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NHL playoff fever... catch it... in a full bodysuit.

Sports attack ads

If you were watching the BCS National Championship Game, perhaps you saw the new wave of ads that are sure to dominate sports: sports based attack ads. Because this county's decline won't be truly complete until all aspects of our life take the form of our retarded political culture.



Ok, I'm for the playoff and mad that this is just another one of his campaign promises that BARACK HUSSEIN OBAMA DIDN'T KEEP! But what about other important sports issues? Surely we need to start flogging the NFL and NFLPA to, for the love of God, get a collective bargaining agreement worked out so we A.) don't have a strike and miss one second of an NFL season, B.) don't see football turn into baseball with a few elite teams outspending everyone. How about the Committee to Horsewhip Bob Nutting? An impassioned plea for the Steelers to draft an offensive lineman high? A request for the Detroit Lions to stop, just stop?

Frankly I think we shouldn't be able to turn on a sporting event without seeing a sinister voice ask Roger Goodell and DeMaurice Smith if they hate America while flashing up pictures of Osama bin Laden and Hitler. If it'd mean one less repetitive beer ad hitting the airwaves, I'll fund it myself.

Elimin8ted

Semin, through a translator, said this last week to Greg Wyshynski of Yahoo! Sports:

"What's so special about [Sidney Crosby]? I don't see anything special there. Yes, he does skate well, has a good head, good pass. But there's nothing else. Even if you compare him to Patrick Kane from Chicago, [Kane] is a much more interesting player. The way he moves, his dekeing abilities, his thinking on the ice and his anticipation of the play are so superb."

Spot on Mr. Semin. Who is this Crosby guy anyway? Good luck this summer doing whatever it is you do when you aren't busy no showing the second round of the playoffs and firing every puck three feet wide and three feet high. Those poor Washington rink crew staffers are going to have to scrub so many black rubber divots off the glass.

The names might have changed but the script still remains the same. Pittsburgh gives Washington hope, then rips out their still-beating heart and shows it to them before watching them die confused and in agony. "We...almost....had....them....What...went...wrong? Maybe.....next...year." For all those Caps fans who hopped on the bandwagon last year: now you know what it's like to be a Caps fan. Alex Ovechkin? Call up Peter Bondra and he'll help you deal with this. Not just the soul crushing loss to the Pens, but also the part about being a one-dimensional goal scorer.

Way to inherit your birthright as Penguins Mssrs. Crosby and Malkin. Keep it up. Onward to revenge against Detroit.

It is written...

Ken Whisenhunt, coach of the Arizona Cardinals. Did you happen to hear he used to coach for the Steelers?

VS.

Mike Tomlin, Steelers coach and part time Omar Epps impersonator. It's a process.

Sunday February 1st, 2009. Steelers vs. Cardinals for the NFL Championship. Super Bowl XLIII. 6 PM kickoff. See you in the trenches.

Stiller Sunday: AFC Championship

The game before the big game, the place where you acquire some marbles, but not all of the marbles: it's the AFC Championship Game. Today sees the AFC North Division rivals bang heads for a crack at the Super Bowl. The Steelers are 2-0 against the Ravens this year and as we've heard from the media all week it is a Herculean feat of near impossibility to beat a team three times in one season. Except, you know, when it's not.

This week was a busy one for bush league shenanigans. Our dear mayor, Luke Ravenstahl, changed his name to Luke Steelerstahl aka Luke Steelersteel. Baltimore's mayor Shelia Dixon countered by being indicted on 12 counts of perjury, theft, and misconduct of office. I must say I prefer our pre-game stunts to theirs. This is what happens when you don't re-elect Tommy Carcetti, Baltimore.

As for the game we all know this is a battle between two teams who are exactly the same, except for running games, passing games, big name big game QB's, unibrows, and number of murder acquittals. What's going to be different this game? How about a Pittsbugh space army. We control the skies in conjunction with the geese. Also, that bye week did us good. Steelers are healthy except for Polamalu, who has a calf but only missed one practice, and Jeff Hartwig, who went into catatonic shock over how well the offensive line played against San Diego. For the Ravens corner Samari Rolle is almost definitely out and the ugliest man in football, LB Terrell "T-Sizzle" Suggs, might miss the game as well, though he says he'll suit up.

So what we have is a banged up team going against a healthy team, a Super Bowl winning QB going up against a rookie, that rookie going up against the #1 D in the league, and a snowy game played on a field where the Steelers have won 7 of the last 8 matchups against Sugar Ray and crew. Negatives? Everyone at ESPN picked us which can't be good, Cowher era bad feelings left over from a few of those AFC title Kordell stink bombs, and the seemingly inevitable return to form of the offensive line. That said, we are the better team and we should win this going away. One thing we know is that we'll all be watching, either because we're massively supportive or deeply pathetic.

Kickoff at 6:30. Line is Steelers -6. Over/Under 34.5.

It is written

Sugar Ray "I didn't kill no motherfuckin' lion" Lewis

VS.

Jeff Reed, bachelorette party crasher, bride to be, midnight mayor of Las Vegas

Stillers. Ravens. AFC Championship. 6:30 PM Sunday December 18th.

Stiller Sunday: Playoffs

Stillers vs. Chargers. Tomlin vs. Turner. BR7 vs. Marmalard. The Steelers D vs. Runbelina/Hans Sproleman/Darren DeVito. It's all over but the crying. Can the Chargers come in here and win? They are 0-13 in Pittsburgh during the regular season, but 2-0 in the playoffs. Most memorable of them is the Alfred Pupunu/Stan Humphries AFC Championship bed shitting from '94 that I got to be traumatized by while sitting in the stands. On the line? A home AFC Championship game against a team we've beat twice already.

Despite ramming the ball down their throats last game to the tune of 410 yards, we only won 11-10. This is because of a failed 4th and goal, two penalties that called back touchdowns, and the inexplicable Polamalu TD overturn that was completely rigged as to salvage a $63 million dollar windfall for Gamblor, your gambling overlord. Also, we were penalized 13 times for 115 yards, the Chargers were penalized twice for 5 yards. Yet we still won. Can we do it again? Yes. On paper we are the better team and God owes us for 1994 and those Kordell Stewart AFC Championships as well.

Of question is the mental readiness of the Concussed One, will he rise to the occasion or play like he did the last time he returned from a concussion: rancidly. The other big question: Darren Sproles, will he torch us like he did the Colts or is he destined to be squashed like every other running back that mans up against the league's best D? Only one way to find out: by playing the game, if I'm remembering correctly.

Kickoff 4:45. Line is Steelers by three. Over/Under on years this game takes off your life is 2 1/2.

It is written...

Next Sunday, 4:30, Heinz Field.

versus

Yinz Stillers vs. the Chargers. Playoff football.