Wednesday, July 7, 2010


As These Bastards is the foremost economics blog on the web, it is our duty to bring you the most cutting edge economic theories going. Mostly these have to do with the flagging job market where there are somewhere in the neighborhood of five applicants for every opening.

Now most of the new economic theories from our elected betters seemed to stem from them plugging their ears and yelling "Get a job anyway you lazy wretches, stop freeloading on the less than $12 grand a year in unemployment you would be theoretically getting if we in Congress could ever pass a jobs bill. You're all probably on drugs." You know, America's lazy peasant problem.

So we feel it's necessary to highlight any new solutions to our joblessness problem, for you: the unemployed hobo reading this while eating a tin of beans underneath a highway underpass. Don't deny it; we know that's 90% of our audience. We have the Google Metrics.

First up is Minnesota GOP candidate for governor Tom Emmer, who is chuffed that some bitch waitress expected a tip last night after she slowly delivered drinks that the asshole bartender was watering down.
Tom Emmer, the GOP-endorsed candidate for governor, told reporters at the Eagle Street Grille in St. Paul on Monday that the minimum wage for service workers who earn tips should be cut. Some waiters and bartenders, he noted, can earn as much as $100,000 a year, which he said is unfair to the employers that hire them.
Minnesota is one of few states that does not follow the federal minimum wage for tip-earners — $2.13 an hour. Instead, tip-earners make $5.25 to $7.25 an hour in addition to tips. Emmer says that hurts businesses’ bottom lines.

“Government can only inhibit business, can only keep it from growing, as opposed to creating jobs,” he said. “Right now, we have too much of it, guys. We’ve got to pull government back.”
I know. This economy would be right back on track if bartending and waitressing, two of the most lucrative and desirable jobs in America, nay, the world, we treated like the slave labor they were. I'm tired of these six figure waitresses killing businesses with their minimum wage salaries. Hasn't anyone ever heard of being grateful to be allowed inside an air conditioned building for a ten hour shift? Maybe you repay that shelter from the elements by serving a few drinks or a club sandwich or two without collapsing the world economy. Is that to much to ask, waitresses?

By the way, I'm going to need you to split this check.

On the other hand, potentially crazy... you know, what, I'm going to drop the "potentially" part. Crazy Democratic South Carolina U.S. Senate candidate Alvin Greene has another plan to help revive the job market. By employing people in what I'm sure is the seriously flagging Alvin Greene doll making industry.
"Another thing we can do for jobs is make toys of me, especially for the holidays. Little dolls. Me. Like maybe little action dolls. Me in an army uniform, air force uniform, and me in my suit. They can make toys of me and my vehicle, especially for the holidays and Christmas for the kids. That's something that would create jobs. So you see I think out of the box like that. It's not something a typical person would bring up. That's something that could happen, that makes sense. It's not a joke."
That is outside the box. Like outside of a padded box after the dose of medication they gave you didn't have any effect, then you overpowered seven guards before throwing a water fountain through the window, climbing out, and running to freedom. Luckily the reporter was able to finish the interview without being skinned and Alvin using his face as a mask.

So there you have it, the solutions to our problems: stop tipping rich waitresses and start making dolls of a weird Senate candidate. We'll be back on our feet in no time.

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