Broken in Brief: Terminally unfunny man won't stop making two man luge jokes

BOSTON—“Boy, does one of them have to buy the other one dinner after this event? HAW HAW HAW,” brayed interminable oaf Danny Wallen earlier today during NBC’s televised contesting of the two man luge at the Vancouver Olympics.

“Hey, how come the flag on their leotards isn’t a rainbow one? Bwah Ha Ha!” he continued, testing the mental limits of his surrounding friends and family as they tried to enjoy proceedings that only occur once every four years.

Indeed all morning he has subjected his alleged loved ones to an unrelenting barrage of terribly obvious and unfunny gay jokes towards a sport where, he was horrified to find out, two men have to touch to partake in the event.

As of yet, none of his so called family has yet had the guts to stand up and tell him that ragging on the supposed gayness of the two man luge is well worn territory that hundreds of thousands of people have already trodden in much more amusing and less hideously offensive ways.

In fact the only utterances that have been offered up in opposition was an under the breath, tersely muttered “Shut up, shut up, shut up,” by long suffering wife Phyllis Wallen after the quote unquote love of her life offered up his views on the various sports under contention at the Olympics; namely that men’s figure skating, bobsled, the Nordic combined, the Danish people, and NBC analyst Dick Button were “gay”, “super gay”, “for gays, by gays”, “a gay pastry”, and “a homo” respectively.

Neighbors believe that unless Mr. Wallen relents in testing out his sub-CBS sitcom grade material, that the situation will devolve into an awkward situation where friends angrily confront him and throw him out of his own house, followed by a teary, angry coming out by his son, Danny Jr.

As of press time, Wallen seemed unaware of the mood of the room and cracked off a zinger about how the groin of one luger is touching the back/hindquarter area of another to the sound of his own guffaws.

Broken In Brief: Chronic premature ejaculator to imagine Steve Largent next time

Tulsa, OK--Plagued by premature ejaculation for years, local systems analyst Roger Goodwin, 41, has decided that his next attempt to satisfy his wife will require visualizing Hall of Fame wide receiver and former Republican Congressman, Steve Largent.

Goodwin, who has not made his wife climax through intercourse since the first Clinton term, believes that picturing the former Congressman from Oklahoma's 1st district in various states of disrobe will enable him to finally feel like a man.

Largent, who held virtually every NFL receiving record at the time of his retirement in 1989, is the eleventh consecutive professional athlete, and first Seattle Seahawk, Goodwin has erected as a mental bulwark against his embarrassing affliction. Previous failures include baseball great Yogi Berra, Portland Trailblazers center Greg Oden, and This Old House master carpenter Norm Abram.

"I can only hope that these mental gymnastics will finally allow me to experience that magical part of intercourse known as the second thrust," Goodwin said while rubbing down his groin with a Novocaine paste. "Furthermore, it is my fondest wish that by eclipsing the one minute mark I will finally be able to silence my wife and her friend's hushed whispering that my premature ejaculation and persistent visualization of of male athletes and burly woodworkers has led them to the inexorable conclusion that I am a deeply closeted homosexual."

This! Is! THESE BASTARDS!

The people who fight for civilization, and those who seek its destruction.

The left would see us all destroyed for nothing more than their own vile power and purposes. It is up to us—all of us—to stop them.

If 300 can hold of a million, you can make a difference.

You are the tip of the spear. You are Leonides.

Feel like the left is too powerful? Keep fighting.

Does it seem like their arrows are blotting out the sun? Fight in the shade.

Does Obama loom like the god-king Xerxes? Never kneel.

HE'S ON TO US!! SCATTER, SCATTER!!!! REGROUP AT THE SECRET LOCATION!!!!!

THIS BATTLE'S NOT OVER COOK! WE HAVE WAYS OF UNDERMINING THIS COUNTRY THAT YOU HAVEN'T EVEN CONCEIVED OF YET!