I am so surprised

Another day, another couple of stories that make you wish you could punch a physical representation of BP right in the sack. First was the story that the rig was damaged and leaking for weeks before the final, catastrophic explosion/mega-leak occurred.

An oil worker who survived the BP Deepwater Horizon explosion has claimed that the oil rig's safety equipment was leaking several weeks before it exploded, triggering the huge spill in the Gulf of Mexico.

Tyrone Benton says that he spotted a leak on the rig's Blowout Preventer (BOP), the device that is meant to shut the well down if there is an accident. He told the BBC's Panorama programme that both BP and Transocean, who owned the rig, were informed of the leak, and the faulty part – a control pod – was switched off rather than being repaired.

Wonderful. It's not like the blowout preventer failure and leaks were a major part of the problem, were they? Oh, they were. Super.

But that wasn't all.

BP has been accused by a senior US politician of lying to Congress to reduce its liabilities, after an internal company document showed that the oil giant's own worst-case assessment of the size of the oil leak in the Gulf of Mexico was 20 times its public estimate.

In the document, BP attempts to put a figure on the rate of oil spewing into the ocean. It notes that if the condition of the well bore deteriorates to the extent that crucial parts fall off, the rate could reach 100,000 barrels a day.

When the company handed the document to Congress, it was claiming the leak was only 5,000 barrels a day, and that at very worst the figure could rise to 60,000.

The document was circulated by Ed Markey, the Democratic head of the House sub-committee on energy and the environment.

Nice. Well, it's not like accurate numbers on the size of the oil leak is something that would have been useful.

Look, I'm just going to advise you all on a tactic that I've undertook in order to preserve some level of sanity during this whole mess. It'll help you and it'll also help BP. I'm generous like that.

In all circumstances and under all conditions: assume the worst. Right now your working thesis on the entire disaster is that BP, in conjunction with Hitler's robot brain and the Anti-Christ, purposefully exploded their own well and caused this leak in an effort to drive up the price of gas, ruin seafood restaurants, kill cute animals, destroy the world's oceans, and end all life as we know it. In an effort to conceal this fact, they have engaged in the systematic murder of anyone who has figured this out and are in the process of bribing every elected official and law enforcement agency everywhere in order to do their bidding and cover this up. Also, at some point, they drowned a burlap sack full of kittens in the Gulf for fun.

Now how does this benefit you or BP? Well, whenever you hear some new horrifying fact, some awful scientific study on the environmental impact, some new revelation about BP's lax safety records or their naked pursuit of money, or another story about dishonesty, lying, and cover-ups following the spill, you can look at your loved ones and say ''Whew!, Well at least that isn't as bad as the whole global conspiracy, Hitler robot, destroy the earth , murder cover-up plan I heard about. I am relieved.'' You'll feel better in no time.

You're welcome.

Broken News: China says “Fuck it", opens salmonella factory

BEIJING—After several embarrassing public health scares caused by salmonella laced foods, melamine laced baby formula, toys found laced with lead and the drug GHB, and a recent public opinion indictment involving the Uncle Chen and Lian How brands, China has decided to throw up its hands, say “fuck it”, and open a factory that produces nothing but salmonella.

“Honestly, it’s time,” announced David Han, a spokesman for the Mu Bai Group, which is funding this venture jointly with the Chinese government. “All we seem to be able to produce are goods that are too toxic for human contact or consumption. The country sees no further point in putting up pretenses about our industrial abilities. This stance frees us to begin manufacturing the shit wholesale, with what we predict will be 35-40% greater efficiency. Production should commence by the end of the 2nd quarter.”

The company's first product, a lead-lined bag full of GHB-spiked salmonella, will retail for $19.99 and should be available for the Christmas rush. MBG’s hope is that American consumers will be eager to stop playing games of “which product is tainted?” enabled by two decades of outsourced manufacturing capacity and just be relieved to buy a product they know for certain is extraordinarily dangerous.

Many within the Chinese communist government hierarchy are hoping that the new development of this burgeoning industry will be able to provide a much needed economic boost to China, which has seen its GDP output slow to the weakest levels on record during the global financial crisis.

“Sure, we’d love if this were some new growth industry; the next Silicon Valley,” observed Hong Tsai, a junior deputy at the Ministry of Commerce. “And we are acutely aware that there just might not be a market for bagged bacteria, mind erasing hallucinogens, and dangerous metals. Not outside of Africa, anyway. But if we flood the market with these products, then eventually the world will be forced to pay us to stop. So it’s really a win-win.”

While Tsai was reluctant to reveal more about the future of this new policy, he did indicate that China has many similar projects intended to provoke the ire and financial restitution from a threatened world on the horizon. They include turning Shandonga Province into a five square-mile pit of burning car tires, a factory that grinds dangerous and poisonous metals into microscopic dust and loads them into weather balloons, and inundating the toy market with products that are little more than crudely painted, lead laced daggers.

Sources close to the government say that this new initiative was launched after the Chinese saw the success that Somali pirates were having hijacking ships.

“If they can get millions for taking hostages and letting them go, surely we can get millions -- billions even -- for not shipping out dangerous materials and poisoning the world, right?” asked government spokesman Qi Zhaoxu. “Sure, US Navy SEAL snipers might have to shoot a couple of us in retaliation, but what are three people to China anyway? There’s a billion of us.”

Zhaoxu added, “It’s really just an extension of our plan to poison the athletes of the world with smog in pursuit of athletic glory for the Motherland. We just started thinking bigger and thinking about our economic glory. Or ‘non-collapse’ as it appears.”

The Chinese hopes to have either a large stack of cash in non-sequential numbers, preferably Euros, or American citizens feeling nauseous and vomiting, progressing to abdominal pains and diarrhea by early 2010. With any luck they think the public will be going through advanced stages of gastroenteritis, entric fever, and bacteremia by midyear.

Saturday Sunday News Hole

Katrina's Hidden Race War
Just in case you were starting get warm and fuzzy nostalgic feelings about Hurricane Katrina, the Nation and A.C. Thompson swoops in to disabuse you of any such notions. How does roving gangs of whites murdering black people sound? How does no one being prosecuted sound? Well there at least might be some change on that second front. Because of the Nation's reporting the NOPD is at least going to put forth a sham investigation, claiming that they had never ever heard of this before the Nation report. An additional story here, and a documentary on the events here.

Going Green For Beer
Aside from making us a nation of car drivers and defacto air cattle, our dumb transportation policy and lax rail system in this country makes alcohol more destructive then 1,000 atomic bombs. OK, not really, but our shitty system of public transportation makes driving the most likely option and increases the risk and frequency of drunk driving. So remember, you just don't want better mass transit because of the environment, you want it because it'll give you more options when you try to drown your pain in alcohol every day Friday night. Though one of the downsides of having an improved rail system? Losing the look of terror on a Europeans face when you tell them how long it will take to get anywhere in this country by train.

Mule Credited With Saving Woman From Fire
Odds that this happened in the south? 1-1. What this story fails to note is that the mule set this fire and was laughing at the destruction it caused, not waking it's owners. We've been at war with pyromaniac animals since that cow that started the Chicago fire, the gaggle of geese that torched London, and that Christian horse that burnt Rome and spread rumors about Nero fiddling during the blaze. Animals: not to be trusted.

Obama Continuing Fight To Keep Blackberry
The first major fight of the Obama Presidency isn't going to be over gays in the military, the stimulus, or forced abortions for all, it'll be over his beloved Crackberry. He thinks he needs it to keep in touch with outside opinions and get information faster, others note that it is one of the least secure devices ever and can be hacked by the Chinese in a hot minute. Maybe they need to make that point a little louder to Barry. Put it away Mr. President, tell Larry Summers you LOL'd over his last chain e-mail in person.

Obama's Presidential Limo Will Be a 'Rolling Tank With Windows'
Just try shooting at our new President with your fancy rocket launchers and pimped out German surplus Panzers. No really, the Secret Service is daring you to. Five inch think windows, 19.5 inch thick tires (rollin on 20's), a locking mechanism that locks the car down like a bank vault, tractor trailer frame, steel reinforced plating in door gaps, a 10 CD changer, flame retardant dice, machine guns behind the headlights, and a retractable cow catcher for plowing through unruly mobs. The President knows how to roll, get the fuck out his way lest his roving Presi-tank grinds your bones under its wheels.

Nuclear waste, blah, blah, blah

Oh that naive Barack Obama. He thinks there should be actual concerns about the storage of nuclear waste when you talk about building ten trillion new nuclear plants to finally wean us off foreign oil and to give us those irradiated super powers we always wanted. John McCain knows better: it's all just liberal bullshit.

"You know, the other night in the debate with Senator Obama, I said his eloquence is admirable, but pay attention to his words. We talk about offshore drilling and he said he would quote, consider, offshore drilling. We talked about nuclear power, well it has to be safe, environment, blah, blah, blah."
...
I have news for Senator Obama, nuclear power is safe, we ought to do it now."

At least he praised Obama's speaking ability. But he's right, there should be absolutely no concerns about nuclear waste, because it's all safe now and every community would be happy to store it or reprocess it, right?

Interviewer: What about the transportation? Would you be comfortable with nuclear waste coming through Arizona on its way, you know going through Phoenix, on its way to uh Yucca Mountain? McCain (Shaking Head): “No, I would not. No, I would not.”

Oh, so nuclear is okay and totally safe and blah, blah, blah, but you don't want the waste to be even transported through your state on the way to another state. Because it's just so safe, I mean they use it on navy warships that McCain was on and it's not like he has, like, some constant history of cancer or anything. It's safe, just keep it the fuck away from Arizona. Apparently something about Arizona roads contaminate safe nuclear waste.

Oh noes, teh danger!

From the new Republican robocall annoying people nationwide, the true danger of an Obama Presidency:

Hello, I'm calling for John McCain and the RNC, because Democrats are dangerously weak on crime. Barack Obama has voted against tougher penalties for street gangs, drug-related crimes, and protecting children from danger. Barack Obama and his liberal allies have a disturbing history of coddling criminals. so we can't trust their judgment to keep our families safe. This call was paid for by the Republican National Committee and McCain-Palin 2008 at 866 558-5591. Thank you, bye

They don't want to protect kids from danger. When the giant teetering boulder is about to fall on little Jimmy, Obama shrugs his shoulders. When the Republican Congressional Delegation is holding a meeting right by the National Boy Scout Jamboree, will liberals step in and say "No child diddling, ne'er-do-wells"? When the crazed wildebeest herd is stampeding towards St. Anne's School For Especially Adorable Orphans, will Obama use his special African powers to tame them? No.

He's objectively pro-child danger. Hell, he hands out knives at school rallies. Can we risk this man as President, with his hate of safety, with the ripping out of all the child proofing you did for your baby? No, he derides your Mr. Yuk stickers, places your TV's on wobbly stands, and rips your plug covers from the wall. He only coddles crooks, not kids. Take heed. There's danger abound.

The cost of a ticket does not include dignity

Think of any way the nation's airlines could be worse? Longer waits? Worse service? More shoe taking off? Perhaps you think they should just start assaulting people as soon as they enter the airport, to mentally prepare you for the flight? Maybe metal dog cages instead of seats? Shock collars?

Well they've heard your cries. Shock collars are here. To be clear, they've heard your cries for more stupidity, not the cries of you being shocked by a stewardess on an airplane. They won't care about those.

A senior government official with the U.S. Department of Homeland Security (DHS) has expressed great interest in a so-called safety bracelet that would serve as a stun device, similar to that of a police Taser®. This bracelet would:

• Take the place of an airline boarding pass

• Contain personal information about the traveler

• Be able to monitor the whereabouts of each passenger and his/her luggage

• Shock the wearer on command, completely immobilizing him/her for several minutes

The Electronic ID Bracelet, as it’s referred to, would be worn by every traveler “until they disembark the flight at their destination.” Yes, you read that correctly. Every airline passenger would be tracked by a government-funded GPS, containing personal, private and confidential information, and would shock the customer worse than an electronic dog collar if the passenger got out of line.

Guilty until proven more guilty, upon which you will be shocked like an animal until you comply. And you'll get to pay for the privilege. I'm sure that you're comforted by the fact that taser technology will be entrusted to the people that are baffled by shoe wearing and drink containers.