Need a quick birthday party idea?

Children. God love 'em. They truly are the future. But sometimes the "future" needs to be severely traumatized and made to think that they are being stalked by a murderous demon who wishes to do them harm. We all know this. It has been a bog standard part of child raising since time immemorial. Thankfully one Swiss company has decided to take the hassle out of you yourself doing the own damage to your kid. You can now rent out that kind of psychological trauma.

Dominic Deville stalks young victims for a week, sending chilling texts, making prank phone calls and setting traps in letterboxes. He posts notes warning children they are being watched, telling them they will be attacked.

But Deville is not an escaped lunatic or some demonic monster. He is a birthday treat, hired by mum and dad, and the ‘attack’ involves being splatted in the face with a cake.

‘The child feels more and more that it is being pursued,’ said Deville. ‘The clown’s one and only aim is to smash a cake into the face of his victim, when they least expect it, during the course of seven days.’

See? He's not an escaped lunatic, just a professional one, and he's not a demonic monster, just dressed like one. Can't you see why this is such a great idea. I mean if the kid does avoid the attack/shitting his or herself.... they get to keep the cake! Surely that is a valid reward for a week of being stalked by a demonic clown.

As if you needed another reason to think this was perhaps the greatest idea ever, it has the full endorsement of Clowns International. I have no idea what Clowns International is but I really, really hope that it's a clown and clowning trade union, with leadership votes, dues, strikes, and everything. Smokey rooms filled with cigar smoking fatcats saying things like "We gotta bust up this clown union! Then we can really start makin' some money!" or a man in a full clown suit banging his hand on a table and yelling "You can't push the clowns around any more! We get a fair wage for a days clowning or we strike and shut down this clowning factory!" Maybe a weepy businessman says "These clowns have got us over a barrel... give in to their demands." At least that's the way it goes in my dreams.

So, if you wish to traumatize your kid and you're too much of a pussy to get a divorce and blame it on him/her, then this is he next best thing. Unfortunately it's only available in Lucerne, Switzerland for now. Hopefully someone will be bringing this service stateside soon, otherwise our kids will only have general American society and culture to do grievous mental harm to them.

Please tell me you haven't seen this yet

The Insane Clown Posse have made a new video. I know what you're saying: "That wouldn't interest me even if this was 1996 and I was suffering from a head injury". I know, this was my reaction as well. But that was only until I learned that they had become God rappers and released the most flawless form of unintentional comedy ever conceived. Watch it and I think you'll agree that they have created a perfect thing.

It's called "Miracles."



Now that you've seen it I think you understand why I posted it. It's like looking into the face of God.

Let us discuss why this is so great. Let's start with the title. "Miracles" doesn't seem to accurately describe the concept of the song so much as does the phrase "Basic concepts with which ICP are completely baffled and angered by." But let's look at the things they do consider miracles:

• giraffes
• that time a pelican tried to eat the Kevin James looking clown's cell phone
• fuckin' magnets and how they work
• dirt
• the fact that their children look like them, which might be an actual miracle given the kind of sleeping around this implies they feel their wives/girlfriends do
• fuckin' shootin' stars
• crows
• ghosts
• fuckin' rainbows
• magic all up in this bitch
• the Pyramids, which is something they only believed in as kids
• childbirth... ok I'll agree that shit'll shock ya eyelids
• music, which is also a form of magic

Now let us discuss why this video is such a comedy miracle:

• the fact that they point up when they say "dirt"
• the clown appearing in between the legs of a woman giving birth
• the fact that a video espousing all things natural and real was filmed entirely on greenscreen and used CG
• the look the one clown give after he informs us that music is just in there in the air and we can't even hold it
  
  it's like he thinks he dropped the most profound piece of information ever
• the fact that scientists make them angry by trying to explain fuckin' magnets and shit
• the dance the small one does when they relay the pelican story
• this story that tells you why there's so much goddamn butterfly imagery

Hell forget it, there's too much to love.

If they can drop another video like this I might even go to the next Gathering Of The Juggalos... un-ironically. Maybe I'll even hit up the Kickspit Underground Rock Festival as well. RIP Ass Dan.

Ahhh... wait... these people are millionaires. I think I just died a little inside. Wait... that's a miracle. Oh shit, it came around full circle up in this bitch

Video of the day

I say this about you Wal-Mart, you may be a giant evil conglomerate, but at least you've decided to get entertainingly creepy. Shame you couldn't have given the clown sharp teeth or ponied up the cash for Tim Curry.