Salesman in Chief

With the stimulus bill stalled in the senate, the economy swirling down the drain, and possibly only days out from a national "blame the black guy for it" movement, President Obama has taken his case to the ink stained wretches in the print media to speak to the American people. Obama wrote an op-ed. There's his first problem, no one reads papers anymore. He should have ponied up the cash and had Perez Hilton scribble out the basic outlines of the proposal over a picture of Lindsay Lohan looking drugged out. That's all America reads anymore. But still, here's some of his op-ed.

In recent days, there have been misguided criticisms of this plan that echo the failed theories that helped lead us into this crisis -- the notion that tax cuts alone will solve all our problems; that we can meet our enormous tests with half-steps and piecemeal measures; that we can ignore fundamental challenges such as energy independence and the high cost of health care and still expect our economy and our country to thrive.
...
I reject these theories, and so did the American people when they went to the polls in November and voted resoundingly for change.
...
So we have a choice to make. We can once again let Washington's bad habits stand in the way of progress. Or we can pull together and say that in America, our destiny isn't written for us but by us. We can place good ideas ahead of old ideological battles, and a sense of purpose above the same narrow partisanship. We can act boldly to turn crisis into opportunity and, together, write the next great chapter in our history and meet the test of our time.

Ideology? You actually ascribe an ideology behind the opposition? I'm with Dean Baker, there's nothing coherent about the opposition to keeping out country from turning into an agrarian barter economy, it's all politics. Maybe point that out, Barry. Or the fact that the Republican congress and the Republican President enacting Republican policies helped us into this mess, so we should listen to them.....why?

But it's still nice to know that even in times of crisis our political betters will rise to the occasion, stand up and say "Fuck this country, what's it all mean for the 2010 midterms? If we stall this stimulus the country will be so destitute and awful that they'll have no choice but to put us back in power."

Hudson Crash audio

CBS has got a hold of the black box audio recording of the pilots who safely landed the plane in the Hudson. Right now so many people are trying to listen to it that it kind of crashed the audio player they have, so I've decided to provide a partial transcript.

Pilot 1: Alright tower, we're in the air.
Pilot 2: You're going to want to look out for that huge flock of geese over there, maybe pull up a little.
Pilot 1: Shut the fuck up Johnson, shit like that is why you're a co-pilot and not a pilot.
Pilot 2: But sir, the engines...
Pilot 1: 'But sir'. You sound like a fucking woman. These are jet engines. JET ROCKET FUCKING ENGINES! I'll tear these birds up. Who can fly now, animal kingdom? FUCK THESE GEESE! FUCK THESE GEESE! FUCK THESE GEESE!
Pilot 2: Engine 2 is out and it's also on fire.

Now from right before the water landing.

Pilot 2: Don't you think we should get this plane over to LaGuardia for an emergency landing? It's very close, I think we can make it.
Pilot 1: Johnson, I swear to God if you don't give me all the money in your wallet I will smash this plane into a building!
Pilot 2: What the hell is wrong with you?
Pilot 1: Your mother is half Pakistani, they'll just assume you overpowered me on orders from bin Laden. They'll never suspect me, I'm a white man! Your money! NOW!
Pilot 2: Here you fucking lunatic, now try and make it over to LaGuardia.
Pilot 1: Fuck that shit, it's hero time! WAAAAAAAAAATER LAAAAAAANDING! Put on your hip waders Johnson and call my press agent, it's time for a dip.

The audio cuts out after that. Truly a heroic moment.

Gates is the insect king

Well, we were almost there. A milestone. We almost had one of the richest men in the world turn cartoonish supervillain on us. In front of a group of his peers, colleagues, and underlings, Bill Gates almost released a deadly animal into the room to kill the audience for their insolence. Except he chickened out.

Microsoft founder turned disease-battling philanthropist Bill Gates loosed mosquitoes at an elite Technology, Entertainment, Design (TED) Conference to make a point about the deadly sting of malaria.

"Malaria is spread by mosquitoes," Gates said while opening a jar onstage at a gathering known to attract technology kings, politicians, and Hollywood stars.

"I brought some. Here I'll let them roam around. There is no reason only poor people should be infected."

Gates waited a minute or so before assuring the audience the liberated insects were malaria-free.

I can just imagine the room reaction. Unease, followed by impending horror. Tony Robbins turns to Michael Eisner and asks if he's sure Bill is just fucking around. Philippe Starck makes his peace with God. Al Gore screams out "This maniac is trying to kill us all". Paul Allen looks into Bill's eyes to see if he has that crazy glazed over look like he did when he bashed that hookers head open in '83. The Bill tell them it's all a hilarious joke and they all laugh nervously while texting their bankers to cancel donations to the Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation.

Can one of you billionaires stop buying sports teams for a second and just kill a room of people to make a point about a global disease or problem? Then flee to your mountain fortress and threaten to launch nukes unless world leaders meet you demands of curing rheumatoid arthritis or upping child literacy levels? It would take some of the edge off the impending world economic collapse.

Free job application questionnaire

Dear Obama Administration, I have gone to the trouble of creating a foolproof job questionnaire for you to hand out to your prospective employees and cabinet level appointees. It seems you went and forgot to ask these questions.

1. Have you earned any money in the last few decades?

If Yes, move on to question 2. If No, start moving your shit into your new office.

2. Have you paid your taxes on that money you earned?

If Yes, move on to question 3. If No, go back and pay your fucking taxes like a big boy.

3. Are you positively sure you paid your taxes?

If Yes, move on up to that deeeee-luxe office in the sky, you finally got your piece of the pie. If No, go check. If  it turns out you did pay them, then you start on Monday. If you didn't pay your taxes then go and pay them you fucking infant.

Feel free to use it. No charge.

Regards,
Matthew

Because only pederasts still Rickroll

BOSSCOCKING~!

Broken News: Congressional Republicans declare opposition to gravity, kittens

WASHINGTON--Following a week that saw a unanimous GOP vote against President Obama's watered-down economic stimulus package, House Republicans today formally declared their intention to oppose anything and everything, regardless of the situation.

"Far left radicals have seized control of all three branches of the federal government," bellowed House Minority Leader John Boehner at an afternoon press conference. "Therefore we have no choice but to offer real leadership in the form of principled opposition to everything."

When asked what purpose such unyielding obstructionism might serve, Boehner tersely responded, "We do not recognize the legitimacy of the press and I am therefore under no requirement to answer it."

A brief and unpleasant exchange quickly followed, a portion of which included the following:

Reporter: You mean, sir, that you have no intention of answering any questions?

Boehner: What questions? I haven't heard any questions.

Reporter: Are you making a joke, sir?

Boehner: You know full well that the Republican party does not recognize the existence of humor.

Sources close to the minority leader report he currently compiling a comprehensive list of things that Congressional Republicans will oppose in unity. While the full list will not be available for at least a week, initial reports suggest that it will include the law of gravity, free refills, the color orange, straight-to-DVD motion pictures, arglebargle, foofaraw, Australian cattle dogs, the writings of French philosopher Nicolas Malebranche, spiral-bound notebooks, the films of Dyan Cannon, kissing on the first date, monocles, manacles, calling sandwiches ‘sammiches’, and the 1984 Milwaukee Brewers.

In a supplemental release, Republican Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell announced that Senate Republicans would tack a rider onto the list that included opposition to continence, mental acuity, dignity, speaking without a ridiculous southern accent, possessing a discernible neck, and to doing something other than fiddling while Rome burns.

When asked why they were moving forward so aggressively with their opposition to everything, Representative Eric Cantor, the Minority Whip, responded. “Well, quite frankly Nancy Pelosi said something mean to us again. We were all waiting to get into the elevator and she stepped out, held the door, and asked if we were going down. We took that to be a declaration that she was telling us we were ‘Going down!’ and that she was going to take us down any which way she could. In addition to pretending it was a taunt we are pretending it was a disgusting insult towards one of my senior staffers, who has a child with Down’s syndrome.”

Cantor continued, “This is going to be part of our larger strategy. In addition to opposing everything were are also going to be outraged at things that didn’t happen, statements that were taken out of context, made up quotes, and government reports that never existed. I think you’ve already seen us get mad over that CBO stimulus report that didn’t exist, wait till you hear us bitch about new ones. You know the GAO report that says in order to pay for the stimulus Joe Biden is going to have to rape every American’s dog in a dingy shed out behind the White House? We’re really pissed about that one.”

In an immediate response the Democratic Caucus announced they were switching Congressional hours from 9am to 5pm to 9pm to 5am “…just to be dicks” and announced a renewed effort towards scuffing up Republicans wingtips in the coat room with repeated foot stampings and kicks. A spokesman for Assistant Majority Leader Senator Dick Durbin also observed that Cantor’s position as “Minority Whip” intimated his racial animus towards the black and Latino communities.

Republicans hope to have the full plan rolled out by the end of the week and the feeling inside the caucus is that they will have completely pulled the entirety of government down onto themselves by early May.

The comprehensive map of human futures

From Matt Jones. Top left is sort of a Terminator robot war/Mad Max scenario, bottom right is a sort of Soylent Green or Day of the Triffids existence. Just so you know exactly where we're headed.

Quote of the day

Joe the Plumber on elected office:

As for his own political career, America will just have to wait six years until his son grows up.

“I don’t know if the American public deserve me,” he said

Come on, NY Daily News, you have to give more context to that quote. Did he mean it in a "I'm too good for the American people" way or is he beginning to realize the full weight of his crushing ignorance? Because judging by his tour of Israel, his McCain Campaign conduct, his advising Republicans, and some of the other quotes in the article, I really think he thinks he's too good for us. America needs to know what he meant, so we can properly calibrate just how hard we're supposed to laugh.

We deserve it, we elected Democrats

Dick Cheney's on the loose again, ready to jump out of the closet and say "Boo!" in an attempt to get us to shit ourselves. This time he's warning of terrorist attacks killing everyone we love because Democrats have weakened our defenses that were bearing so much positive fruit during the Bush years. Unclear if Cheney was on a street corner with a sandwich board with "THE END IS NEAR" printed on it yelling this or if someone really thought we needed to hear Dick Cheney's thoughts on why everyone will be killed if we even take a second to reconsider Bush policies.

Former Vice President Dick Cheney warned that there is a “high probability” that terrorists will attempt a catastrophic nuclear or biological attack in coming years, and said he fears the Obama administration’s policies will make it more likely the attempt will succeed.

In an interview Tuesday with Politico, Cheney unyieldingly defended the Bush administration’s support for the Guantanamo Bay prison and coercive interrogation of terrorism suspects.

And he asserted that President Obama will either backtrack on his stated intentions to end those policies or put the country at risk in ways more severe than most Americans — and, he charged, many members of Obama’s own team — understand.

Only Dick Cheney understands the dangers we face, except he didn't actually understand them enough to implement a single useful policy during eight years. But he did have a man sized safe. What he fails to understand is that many Americans would welcome a terrorist attack, the more dead the better. It'll be less competition out there for jobs, food, and the position as dominant ape in your post-apocalyptic tribe. Frankly if we want any shot of rebuilding after Bush's economic apocalypse we're going to need Obama to give us a nuclear apocalypse just to give us some breathing space to reassess and move forward.

It's a good article by any rate. You hear Cheney defend some indefensible policy that has hindered our attempts to fight terrorism or protect our borders and you can almost see him excitedly putting his hand up for a high five and holding it there for an awkward amount of time, before slowly lowering it and glaring at the interview who wouldn't hit him up high or down low. Most interesting were his thoughts on diplomacy (doesn't work), American prisons (somehow unable to handle Arab terrorists), the McRib sandwich (a taste explosion in his mouth), and his grandchildren (they're going to get a lot of spankings and time in the shame closet).

Let them eat....a pretty expensive cake

Executive pay on Wall Street has gotten out of hand. Millions and millions going out for decisions that have threatened to turn us into the world pictured in Mad Max, but without all the nice frills. So President Obama is stepping in and saying enough! You executives want government money? You'll have to cut your caviar baths back to one a week.

Call it the maximum wage. President Barack Obama wants to impose a $500,000 pay cap on executives whose firms receive government financial rescue funds, a dramatic intervention into corporate governance in the midst of financial crisis.

The new restrictions, described by an administration official familiar with the new rules, are to be announced Wednesday morning at the White House. The steps set the stage for the administration's unveiling next week of a new framework for spending the money that remains in the $700 billion financial rescue fund.

"If the taxpayers are helping you, then you've got certain responsibilities to not be living high on the hog," President Barack Obama said Tuesday.

That's right, you'll have to live sort of hunched over, riding a tad lower on the hog. Still pretty high, but not at the hog's highest point. $500,000. America's top executives now reduced to being paid like backup defensive ends and shortstops who hit .230. Now even by government standards this is an incredibly weak measure. It applies only to companies taking "exceptional assistance" which will probably be defined so high as to affect no one. Banks that are getting assistance but are considered healthy can decide to opt out....but only if they disclose their compensation structure and put it up to the stockholders for.....a nonbinding vote. Ouch, nonbinding votes, the harshest rebuke in current contemporary society. At least according to the Obama Administration.

The other proposals include requiring executives to hold their stock options for years before cashing out, giving shareholders lots more nonbinding votes on pay restrictions and hilariously calling them "say on pay" votes, and making executives attend a conference on executive compensation. Odds that these executive will fly into the conference on moderation in their million dollar private jets and stay at five star hotels: 1-1. But I'm sure they'll learn something. So look out corporate America, if you want taxpayer bailouts you better be ready to stay in a tax bracket higher than 99% of Americans and suffer the wrath of nonbinding votes! No free pie and cake either. OK, a small slice.

Technicality

Headline on Politico

Obama’s toughest week yet

For those of you keeping track at home, tomorrow officially ends the first two working weeks of Obama's Presidency. Your American newsmedia everyone, stand back and marvel.

Politico: because People and OK! don't cover enough politics.

Change comes to Google Maps

Cheney lives here

Biden lives here

Want to know how far Dick Cheney's secretive grasp extended? All the way to Google Maps aerial photos of the Naval Observatory where he lived. During the Bush Administration you could see the White House, Pentagon, Area 51, and various landmarks that looked like penises from space, but you couldn't see Dick's pad. Not until the week he moved out, whereupon you were deemed to have high enough security clearance to see what the roof of the place looked like. Did he want the homeless furnaces hidden, didn't want NASA to see him sunbathe nude, or didn't want people learning his secret Masonic grass patterns? Or was Dick Cheney such an incredibly hypocritical shit that he had Google blur out his house while he was rifling through your underwear drawer? I think it was the homeless furnace thing.

Google's official position is that it was just an incredible coincidence that somehow also sounds exactly like something Cheney would pull, but I think the spokespeople know better to speak out on Cheney lest they be transported to his ranch to be hunted for sport. So there you are, life has provided you with the thousandth visual metaphor representing the changeover from Bush to Obama. They really are gone for good.

Notes on your culture

While over 400 years of evidence might suggest otherwise, occasionally your corporate masters do, in fact, get what they deserve.

(CNN) -- Denny's restaurants across North America were jammed Tuesday with patrons hungry to take advantage of the restaurant chain's Grand Slam breakfast giveaway.

Denny's announced in a commercial Sunday during the Super Bowl that it would give away its signature breakfast from 6 a.m. until 2 p.m. local time Tuesday at all its restaurants in the U.S., Canada and Puerto Rico.

Some patrons were still wearing their pajamas and slippers, and strangers were crowding together into booths, CNN affiliate KSL-TV in Salt Lake City, Utah, reported.

Thank you, America, for helping me through this cold, snowy February day. Just when I was ready to sink chest-high in the post-Super Bowl malaise of this idiotic, TPS Report life I've resigned myself to, you completely redeem me with kindling for the mental fire that condemns, with righteous fucking anger, anything involving sadly overweight people rubbing sweat stains whilst waiting for their latest dose of Moons Over My Hammy ®.

All you ever needed to know about Pittsburgh

As of now we are about one hour out from the start of the Steelers Super Bowl parade through downtown Pittsburgh. Every single channel is not only there, but has started their coverage an hour ahead of time. They have all their people positioned every 20 feet, and have them delivering reports about something that isn't going to happen for an hour. What do those reports sound like? "Yeah, I'm cold and there's people lining up everywhere. These people sure love their Steelers!" then they cut to a guy 20 feet down the street who repeats the exact same information, only from 20 feet up the line.

Then they cut to the main parade hosts (Sally motherfuckin' Wiggin!!!!!) where they dish out some information like "Ben and Santonio are going to be in the last car holding the trophy", then they go through the entire lineup of sidewalk standers who repeat the "Yeah, I'm cold and there's people lining up everywhere. These people sure love their Steelers!" thing, but adding "These people can't wait to see Ben and Santonio at the end with the trophy." This sequence will continue until the hosts add a new slice of information which the chain will also add to their spiel.

This will go on for an hour. No commercials. It will be among the highest rated programming blocks for the year. I am watching intently as we speak. This is normal Pittsburgh behavior.

Pittsburgh: where we do a pre-game for our sports parades.

EDIT: Epic. Mike Tomlin walking the streets like a South American dictator, Dan Rooney emotionally grabbing Woodley and telling the audience a story about him, Alby Oxenreiter stepping in horseshit, Sheldon Ingram threatening to fuck up Tomlin because he was riding briefly in a cardinal red convertible, William Gay/Brian McFadden dance off, James Farrior stealing the mike from emcee Bob Pompeani then proceeding to emcee 45 minutes worth of the parade, Pitt center Dejuan Blair hopping into one of the cars and joining the parade, Troy Polamalu serenading the audience with the entirety of Styx's Renegade despite not knowing any of the words, Jeff Reed telling inside jokes and apologizing to the crowd because they wouldn't get them, awkward mic performances by backups, and the final words from the stage: "Barack Obama, we coming to get ya! Get ready!"

Phelps and Chong

Now that the economy is fixed and everything is OK, America can finally focus on what's important: photos of Michael Phelps smoking a bong. America, do we crucify him or do we put a crown of thorns on him, take his gold medals, and then crucify him? We trusted you Michael! This is almost enough for us as a people to take our focus off of trying to give Jessica Simpson an eating disorder. Thank God the law is getting serious about putting this criminal behind bars.

Richland County Sheriff Leon Lott says he will charge Michael Phelps with a crime if he determines the Olympics hero smoked marijuana in Richland County...

...Possession of marijuana is a misdemeanor, punishable by up to 30 days in jail or a $570 fine, plus court costs.

But Lott seems to be the only person talking about making a case against Phelps. Both the USC and Columbia Police Departments said they would not pursue charges.

You will not be able to see Michael Phelps' eyes because of tea shades, but his knuckles will be white from inner tension and his pants will be crusted with semen from constantly jacking off when he can't find a rape victim. Sadly though, this arrest will probably never happen seeing as of yet they have not invented the technology that can go into a photograph and scientifically prove what someone is smoking or snorting. Or if they have invented that technology it certainly hasn't gotten to South Carolina. But at least the SC sheriff gets to look like a big man for a few days and we get to shame a national hero for weed, instead of giving him an extra medal for destroying the swimming world while high.

This does however dash a dream of mine: seeing a police chase involving Phelps, where the cops are chasing him in cars and helicopters on seaside roads and he's furiously butterflying up the coast, pulling away from them.

Your new Republican party

Joe the Plumber advises GOP-ers

Fresh off his stint as a war correspondent in Gaza, Joe the Plumber is now doing political strategy with Republicans.

When GOP congressional aides gather Tuesday morning for a meeting of the Conservative Working Group, Samuel Joseph Wurzelbacher – more commonly known as Joe the Plumber — will be their featured guest. This group is an organization of conservative Capitol Hill staffers who meet regularly to chart GOP strategy for the week.

Michael Steele, new RNC Chairman

Michael Steele had a lot to overcome. One of his opponents, the sitting GOP Chair from South Carolina, had just resigned from an all white country club and admitted that he became a Republican in reaction to his personal experience with desegregation. Another opponent, Chip Saltsman, sent out a wildly racist CD to RNC members which included the now infamous Magic Negro and Star Spanglish Banner songs.

Anyone wonder why they're the minority party and in danger of becoming the regional south only party? Not only are you taking political advice from the guy who thinks taxes are socialism and the military should have autonomous control over the media to keep the truth from getting out, they elected Michael Steele to head your party, but only barely ahead of the guy who resigned from a whites only country club the week before and who became a Republican because Democrats let black people go to his school.

Michael Steele, whose '06 Senate campaign saw him lose by double digits to a man without a discernible pulse and saw Steele unveil his brilliant campaign strategy of pretending to be a Democrat (even printing up blue placards that said Steele Democrat, and handing out fliers in black neighborhoods that said he was a democrat) and stumping around the state in a bus with Mike Tyson and Don King. He also made up a story about a racially motivated attack (people throwing Oreos at him) and was the guy the RNC used to trot out whenever someone in the party did something egregiously racist and needed him to provide some "It's no big deal" cover.

The strategy sessions between those two ought to be dynamite. Though really I guess they don't really have to strategize beyond "Oppose Obama", "Oppose Obama w/filibuster", "Blame Obama for the stuff that Bush did". The job practically does itself.

Get 'em while they're hot.

The lovely poor children of the world will really enjoy their new shirts from the world champion Cardinals.

TheseBastards Book Club recommendation

Pride and Prejudice and Zombies, Quirk Books, Paperback, $12.95

Broken In Brief: Steelers fans celebrate Super Bowl with dignity, restraint

PITTSBURGH--In a somber moment of quiet reflection, thousands of Pittsburgh Steelers fans marched at a slow pace to the city center to commemorate their team's record-setting sixth Super Bowl title last night.

Following the quiet trek, meant to signify their beloved team's steady progress through the postseason, an hour-long candlelight vigil and mass-prayer was held. Revelers patiently waited their turn to offer personal football-related stories and anecdotes reinforcing just how much this victory meant to them and the region as a whole.

"This is truly a transcendent moment in Pittsburgh sports history," said Mary Danville of Turtle Creek. "For this storied franchise to assert its preeminence in the salary cap age is truly a remarkable and humbling achievement. Praise be to God for this marvelous blessing."

Once all those who wished to had shared their individual affirmations, the crowd peacefully dispersed, careful to dispose of any trash in the area. Many, having had a beer or two during the game, boarded public transportation and headed home, eager to wake up for a good day's work in the City of Champions. City officials remarked that the level of peacefulness and humility on display made them wonder if the Super Bowl parade tomorrow would even need a police presence of any sort.

62 Scat Flasher

We are the Montreal Canadians, we are the Boston Celtics, we are Manchester United, we are UCLA basketball, we are the New York Yankees, we are the Pittsburgh Steelers and we have more Super Bowls than anyone else in the sport. Enjoy the view from behind San Francisco, Dallas, and the rest of the NFL.

62 Scat Flasher. That's it, that's the name of the play that will go down in Steelers history and Super Bowl history as one of the greatest throws and catches ever. And it's illustrious name sounds like something you'd never forgive your friend for sending you a video of. 62 Scat Flasher. On the drive home radio guys were already trying to create a name for it. Ben to 10, the Stretch, the Immaculate Extension, whatever. Name or no name, get used to seeing it forever on the highlights. ESPN, in their full on "Everything that just happened is the best ever" mode, named the top 10 Super Bowl plays ever last night, in at #10 was one of Fitzgerald's TD catches, James Harrison's electrifying FU TAINT came in at #3, and the Holmes catch was #1.

I will buy into the hype that might have been the best Super Bowl ever played. From start to finish it was exciting and the 4th quarter was especially nerve wracking, combining rage, disbelief, elation, confidence, fear, the stomach kick of the Bettis Indy fumble, and the elation of......I don't know how to describe it, it set the new bar. It also had one of the most mind boggling penalties you'll ever witness, the Jeff Hartwig "hold" that resulted in a safety. How could he hold the man? He was too busy getting knocked on his ass. The Steelers did what all great teams do (i.e not Seattle), shook off the call and got down to fucking business, even shaking off a another holding penalty from the line on the last drive.

Final thoughts.

• No one can talk shit on Ben ever again. He can hold the ball for as long as he fucking wants, because he pulled out at least 8 or 9 "holy shit" scramble throws, including just about every throw he made on the final drive.
• I have a feeling Santonio will never be called San Antonio again.
• The O-line still sucks.
• On that last play Holmes was pretty much the only receiving option as Ward was severely banged up and Nate Washington injured his arm on his catch earlier in the drive (which is why he was in a sling post-game), and both were essentially serving as decoys. Think about that.
• Triple coverage. Think about that.
• The Harrison TAINT was the biggest play of the game, bar none.
• With his constant shank punts resulting in turnovers because of balls doinking off unsuspecting up-men and extra possessions because of getting bowled into horrifically by idiots, Mitch Berger is your accidental playoffs MVP.
• Get well Daniel Sepulveda.
• Dick LeBeau. Exclamation point.
  
• The O-Line still sucks.
• Woodley. Another playoff game, another 2 sacks.
  
• Bruce Arians will never be fired.
• What happened to Ken Whisenhunt's mind powers?
  
• I think these Rooney people know what they're doing.
• How's that "Gary Russell won't score" prop bet look now Sports Guy and Cousin Sal?
• Less than two hours after the Steelers won, Bob Pompeani, Jory Rand, and Bob Smizik were intently discussing the Steelers upcoming moves in free agency. They at least had the decency to not break down the draft.
• Who do we draft? O-Line, right?
• Football is a mental disease.
• The O-Line still sucks.
• #1 D, 8-1 in Super Bowls. Team with a TAINT, 10-0 in Super Bowls.
• Woo.
  

....from the heart of the maelstrom

from TB photojournalist correspondent Nathaniel "Last name redacted to protect his identity", comes a photo reconstruction of Oakland in the moments after the Steelers captured #6. For those of you keeping track at home, that's in front of Posvar Hall and the Pitt Student Union, right by the Cathedral of Learning. Cops everywhere, fire everywhere, horses, fire trucks, masses of humanity, open container laws being violated everywhere, helicopters buzzing around, it felt like everyone had just committed a crime on Grand Theft Auto and the police alert level was 3 stars at least.

The new mayor of Oakland


Spoils of war


Former trees surrounding the Cathedral of Learning, they were sacrificed for the greater good.






The Mayor, explaining the new order of life in our Steelerocracy.

Because Six is Six and anything else is, well, not Six

Matthew reports that there are couch-fueled bonfires on Forbes Avenue. The online local radio feed keeps pulling its hand from Ben Roethlisberger's cock just long enough to mention riots. And I can't shake the feeling that a bitter nuevo-Cardinals fan has had one too many Kamikaze shots at Big Roy's Bar and Knothole-Fuckery in Tampa and is about to wander out into a wall of poor decision-making.

I am proud of you, Pittsburgh.

As for the rest of you, well...


Six.

Distraction Junction

Five hours left. Tired of reading about Kurt Warner's personal relationship with Jesus. Did you hear that Ken Whisenhunt and Russ Grimm used to be coaches for the Steelers? That Larry Fitzgerald is from another planet? That Hines Ward injured his knee a couple of weeks back? Me either, but Matthew and I are working tirelessly to confirm these reports.

Must kill time. Given that there is no shortage of Steelers fans poking around TheseBastards, I figure I should at least attempt to provide distraction. This is more for me than any of you, but feel free to read anyway. Time for some linkage.

One of the smarter gents on the Intarw3bz, Atrios, picks the Steelers.

Pretty funny CNN interview with Christian Lander, creator of Stuff White People Like.

Also important sporting event: Nadal beats Federer in five sets to win the Australian Open.

Joe Lieberman, supporter of torture, thinks waterboarding is fucking hilarious.

Ann Curry has no business talking about football.

New RNC Chairman Michael Steele enjoys the distinction of being the only man to assume the post after having endured an "Oreo Cookie Incident."

For those of you keeping score at home, Steele also coined that "Drill Baby Drill" bullshit.

Courtesy of Mondesi's House, a collection of Steelers motivational videos.

Back to the whiskey. Large Benjamin loves Jesus more than you. James Harrison is the dominant Silverback. Hines Ward doesn't need no stinkin' knee. The Cardinals are a sucker bet. As you were.

Gameday.

Super Sunday

Six is a good number

Finally, after two weeks of incessant bullshit and media hype sucking the will to live out of everyone who is unfortunate enough to turn on the NFL Network or ESPN for more than five seconds, the event of the year is here. Bruce Springsteen is going to play a halftime show! Also, some sort of televised sporting event will bookend the performance.

Stillers vs. Cardinals. Dynasty vs. the only team that used to suck worse than the Lions, historically. Finally the game is happening and from what I hear the Steelers should just pack it up already because Kurt Warner has God, puppies and Larry Fitzgerald on his side and all we have is a bunch of plays that will be rendered useless by the mind powers of Ken Whisenhunt. Oh it was a fateful day when he stumbled onto that abandoned nuclear waste facility and gained his super powers. Now with his ability to not only read the mind of Ben Roethlisberger and the rest of the Steelers he coached and his ability to erase his tendencies and playcalling from the mind of those same players and coaches, he is nigh unstoppable. Now only Whisenhunt holds the advantage of having coached here, there is nothing that anyone on the Steelers could have learned about him. Nothing! Despair! ESPN said so!

Of course back in the real world we have the #1 D in just about everything. What does that mean? Well out of the last 8 times the team with the #1 D went to the Super Bowl, they won 7 of those games, almost all of them by blowout margins. As for Kurt Warner's God? Well we might even have out-God'ed him. Troy Polamalu's waaay into Greek Orthodox Christianity. He's down with God without any of the nasty side-effects of the Evangelical community. Eat it Warner, the baby Jesus loves Troy! There are other reasons we should win, but the #1 D flanked by the floating spectre of the holy trinity empowering the Steelers with God juice is reason enough as it is. Also, the mayor of Phoenix and the Cards mascot disrespected the Terrible Towel, this either means they doomed the Cards to a loss or the city of Phoenix is going to burn to the ground. Curses are powerful things.

On the picks front ESPN's "experts" seem tilted to us, 2/3rds of Fox's experts are with the Steelers Nation, Don Banks of SI.com went with us, while Yahoo's Michael Silver went with the Cards, Barry's with us, as is Keith Olbermann, Wolf Blitzer thinks we'll win by 32 points, but President Dwayne Elizondo Mountain Dew Herbert Camacho has decided to go with the Cardinals, along with turncoat scumbag Dr. Joyce Brothers, Daniel Baldwin (who I thought was dead), this chick with a huge rack who wrote five paragraphs on the subject, and Kato Kaelin, who went with the Cards because he is staying in Russ Grimm's house. Here are more celebrity picks, because you really need to know what Stacy Kiebler and Kevin James think about the game. Most of the local writers went for the Steelers, but Mike "Russ Grimm is the next head coach of the Steelers" Prisuta went for the brass ring and picked the Cardinals. I'm sure he won't have to hear about that until the day he dies..

I sez the Steelers win and cover. Feels like a Heath Miller/Lamar Woodley MVP performance. Maybe Parker. TB congrats to Rod Woodson on being yet another Steeler to make it to Canton. Kickoff is at 6:28. With commercials, the 1st quarter should be over by 8:30, halftime by 11:00, and the final seconds of the game should be wrapping up around noon tomorrow.