Cheap Blogging Crutch 07.01

Gregg Peltz's Victorian Star Wars portraits

Health care overlord Comrade Obama has unleashed his health care scheme on us. Now he has informed us of the exact schedule of and options we will have under the oppressive bootheel of his socialist scheme. Healthcare.gov gives people the rundown on the new health care policy, from the exact time the spirit of Lenin will possess your youngest child, to the brainwashing camp schedule, to when you can schedule the shock troops to kick in your door and stick grandma with a Bowie knife.

Talking Points Memo recounts the saga and details of the Russian spy ring and finds them lacking. Almost comically inept. From not actually getting any useful information, handing over their equipment to undercover FBI agents, to stating their address as 99 Fake Street, they weren't struggling to make the Russian espionage hall of fame. Not that any of this matters, this is all a viral marketing scheme for Salt... OPENING JULY 23RD!

All throughout this massive global financial crisis, we have been able to say one thing: we may have a government rife with banking shills and financial conglomerate insiders, but at least they're working for us. Like, putting us on the hook for billions of dollars worth of worthless Bear-Stearns assets... and then lied to Congress about it. So lets see, that makes it Bernanke, Geithner, most of the White House, every elected Republican, significant chunks of House Democrats, and every key Democrat in the Senate working to largely look out for the interests of the financial industry over citizens. Goddamn, Boehner was right... that's not nearly enough protection for the financial industry.

Soccer is taking hold, America. Sure, the US National Team, as is typical, shit itself about a round before it should have to realistically maximize this World Cup, but it's making inroads. How do we know? Landycakes' winner against Algeria broke the intarwebs and all associated internetting tubes. It was officially the biggest driver of internet traffic ever. Socialized medicine, liberals in charge, and gay no hands/no hitting sports taking over our consciousness? We're almost Europe, people. Or, alternately, a third world country if you follow John Oliver's math. If we don't eat sufficient amounts of red meat and blow up large chunks of this country over the weekend, we're essentially indistinguishable from Portugal.

We would like to join the world in wishing legendary effects maestro Ray Harryhausen a happy 90th birthday. Your Clash of the Titans still looked more real than this summer's Clash of the Titans. In honor of the man, here are fighting skeletons.