Cheap Blogging Crutch 11.16

G.M., Citing Progress, Reports Loss of $1.15 Billion
Uhhhh, congratulations? Looks like you'll be able to afford to fund a couple more rounds of those Howie Long "That's a nice truck....for a homo" ads. Even better, you're going to start paying back those government loans...five years ahead of schedule. You know, not that I want to be negative about your success, after all, losing $1.15 billion is great news, but do you maybe want to wait for a year without the cash for clunkers program pumping business your way before you declare your business fixed and start using your cash reserves to pay back loans? No? Well if history has proven anything to us, it's that Detroit knows best.

Health bill foes solicit funds for economic study
With the job market still very rough we like to take the opportunity to pass on any job opportunities we can find to you, the consumer. So if you're an economist, the honest men and women at the Chamber of Commerce have a job for you. All you have to do is severely damage your reputation as an economist in order to author a BS paper about how health care reform will destroy the economy, kill jobs, and grope everyone's mother while she shops for American flags at the Wal-Mart. This or picking up roadkill off the highway are the only two jobs left, so pick one and take it. No, you're right, picking up roadkill lets you keep your dignity.

The Worst is yet to Come: Unemployed Americans Should Hunker Down for More Job Losses
Nouriel "Dr. Doom" Roubini is here to disabuse you of any notion you have of the labor market getting better. Don't think the labor market is getting better? Well he's also here to disabuse you of the notion that the labor market is anything less than an apocalyptic clusterfuck. On the bright side he says that it can be made better if the government mans up and takes some bold policy actio...HA, I can't even finish typing that. No, we're fucked, we're all fucked royally.

God, the Army, and PTSD: Is religion an obstacle to treatment?
The Boston Review takes a look at PTSD in the war on terror and how the Bush Administration made it more difficult for soldiers to get help for it because several officials in charge of the VA and DOD assumed that most instances were hoaxes and the ones that were real could be solved by some combination of faith and Jesus. You thought you knew about every rotten asshole in the Bush Administration? You didn't, because you didn't hear of guys like Paul Sullivan. As Atrios put it, "It's like the job recruitment process [in the Bush administration] involved advertising for 'the worst people ever born in the history of the universe.'"

LHC to Finally Start Next Week, Again
That's right, we're back on schedule to murder God/create a black hole in Europe. They've fixed the pipes, re-magnetized the magnets, cooled everything down, unclogged all the particles from the various particle holes, and are ready to shatter all religion or collapse the earth into a singularity. On the bright side, the coverage of this and the recent success of 2012 should give Roland Emmerich an idea for his next "destroy the world" movie.

Picture of the day

The UK's Shaun Clark, a former soldier in the the 8th Battalion Light Infantry Regiment, who, on Armistice Day, tattooed on his body the names of the 232 UK soldiers who died in Afghanistan. Luckily for him he wasn't an American, otherwise, at 232 names a body, would have needed 4 friends to join him in honoring those who died in Afghanistan. If he was an American who fought in Iraq, he'd need 19 additional friends to honor those who died in Iraq.

Of course, those are just the figures so far. Mr. Clark is unfortunately going to have to add more names to his body before everything is said and done, as will any of his American equivalents.

Broken News: Nations youth celebrates Veterans Day as best it knows how

XBOX LIVE—Today the youth of the United States of America gathered to honor those who had served, fought, and risked their lives for their country in the only way this generation knows how: by assembling online to play war videogame Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2.

“This is for everyone who ever served this great land. DIE YOU FUCKIN’ FAGS, I’M THE FRAG KING” 16 year old XBOX Live user KiNG 3lr0nd yelled into his headset whilst he stormed an enemy encampment during a particularly intense multiplayer round.

“No…YOU’RE THE FAG, YOU FUCKIN’ DOUCHENOZZLE,” game opponent and user aFLockOfCock yelled back, in somber honor of the veterans that this day was created to honor. “OOH HEADSHOT, YOU FUCKIN’ BITCH. I FUCKING GANKED YOUR CHEAP RESPAWN CAMPING ASS!! Look, I’m humping your worthless corpse. Look!”

Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2, a first person shooter war simulation game that focuses on more current types of urban and counter-terrorist military actions, was released earlier in the week to much fanfare. It is the sixth in the series and expected to be its highest selling, not only due to the high level of realism, but for the very fact that it is returning to more current and relevant types of conflicts, abandoning the World War II theme that had comprised four of the previous games.

“Yeah I was getting tired of killing Nazi’s, I think everyone was,” observed user AzzP1sst0n, himself a veteran of the previous 5 games. “It’s pretty sweet. I’m really glad that Activision decided to make this release into a national event and honor those of us who have stuck with this series since the beginning with our own themed day. I was going to call in to my job to tell them I was taking this Call of Duty Veterans Day off, but no one was in the office. I guess they’re all big fans of the game too.”

He paused before adding, “Ooh, this next mission takes place in Kazakhstan. That shit was totally in Borat. Hilarious.”

While not much of the online chatter about the game has focused on the incongruity of releasing a violent war videogame the day before Veterans Day, or even the fact that there is a Veterans Day happening this week, youth education and marketing analysts are quick to point out that this doesn’t mean that there is some kind of staggering disconnect between military video games and the real world military actions these games seek to emulate.

“Nah, kids don’t like to broadcast anything as being cool because that makes it uncool, that’s why it only makes them seem unaware that its Veterans Day,” observed Dr. Ralph Parker, XBOX Live handle Dr. D3aTh, who studies youth culture and has also unlocked several hidden achievements and guns in Call of Duty’s online play.

“No, I clearly hear a lot of chatter online about getting ‘betrayed’ in multi-player games, which is clearly a reference to German feelings after the Armistice of World War I, which is what this holiday was originally created to celebrate. Their obsessive playing of this game is just this generation’s way of honoring those who fought for America: by playing bloodless recreations of battles many of these soldiers were involved in, girding themselves in military terminology to make their multiplayer campaigns seem more realistic, and calling each other fags and gloating over particularly awesome headshots.”

“Ooh!” Parker added. “Did you see that? That dumb fucker tried to throw a grenade up a hill!”

Still, there were some gamers willing to come right out and thank veterans.

“Huh? There’s two soldier remembrance days? I thought we already had one…Memory Day or something. That was cool, we had a bad ass cookout,” said a grateful Sn1persSuckZ0rZ, another long time Call of Duty veteran who has risen to command his own multi-player squad.

“What? No I wasn’t talking to you,” he added, talking into his headset. “Yeah, some bullshit about real wars or something…..Yeah…No I’ll totally tell them how much you suck at this shit and how badass I am…No, look…No, go stand your faggy ass on top of that building and rain hell down on the other team…Because I told you so, bitch….I don’t care…we need unit cohesion, brah, ….fine, quit, see if I care…..no, I run this guild, dickhole….fine, fuck off then. Fag!”

As of press time the nation’s veterans weren’t willing to respond to any questions for this story, choosing instead to sigh deeply, shake their heads, and wonder what it is they fought for.

Quote of the day

Philip Spooner, World War II vet, on the gay marriage debate currently going on in Maine.

I am here today because of a conversation I had last June when I was voting. A woman at my polling place asked me, "Do you believe in equal, equality for gay and lesbian people?" I was pretty surprised to be asked a question like that. It made no sense to me. Finally I asked her, "What do you think our boys fought for at Omaha Beach?" I haven't seen much, so much blood and guts, so much suffering, much sacrifice. For what? For freedom and equality. These are the values that give America a great nation, one worth dying for.

The quest to repeal gay marriage rights in Maine through the Question 1 ballot initiative is going to be voted on soon. And surprise of surprises the opposition to it is from the same groups that got Prop 8 passed in California. Numbers overlord Nate Silver of 538.com says the ban is likely to fail, but that it'll be close either way. I guess the question is do people in Maine hate freedom, liberty, veterans, World War II, the D-Day assault, the military, our victory against the Axis powers, and equality so much that they would overturn the rights of gays to marry and tacitly endorse Hitler's invasion into Poland and annexation of the Sudetenland? I guess we'll find out on November 3rd.

The outrage!

That Obama. He's denying coverage to veterans out of pure spite while he laughingly funds abortions and the forced euthanasia of ugly toddlers. Oh this horrible future of government care. Bureaucrats denying people their surgeries. Who ever heard of such a thing? Now the government won't even shame loose moraled women and the kids doing the dancing to the rock & roll music? This is not the America so many veterans fought for. Let this old man get his sex change!

We can avoid this plague of veterans being laughed at, bitter breakfast table conversations with Grampa, fundamentalists not being given dominion over every uterus, and mandatory abortions for everyone who owns a bible: we can join with James Dobson and Family Research Council. Would they lie to you? Yes, but only if Jesus told them it was in the best interest of God. Which, funnily enough, it always is.

A note to veterans

While the Republican Party is happy to exploit you for political purposes, it will not be casting you in its convention videos.