Cheap Blogging Crutch 07.02

Zombie Meat. For when you want a blue peppered jerky snack that makes it seem like you're eating the flesh on a re-animated dead body.

In America Has An Awful News industry news, Adam Serwer goes into detail about how waterboarding moved from being "clearly torture" to "erm..... *clears throat, tugs at collar* a matter.... of.. debate?" in the New York Times during the Bush Administration because of politics and GOP messaging. It turns out that high level journalistic arts requires giving credence to both sides of an issue, even if there aren't two sides and one is just craven ass-covering.

Think Progress compiles a list of Senators who not only have successfully blocked extending unemployment benefits, pretty much the least thing we can do to combat the bad job market, but have also essentially helped block doing anything substantial about jobs. What's so great about this list? They all come from states with double digit unemployment that is much higher than the national average. Hey, when you're trying to sink the economy further to help your electoral prospects in November, you can't be concerned with little things like people or people who elected you.

Now we know why Arizona had to enact that Walking While Latino law. Apparently there are roving gangs of crazed illegal immigrants decapitating law abiding citizens. So says Governor Jan Brewer. Some liberals, media types, Latino groups, and people with common sense say that this is a completely fabricated lie intended to scaremonger about the Mexicanos, but I don't know; illegal Latin guillotine gangs sounds so plausible. Maybe this is a new breed of Mexican coming here searching for a job and a head (or cabesa as they call it). No dice, Pablo, those jobs and heads are ours.

Scientists believe they have found the earliest known form of complex cellular life: weird scallop things that are 2.1 billion years old. Do you know how they figure out how old the organism was? It was carrying an ancient bible and they just added up all the ages of the people inside it.

The Amazing Kreskin has offered up his services to the Pittsburgh Pirates, saying that unless they hire him they'll continue to lose for at least two more years and he'd offer his help to stop their 18-year losing streak. Unless Kreskin can go a solid 7 every five days and keep his ERA under 3 or has some serious gap power, I don't think he can do much for us. Unless he has no ethical qualms about hypnotizing Bob Nutting into committing suicide. Plus, the Bucs would never hire him; they can't lowball him in arbitration or trade him for several middling mentalist prospects.

In Rich People Have Too Much Money news, a Russian billionaire has commissioned an Australian goldsmith to create a $21,000 golden diamond encrusted vuvuzela. *dusts hands off* God, send the meteors, I think we've clearly bottomed out as a society.

Broken in Brief: Rove book ravages fact checking industry

NEW YORK—“Just let me die… just let me die. So… many… lies. There’s so much evil in the world,” were the cries of Media Matters intern Melissa Fargas from her hospital bed after her attempted self-disembowelment. Ms. Fargas had made her way through nearly four paragraphs in the misguided attempt to fact-check former White House Deputy Chief of Staff and Special Advisor Karl Rove’s new book Courage and Consequence.

These lamentations have afflicted many organizations and news outlets devoted to fact checking as scores of naïve young interns and associates come to grips with the true soul-deadening horror of life and the futility of existence as they attempt to wade through what Rove humorously calls "facts."

“We’re down 7 staffers and an associate editor and we’re only three chapters in,” lamented Faiz Shakir, editor of ThinkProgress. “I hear Fact Check.org mysteriously exploded minutes after their shipment of books arrived. And most of the staff of Politifact stripped down to the nude and ran off into the woods, clawing at their own flesh and shunning the entirety of society.”

“I’ve seen some sick shit in my life: most of Hannity’s books, pretty much every tome written by a former White House press secretary, and even the entire Coulter catalogue. But this just resets the bar. Now, if you’ll excuse me…,” Shakir finished by throwing himself out of a nearby window yelling, “You say the White House took care not to overstate the terrorist threat or exaggerate the danger posed by Iraq? My God….the gall. The balls,” before he impacted on the sidewalk below.

Until such a time as the sanity of fact checkers can be assured, most groups are refusing to even open Rove's new summer home book. Some are more adventurous, using three-man teams working with sentence fragments and random words so that the full brunt of Rove’s claims cannot be comprehended.

When asked if this wasn’t too much of a risk to the safety of the fact checkers, John Daniels, Director of CNN’s Political Ticker FactCheck, scoffed “That’s why God created unpaid interns.”

Witchcraft

ThinkProgress hits us with another except from former speechwriter Matt Latimer's book on the White House, which may or may not be titled I'm Not Shitting You: This Is Really What Was Going On For Eight Years. This go around he looks into the practice of awarding Presidential Medals of Freedom. You know, the award that was designed back in 1945 by Truman in order to award those who had toadied longest and hardest for his most unpopular policies and make it look like some level of success had been achieved. At least that's what I think it was for. Anyway, this bit is about why Harry Potter author JK Rowling didn't get one.

This was the same sort of narrow thinking that led people in the White House to actually object to giving the author J.K. Rowling a presidential medal because the Harry Potter books encouraged witchcraft.

This in addition to the fact that she had ladyparts, she's a foreigner, and Dick Cheney felt her novels unfairly slandered snake faced, demonic warlocks. That's right, in an office populated with hundreds of adults, the question over whether to award an intensely politicized award hinged on a serious discussion about witchcraft. And the person they were debating over wasn't Aleister Crowley. It's a shame that waterboarding, rendition, or illegal wiretaps didn't involve mystical incantations, lightning scars, or wands, otherwise we might have been able to avoid that whole bit of unpleasantness.

Good sign

via ThinkProgress comes this helpful little chart looking at what the stock for several Health Insurance companies did right after Max Baucus announced his health care plan. They rose. I wonder why?

Following Baucus’ announcement, HealthNet shares increased by 3%, United Health Group Inc shares rose by 2.7%, Humana Inc. grew by 2.6%, Wellpoint stock gained 1.7% and Aetna Inc rose 1.6%:

Good to see everything working out for them. I was worried for a while that health care reform wasn't going to go far enough in benefiting the poor, put upon insurance companies. But Wall Street is certain that is does benefit the insurance companies, to the tune of 38% stock growth over the past couple months. Whew! Bullet dodged. Kick up your feet, Max. Mission accomplished, the check is in the mail.

Enlightened debate

If you were thinking of heading to one of the town halls our elected betters will be having on health care over the next few weeks...don't. Or should I say don't....if you were hoping for some form of informed debate, a chance to ask a real question, or a chance to hear a real answer. If you want to see an epic, crazy clusterfuck of deranged people yelling at Representatives on behalf of multi-billion dollar corporations, then go. Because if the memo from teabagging vets Americans for Prosperity and FreedomWorks is any indication, it's going to be a circus. And not the fun elephant beating kind either.

– Artificially Inflate Your Numbers: “Spread out in the hall and try to be in the front half. The objective is to put the Rep on the defensive with your questions and follow-up. The Rep should be made to feel that a majority, and if not, a significant portion of at least the audience, opposes the socialist agenda of Washington.”

– Be Disruptive Early And Often: “You need to rock-the-boat early in the Rep’s presentation, Watch for an opportunity to yell out and challenge the Rep’s statements early.”

– Try To “Rattle Him,” Not Have An Intelligent Debate: “The goal is to rattle him, get him off his prepared script and agenda. If he says something outrageous, stand up and shout out and sit right back down. Look for these opportunities before he even takes questions.”

Here's tip #4: "Cup your hand and defecate into it. Swing your arm in an arcing motion releasing the stool sample. Finish with pithy rejoinder about socialism and a pledge of fealty to a corporation of your choice."

I'm just so glad that when we're presented with a chance for intelligent debate on a subject of importance, we always rise to the occasion....with instructions for disrupting that debate and proper hooting techniques.

Oh Liberal Media, when will you learn?

There's ThinkProgress, out there doing it again today. They've gone and taken a set of statements made by the racist spawn of Karl Marx and Beelzebub, Sonia Sotomayor, and gone and compared it to things Sam Alito said during his confirmation hearing. Whereas Sotomayor is the world's greatest racist/monster when she says her ethnic background and upbringing inform her judicial decisions, Sam Alito is a salt of the earth working class hero when he brings up his ethnic background and how it informs his decisions.

ALITO: Senator, I tried to in my opening statement, I tried to provide a little picture of who I am as a human being and how my background and my experiences have shaped me and brought me to this point. … And that’s why I went into that in my opening statement. Because when a case comes before me involving, let’s say, someone who is an immigrant — and we get an awful lot of immigration cases and naturalization cases — I can’t help but think of my own ancestors, because it wasn’t that long ago when they were in that position. [...]

And that goes down the line. When I get a case about discrimination, I have to think about people in my own family who suffered discrimination because of their ethnic background or because of religion or because of gender. And I do take that into account.

Now the more ill informed of you might say "Doesn't that make him as big a racist as Luftwaffe Reichsmarschall Sonia Goebbels or at least show that both of them aren't racist?" First things first: Alito made those statements while in the possession of a penis (which he prominently displays in a jar on his desk), white skin, Italian heritage, and nomination from a Republican; Sotomayor didn't. Secondly: Alito's schooling at Princeton and Yale Law and his tenure on the 3rd circuit were the product of hard work and achievement, Sotomayor's schooling at Princeton and Yale Law and tenure on the 2nd circuit were the result of affirmative action, racism, and ancient voodoo rituals. Thirdly: I don't have to say a third thing, didn't you listen to the first two reasons?

Clear enough yet? Thank me later for explaining it to you, Liberal Media. I don't want to have to do this again during the next SCOTUS confirmation.

Hating gays is an inalienable Constitutional right

So the House finally got around to passing a law that expands hate crime coverage from a 1968 law that covered race, religion, and national origin to those motivated by "gender, sexual orientation, gender identity and disability." This was a bill that Bush had repeatedly threatened to veto, but now that we officially recognize the dawning of the 21st Century, has finally gotten some traction.

All it essentially does is allows the Government provide additional resources to local law enforcement to prosecute the crimes, such as the case of Matthew Shepard, where the local law enforcement had to furlough 5 detectives in order to pay for the investigation because it was a hate crime against a gay man. Via ThinkProgress, we learn how this new law is, of course, the worst thing ever and the latest tyrannical liberal assault on free speech.

REP MICHELE BACHMANN (R-MN): I feel that this hate crime legislation could be considered the very definition of tyranny.

REP. GRESHMAN BARRET (R-SC): This bill would inhibit religious freedom in our society -- a scary thought.

REP. LOUIE GOHMERT (R-TX): You think a pregnant mother does not deserve the protection of a homosexual? You think a military member doesn't deserve the protection of a transvestite?

REP. STEVE KING (R-IA): I, Mr. Speaker, oppose and I defy the logic of the people that would advocate for such legislation the very idea we could divine what goes on in the heads of people when they commit crimes.

Rep. Virginia Foxx (R-NC) called Matthew Shepherd's murder "a hoax" and denied that it was a hate crime.

Yes....prosecuting people for killing gays because they are gay is an assault on religious freedom. Prosecuting violent crimes is the same as prosecuting people for their thoughts. The right to discriminate is more important than murder prosecutions. The most important discrimination we have to worry about is discrimination against bigots. This all makes so much sense. Just when I thought there wasn't some new low for the fringe right wing to scrounge out, they rush to claim the real victims of hate crimes are the perpetrators of hate crimes and those who traffic in their ideology. I'll have to remember this after their next lecture about morals.

Summers Slumbers, or, Lie to me, Larry! Lie to me!

We've all been there: Big meeting in the middle of the day right after a late night vandalizing John Boener's office, urinating in the capital rotunda, prank-calling the Secret Service, or whatever it is high-level government officials do to get their shriveling white rocks off. These things happen. As a matter of fact, I'm fairly certain these are the precise conditions under which Joe Biden helped write the Bankruptcy Abuse Prevention and Consumer Protection Act. Aside from Biden being a seven-time Senator from the great tax haven state of Delaware.

That said, White House economic adviser Larry Summers has to step it up. Today was Barry's big meeting with the executives of all those credit card companies who seem genuinely worried that when our elected betters champion a new era of corporate responsibility, that era might actually come to pass. This is child's play, Larry, and not the last you'll see of it. You react to public outrage at the rich & powerful by sitting down with the rich & powerful. Wag the finger, wink the eye, and it's time for lunch. Note: It never hurts to have a bunch of cameras present.

But this was a problem for Larry, who couldn't seem to stay awake through the meeting. Why was this a problem? There were a bunch of fucking cameras present.

The real tragedy here is that this was all so easily preventable. Take heed, Lawrence. The next time you're headed into a meeting room crammed with media, take thirty seconds and swing by Rahm Emanuel's office. Find something that looks like THIS. It's full of pure cocaine. You'll get a lot of work done that day, I promise. And more over, you won't make an utter ass of yourself in front of a badly broken country during a meeting whose express written purpose is to help un-break said country.

...awful jackass.

Christmas come early

Bill O'Reilly Plans Barack Obama Book

In a Page Six interview, popular right-wing pundit Bill O'Reilly said is planning a book about President Barack Obama to be released next year.

The talk show host said he reads two or three books every week. O'Reilly has sold millions of copies of his books, and there are eight titles currently sold on his website, including "The O'Reilly Factor for Kids."

Here's more from the interview: "My next book, out the latter part of 2010, is on Obama. He's becoming a historical figure not because he's black, but because his liberal agenda is taking the country in a direction we've never been before."

What's that, Think Progress? You're going to be kept in business for another year just because of this book? Good to hear. Media Matters has also come out to announce that it will in no way strangle its own mother to get an advance copy. Kieth Olbermann hass reportedly placed a large three ring binder on his lap so no staffers can see the erection this news gave him.

300 pages of O'Reilly whining about the liberalism of a black guy. I'm sure this book will in no way be racist or hilarious.

What does the government have to spend money for anyway?

Palin: ‘We Shouldn’t Worry About Government Having Enough Money’

During an interview with a local television affiliate in New Hampshire yesterday, Gov. Sarah Palin (R-AK) was asked how John McCain will make up revenues the federal government will lose because of his enormous tax cut plan.

Palin was shocked at the premise of the question. “Really!?” she immediately replied, adding that the “suggestion there is that revenue should be coming into government at this time and that’s not what should happen at a time like this.” But later Palin dismissed any concerns about the federal government’s lack of cash flow:

PALIN: We shouldn’t worry about government having enough money, the government has plenty of money its a matter of how government prioritizes the expenditure of those public dollars.

What does the government even need money for anyway? I mean it's not like it has wars, infrastructure projects, health care, social security, government institutions, defense, or penis shaped monuments to pay for, right? Who cares if we have the money for that, we'll just call up the Chinese and borrow some. Debts don't matter, we never have to pay them off or suffer any consequences for having massive ones. Just dial up Deng or Ling or Yao and be all like "Yo, unmarked and non-sequential, by the Lincoln Memorial tomorrow. We're good for it." Maybe we can just print more.

Under a McCain/Palin Administration (its even funny to type) government may be broken and broke, but at least we can get folsky charm and faux-rural smug bullshit by the bucketload. That's almost as good as money. Maybe a nurse smiling, winking and saying 'you betcha' will allow you to get your appendix out without declaring bankruptcy. It's kept Putin at bay. Maybe we don't need a solvent government.

We agree with them, except when we both don't

Here's some nice work by Ben Armbruster over at ThinkProgress detailing just how inept and off-message the McPain campaign has been in its reaction to the Bush Administration's insistence that, because its namesake requires some modicum of positive legacy in the form of a fragile, ham-handed nuclear deal, North Korea is suddenly good people.

The administration’s move quickly split the McCain-Palin ticket. John McCain issued a preemptive statement on Friday expressing his displeasure with the agreement...

When asked about the deal on Saturday, McCain’s running mate Sarah Palin — trying desperately to demonstrate her own foreign policy competence — offered a contradictory response...

Read a sharp journalist paying attention HERE.