Wednesday, July 7, 2010

Today in Jeebus

You know that feeling you get when you're in church? You know, that extra religious and spiritual feeling that causes you to think that some armed psychopath will bust through the stained glass window with an uzi halfway through the sermon and that you'll be unable to defend the congregation because OOH WON'T THE GOVERNMENT GET OFF THE WORKING MAN'S BACK AND ALLOW GUNS IN THE CHURCHES!!!!

Well Booby Jindal and the state of Louisiana have heard your prayers.
Gov. Bobby Jindal has signed into law one of the more controversial bills from the recent legislative session, one allowing guns to be carried into houses of worship.
Now if you think the homily is so good you could bust a cap, you can.

Unfortunately the man still doesn't want to allow rifles and assault weapons into church, to say nothing of bayonets. Still, if you go to a decent enough church you'll still be able to bring your army issue M-16 with bayonet to the obstacle course out back, where you'll be able to run through the rope course, crawl under barbed wire while Sister Agnes fires live rounds over your head, then you crawl through the stream, run through the tire obstacles, and finish by bayoneting a sandbag representation of the devil or Martin Luther.

As Jesus said in the Book of Armaments, "Fucking Christ, does that guy have a knife? No? I could have swore that he did. Look, I'm not feeling safe up here. Thomas, Philip, one of the James', bring a big fuck off spear next time. You know, to scare the riff-raff into silence during the beatitudes and keep the freaks from touching me. So sayeth the Lord."

But if you already have your fill of violence and Jesus, may I interest you in sex and Jesus? No no, you have Playboy Portugal to thank.

It's how I always pictured the Lord would look... cavorting with nude models in a magazine spread. Most times this would be relatively blasphemous and offensive, but this marks the least offensive sexual thing Jesus and the Church have been involved in over the past decade. Plus it makes His whole operation seem so less child molesty and rife with closeted gays and guys who prostitute out the Vatican choir. This is a tremendous step up for Christianity.

No comments: