Educate yourself

With the combination of a poor economy/job market and the recent will crushing heat, we all know that we need to better ourselves in a way that doesn't make us come into direct contact with the outside world, what with the whole bursting into flames the second your skin hits sunlight thing. So thoughts of course turn to degrees and education and improving your skill set. But what if you lack the rigorous and stellar academic record needed to gain entrance into prestigious Phoenix University? What if your personal tastes in the field of human sexuality has had the man "advise" you to take up other interests online or face a minimum prison term of 5-10 years? What if you are a gullible sort who likes wasting money? What then?

Then you have Glenn Beck to thank. Because he's opening Glenn Beck University... for you.

This July, while others are relaxing poolside, head back to the classroom - from the comfort of your own home. That may sound like an oxymoron but Glenn’s new academic program is only available online.

Offered exclusively to Insider Extreme subscribers, Beck University is a unique academic experience bringing together experts in the fields of religion, American history and economics. Through captivating lectures and interactive online discussions, these experts will explore the concepts of Faith, Hope and Charity and show you how they influence America’s past, her present and most importantly her future.

So don’t miss out on this amazing experience. Enroll in Beck University today

For a mere $10 bucks a month ($75 a year, which is a savings of $45 dollars over the monthly rate) you can learn about American history and American Future combines with heaping doses of the Bible, by a man who seemingly understands none of these concepts. But at least he'll finally have a legitimate excuse for that chalkboard. Oh, and his "Advance Crying Techniques" class will really be a study with the master, as will his "Recognizing the Investment Value of Gold, sponsored by Goldline" class. So join now, otherwise you'll miss out on "Faith 101," "Hope 101," and "Charity 101", which are literally the titles of the classes.

I mean this totally sounds like a legitimate thing and not yet another effort for Glenn to bilk his supporters with some sub-Nigerian e-mail scheme "education" malarkey. He has a crest and everything! It has George Washington on it and a buffalo and some Latin. "Tyrannis Seditio, Obsequium Deo," -> "Revolution against tyrants, submission to God." I bet that totally isn't also the pseudo-intellectual Latin motto of at least 30 or more rural militias.

Anything else I should know?

Beck University will be online-only and courses are not for credit.

I'm sure this has NOTHING to do with the fact that no accredited institution of higher learning would even think about recognizing the curriculum. BAH! I know where I want my masters degree in Faith 101 to come from and I ain't gonna let no gubmint tell me if it's valid or not! Higher education is a liberal plot lorded over by snooty progressive professors in ivory towers!

So if you've got a couple spare bucks and need a good laugh, you could do worse than Glen Beck University. Plus, it's got to be most people's safety school in case they don't get into the Glenn Beck Institute of Technology. It's much more reputable than Beck State is at any event. Everyone knows that's just a party school.