Quote of the day

Amongst the criticisms of the LeBron James "I'm taking my talents to South Beach" ego festival, one of the lesser raised one was what it said about LeBron himself. Namely being that for all of the heralded sports giants and "best evers" that have kicked around in various sports, none of them ever seemed to be all that eager to, in their prime, go play second banana to a rival.

Your Jordan's, Bird's, Lemieux's and the like had confidence in their own abilities and stuck it out on the team they were on through bad years and years were they fell short on the singular premise that they thought they were the best and that they would eventually win if they worked hard enough and long enough. Because they were the best. Confidence in self.

Not so much the case with LeBron.

So what happens when they ask one of these legends what they think of James' decision to to Dwyane Wade's team in Dwyane Wade's town to play second fiddle to Dwyane Wade? Well Jordan, as was his style when he played, went right for the throat and Charles Barkley joined in for a little extra kicking.

"There's no way, with hindsight, I would've ever called up Larry [Bird], called up Magic [Johnson] and said, 'Hey, look, let's get together and play on one team,'" Jordan said after playing in a celebrity golf tournament in Nevada. The interview aired on the NBC telecast of the event. "But that's ... things are different. I can't say that's a bad thing. It's an opportunity these kids have today. In all honesty, I was trying to beat those guys."
...
"He'll never be Jordan," Barkley told 790 The Ticket in Miami earlier in the week. "This clearly takes him out of the conversation. He can win as much as he wants to."

No word if either of them spat out a terse "....bitch!" when they were done. Hey Bron, Jordan just dunked on you, tongue out and everything, and there's nothing you can do to even rebut it.

On the other hand, Vice-President is a nice job to have. No pressure, the President does all the work, you get to act crazy and people will slough it off as you "just being the VP", and you get to be President if something should happen to the top dog. Look at how Joe Biden is handling things. It's a fun gig. Plus, I hear Dwyane is a nice boss to have. He won't even make you call him Mr. Wade. Bosh still has to get coffee though. I just hope sports self-castration works out for you.

Video of the day

How LeBron to Miami really went down.

Can I point something out

A few days ago LeBron James leaves the city of Cleveland to take his talents to South Beach, by some estimates devaluing the Cavs by $100 million and cost the city and it's businesses $50 million a year.

Yesterday Cleveland comic book legend Harvey Pekar dies.

Today, Cleveland shipping magnate and Yankee owner George Steinbrenner dies of what everyone in the media is calling a MASSIVE -assive -assive heart attack. As opposed to a regular, hilarious, whimsical, easy heart attack.

I don't want to be too much of a doom obsessed gainsayer... but it's clear the God is killing anything and everything successful, talented, powerful, artistic, creative, or wealthy in Cleveland. I'm fairly certain that by week's end a meteor will have hit the Rock 'N Roll Hall of Fame, Drew Carey will have been murdered and cannibalized by a serial killer, the recipe for brown stadium mustard will be lost for all time, the lake will catch back on fire, the Browns will be able to field a team this year, and most of the townspeople will be turned into pillars of salt.

Cleveland is the new Sodom and Gomorrah and the Lord is piling up his vengeance on thee. Get out while you can. Even then... that didn't save Steinbrenner. I'd say "God have mercy on your souls", but it's clear he doesn't.

He made the grannys club cry

From the Times.

LeGone

As the world watched LeBron's sad, narcissistic farewell/fuck you to the city of Cleveland, one had to sit back in awe at the misguided, cruel, tone deaf, ego stroking nonsense it was. A double fuck you to ESPN, for hyping it and shoving it down everyone's throats. This is why we hate you, Worldwide Leader.

But aside from the whole media whoring, mememememememe, "I wanted to do what was best for LeBron James.... What LeBron James was going to do to make him happy" third person, self-absorbed bullshit that it was, one had to take note at just how needlessly mean it was to a franchise he spent 7 years with and the fans who "witnessed". Or whatever inane Nike slogan it was they used to crown the King. Cleveland, we sympathize. OK, we don't. But it was still a shitty thing to do. As Deadspin put it: "LeBron James is a cocksucker." HE MADE BIEBER CRY!!

On the bright side, your owner went delightfully insane. First posting a letter full of righteous anger that wasn't even tempered by the curious, usually point destroying use of the font Comic Sans. He then knocked LeBron for his poor playoff performance and, rightfully, for quitting during the Celtics series. Fans were burning jerseys, screaming "Judas!", and talking themselves into Jake Delhomme and the upcoming Browns season. You know, depraved shit.

So Sean and I were eagerly awaiting the city's final farewell to LeTraitor, via the front page of the Plain Dealer. What cheap shot would they take? What insult would they hurl? What cruel photoshop would they unveil in order to mock and humiliate the jerkoff who spent an hour, nay offseason, jerking the city around in the unkindest of ways?


Eh. It's a nice, refined version of "Count the no rings, bitch" but we were hoping for so more. So we took it upon ourselves to offer up the city of Cleveland two alternative headlines to send the King off to his new position as Dwyane Wade's sidekick in South Beach.

Tell me they wouldn't already be going back to the printers to order a third run. C'mon Cleveland, this was your one chance to curse in a headline and be cheered for it. Missed opportunity. You had a chance to be justifiably and insanely bitter, vulgar, and mean in print, and you settled for catty.

Take solace though, aside from all the endorsement money he might have just cost himself by turning into the world's most unlikable ass, he probably stored up enough negative karma to engender a multi-ligament blowout on both of his knees somewhere around week one of training camp. Then Miami will be down to fielding a two man team filled out with "Win a spot on the Heat" raffle winners selected from season ticket holders.

Just hold out a little longer. The "delighting in his misery" part will be glorious.

To Cleveland

"Yo Russ, I'm out! See yo ass on South Beach startin' next season. Watch my show. Hey Dwayne, where my beach sandals at?"

You know, as this LeBron ESPN "I'm outta here Cleveland" special is hours away from kicking off, we here at These Bastards would just like to take a moment to offer up some preemptive condolences to the city. Oh sure, we've mocked Cleveland at every opportunity resulting from our Pittsburgh heritage and the sports rivalries inherent within, but we feel for you here.

I mean the biggest superstar in your city, let alone an entire sport, is doing a 1 hour prime time special whose sole purpose is to essentially stab your city in the back, collect a giant check, and give as public a fuck you possible to the people who supported him over his career? And he's from Cleveland to boot? That shit's just cold as ice.

I mean imagine if Sidney Crosby did that to Pittsburgh? Or Hines Ward. Or Ben Ro.... actually, I think we all kind of want #7 to go right now. We just want to be able to go to the bathroom without worrying so much about inappropriate touching in our bathing suit area.

So, putting all that aside, we feel for you.

What, you think we went soft in our old age? Nah, eat it hard Cleveland. This is hilarious. I don't know all that much about this whole hooped sport, what with our fair city having the good sense to never let pro basketball take hold here, but I hope he sins with your biggest rival. Do you even have a biggest rival? The Cavs were pretty much ass before LeBron, so was a rivalry ever built up? Who cares, it's back to mediocrity when he picks some other team at 9 tonight.

Fuck it, I wish there was some way LeBron could sign with the Steelers. Just for a day. Maybe enroll at Pitt and play for Jamie Dixon. Whatever puts salt in the wound more.

Here, Cleveland, the sad trombone plays for you.