Thursday, July 8, 2010

To Cleveland

"Yo Russ, I'm out! See yo ass on South Beach startin' next season. Watch my show. Hey Dwayne, where my beach sandals at?"

You know, as this LeBron ESPN "I'm outta here Cleveland" special is hours away from kicking off, we here at These Bastards would just like to take a moment to offer up some preemptive condolences to the city. Oh sure, we've mocked Cleveland at every opportunity resulting from our Pittsburgh heritage and the sports rivalries inherent within, but we feel for you here.

I mean the biggest superstar in your city, let alone an entire sport, is doing a 1 hour prime time special whose sole purpose is to essentially stab your city in the back, collect a giant check, and give as public a fuck you possible to the people who supported him over his career? And he's from Cleveland to boot? That shit's just cold as ice.

I mean imagine if Sidney Crosby did that to Pittsburgh? Or Hines Ward. Or Ben Ro.... actually, I think we all kind of want #7 to go right now. We just want to be able to go to the bathroom without worrying so much about inappropriate touching in our bathing suit area.

So, putting all that aside, we feel for you.

What, you think we went soft in our old age? Nah, eat it hard Cleveland. This is hilarious. I don't know all that much about this whole hooped sport, what with our fair city having the good sense to never let pro basketball take hold here, but I hope he sins with your biggest rival. Do you even have a biggest rival? The Cavs were pretty much ass before LeBron, so was a rivalry ever built up? Who cares, it's back to mediocrity when he picks some other team at 9 tonight.

Fuck it, I wish there was some way LeBron could sign with the Steelers. Just for a day. Maybe enroll at Pitt and play for Jamie Dixon. Whatever puts salt in the wound more.

Here, Cleveland, the sad trombone plays for you.

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