Department of Health and Human Services to prohibit discrimination in hospital visitation.

[via The Advocate]

Art of the Day - 4.16.10

The following images come courtesy of TrustoCorp, an artist (or a collection thereof) "dedicated to highlighting the hypocrisy and hilarity of human behavior through sarcasm and satire."




Website HERE
Flickr HERE

Video of the day

Dave Chappelle is back and he's doing standup.

Quote of the day

We're all enthralled by the possibility that a porn star might do battle with a serial hypocrite and bayou whoremaster for the Louisiana Senate seat that didn't get washed away by Hurricane Katrina. Oh sure we can giggle and snicker over the S-E-X parts, but where's the real political analysis of Stormy Daniels' chances against David Vitter? Why aren't we asking other porn stars what they think about her running?

Thankfully Politico stepped to the forefront to tackle that pressing question. While there are several generic supportive comments and a seeming threat from the porn Palin that she was going to run against the real Palin, the best political comments came from where they always come from: the gay porn industry.

Adult film star Owen Hawk sees a comparison between Daniels and Rep. John Boehner. "It's ironic that the people of Louisiana might elect a porn star to be their senator only to find her the second-most sprayed-tanned GOP representative."

"I think she'll make a great Republican,” said Hawk. “She's narcissistic and morally suspect."

Nicely snarked. You know, I think I'll Google his name and see if he's made any other political commentary. Just let me type it in, hit enter, and... yeah.... that's a lot of penises... not really up my ally... no discernible political content to this... is that Jeff Gannon... I think perhaps I should have added a "+politics" modifier to my search.

Anyway, I would call this article a roaring success. In the future I would recommend that all Politico articles have at least one quote from a gay porn star or political porn parody veteran. I mean Christ, they've got to have more sense or a better predictive track record than a guy like Bill Kristol. Plus they've probably prostituted themselves less as well.

Muslimification

The Daily Show on how the Obama Administration may or may not be sending coded message to its Muslim brethren through summit logo designs and how Fox News is either SS or kamikaze sympathizers. Also, as a bonus: John Oliver converts weights from metric to Americanese.



That's convincing and all, but we've already seen how Obama morphed a missile defense logo into a combo Muslim crescent/Obama campaign logo signaling that this country would soon be under Shariah Law, what's to stop us from baselessly thinking this is all also Muslim conspiracy related? I mean, have you seen this?


What about this?

Do I need to put you in a burka and then honor kill you or are you starting to get it yet? OBAMA IS SENDING MESSAGES OF IMMINENT ISLAMIC OVERTHROW THROUGH THE LOGO DESIGNS OF MINOR GOVERNMENT AGENCIES AND SUMMIT MEETINGS! It's so obvious!

Look, when we're all praying five times a day towards Mecca and flying our own planes into our own buildings to teach us a lesson, don't say I didn't give you clear warnings that it was going to happen. It was in the logos!

Shocking findings

As it is April 15th, Evil Government Stealing Your Money To Give It To The Blacks Day as some know it, there is of course a great deal more attention placed on the Tea Party and the Teabaggers. Because, after all, in addition to being an amateur society of birth certificate experts who could eyeball a man who was born in Mombasa at 100 paces, their movement is ostensibly about taxes or something. That's what the TEA stands for... Taxed Enough Already.

Sure sure, fine fine, they don't actually know anything about taxes or tax cuts they've gotten from Hussein Obama X or really... anything, but they do loudly claim that this is all about taxes... somewhere in between several rants about fascism, how that chubby Glenn Beck boy is right, and how they're holding out hope for that Palin/Bachmann ticket.

But what of the Teabaggers? Who are they? If the immediate thought running through your head was whitewhitewhiteoooohsweetjesusfuckingwhitepeople well... you were right. As a New York Times/CBS News poll explains.

The 18 percent of Americans who identify themselves as Tea Party supporters tend to be Republican, white, male, married and older than 45.

They hold more conservative views on a range of issues than Republicans generally. They are also more likely to describe themselves as “very conservative” and President Obama as “very liberal.”

And while most Republicans say they are “dissatisfied” with Washington, Tea Party supporters are more likely to classify themselves as “angry.”

I am Jack's utter lack of surprise. But only if there was some way this poll also quantified their seeming large scale racial resentment and white victimhood persecution complexes.

Tea Party supporters’ fierce animosity toward Washington, and the president in particular, is rooted in deep pessimism about the direction of the country and the conviction that the policies of the Obama administration are disproportionately directed at helping the poor rather than the middle class or the rich.

The overwhelming majority of supporters say Mr. Obama does not share the values most Americans live by and that he does not understand the problems of people like themselves. More than half say the policies of the administration favor the poor, and 25 percent think that the administration favors blacks over whites — compared with 11 percent of the general public. They are more likely than the general public, and Republicans, to say that too much has been made of the problems facing black people.

No! You don't say!

Lest you think this article and poll is merely there to state the obvious, there is a treasure trove of interviews with Teabaggers who aside from divulging their thought on how Obama is a Kenyan, a Muslim who dishonors this country by not picking a DC church to go to, general rage at "spending" and "waste", blah blah socialism, accusations that Obama is taking America away from what it used to be, how Obama is making the country not great, they are also filled with rage over socialist government programs... which they then reveal they're for when, like with Medicare or Social Security, they are in them.

To quoth Steve Benen at the Washington Monthly

If you were to make a Venn Diagram of the issues Tea Party members care about, and the issues Tea Party members are confused about, you'd only see one circle.

But these are an important group of Americans that it is important we listen to and they will get incessant coverage even though about 4% of the country is a Teabagger and blah blah blah.

At least we now officially know that the Tea Party is comprised of old, rich, ultra-conservative white people who don't know anything about what they claim they're most interested in. At least that's nice to have it finally made official.

Yup

Happy Tax Day everyone! I hope this is the first time anyone reminded you that it is April 15th and that you now just went "Ooooooooh shiiiiiiit!" and are now scrambling around your office/tin lean-to/refrigerator box/home in a desperate attempt to finish your taxes before Obama's IRS armies come bust your head in. A man can dream, can't he?

[via Instaputz via Married to the Sea]

Need a quick birthday party idea?

Children. God love 'em. They truly are the future. But sometimes the "future" needs to be severely traumatized and made to think that they are being stalked by a murderous demon who wishes to do them harm. We all know this. It has been a bog standard part of child raising since time immemorial. Thankfully one Swiss company has decided to take the hassle out of you yourself doing the own damage to your kid. You can now rent out that kind of psychological trauma.

Dominic Deville stalks young victims for a week, sending chilling texts, making prank phone calls and setting traps in letterboxes. He posts notes warning children they are being watched, telling them they will be attacked.

But Deville is not an escaped lunatic or some demonic monster. He is a birthday treat, hired by mum and dad, and the ‘attack’ involves being splatted in the face with a cake.

‘The child feels more and more that it is being pursued,’ said Deville. ‘The clown’s one and only aim is to smash a cake into the face of his victim, when they least expect it, during the course of seven days.’

See? He's not an escaped lunatic, just a professional one, and he's not a demonic monster, just dressed like one. Can't you see why this is such a great idea. I mean if the kid does avoid the attack/shitting his or herself.... they get to keep the cake! Surely that is a valid reward for a week of being stalked by a demonic clown.

As if you needed another reason to think this was perhaps the greatest idea ever, it has the full endorsement of Clowns International. I have no idea what Clowns International is but I really, really hope that it's a clown and clowning trade union, with leadership votes, dues, strikes, and everything. Smokey rooms filled with cigar smoking fatcats saying things like "We gotta bust up this clown union! Then we can really start makin' some money!" or a man in a full clown suit banging his hand on a table and yelling "You can't push the clowns around any more! We get a fair wage for a days clowning or we strike and shut down this clowning factory!" Maybe a weepy businessman says "These clowns have got us over a barrel... give in to their demands." At least that's the way it goes in my dreams.

So, if you wish to traumatize your kid and you're too much of a pussy to get a divorce and blame it on him/her, then this is he next best thing. Unfortunately it's only available in Lucerne, Switzerland for now. Hopefully someone will be bringing this service stateside soon, otherwise our kids will only have general American society and culture to do grievous mental harm to them.

Broken In Brief: Malfunctions Slow Rollout of GOP Hyperbolic Labelmaker

Above: The exploits of a functioning Smear-o-Tron 5000

WASHINGTON--Already plagued by controversial leadership decisions and middling prospects for the November elections, the Republican party was dealt another setback today when its Hyperbolic Labelmaker failed to start during a test run for the upcoming Supreme Court Justice confirmation battle.

"In a bad year, this just makes things worse," said Marissa Florentine, head of the GOP's Outlandish and Exaggerated Claims division. "If we are unable to levy at potential nominees accusations ranging from half-assed conjecture to blatant fabrication, I fail to see how the Republican party can effectively turn this serious minded debate over qualifications and judicial history into the type of harebrained shitshow the country's media requires."

Florentine assured the media that technicians are working around the clock to get the labelmaker -- colloquially called the "Smear-o-Tron 5000" -- up and running in time for this summer's likely protracted debate.

Pundits claim the machine might have been overtaxed during the health care debate, sapping its ability to slap terms such as "activist liberal anti-constitutionalists" on centrist judges with an extensive history of moderate rulings. More troubling, the Smear-o-Tron 5000's ability to gather obscure phrases from decades-old rulings completely out of context and synthesize them into invective has been severely compromised.

Technicians within the OEC Division noticed problems during the latter part of 2009 when Senator John McCain hit what he referred to as "that durned ro-bit confabulation" with his cane and the machine subsequently became stuck on the Socialism setting.

"We might have to revert to pen and paper for the time being," admitted Florentine. "But we'll soon be back to spewing venomous half-truths and deriding cogent legal thought with the speed and severity you have come to expect from your minority Republican party."