CHARLESTON—Today Mark Sanford announced that due to the multiple tragedies befalling “the leading lights” of the entertainment industry, he was preparing to undertake a symbolic, meditative, vow of silence to honor their memories and accomplishments.
“I was just going to go with a month for Michael Jackson but so many others died that I had to take them into consideration, so as not to appear to be playing favorites,” said the disgraced Governor while making his final public appearance and vocal utterances for the next half a year. “Jackson, Billy Mays, Steve McNair, Farrah Fawcett, Ed McMahon, David Carradine… the death toll is truly catastrophic. I think it best if someone decided to honor their legacies instead of shamelessly exploiting them for ratings or personal gain.”
“Oh God, Karl Malden, too! I forgot Karl Malden,” the Governor shrieked before walking away from the podium, weeping.
Friends close to the Governor hope that his selfless act, combined with this rash of celebrity death, the recession, summer blockbusters, Iran, America’s decided dearth of Argentine-based sex jokes, and his own party’s penchant for harboring other self-deluded narcissists with massively destructive personal secrets that have yet to be revealed, will give Mr. Sanford enough cover to appear in public without so many people laughing and snickering at him.
No one knows quite where the Governor will undertake this silent meditation. However, insiders seem sure that when the Governor chooses a place, it will sound completely plausible and cause no one in the media, his staff, his family, or state government to think anything is amiss.
