That just about sums up the past year plus

As the election season starts to ramp up, so does the whoring for political money season. Not that prostituting yourself out for big business' nickels is ever out of season, it's just that most candidate's internal whoring meter switches from "barely concealing the obviousness with which they sell out the average American voter" to "openly exchanging votes for a large burlap sack with a dollar sign on it, handed to them by a man with a monocle and spats on."

But what happens to a political party when they've spent the better part of a year trying to maybe kind of rein in the parties responsible for causing the global financial crisis? Plus maybe telling insurance companies that they shouldn't be such complete money grubbing shits and attempting to hold an oil company responsible for a massive environmental catastrophe? Sure, all of these attempts were half-assed, concession filled, compromise riddled, and willing bent over and inserted loopholes for the very industries they were attempting to regulate, but Democrats had the audacity to maybe question their corporate masters.

How did this go over with their moneyed betters? Not well, according to the Washington Post. With the Democratic campaign committees flagging behind their GOP brethren in the "raising money from the Monopoly guy's buddies" category.

Now normally, this would be time for Democrats to asses the situation, see how they're being openly criticized by unpopular industries and business leaders, see how close said unpopular business are to the GOP, and decide to make a stand on "standing up for the little guy against the evil excesses of the business world" no matter how dishonest that statement is. But no, this is Washington 2010 and these are Democrats.

In a Thursday interview, White House chief of staff Rahm Emanuel argued that rather than recoiling against Obama, business leaders should be grateful for his support on at least a half-dozen counts...
...
But, in the White House view, some business leaders listen only to Obama speeches being tough on BP or on the excesses of Wall Street and assume Obama is hostile to business across the board. “Rather than respond to atmospherics, they should look at policies where we have been supportive,” Emanuel said.
...
Obama administration officials also are quick to point out that Corporate America hasn’t done so badly under Obama -- according to the most recent data, corporate profits are up 34 percent from first quarter 2009 to first quarter 2010.

That's how you lick some boot. Why position yourself as some sort of champion of the people, fighting against the excesses of big business... of which there a a litany of examples with massively negative consequences? That actually might be popular and helpful. Good thing you didn't do that then, Rahm.

It explains so much.

To Cleveland

"Yo Russ, I'm out! See yo ass on South Beach startin' next season. Watch my show. Hey Dwayne, where my beach sandals at?"

You know, as this LeBron ESPN "I'm outta here Cleveland" special is hours away from kicking off, we here at These Bastards would just like to take a moment to offer up some preemptive condolences to the city. Oh sure, we've mocked Cleveland at every opportunity resulting from our Pittsburgh heritage and the sports rivalries inherent within, but we feel for you here.

I mean the biggest superstar in your city, let alone an entire sport, is doing a 1 hour prime time special whose sole purpose is to essentially stab your city in the back, collect a giant check, and give as public a fuck you possible to the people who supported him over his career? And he's from Cleveland to boot? That shit's just cold as ice.

I mean imagine if Sidney Crosby did that to Pittsburgh? Or Hines Ward. Or Ben Ro.... actually, I think we all kind of want #7 to go right now. We just want to be able to go to the bathroom without worrying so much about inappropriate touching in our bathing suit area.

So, putting all that aside, we feel for you.

What, you think we went soft in our old age? Nah, eat it hard Cleveland. This is hilarious. I don't know all that much about this whole hooped sport, what with our fair city having the good sense to never let pro basketball take hold here, but I hope he sins with your biggest rival. Do you even have a biggest rival? The Cavs were pretty much ass before LeBron, so was a rivalry ever built up? Who cares, it's back to mediocrity when he picks some other team at 9 tonight.

Fuck it, I wish there was some way LeBron could sign with the Steelers. Just for a day. Maybe enroll at Pitt and play for Jamie Dixon. Whatever puts salt in the wound more.

Here, Cleveland, the sad trombone plays for you.

Cheap Blogging Crutch 07.08

Darryl Cunningham Investigates: Homeopathy

In You're Living Up To The Stereotype of Your Country News, Colombian police have uncovered an attempt to send 24 pounds of cocaine to Spain in the form of a molded World Cup statute. Don't plan that celebration, you still have to get through the Oranje first, Espana. Bonus points for creativity, you did find a substance that would make the value of the World Cup even greater. All that aside, if you want an even better story about Colombians and World Cup soccer, give the ESPN documentary The Two Escobars a look.

Let me see if you can follow this. The public sentiment is for cutting the deficit and cutting spending, while at the same time improving the economy and job market. If government were to focus on spending cuts and deficit reduction that would have a negative effect on the economy and job markets, making them worse. Economists know this and have been saying it for months. Our elected betters have been told this for months and should know it. Yet, cutting the deficit and spending is popular. So what is everyone going to do? Try to cut the deficit and spending in order to win in November. Because if we've learned anything over the past decade, it's that doing something smart isn't a good idea if doing something dumb and popular and destructive is. I'll see you in the bread lines.

After years of stalling anything and everything that Democrats could do, Republicans are riding high over thoughts of what could happen in November. They're even planning out their new agenda. But after hamstringing the Democrats on all their priorities, surely Democrats wouldn't be eager to help the GOP go after one of their priorities: gutting Social Security. I mean, that would be ridiculous, helping Republicans carve up one of the great progressive achievements in the country's history, right? Wrong. The Democrats are eager to help. And why not, fucking with Social Security is so very popular. Besides, old people love eating catfood. Good luck with that.

What if I were to tell you that not only was there an Illuminati card game that referenced a Gulf oil spill, but there was an oil company board game from the seventies that talked about the possibility as well. Surely you'd think this was just a decently thought out scenario that simply prefaced an easily possible bad scenario using the oil industry and the area with which they were working in, right? Nope. IT'S PROOF THIS WHOLE OIL SPILL WAS PLANNED ALL ALONG!! JESUS CHRIST, CAN'T YOU SEE IT? Man, the Illuminati, Parker Brothers, the Trilateral Commission, and the Egg Council were all planning this for decades. We're through the looking glass here people. Comb through Trivial Pursuit to see if there are any cryptic references to nuclear war and I'll see when Rock 'em Sock 'em Robots predicted the robots would take over.

Europe Is Better Than Us: #3,215 in a series. In this episode Europe, having surveyed the damage cause by global financial giants, sees that it might be smart to tie bonuses to little things like results, performance, and whether or not a collection of assholes toilets the world economy or not. This is just one of the many, better, steps that their continent has taken while we still dick around wondering if we should leave everything pretty much as is, or give the financial giants a little slap on the knuckles and tell the scamps not to do it again. Plus it comes right at the same time the Organization for Economic Cooperation and Development pillories us for hamstringing our own recovery, employment prospects, and general social fabric. On the bright side, if we continue to ignore their good advice and follow their smart lead, nothing they do in Brussels will be able to stop the effects of the next mega crisis America enables. Who's the smart one now, Europe?

In closing, enjoy this racist cat.

My favorite space show after Pigs In Space

Jobblog

As These Bastards is the foremost economics blog on the web, it is our duty to bring you the most cutting edge economic theories going. Mostly these have to do with the flagging job market where there are somewhere in the neighborhood of five applicants for every opening.

Now most of the new economic theories from our elected betters seemed to stem from them plugging their ears and yelling "Get a job anyway you lazy wretches, stop freeloading on the less than $12 grand a year in unemployment you would be theoretically getting if we in Congress could ever pass a jobs bill. You're all probably on drugs." You know, America's lazy peasant problem.

So we feel it's necessary to highlight any new solutions to our joblessness problem, for you: the unemployed hobo reading this while eating a tin of beans underneath a highway underpass. Don't deny it; we know that's 90% of our audience. We have the Google Metrics.

First up is Minnesota GOP candidate for governor Tom Emmer, who is chuffed that some bitch waitress expected a tip last night after she slowly delivered drinks that the asshole bartender was watering down.

Tom Emmer, the GOP-endorsed candidate for governor, told reporters at the Eagle Street Grille in St. Paul on Monday that the minimum wage for service workers who earn tips should be cut. Some waiters and bartenders, he noted, can earn as much as $100,000 a year, which he said is unfair to the employers that hire them.
...
Minnesota is one of few states that does not follow the federal minimum wage for tip-earners — $2.13 an hour. Instead, tip-earners make $5.25 to $7.25 an hour in addition to tips. Emmer says that hurts businesses’ bottom lines.

“Government can only inhibit business, can only keep it from growing, as opposed to creating jobs,” he said. “Right now, we have too much of it, guys. We’ve got to pull government back.”

I know. This economy would be right back on track if bartending and waitressing, two of the most lucrative and desirable jobs in America, nay, the world, we treated like the slave labor they were. I'm tired of these six figure waitresses killing businesses with their minimum wage salaries. Hasn't anyone ever heard of being grateful to be allowed inside an air conditioned building for a ten hour shift? Maybe you repay that shelter from the elements by serving a few drinks or a club sandwich or two without collapsing the world economy. Is that to much to ask, waitresses?

By the way, I'm going to need you to split this check.

On the other hand, potentially crazy... you know, what, I'm going to drop the "potentially" part. Crazy Democratic South Carolina U.S. Senate candidate Alvin Greene has another plan to help revive the job market. By employing people in what I'm sure is the seriously flagging Alvin Greene doll making industry.

"Another thing we can do for jobs is make toys of me, especially for the holidays. Little dolls. Me. Like maybe little action dolls. Me in an army uniform, air force uniform, and me in my suit. They can make toys of me and my vehicle, especially for the holidays and Christmas for the kids. That's something that would create jobs. So you see I think out of the box like that. It's not something a typical person would bring up. That's something that could happen, that makes sense. It's not a joke."

That is outside the box. Like outside of a padded box after the dose of medication they gave you didn't have any effect, then you overpowered seven guards before throwing a water fountain through the window, climbing out, and running to freedom. Luckily the reporter was able to finish the interview without being skinned and Alvin using his face as a mask.

So there you have it, the solutions to our problems: stop tipping rich waitresses and start making dolls of a weird Senate candidate. We'll be back on our feet in no time.

Today in Jeebus

You know that feeling you get when you're in church? You know, that extra religious and spiritual feeling that causes you to think that some armed psychopath will bust through the stained glass window with an uzi halfway through the sermon and that you'll be unable to defend the congregation because OOH WON'T THE GOVERNMENT GET OFF THE WORKING MAN'S BACK AND ALLOW GUNS IN THE CHURCHES!!!!

Well Booby Jindal and the state of Louisiana have heard your prayers.

Gov. Bobby Jindal has signed into law one of the more controversial bills from the recent legislative session, one allowing guns to be carried into houses of worship.

Now if you think the homily is so good you could bust a cap, you can.

Unfortunately the man still doesn't want to allow rifles and assault weapons into church, to say nothing of bayonets. Still, if you go to a decent enough church you'll still be able to bring your army issue M-16 with bayonet to the obstacle course out back, where you'll be able to run through the rope course, crawl under barbed wire while Sister Agnes fires live rounds over your head, then you crawl through the stream, run through the tire obstacles, and finish by bayoneting a sandbag representation of the devil or Martin Luther.

As Jesus said in the Book of Armaments, "Fucking Christ, does that guy have a knife? No? I could have swore that he did. Look, I'm not feeling safe up here. Thomas, Philip, one of the James', bring a big fuck off spear next time. You know, to scare the riff-raff into silence during the beatitudes and keep the freaks from touching me. So sayeth the Lord."

But if you already have your fill of violence and Jesus, may I interest you in sex and Jesus? No no, you have Playboy Portugal to thank.

It's how I always pictured the Lord would look... cavorting with nude models in a magazine spread. Most times this would be relatively blasphemous and offensive, but this marks the least offensive sexual thing Jesus and the Church have been involved in over the past decade. Plus it makes His whole operation seem so less child molesty and rife with closeted gays and guys who prostitute out the Vatican choir. This is a tremendous step up for Christianity.

Picture of the day

Phil Plait of the Bad Astronomy blog comes up with a look at our solar system through is favorite pictures of the planets. From the Sun (which isn't a planet) to world famous Exoplanet Fomalhaut B, he goes through his favorite photos and why he likes them/what they mean to astronomy/science/the world.

A nice diversion from the brain melting heat. Below, his planet chart and "Earth" as captured by the European Space Agency's Rosetta probe.

Stay classy, Wal-Mart

When you're a multi-kazillion dollar business like Wal-Mart you have to have your priorities straight. Making fat stacks of cash? Check. Increasing your market share? Check. Crushing unionization of your workers? Check. Engaging in pointless, time wasting, money wasting legal battles so as you can look heartless and shirk any and all responsibility for anything you do? Double check.

Wal-Mart Stores has spent a year and more than a million dollars in legal fees battling a $7,000 fine that federal safety officials assessed after shoppers trampled a Wal-Mart employee to death at a store on Long Island on the day after Thanksgiving in 2008.

Of course! If they don't spend millions fighting this, why they'll be responsible for all sorts of piddling fines resulting from easily preventable deaths of their employees. I mean this is just another example of small business fighting against the draconian socialist overreach of the man.

$7,000? Wal-Mart isn't made of money! Well, not literally. Not yet, anyway. But I'm sure there's some sort of important legal reason that they're spending millions to fight a minuscule fine for.

But in fighting the federal fine, Wal-Mart is arguing that the government is improperly trying to define “crowd trampling” as an occupational hazard that retailers must take action to prevent.

Yeah, this is an important precedent to have on the books. I mean the government is always trying to butt its nose into a business to collect money for "crowd trampling" regulation violations. How do you think they plan to pay for health care? Human stampeding fines.

So stay classy, Wal-Mart. You would rather spend millions than pay a measly seven grand in OSHA fines and admit that maybe you should have some better safety protocols for when you try to herd human cattle through your stores for Chinese made lawn furniture that's 3 cents cheaper than at Target. Priorities.

Video of the day

Artists BLU use the mediums of paint, stop-motion animation, and too much free time to surmise the origins of the universe and the end of human life.

I like mine done medium-rare

What with loathed British shitbag Tony Hayward off to the Middle East to beg sheiks for bailout money in a way that doesn't result in him being made to wear a dress and join a harem, BP has been hurting for some really bad news that makes people hate them more. In fact, what with BP sponsoring our love of sky explosions and the baseball combined with this country's gnat-like attention span, the might even be inching their approval rating into that high teens Dick Cheney area.

So really, what's one thing they could do to really surprise and offend us in a new way so as to squander the good will they're getting as a result of spending about as much on PR as they are on the cleanup? Did I hear someone say "burn animals alive"? You know, ones bigger than the turtles? DING DING DING! Bonus points for the man in the back with the magnifying glass, ant-farm, and the sociopath's gaze.

They didn't even cook it right to get the diamond grill marks. Is there no corner they won't cut?

Now I know some of you are saying "How do we know this was BP's fault? How do we know that this whale didn't set itself on fire or swim into a controlled burn area on purpose in order to commit suicide, possibly over a whale romance gone bad?" Ok, valid points. To this I say what if BP set the whale on fire... because it knew too much!

But hell, maybe there is a valid scientific explanation that doesn't legally remonstrate BP for burning a giant sea creature. Science? Anyone from science want to present a plausible alternative theory? I know you're purposefully being kept away from this spill and your solutions are being ignored, so here's your chance to get in there and help.

What's that? A hypercarnivorous giant ancient whale shark that ate smaller whales, you say? I'm sure evolution could have had them develop some sort of rudimentary fire deployment system for cooking their food over the 12 million years since they last existed. Yes, that's clearly what happened here. A new giant species of super whale that's bears some sort of PR grudge against BP. I think we can close the books on this one. BP would never do this, they paid for fireworks one time.

Educate yourself

With the combination of a poor economy/job market and the recent will crushing heat, we all know that we need to better ourselves in a way that doesn't make us come into direct contact with the outside world, what with the whole bursting into flames the second your skin hits sunlight thing. So thoughts of course turn to degrees and education and improving your skill set. But what if you lack the rigorous and stellar academic record needed to gain entrance into prestigious Phoenix University? What if your personal tastes in the field of human sexuality has had the man "advise" you to take up other interests online or face a minimum prison term of 5-10 years? What if you are a gullible sort who likes wasting money? What then?

Then you have Glenn Beck to thank. Because he's opening Glenn Beck University... for you.

This July, while others are relaxing poolside, head back to the classroom - from the comfort of your own home. That may sound like an oxymoron but Glenn’s new academic program is only available online.

Offered exclusively to Insider Extreme subscribers, Beck University is a unique academic experience bringing together experts in the fields of religion, American history and economics. Through captivating lectures and interactive online discussions, these experts will explore the concepts of Faith, Hope and Charity and show you how they influence America’s past, her present and most importantly her future.

So don’t miss out on this amazing experience. Enroll in Beck University today

For a mere $10 bucks a month ($75 a year, which is a savings of $45 dollars over the monthly rate) you can learn about American history and American Future combines with heaping doses of the Bible, by a man who seemingly understands none of these concepts. But at least he'll finally have a legitimate excuse for that chalkboard. Oh, and his "Advance Crying Techniques" class will really be a study with the master, as will his "Recognizing the Investment Value of Gold, sponsored by Goldline" class. So join now, otherwise you'll miss out on "Faith 101," "Hope 101," and "Charity 101", which are literally the titles of the classes.

I mean this totally sounds like a legitimate thing and not yet another effort for Glenn to bilk his supporters with some sub-Nigerian e-mail scheme "education" malarkey. He has a crest and everything! It has George Washington on it and a buffalo and some Latin. "Tyrannis Seditio, Obsequium Deo," -> "Revolution against tyrants, submission to God." I bet that totally isn't also the pseudo-intellectual Latin motto of at least 30 or more rural militias.

Anything else I should know?

Beck University will be online-only and courses are not for credit.

I'm sure this has NOTHING to do with the fact that no accredited institution of higher learning would even think about recognizing the curriculum. BAH! I know where I want my masters degree in Faith 101 to come from and I ain't gonna let no gubmint tell me if it's valid or not! Higher education is a liberal plot lorded over by snooty progressive professors in ivory towers!

So if you've got a couple spare bucks and need a good laugh, you could do worse than Glen Beck University. Plus, it's got to be most people's safety school in case they don't get into the Glenn Beck Institute of Technology. It's much more reputable than Beck State is at any event. Everyone knows that's just a party school.

Broken News: 'Are mustards getting too spicy' ponders area man who should kill himself

PITTSBURGH—It was just after lunch when area man John Anson bit into his turkey and swiss on wheat with lettuce, tomato, and a spicy brown mustard.

“Hmm,” Anson reportedly thought. “This has kind of a burn to it. I guess they really mean ‘spicy’ when they put it on the bottle. When you think about it, they are putting a lot of horseradish into mustards now. Stone grounds… oooh chipotle, that’s a spicy one. Wasabi. Jeez, do you only have plain mustard if you want a little flavor without some burn? Man, if you ask me, mustards are just getting too spicy.”

To the uninitiated bystander or to Anson himself, this was just a mundane mental digression on sandwich spreads. But unbeknownst to the Pittsburgh resident, this mental train of thought was, in actuality, a sign from the universe that he should kill himself. Immediately.

The sadness of this digression, that this is the kind of thought that would occupy valuable mental space over a long period of time in an adult, was meant to trigger a self-realization in Anson on the futility of his life and meant to spur him to self-improvement. Upon the inevitable realization that he did not possess the willpower to do so, Anson was supposed to muse on his mortality before deciding the only viable option was suicide.

“With all that’s going on in the world, this motherfucker is spending serious time thinking about mustards?” asked a curious and vengeful God.

“Oil in the Gulf, global warming, numerous wars overseas, the general awfulness of human cruelty, poverty, sickness, everything I plague humanity with… and he’s thinking about Gulden’s during a refractory period. And it’s not like he’s spending serious time on this stuff outside of sandwich time. No, it’s mostly mustard, what’s on TV, whether it’ll rain, and the minor personnel signings of his favorite sports teams.”

“Christ,” The Lord sighed. “Fucking end it already. How many more signs to I have to give this dead end?”

When informed of these universal developments, Anson’s friends were quick to agree with the conclusion that he should probably hang himself or sit in his garage with the car running. Nothing painful, it just has to end.

“Yeah, it’s not like it’d be a step back for him,” added co-worker and ‘work friend’ Janet Davies. “We had CNN on in the office the other day during the Supreme Court hearings–-we were switching it between that and a press conference on the oil spill and a World Cup match--and he came over mumbling about Madras shirts and where he was thinking about eating dinner.”

“C’mon man, spend some mental energy on something important,” she concluded.

But none of this seemed to register with Anson, who was off on a mental tangent about the prevalence of the chipotle flavor in modern foodstuffs.

“Isn’t there another hot pepper?” the poor bastard wondered, still refusing to re-evaluate his life.

The cosmos perked up when Anson lurched over to a kitchen drawer and pulled out a knife, but their hopes were crushed when he headed over to the fridge.

“Gonna need some mayo. Gotta cut this mustard flavor a bit. It’s just too spicy. Mustard is just getting too spicy in general,” the human cul de sac thought, steadfastly refusing to use the dull butter knife to open his veins and let the blood flow.

As of press time, God was going to give Anson another couple days to come to a realization and take the honorable way out. Then, according to the Almighty, he was just going to start lobbing lightning bolts at him.

The old bitch barely looks 234

Happy National Eat a Flag Burger and Throw An M-80 Day. You aren't doing your part as a patriotic American unless you're wearing a t-shirt with at least three eagles, ten flags, and one reference to either war, 9/11, or freedom and the fact that the price of said freedom isn't free.

In celebration of this day I give you patriotic dogs, a documentary of our actual founding fathers and the Continental Congress, and our new anthem.

Video of the day

The new Indonesian film sensation: Obama: The Mengteng Kid. By which I mean it is a film that they cranked out in order to cash in on the fact that our secret Muslim President lived there for a little bit when he was a kid and he's coming to Indonesia on a visit soon.

Anywho, it seems that little Obama's life was one of muted dialogue with loud generic music being played at full blast over it. He also seemed to live out some bizarre combination of the Karate Kid and Rocky.... only with what looks like a lot of gay overtones and a large Indonesian gay stereotype as a friend. At the end, Obama's birth certificate is taken by the government and put into a large wooden crate to be stored in a massive warehouse full of other nondescript wooden crates.

Cheap Blogging Crutch 07.02

Zombie Meat. For when you want a blue peppered jerky snack that makes it seem like you're eating the flesh on a re-animated dead body.

In America Has An Awful News industry news, Adam Serwer goes into detail about how waterboarding moved from being "clearly torture" to "erm..... *clears throat, tugs at collar* a matter.... of.. debate?" in the New York Times during the Bush Administration because of politics and GOP messaging. It turns out that high level journalistic arts requires giving credence to both sides of an issue, even if there aren't two sides and one is just craven ass-covering.

Think Progress compiles a list of Senators who not only have successfully blocked extending unemployment benefits, pretty much the least thing we can do to combat the bad job market, but have also essentially helped block doing anything substantial about jobs. What's so great about this list? They all come from states with double digit unemployment that is much higher than the national average. Hey, when you're trying to sink the economy further to help your electoral prospects in November, you can't be concerned with little things like people or people who elected you.

Now we know why Arizona had to enact that Walking While Latino law. Apparently there are roving gangs of crazed illegal immigrants decapitating law abiding citizens. So says Governor Jan Brewer. Some liberals, media types, Latino groups, and people with common sense say that this is a completely fabricated lie intended to scaremonger about the Mexicanos, but I don't know; illegal Latin guillotine gangs sounds so plausible. Maybe this is a new breed of Mexican coming here searching for a job and a head (or cabesa as they call it). No dice, Pablo, those jobs and heads are ours.

Scientists believe they have found the earliest known form of complex cellular life: weird scallop things that are 2.1 billion years old. Do you know how they figure out how old the organism was? It was carrying an ancient bible and they just added up all the ages of the people inside it.

The Amazing Kreskin has offered up his services to the Pittsburgh Pirates, saying that unless they hire him they'll continue to lose for at least two more years and he'd offer his help to stop their 18-year losing streak. Unless Kreskin can go a solid 7 every five days and keep his ERA under 3 or has some serious gap power, I don't think he can do much for us. Unless he has no ethical qualms about hypnotizing Bob Nutting into committing suicide. Plus, the Bucs would never hire him; they can't lowball him in arbitration or trade him for several middling mentalist prospects.

In Rich People Have Too Much Money news, a Russian billionaire has commissioned an Australian goldsmith to create a $21,000 golden diamond encrusted vuvuzela. *dusts hands off* God, send the meteors, I think we've clearly bottomed out as a society.

Star Wars was right

There is sound in space. Specifically from the sun. So says the University of Sheffield.

Well, it's a little bit Ambient 1: Music for Airports era Eno, but it's still pretty cool. For those of you wanting a translation, the sun is singing "I AM THE SUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUN!" It's just variations on that definitive declaration of awesomeness.

Picture of the day

What is this? It's the first photo of an alien planet ever taken! Ok, it's the "the first direct image of a planet orbiting a sun-like star taken using a ground-based telescope" if you want to be a killjoy about it. But still, pretty cool, no?

No? It's too blurry for you? You, with your precious fetish for pretty Hubble photos. "Show me a photo of this planet when you can get a cool close up, like with Saturn or something" I bet you're saying. Fuck you, learn to appreciate other mysteries of the universe.

Fine fine, you complete baby. Here's the pretty.


It's a boring old nebula. God I hate you.

Larry Flynt: Patriot

There are many celebrities stepping forward with varied plans to help combat the Gulf oil spill. We all know about Kevin Costner's plan and that James Cameron offered up his help, but we've heard very little from the pron/smut community. Until now.

Enter Larry Flynt, patriot and pornographer, who has his own solution: he wants one of Louisiana's Senators to employ the perversion that he used to engage in with hookers to help clean up the Gulf. Let us hear him out.

Dear Senator Vitter:

Forgive me for intruding on your valuable time. I know you are a very busy man, especially in regards to the current problems in the Gulf of Mexico. But that's exactly what I want to talk to you about. I concur that everybody must do their part to solve this serious catastrophe. And that's where I think you, in particular, can be of so much help.

As I understand it, you have some expertise regarding diapers. I have no idea how many diapers you actually have on hand (quite a collection from what I hear) but as you know, diapers are quite absorbent. So, when it comes to blocking the oil that's gushing into the Gulf, they might be a very effective way of solving that problem. With that in mind, I urge you to donate your extensive diaper collection to BP so they can use them to stop the leak by creating, for want of a better term, a giant "plug."

It could be a historic moment: An ecological disaster thwarted. And you'll get the credit for it. In fact, when people hear the word "diaper" they will automatically think of you. Hell, they already do.
Please don't piss away this golden opportunity.

Sincerely,

Larry Flynt
Publisher
Hustler

Flynt continues “Senator Vitter has gone on record claiming that the oil spill in the Gulf is ‘too big of an endeavor’ for one company. Accordingly, in an effort to protect the coastlines and marshes on the Gulf Coast, I am asking Senator Vitter to use the personal articles that he’s best known for to aid in the relief. His experience in the discipline of ‘spills’ is unprecedented.”

We would like to commend Flynt for this suggestion and the initial work he engaged in to expose Vitter and the DC prostitution ring. We hope Senator Vitter takes Larry up on the offer. It's not like reminding people of your shady sexual past and your hypocrisy would actually cause you to slip below 50% in the polls LOUISIANA WHAT THE FUCK? At the very least you could towel down a few pelicans. Think about it.

I knew we shouldn't have allowed Obama to use time travel

We often accuse the GOP and it's leadership of being wanton liars who are ignorant of history and who will spin a complete falsehood about anything at any time because... well... they are and they do. It's fairly straightforward. It's not so much an accusation as a "pointing out".

Which leads me to comical punchline in waiting, RNC Chairman Michael Steele. Not one to led a good media crisis about Afghanistan go to waste, he decided to cancel his book tour or speaking engagements or whatever it is he does when he's supposed to be running the RNC, to knock Obama for the McChrystal thing. But because he's Michael Steele and because he's incapable of making criticism based on actual evens, he decided to descend into a Little Nemo-like dream kingdom to criticize the fantastical history of that imaginary land.

"The McChrystal incident, to me, was very comical. And I think it's a reflection of the frustration that a lot of our military leaders have with this Administration and their prosecution of the war in Afghanistan," said Steele. "Keep in mind again, federal candidates, this was a war of Obama's choosing. This is not something the United States had actively prosecuted or wanted to engage in."

I think we all remember that sad day back in 2001 when President Obama burst out of a time-traveling DeLorean, knocked President Bush away from his podium during a n address to a joint session of Congress, declared his right as "Future Leader" to declare war on Afghanistan, declared war on Afghanistan, and then banged a nearby gavel making it all official and legally binding. OBAMA CHOSE THIS WAR AND REPUBLICANS HAVE ALWAYS OPPOSED IT!

Or, you know, was handed it about 8 years in, was told "I know we haven't paid much attention to this other war, but it's fostered the destabilization of Pakistan and could result in a failed nuclear state and a resurgent Al Qaeda. Well.... bye, I've got a BBQ to hit up in Crawford." And yeah, I think this is a war Republicans especially wanted prosecuted, because it was the war we engaged in to get revenge on that whole 9/11 thing. The war in Iraq was the one that this country wasn't fully on board with. Maybe, that whole "actively prosecuted" statement was a crack at how the Bush Administration completely ignored Afghanistan once they figured out they could start one in Iraq.

Still, I know I'll get accused of being part of the "Blame Bush" crowd, just because I point out the things he's responsible for, but yeah, he's the one that started up the war. Obama's continuing it because he thinks there's a strategic value in a stable Afghanistan and Paksitan... oh and because your party will call him a fag if he pulls one soldier out. Criticize that line of thought if you want to, but can we not invent an alternate reality where Bruce Wayne's parents lived, Hitler was killed in WWI, and Obama invaded Afghanistan? No? I'm going to have to hear this bullshit a lot from your side, right? I thought so. Carry on.

Must the government infringe on a man's right to be orange?

Cheap humor. Sweet, sweet, cheap humor.

We like to make fun of John Boehner for his tanning regimen. Why, because it's easy and we don't like to sweat for a joke. Besides, have you seen him? Motherfucker's orange. Thankfully, John likes easy humor as well, because he's serving up a nice opportunity for everyone to mock him for being a vain, self-obsessed Oompa Loompa.

What's he up to this time? Why he's decrying the abominable health reform bill by blasting out a press release knocking an onerous tax on... tanning beds.

The new tax adds 10 percent to the cost of tanning services businesses provide. Some 30 million Americans visit a tanning salon at least once a year and 75 percent of the employees and customers are women, according to industry sources.
...
According to this Wall Street Journal article, ObamaCare’s tanning tax is causing all kinds of problems for business owners who provide tanning services as well as other products or those who include tanning services as part of a gym membership.

And they call this America? Can't a man be uncommonly orange without the government trying to make him pay and extra buck for it? Is there an uncommonly weepy metaphor the GOP can use to complain about a tanning tax?

Unfortunately, no amount of sunscreen or Aloe will relieve the pain of the Democrats’ impending 10 percent tax on indoor tanning beds

The pain. The pain. Oh the pain. Does perhaps the former standard bearner and Presidential candidate of the Republicans have a Jersey Shore related pun he could unleash to complain about the tanning tax? Perhaps in a Tweet to Snooki?

@Sn00ki u r right, I would never tax your tanning bed! Pres Obama's tax/spend policy is quite The Situation. but I do rec wearing sunscreen!

SenJohnMcCain.

This is serious business, people! I mean, the outrage! People engaging in a luxury activity that increases their likelyhood of cancer by 74% should not be expected to pay minuscule taxes on that activity in order to pay for health care. Also, why would a Senator with a history of face tumors not want to get outraged over a tax that might decrease the amount of people who develop skin cancer?

Look, GOP... I know your minority leader is a tanning addict, but can't you let his unnatural obsession with looking like a citrus fruit be a personal thing? I mean you seemed to have organized a full court press from your leadership on this and even got the conservative media to go after it. Aren't you supposed to be a serious party concerned about serious issues? Isn't this supposed to be a serious country with adult leaders concerned about important business?

Oh, that's right, it isn't. Carry on then. OOOH THAT TANNING TAX! *shakes fist at sky*

Cheap Blogging Crutch 07.01

Gregg Peltz's Victorian Star Wars portraits

Health care overlord Comrade Obama has unleashed his health care scheme on us. Now he has informed us of the exact schedule of and options we will have under the oppressive bootheel of his socialist scheme. Healthcare.gov gives people the rundown on the new health care policy, from the exact time the spirit of Lenin will possess your youngest child, to the brainwashing camp schedule, to when you can schedule the shock troops to kick in your door and stick grandma with a Bowie knife.

Talking Points Memo recounts the saga and details of the Russian spy ring and finds them lacking. Almost comically inept. From not actually getting any useful information, handing over their equipment to undercover FBI agents, to stating their address as 99 Fake Street, they weren't struggling to make the Russian espionage hall of fame. Not that any of this matters, this is all a viral marketing scheme for Salt... OPENING JULY 23RD!

All throughout this massive global financial crisis, we have been able to say one thing: we may have a government rife with banking shills and financial conglomerate insiders, but at least they're working for us. Like, putting us on the hook for billions of dollars worth of worthless Bear-Stearns assets... and then lied to Congress about it. So lets see, that makes it Bernanke, Geithner, most of the White House, every elected Republican, significant chunks of House Democrats, and every key Democrat in the Senate working to largely look out for the interests of the financial industry over citizens. Goddamn, Boehner was right... that's not nearly enough protection for the financial industry.

Soccer is taking hold, America. Sure, the US National Team, as is typical, shit itself about a round before it should have to realistically maximize this World Cup, but it's making inroads. How do we know? Landycakes' winner against Algeria broke the intarwebs and all associated internetting tubes. It was officially the biggest driver of internet traffic ever. Socialized medicine, liberals in charge, and gay no hands/no hitting sports taking over our consciousness? We're almost Europe, people. Or, alternately, a third world country if you follow John Oliver's math. If we don't eat sufficient amounts of red meat and blow up large chunks of this country over the weekend, we're essentially indistinguishable from Portugal.

We would like to join the world in wishing legendary effects maestro Ray Harryhausen a happy 90th birthday. Your Clash of the Titans still looked more real than this summer's Clash of the Titans. In honor of the man, here are fighting skeletons.

Quote of the day

Some of us may be wondering how South Africa got the World Cup. I know, I know, "First World Cup in Africa" was probably all anyone from FIFA had to hear. But one still wonders how a country with Johannesburg in it, which combines all the destitute charms of Detroit and Baltimore and adds in a dash of war-torn Sarajevo and the roving cannibal gangs of the Road, and is still allowed to host games there?

Well now we know: God did it. Or should I say: God related deal-making.

Anti-apartheid icon Desmond Tutu promised FIFA top brass a first class pass to heaven if they granted then-World Cup hopeful South Africa the host bid, a top organising official said on Monday.
...
"Then we had our first meeting with the FIFA executive and Archbishop Tutu said: If you vote for us, I will make sure that you get a first class ticket to heaven," Jordaan quoted him as saying.

Now, you might ask yourself "Isn't that a bribe?" No.

"I said: Arch but you said we must not bribe. Isn't that a bribe?.

"He said: No, no, it's not a bribe. A bribe is only when you give things to people who are alive. In order to get their first-class ticket, they must first die. That's not a bribe."

That clears it up.

Still, I find fault with the Archbishop's promise and the whole theological underpinning of his offer. I mean how can God even exist if He allows the world's biggest sporting event to take place without replay and review technology to correctly call off-sides plays and determine if goals go over the line?

Hmm? Where's you God now, Archbishop Tutu? He can't exist! He would want the score to be kept properly! LAMPARD'S GOAL WAS IN!

Sorry, Sepp Blatter and the rest of FIFA's Governing Council of Kicky-Footy Games are just going to die and go into the endless black void of nothingness like the rest of us. The lack of goal line technology proves the non-existence of God. It's science.

Because I don't have time to insult you all personally

Plea of the day

A sign you'll see popping up at local BPs... if you'd even bother to buy gas from one now.


This was the final draft of the placard. There were many earlier drafts and through the magic of making shit up and lying to you, we at These Bastards is able to bring a few of them to you.

Thanks for not caring about anything other than the price of a gallon of gas.

Like you were ever going to see a Roseate Spoonbill or Red Egret in person. And Pacific Bluefin Tuna taste just as good as the Gulf ones. I dare anyone to say we've made the Brown Pelican browner.

Fuck birds, man. Anyway, thanks.

Then there's this one.

What the fuck don't you people understand about "Independently owned and operated?" Do I sound like I have a British accent? I didn't spill anything in your ocean.

These signs are being made in bulk, so we're just going to assume the accent you're hearing is Pakistani or possibly Russian, because odds are it is.

We hate the Brits just as much as you. Colony having motherfuckers. Please don't take it out on us.

Third try.

I'm fine with it if you don't want to buy gas from me. I wouldn't want to support BP if I were in your position either.

Can I tell you a secret? *moves in closely*

*whispers* We make more from the snacks and pop than we do from the gas. So really, fuck BP and their oil. But could you buy a Coke and some Twizzlers?

Thanks.

Also.

Like you've never made a mistake in your life!! OH, MR. AND MISSUS FUCKING PERFECT SITTING THERE IN THEIR CAR GETTING SO FUCKING JUDGMENTAL!!!

Buy gas, don't buy gas. We don't care. We're all rich British lords and at the end of the day we'll all still be rich British lords. You'll still be some Yank asshole.

Fuck it, FUCK OFF! We don't event want to sell you any gas anyway. Get stuffed, tosser. Jog on.

Finally.

Why does everyone think we're the ones that spilled oil in the Gulf?

Nah man, that was Sunoco. You must have heard wrong.

We won't hold it against you, though. BP is cool like that.

BP is cool like that.

The future

Tom the Dancing Bug