Wednesday, July 7, 2010

I like mine done medium-rare

What with loathed British shitbag Tony Hayward off to the Middle East to beg sheiks for bailout money in a way that doesn't result in him being made to wear a dress and join a harem, BP has been hurting for some really bad news that makes people hate them more. In fact, what with BP sponsoring our love of sky explosions and the baseball combined with this country's gnat-like attention span, the might even be inching their approval rating into that high teens Dick Cheney area.

So really, what's one thing they could do to really surprise and offend us in a new way so as to squander the good will they're getting as a result of spending about as much on PR as they are on the cleanup? Did I hear someone say "burn animals alive"? You know, ones bigger than the turtles? DING DING DING! Bonus points for the man in the back with the magnifying glass, ant-farm, and the sociopath's gaze.

They didn't even cook it right to get the diamond grill marks. Is there no corner they won't cut?

Now I know some of you are saying "How do we know this was BP's fault? How do we know that this whale didn't set itself on fire or swim into a controlled burn area on purpose in order to commit suicide, possibly over a whale romance gone bad?" Ok, valid points. To this I say what if BP set the whale on fire... because it knew too much!

But hell, maybe there is a valid scientific explanation that doesn't legally remonstrate BP for burning a giant sea creature. Science? Anyone from science want to present a plausible alternative theory? I know you're purposefully being kept away from this spill and your solutions are being ignored, so here's your chance to get in there and help.

What's that? A hypercarnivorous giant ancient whale shark that ate smaller whales, you say? I'm sure evolution could have had them develop some sort of rudimentary fire deployment system for cooking their food over the 12 million years since they last existed. Yes, that's clearly what happened here. A new giant species of super whale that's bears some sort of PR grudge against BP. I think we can close the books on this one. BP would never do this, they paid for fireworks one time.

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