The Michael Jackson Memorial

Goddamn I hate this country.

Smokey Robinson reading a statement from Nelson Mandela. The "I didn't think we were gonna get to see the corpse, but we did" gold casket buzz. The celebrities hanging around like they just showed up to the Grammy's and really needed the bump in album sales next week. The maudlin performances of Jackson hits with famous singers punctuating every line they sung with a look of "I just sang the most meaningful, touching, and important line IN HISTORY" appearing on their faces. The endless stories from people who knew him who want us to know that, no seriously, he was a normal human being at some point. Al Sharpton calling for a national day of mourning. A bankrupt city in a bankrupt state where the Governor is handing out Arnold funbucks and ball & paddle games in lieu of pay, shelling out upwards of $4 million (and climbing) to pay for this circus. I'm sure it'll end with Joe Jackson running out, plugging his new record label, and then announcing he'd set up a kiosk outside where he was going to sell vials of MJ's ground up bones as a surefire cure for erectile dysfunction.

Take note America, this is how you gloss over two decades of child rape, seclusion, baby buying, child dangling, bankruptcy, and emergence as a walking punchline. By pretending he died a week after Dangerous came out. Which was when the rape allegations started up, so that's about right.

Stay classy

You gotta love some of the balls on the people who fight valiantly to keep gays from getting married. Not just the part where they cry out for the sanctity of marriage while they're on their third wife, but for their creative fundraisers. What better way to celebrate your 0 rating from the Human Rights Campaign and your lifelong commitment to denying marriage equality, gay adoptions, and HIV/AIDS prevention by throwing a huge fundraiser in a skybox at an Elton John concert.

At least two members of the House of Representatives–both of whom are on record opposing gay rights–will be hosting fundraisers at the upcoming Billy Joel/Elton John “Face2Face” concert at Nationals Park on July 11.

In July 2006, Reps. John Shimkus (R-IL) and Jean Schmidt (R-OH) both voted to define marriage in the Constitution as a one man-one woman affair, according to ontheissues.org and the Human Rights Campaign.

What better way to raise money to continue the fight against gay marriage then by taking out your like minded big money donors to see a concert by a married gay guy who is one one the biggest advocates for gay rights in the world? "Jean, they shouldn't be allowed to marry, but I'll be damned if they can't write a snappy tune! Here's a check. Oooh, Crocodile Rock!"

Did Jesse Helms ever do many fundraisers at Malcolm X speeches? I think he missed an opportunity.

The new golden age of supression

If you heard about it yesterday, China is having some sort of uprising/conflict somewhere over something and score of people are being wounded and injured. It's between Uighurs and the Han, over specifically what no one really knows, but broadly about ethnic and religious divides. And....that's about it. That's pretty much the extent of the knowledge of what's going on. Why is that? Because it's the new age of media and information suppression. Thought Iran tried some innovative ideas on squashing information? They were just field testing ideas China had perfected and Iran couldn't have even dreamed of China's strategies for spinning the West.

In the wake of Sunday’s deadly riots in its western region of Xinjiang, China’s central government took all the usual steps to enshrine its version of events as received wisdom: it crippled Internet service, blocked Twitter’s micro-blogs, purged search engines of unapproved references to the violence, saturated the Chinese media with the state-sanctioned story.

It also took one most unusual step: Hours after troops quelled the protests, in which 156 people were reported killed, the state invited foreign journalists on an official trip to Urumqi, Xinjiang’s capital and the site of the unrest, “to know better about the riots.” Indeed, it set up a media center at a downtown hotel — with a hefty discount on rooms — to keep arriving reporters abreast of events.
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As the Internet and other media raise new challenges to China’s version of the truth, China is finding new ways not just to suppress bad news at the source, but also to spin whatever unflattering tidbits escape its control.

Two reason for this. First, they get better blocking technology from the telcoms. Hey Iran, you get what you pay for. Second, they studied various color revolutions, including Iran's, and learned how to best shut down communication, internet, phones, TV, and social networking. Well goodie, at least someone benefited and learned from those revolutions. But what's really nice is to see those ideas applied and field tested so quickly. Iran isn't even done with it's uprising and China has already learned from the Guardian Council's Oppression Bloopers and Suppression Gaffes highlight reel. China actually learned the first lesson decades ago: don't allow elections.

What's really great about this is that it isn't some extra-special Chinese suppression technology. Or sure they sprung for some extra bells and whistles, but this basic package essentially exists in every country that has moved beyond carrier pigeon and pony based communications. So pay attention, you're seeing the new playbook being written on suppressing any level of uprising or revolution. Remember to thank your telcoms for making it it jut that easy.

Farewell and adieu you bastard

Hey, if any of you are around when I die, can you please make sure that whoever at McClatchy newspapers does write up my obituary (Blog God Dies During Pitched Orgy/Gunfight on Moon) that they don't let Joseph Galloway write it. He wrote one for Robert McNamara and it really brings to mind Matt Taibbi's "obituaries" for Boris Yeltsin and the Pope or Hunter S. Thompson's for Nixon. He begins by quoting Clarence Darrow on enjoying reading certain obituaries and goes from there.

Well, the aptly named Robert Strange McNamara has finally shuffled off to join LBJ and Dick Nixon in the 7th level of Hell.

McNamara was the original bean-counter — a man who knew the cost of everything but the worth of nothing.

Back in 1990 I had a series of strange phone conversations with McMamara while doing research for my book We Were Soldiers Once And Young. McNamara prefaced every conversation with this: "I do not want to comment on the record for fear that I might distort history in the process." Then he would proceed to talk for an hour, doing precisely that with answers that were disingenuous in the extreme — when they were not bald-faced lies.

He then proceeds to measure his hate for the man against that of David Halberstam, before finally ending on a happy note, retelling a story where an angry artists almost succeeded in drowning McNamara. I thought you had to wait until a man was buried before you pissed on his grave, but there we are.

But it does bring to mind the disease we have as a society to completely gloss over the sleazy, morally bankrupt, criminal actions, etc... of people who die when writing their obituaries. Everyone was generally a good person who loved their kids and worked hard, and any reference to scandal will be prefaced with the phrase "some disagreed..." or by use of the word "conflict." Only serial killers get described in apt terms. Meanwhile Michael Jackson gets the whole child rape and two decades of extreme bizarreness thing gets glossed over and Robert McNamara turns into some unimportant, uncontroversial, peripheral figure in the Vietnam war. Excuse me: Vietnam dispute. Just wait until Dick Cheney dies. You won't believe the glowing obituaries he gets when he finally shuffles off in 2075, or whenever that pact with Satan comes due.

Broken In Brief: Mark Sanford announces 6 months of silence in honor of dead celebrities

CHARLESTON—Today Mark Sanford announced that due to the multiple tragedies befalling “the leading lights” of the entertainment industry, he was preparing to undertake a symbolic, meditative, vow of silence to honor their memories and accomplishments.

“I was just going to go with a month for Michael Jackson but so many others died that I had to take them into consideration, so as not to appear to be playing favorites,” said the disgraced Governor while making his final public appearance and vocal utterances for the next half a year. “Jackson, Billy Mays, Steve McNair, Farrah Fawcett, Ed McMahon, David Carradine… the death toll is truly catastrophic. I think it best if someone decided to honor their legacies instead of shamelessly exploiting them for ratings or personal gain.”

“Oh God, Karl Malden, too! I forgot Karl Malden,” the Governor shrieked before walking away from the podium, weeping.

Friends close to the Governor hope that his selfless act, combined with this rash of celebrity death, the recession, summer blockbusters, Iran, America’s decided dearth of Argentine-based sex jokes, and his own party’s penchant for harboring other self-deluded narcissists with massively destructive personal secrets that have yet to be revealed, will give Mr. Sanford enough cover to appear in public without so many people laughing and snickering at him.

No one knows quite where the Governor will undertake this silent meditation. However, insiders seem sure that when the Governor chooses a place, it will sound completely plausible and cause no one in the media, his staff, his family, or state government to think anything is amiss.

Questions

• Does Al Franken realize that now he's a Senator in the Democratic Party using the phrase "I'm ready to get to work" constitutes the biggest joke he's told in years? Don't worry if you don't get it, Al. I'm sure either Harry Reid will explain it to you or it'll slowly dawn on you over the next few months.


• Are we almost done with articles on Al Franken using the phrase "no joke", "getting serious", some other humor pun, or otherwise making reference to the fact that he used to be a comedian? We get it: he used to be a joke writer. No need to start off every article amazed by the fact that he didn't throw a banana cream pie or pile out of a clown car.


• How long is Sarah Palin allowed to use the Twitter handle AKGovSarahPalin? Are ExAKGovSarahPalin and QuitterSarahPalin already taken? I just want to know which handle to follow so I won't be deprived of her 140 character wisdom.

Pictures of the day

Scenes from that other revolution we aren't paying attention to anymore: Honduras. Though to be fair, we weren't distracted by the death of Michael Jackson like we were in Iran, we just never cared about Honduras in the first place. More or less the President tried to get the Constitution changed so he gets closer to his dreams of being President until shortly after the sun explodes, which is not cool. The military and supreme court responded by overthrowing the government and beating on people with batons, also not cool.

Also not cool: disrespecting the Colonel. He gives you the taste of his seven secret herbs and spices and you wreck his store. For shame.

Who could have foreseen?

Who could have foreseen that by failing to understand the depth and breadth of the financial crisis and that by creating a stimulus bill that loaded up on tax cuts that wouldn't help, hacking out programs that did, and keeping the size of it much too small would have negative effects towards the recovery? I mean other than all those asshole economists with their fancy medallions. Why couldn't anyone have spoken up and told us!!!

Biden, in an interview that aired on ABC's "This Week," said the 9.5 percent unemployment rate is "much too high." The administration had predicted unemployment would stay below 8 percent with its stimulus plan.

"The figures we worked off of in January were the consensus figures and most of the blue chip indexes out there," Biden said. "We misread how bad the economy was, but we are now only about 120 days into the recovery package."

Now ignore the fact that Biden, as is his style, is kind of completely jumping the gun here, as most of the stimulus hasn't even been spent. Still, where we are right now was pretty much where everyone with an economics degree thought we'd be right now, given the kind of stimulus that got passed. There are no surprises here, Joe.

Perhaps if you are unhappy with the 'as predicted' results that's something you should talk over with your Administration and your esteemed colleagues in the Senate. You know, the Administration that moronically started with a compromise bill and then found itself surprised when it had to compromise on that? You know, the Senators who ignored economists so they could pick numbers out of a hat and cut programs based on what they thought sounded expensive to Nebraskans? Sorry you've been surprised by all of this, but to those of us who actually read something during the whole debate, its not that much of a shocker. Good luck trying to get a second stimulus through. I'm sure you'll be surprised at how that turns out too.

These are the people who will help destroy healthcare

Want to know why the best case scenario for comprehensive health care reform is a shitty watered down bill that will most likely not have public plan and thus moist likely won't do anything? I mean other than because of the idiots we elect. You guessed it: lobbyists. The Health Care Industry, in it's valiant quest to spend more money lobbying against reform than it could ever possibly lose if it passed, has decided to take the nation's job woes on its shoulders and hire anyone that used to work in Congress to lobby everyone who still does.

The nation's largest insurers, hospitals and medical groups have hired more than 350 former government staff members and retired members of Congress in hopes of influencing their old bosses and colleagues, according to an analysis of lobbying disclosures and other records.
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The hirings are part of a record-breaking influence campaign by the health-care industry, which is spending more than $1.4 million a day on lobbying in the current fight, according to disclosure records. And even in a city where lobbying is a part of life, the scale of the effort has drawn attention.

That's always a good sign, when lifelong political hacks are even staggered by the size and effort of a lobbying campaign. One must applaud the scope of it too. For every member they want to lobby the Health Care Industry seems to have about 4 or 5 of that representative's former high level staffers on the payroll to do it. Heath Care companies need to talk to finance chair Max Baucus? They get his last 2 Chiefs of Staff. Chris Dodd? Get his former Subcommittee Director who only worked for him on matters of health care and pharmaceuticals. Or just hire a former Senator or Rep to do it. Do you want to talk to a Finance Chair or an influential Senator about how better health care would help you out? Write a letter and hope an intern reads it and deigns to send you a form letter in return.

The article is good for a couple of humorous quotes about people tut-tutting the revolving door between Congress/lobbying and then a few choice words about "how just because they hire former staffers doesn't mean those staffer get preferential treatment with their old bosses." Which is why I guess the Heath Care Industry spends all that money in record levels: because it doesn't work. So don't worry, what the spirit of "bipartisanship" and "compromise" doesn't make bad enough in the final bill will be made worse by lobbyists. At least we know there was something helpful to citizens in the public plan proposals, otherwise a large industry wouldn't be trying to smother it in the crib. Rest easy America, the adults have stepped in to tell us what's best.

Over the weekend

A round-up of things that happened over the weekend while we were all eating nurgers to the sound of the sky exploding.

Robert McNamara, Architect of Vietnam War, Dies at 93
God, during his all-time record run of celebrity killing, has taken Robert McNamara. *Sniff* and he still had so many ill-conceived wars left to give us. His last words were reportedly either "Yeah, the blood still won't come off my hands" or "I can't believe the fiasco in Iraq didn't help rehabilitate my image by proxy. Fuck it, I'm out!" In his post-government career he took to helping the poor with financial aid and showing remorse, regret, and self-reflection for that whole Vietnam thing. Remember kids, if you want to start a war try to think about and experience those thoughts and emotions before you do it.

Afghan Presidential Candidate Takes a Page From Obama's Playbook
James Carville has decided to go to Afghanistan to help advise the campaign of the man running against Karzai. Carville ought to be able to give great insights on all the strategies that don't work against Obama's, seeing as he helped mastermind some of them for Hillary. They hope to turn the candidate Ghani into the Muslim Obama, which is coincidentally what John McCain wanted to do to the actual Obama. They hope to recreate the whole Obama phenomenon and campaign strategy....except without the whole internet & TV thing. The initial slogan is rumored to be "Severely Tempered Hope".

Ethnic Clashes in Western China Are Said to Kill Scores
You think news out of Iran is hard to come by? Try China. They announced that for some reason there were ethnic clashes in the city of Urumqui, that you shouldn't really worry your pretty little head why or even where that city is, and that as a result 140 people are dead and the number of injured is creeping up into the low thousands. The clash was reportedly between Uighurs and Han over...something....which will never be heard about again. Right now Khamenei is shaking his head and saying to himself "That's how you do it."

Happy 4th

May your day be filled with freedom, charred meats, and low grade, Chinese manufactured explosives.

What the fuck?

Palin to Resign as Governor of Alaska

Gov. Sarah Palin of Alaska announced Friday that she would step down by the end of the month and not seek a second term as governor, fueling speculation that she is trying to position herself as a candidate for the Republican presidential nomination in 2012.
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“We know we can effect positive change outside of government,” she said in making the announcement. Her official statement here.

Huh? Is she really just hanging it up for good? There are staffers saying that she isn't done with politics. Mary Matalin and Bill Kristol are out telling new outlets what a brilliant move Palin was making by quitting, which tells you one thing: you shouldn't let Matalin or Kristol advise you on anything. Lord knows I haven't given her much credit and I, as well as most people who have ever seen her, heard her, or really anyone with a functionally cognitive nervous system, found her to be be frighteningly dim. But even I can't believe she's dumb enough to quit midway through her term as Governor after a disastrous VP run and try to use it to springboard to a 2012 run, right? A half a term. Her farewell speech wasn't even competent, it was the barely lucid ramblings of an insane person.

Really? The whole plan is to spend time campaigning and talking about policy? No, she can't have that poor of a political sense. Something must be up. Some horrible news must be about to drop. Let's go to the odds:

1-2 : She is that dumb
4-1 : Has the same Argentinian lover as Mark Sanford
3-1 : Pregnant again...and so are Bristol and Willow
6-1 : David Letterman's constant jokes have broken her mentally
5-1 : Tasked by CIA to undertake secret mission to keep Putin from invading US mainland
10-1 : Thinks she has the chops to run Honduras
8-2 : Needs to devote serious training time to the Iditarod
2-1 : The Universe wanted to get Sean something good for his birthday, but didn't have any old, racist senators left to kill
5-1 : Has finally accepted that deep down, she is completely unqualified for any higher elected office
4-1 : Trying to make Katie Couric feel bad for all those mean spirited "Could you be more specific" gotcha questions during the campaign
3-1 : Alaska is just an awful place to live and she just can't take it anymore

Space-plosion

The International Space Station catches footage of the Sarychev Volcano erupting as it rockets by at a million miles an hour. Are you thinking what I'm thinking? They need to film nuke tests like this. Someone go inflame tensions along the Pakistan/India border and I'll go tell the ISS to swing by all slow like.

Picture of the day

From the Big Picture blog comes more scenes from that whole revolution thing in Iran that is still evidently going on. Who can keep track with all the celebrities dying? I'm not certain but it seems like they're taking Michael Jackson's death pretty hard. It's OK Iran, his music will live on in our hearts forever.

This series does point out one of the better perks of being a Supreme Leader or Iran: a swank marble prayer pit. I mean other than the ultimate power, the ability to rig elections, the control over the media and security forces, and a yearly centerfold in Beard Aficionado Magazine, it's gotta be one of the better ones.

Cheap Blogging Crutch 07.03

The Great American Bubble Machine
Matt Taibbi decides to take a look at Goldman-Sachs and their manipulation of financial crisis' to their advantage, their culpability in creating bubbles, and their governmental influence and manages not to sound like a tinfoil hatted crank. He begins by calling them a "a great vampire squid wrapped around the face of humanity, relentlessly jamming its blood funnel into anything that smells like money" and the piece has resulted in GS shrieking hysterically at him for daring to point out some obvious facts. Unfortunately Rolling Stone has only put up excerpts from the article, so to see the full body blow he delivers you'll have to buy the magazine. I think it's worth a purchase.

To Critics, New Policy on Terror Looks Old
Charlie Savage of the New York Times takes a look at some of the Obama Administration's embraces of Bush era....let's call them unethical dalliances. The picture painted is not too pretty as many of the policies have now become entrenched methods and have now been legitimized. Some would even go so far as to say all Obama has done is just enact the “liberal, centrist, Democratic version of the construction of these same governing practices.” I think he forgets one important factor: it's OK because a Democrat is doing it. At least I think that's the going rationale for some these days. If you're interested, Savage does an interview with Glenn Greenwald where they point out and discuss all this stuff.

In Tactical Shift, Troops Will Stay and Hold Ground in Afghanistan
Hey what present did you want to receive in celebration of the Nation's impending 233rd birthday? If it was a major increase of ground forces in Afghanistan and an escalation in combat in a concerted effort to knock the Taliban out of the country, then you're in luck. This is all part of President Obama's larger body of work entitled "Doing things that were supposed to have been done eight years ago". It's a work of art that will be on display around this country for at least until January of 2013.

This Post Brought to You by Poker
Wonkish statistics molester Nate Silver has decided to put his robot brain to work mathematically analyzing the game of poker and using it to slay the competition at the World Series of Poker. It's ostensibly "research" for a "book", but papa needs money and he's got a gambling itch to scratch. He also discusses the UIGEA law that helped the rise of online poker and efforts to legalize (and tax) online poker. But we'll have to wait for what we're all interested in: video of Silver dominating the competition as he tries to understand the human emotions surrounding "loss" and "anguish".

Lunar Probe Sends First High-Res Images
NASA has sent a probe up to the moon and unlike the Japanese has no plans to smash it into the Sea of Tranquility for shits and giggles. No, they're taking photos, mapping it, and gathering data for America's glorious "safe human return to the moon". That's right moon, we're making you our bitch again...or for the first time depending on various conspiracy theories. In any event this is all part of NASA's new mission to do awesome covers of its old material.

High art

This...and so much more at the accurately titled Bad Paintings of Barack Obama website.

Misguided notion of the day

Sam Sedaei:

The Iranian Revolution Didn't Die with Michael Jackson

Well, not in Iran it didn't, but it did pretty much everywhere else he was popular. On TV, instead of coverage of Iranian riots and speeches the news now covers stories about the funeral, what will happen to his kids, Joe Jackson still being kind of a creep, and reshowing old, widely seen footage of MJ performances as "lost footage". In the papers, MJ has pushed Iran off the front pages. Even on websites like the Huffington Post Iran used to occupy the banner headline, now Nico Pitney's live-blogging sometimes isn't even on the front page.

So while Jackson didn't die and take the Iranian Revolution with him, he did take most of the coverage of it with him.

Two multi-billion word Vanity Fair pieces you should read

Michael Jackson Is Gone, but the Sad Facts Remain

Feeling just a little to good about Michael Jackson's career and the new-found ability you have to listen to Thriller without once thinking about raped kids? Well Vanity Fair and Maureen Orth are here to make sure you stop all that nonsense, putting up 5 past articles on Jackson, hos many trials, and his quest to become the most bizarre man on the planet. For instance: did you know that not only did MJ have motion detectors to alert him when people were approaching his bedroom, but alarms went off when someone was at the bedroom door? Now I'm really positive he wasn't diddling kids, that sounds so normal. Stuff like that is the tip of the iceberg. It's worth going over just to remember "Oh yeah, that's how messed up he was. I forgot."

It Came from Wasilla

Along those same lines comes Todd S. Purdum who wants you all to remember all the things you loathed about Sarah Palin back in November and give you a few more things to get all jittery about. Like the fact that she was referred to by staffers as the "Little Shop of Horrors", she writes moralizing and judgmental e-mails to friends in the voice of God, had McCain people coming up with varying excuses as to why she was so crazy, her propensity for stealing anything that wasn't nailed down, her compulsive lying, and the possibility that she may have irreparably harmed McCain staffers mental well-being in only two months. Really, really fun, horrifying stuff. Did I mention that after all this she's still a huge possibility for the GOP nomination in 2012? There is almost nothing you can do to discredit yourself in that party.

If all that was too much for you to bear and re-live, Vanity Fair also has a bunch of Twilight pictures up. You kids all like the Twilight, don't you?

Almost double digits

Remember the optimism of last month where four straight months of job loss improvements were causing some people to think that happy days were here again and bluebirds would imminently be alighting on some shoulders? About that.....do the terms "devastating", "crisis", "enormity", "extreme weakness", and "fucked to death pile of burning ca-ca" sound positive or negative to you?

The American economy shed 467,000 jobs last month, and the unemployment rate rose to 9.5 percent from 9.4 percent, the Labor Department reported on Thursday. Job losses were widespread among the construction, manufacturing, and business and professional services sectors.

The losses were sharply higher than economists’ expectations of 365,000 lost jobs.

Do economists ever actually nail the job loss expectations? Every month they seem to miss it by about 50,000-100,000 over or under. Now Paul Krugman's back on top of the table, pants off and squatting over our favorite punch bowl. He's saying things like "jobless recovery" and that was before this month's job numbers made him sound a little optimistic.

If I recall correctly, TB Industries' official advice was to hoard canned goods, steal MRE's, and to stash especially good killing rocks and jabbing sticks. We still hold by that advice and hope that the brief bit of positive economic news didn't cause you to start opening and eating those tins of Hobo-grade beans or burning those sharp sticks for warmth. In fact, double down. Hoard more, scale up to jagged branches and tree limbs, take a leather tanning course, and work on your more animalistic grunts and cries. It'll serve you well as the horrific financial apocalypse seems back on schedule. See you in the Thunderdome!

Sounds ethical

What are you to do if you're a struggling news paper. Revenues are down debt is up, you decided a long time ago to put your news on the web for free and now no one will ever accept paying for it, and Craigslist is sleeping in your house, driving in your car, eating your food, and screwing your wife. So if you're the Washington Post and you're seeing all these problems there's only one obvious solution: sell access to your journalists for anyone with a sack full of cash.

For $25,000 to $250,000, The Washington Post is offering lobbyists and association executives off-the-record, nonconfrontational access to "those powerful few" — Obama administration officials, members of Congress, and the paper’s own reporters and editors.

The astonishing offer is detailed in a flier circulated Wednesday to a health care lobbyist, who provided it to a reporter because the lobbyist said he feels it’s a conflict for the paper to charge for access to, as the flier says, its “health care reporting and editorial staff."

The offer — which essentially turns a news organization into a facilitator for private lobbyist-official encounters — is a new sign of the lengths to which news organizations will go to find revenue at a time when most newspapers are struggling for survival.

Not to say this isn't completely and totally unethical, I mean who wouldn't want to pay the WaPo $25,000 so you could be in the same room with their neoconservative editorial/columnist crew and a blunt object to beat them with? If there's one thing I've always said about the news it's that the regular citizen has too much attention paid to his or her best interests and opinions in the health care debate. Isn't it time the news elite in this country were forced to consider the concerns of lobbyists and insurance CEO's? What better forum than one that is ethically indistinguishable from prostitution? Strike that: forced prostitution. I'm sure the journalists are thrilled to be doing this.

So if you want access to some of the Post's top minds get your $25,000 out, $250,000 if you want to be a part of the whole series of "Salons." See if an extra couple grand can get those journalists to perform some "French-style" reporting on you, maybe even get two of them to perform a "journalism show" like you saw in the seedy, pasty fleshed ink pits of Bangkok. I'm sure the WaPo is up for it. They really need the money.

Broken News: California to, um, pay you on Tuesday and shit

The Governor, moments after he realized he'd have to star in Terminator 5 and Predator 3 just to keep the schools open

SACRAMENTO—Amid reports of a state budget crisis that threatens to perpetuate government shutdowns, service cuts, missed payments, and defaulted loans, California reassured the world today that everything is copacetic and that the world's 7th largest economy is "totally good for it."

At a press conference held earlier today, Assistant Press Secretary, Barry "Skeeter" Hamilton sought to quell rumors that the state, which has been in a somewhat dire fiscal condition for years now, was in danger of watching its government and infrastructure completely collapse.

"Dude," Hamilton, who asked to be referred to as Skeeter in the press, began, "We totally just want to tell everyone not to panic. Really, chill. Sure, we got some problems, brah. But who doesn't? I mean, Iran just had that coup and Honduras is trying to figure out how to get away with rigging their presidential election. Speaking of which, why do they call it 'rigging?' Isn't that rope? I mean, if you think about it..."

After flashbulbs from the attendant press roused him, Skeeter continued, "Yeah, so don't go blowing your top. Tops. Top top top... So, yeah, trust us. We'll get you the money, we swear. We're totally good for. We're Cali, baby, we'll come through. We just, like, need a little time to sort some shit out. And if we start to totally get hosed, we'll just bring in Blotter."

It was at this point that Mr. Hamilton proceeded to spin an elaborate story about how bail money for California's deadbeat cousin, lackluster returns from a t-shirt & grilled cheese sale in the parking lot of a Widespread Panic show, and an utterly asinine political system that leaves government at the propositional whims of a notoriously head-fucked electorate had left the state "just a little shy" of the $24 billion required to keep it solvent for the next fiscal year.

The solution, according to Skeeter, will come in the form of IOU's issued to creditors, which he assured everyone were, "like, totally as good as money." Skeeter then added, "Come on, man. We're fucking California! You know we're gonna make up for it. Where are we gonna hide? Ask around, brah, people will tell you we're cool."

Despite California's reassurances, the situation looks more dire by the day. Some reports have Governor Schwarzenegger accepting new movie roles in exchange for studios subsidizing essential services, while others claim that parts of the state have been discounted and offered to Mexico as part of a new "sorry we stole it in the first place" sale.

California is not the only state to face potential fiscal crisis during the recession. Indiana has elected to print counterfeit money, while Illinois issued a formal statement declaring its intention to "break the thumbs" of anyone who tried to collect on its debt.

Pennsylvania absconded with all of its possessions in the middle of the night, leaving no forwarding address. Fastened to its front door with a kitchen knife was a note reading, "You'll never see a fucking dime."

Arizona was able to settle an undisclosed but reportedly significant portion of its debt by marrying Cindy McCain and letting her take care of the bills, whereas Ohio sought a temporary solution by paying for its education and social programs with credit cards taken out in California's name.

Connecticut was curious as to why some creditors and lawmakers had thought it was in financial trouble, as it "totally remembers writing a check for the bill and sending it off.” The Nutmeg State attributed what it called "wildly speculative and reactionary paranoia" to a simple postal error, ensuring its state programs that the check was in the mail.

Those who think California's plan to hand out IOU's in lieu of payment was, at best, extremely childish and, at worst, completely fucking ridiculous, were told by the state that any contractor, construction firm, social services center, hospital, or out-of-state debtor unhappy with the plan can redeem their IOU in Washington DC, where The Golden State suspects most of its confiscated weed is kept.

The state also announced that it is willing to perform free massages and engage in a discussion of the recently published policy paper by the State Budget Office entitled "A Study on the Feasibility and Viability of Pleasant Conclusions."

After strongly suggested that all in attendance "Read it and shit," Skeeter told those assembled he would give them further details after he laid down for a bit and recovered from "that laser light that hit me in the eye at the Blue Oyster Cult show."

Quote of the day

Pennsylvania State Sen. John Eichelberger (do I even need to tell you what party) on why gays should just shut up about this whole rights thing and be thankful for the things we haven't taken from them yet.

Leach: Should our only policy towards [same-sex] couples be one of punishment, to somehow prove that they’ve done something wrong?

Eichelberger: They’re not being punished. We’re allowing them to exist, and do what every American can do. We’re just not rewarding them with any special designation.

Ah, the old "we're letting them live" defense after he spends a few minutes vamping on how homosexuality is just like pedophilia & polygamy. Always wins arguments.

Sorry gays, you may not get the same rights as us, but we do let you breath the straight man's air....for now. There are bills working their ways through PA senate committees that require the LGBT community to breathe compressed air through a scuba apparatus when venturing outside. But remember: be thankful that you're allowed to live!

Picture of the day

Death Valley as rendered by NASA after the completion of a program that topographically mapped 99% of the Earth. That 1% that couldn't be mapped? Your mom's house. Click through the link to see the fruits of their labors and get all the topographical info-porn that readers have always came to this site for.

Science Wednesday

Paleontology and Creationism Meet but Don’t Mesh
The New York Times, as part of their Punishing the Intelligent series, decided to take seventy evolution lovers from the North American Paleontological Convention and take them to Kentucky's own Creation Museum.The article is good, but not without flaws. The two biggest being the inability to see the face of the scientists as each new creationist horror is revealed and there is not meter or 10-point rating system for what seem like a litany of sarcastic comments the scientists make throughout the article. I need to know just how cutting and spiteful there guys were. Frankly this whole process needs to be a documentary. One where they take experts in various fields who have spent lifetimes trying to find answers and prove ideas.....and then show them what their field has been reduced to inside the Museum. I'd bet there'd be more than a few tears and complete mental breakdowns. Some filmmaker needs to get on it.

The Cost Conundrum: What a Texas town can teach us about health care
Atul Gawande drops what is probably one of the best articles you'll ever read on health cares, costs, coverage, and the general state of American medicine. It's been quoted and referenced by the President and several Senators during the current health care "debate". Which is funny in and of itself when the article seems to so heavily and smartly show where we are, what we need to do, data that needs to be gathered, and mindsets that need to be changed that it's hard to believe that the very lawmakers that are dicking around, weakening proposals, unable to even choose to base a policy around the smartest plans that their colleagues have written, and seem to be willing to give up the most basic change that needs to be made to move forward (a public plan) in the service of some milquetoast, "bipartisan" "consensus" even read the thing. If you read one thing today other than this sentence telling you to read this article, read this article.

With Something for Everyone, Climate Bill Passed
Want to know all the ways in which one of the first comprehensive energy and climate change bills, Waxman-Markey, got watered down, weakened and made stupid? At a certain point "pass something effective" got turned into "pass anything" and then the most important aspects, like cap-and-trade, got so gutted as to almost negate the entire purpose of doing them. The best part? They had to do all this to get it out of the House. It hasn't even gotten to the Senate, where all laws go to be made worse. Remember this after it goes through that meat grinder of dumb and then everyone pretends its a great bill that does anything of real value.

I guess it's not a hoax

Well, here we are one day later and it seems that everyone is still under the impression that after a challenge phase that lasted a couple of decades, Al Franken actually gets to take the senate seat he won. Apparently Norm Coleman just gave up after the Minnesota State Supreme Court ruled against him 5-0. Did no one tell him about the US Supreme Court, the plaintive pleas to God, the sacrifices on the black altar that he could use to drag this out for another thousand years? Al Franken is a Senator and there have been no take backsies, cries of "do over", and barring a certification ceremony where the wind blows the certificate away while a weeping Governor Pawlenty cries out "It's gonna take weeks to get another one of those!" Al will actually be allowed in the US Senate without having to have paid for the tour.

"I don't know if it has really sunk in," said Franken, appearing at his home in Minneapolis shortly after receiving a congratulatory call from Coleman, a Republican. "He said it was a very hard-fought campaign. I said, 'Norm, it couldn't have been closer.'

"It was a nice way to end this."

Franken's arrival in the Senate could give Democrats a 60th vote on many issues, a filibuster-proof majority that could help advance President Obama's agenda.

Uh-oh, a filibuster proof majority. Harry Reid and Senate Democrats are going to have to work double time to fuck that up. Actually there shouldn't be that much work. They're always be a Ben Nelson or Evan Bayh out there making sure they get their names in the press for "bucking their own party" and McCain-esque Maverickitude by hamstringing some type of Democratic plan that is broadly supported by the American public. It's how they do.

Finally Minnesota gets its second senator. No longer will Amy Klobuchar be down a man for the Senate tag team wrestling and 2-on-2 b-ball tournaments. More importantly the Minnesota Congressional Delegation will finally have enough members to stage that intervention with Michelle Bachmann to get her to stop the drinking, paint huffing, gasoline drinking, or whatever it is she does that makes her act and think the way she does. Congrats Al, just remember to keep bringin' the funny.