Who could have foreseen?: Hitler/pederast edition

Adolf Hitler Campbell Taken From Parents By Police

Adolf Hitler - the three year old, that is - is back in the news. According to New Jersey police, the state's Division of Youth and Family Services took Adolf and his two sisters, one-year-old Joyce Lynn Aryan Nation Campbell and 8-month-old Honszlynn Hinler Jeannie Campbell, from their parents' home Tuesday night.

Who could have foreseen that the people who name their kids after mass murdering Nazis and white supremacist organizations while demanding birthday cake recognition for those names, are in actuality, bad parents? I guess the state of new Jersey didn't take the Campbell's suggestion that everyone "get over it" and "focus on the future and not on the past" before trying to co-opt Barack Obama's message of change for why it's OK for them to celebrate famous racist, genocidal dictators in the names of their children. Live and learn. Next kid you have, go for Joseph Stalin Campbell or Pol Pot Campbell, those are less inflammatory around these parts.

Sex offender who won Alaska lottery beaten with iron pipe

The man who won the state's first half-million dollar lottery was attacked on a downtown street this afternoon with a tire iron or metal pipe, according to Anchorage police. Whether the attack was motivated by Ahsoak's winning the lottery or the widely distributed reports that Ahsoak is a three-time convicted sex offender is not known.

Really Alaska police, you aren't willing to go out on that limb? I'm guessing it was a combination of the two events that caused the attack. Although, critically, the fact that he raped a bunch of 13 year olds came before the financial windfall probably had something to do with it. Also not helping? The fact that the lottery was held to benefit the nonprofit Standing Together Against Rape charity. Regrettably this did not happen in Wasilla. Word to the wise, if you are a pederast and you do win hundreds of thousands of dollars in a lottery, don't advertise the pederast part. Or at least use the money to make a film as good as Chinatown or the Pianist, then the pederast rapist thing becomes OK.

Ain't no love in the heart of the Citi

Citigroup Breaks Up, "Financial Supermarket" Model Dead

The original financial supermarket is dead. Citigroup signaled the end of a decade-long experiment to create one-stop shopping for financial services _ everything from consumer loans to investment banking _ with Tuesday's announcement that it was merging its Smith Barney brokerage into a joint venture with Morgan Stanley.

The deal, which will give Citigroup $2.7 billion in badly needed cash as it gives up control of Smith Barney, comes as the company still struggles in the aftermath of the mortgage and credit crisis. There is speculation that CEO Vikram Pandit, who for months supported Citigroup as a "universal bank," will be taking further steps to simplify and streamline the company.

Citi could soon shrink itself by one-third, according to a Wall Street Journal report Wednesday. The Journal says Citi is likely to announce plans next week to shed two consumer-finance units, the bank's private-label credit card business and cut back on trading it does on its own behalf.

Whither the "too big to fail' mega-conglomeration? Let us mourn the passing of an era where massive financial corporations finally became too big and collapsed after being sabotaged by minorities who wouldn't pay their mortgages. It was a good model, it's only flaw was a tiny susceptibility to poor people who hated living up to their obligations. But now it's dead and people on Wall Street think the model is never coming back. Given their recent prediction rate, I'd say the model will be back inside of a year. Analysts blame Citigroup's collapse on a failure to integrate all their disparate businesses, but I think they're forgetting to note the terrible management and horrible ideas they had.

This isn't the end though, because if old man government has its way Citigroup will be broken into even tinier pieces and scattered into the wind. Unfortunately I've yet to see any news piece address the most important question yet: what does this mean for the Mets new field, dubbed Citi Field? Will they have to resell naming rights or will we use bailout cash to keep it going? After all, marketing for a non-existant company is critical. But there you have it, all those big beautiful mega-groups are dead or folded into other corporations, all our problems are solved, and Wall Street promises it'll never happen again. Now release that other $350 billion or everything will collapse again.

Barry v. Osama

Osama bin Laden decided to pop back up today with a message for the world and our new President. It was a tape of his congratulations to his Muslim brother and a signal to ease tensions in the Middle East. Just kidding, it was all about the Jews! OBL is, surprisingly, not a fan of this Gaza conflict. He called for a jihad against Israel, which was surprising because I thought one had already been called years ago. Maybe this is a new one, or maybe in all the hubbub of 9/11 and Iraq, Israel just slipped al Qaeda's mind. It happens. He also vowed to open new fronts on the war on terror against the US.

"We are on the way to opening new fronts," he said, urging Muslims to "join hands with the mujahedeen to continue the jihad against the enemy, to continue bleeding them on these two fronts and on the others that are open to you."

"The question is, can America continue the war against us for several more decades? The reports and signs show us otherwise," he said. He said Bush had left his successor "with a heavy inheritance," forcing Obama to choose between withdrawing from the wars or continuing.

"If he withdraws from the war, it is a military defeat. If he continues, he drowns in economic crisis," bin Laden said.

I'm not so sure I buy Osama's financial analysis. We can give almost a trillion to banks but ten billion a month is causing us financial trouble? Did insurgents unleash credit swap markets on us? Come on now, claiming credit for our economic failures? That's just being dishonest. Well, unless Phil Gramm was a cell leader. Also big congrats to George Bush, I didn't think you were going to get a big FACE~! from your greatest failure, but OBL did not disappoint. Have I thanked you for pulling troops out of Tora Bora to go to Iraq? No?

But I'm more outraged by his continual use of audio tapes. We're in a Blu-Ray world Osama, Hamas has its own YouTube and you're still pressing record on your boombox. Get with the program Osama, get a blog, a YouTube channel, and a Flickr account and start hammering out some hate and/or satirical news pieces. How are you going to speak to the kids if you can't poke them on Facebook? Then you can challenge the new guy. It's just hard to take you seriously at this point. Web 2.0, look into it.

Broken News: Bush announces comprehensive legacy project

WASHINGTON—What is left of the Bush Administration today unveiled a multi-faceted long-term plan for shaping not only how people remembered his Presidency but to also rehabilitate the parts of his legacy that citizens have not permanently blocked from their collective memory. The plan, dubbed Project: That Same Thing We Did With Reagan, will be slowly rolled out over the next few months. While some insiders note that there will be little to no change in how people view the 43rd President and his Administration in the short term, the overarching goal of this project is to reshape public and historical opinion twenty to thirty years down the line.

“We are aware of how things must look to people now,” observed project leader David Bollard. “But they aren’t taking the long-term view. As Condi, the President and really anyone who has tried to mitigate the damage to their careers and personal lives while speaking on behalf of the Administration for the past year has said, we all feel that everything we have done will be vindicated by history. But we aren’t just going to sit back and let the liberal historical elite make those judgments; we’ve got to start working now to ensure that the urine content of Mr. Bush’s future gravesite will be kept to an absolute minimum.”

Project leaders have noted that while a formal declaration of the legacy initiative was only announced today, the administration’s work had already stretched back years. They point to the failure to fund No Child Left Behind and decreasing world education rankings as a sign that future children might not even be able to read, let alone comprehend a snooty tome about the Iraq war by some pampered cyborg David McCullough.

Additionally, nearly a decade of mandatory dishonesty in every facet of governance and media relations has, they assume, dealt critical damage to the concepts of context, meaning, word definitions, time, space, reality, and the nature of communication.

“A few more years and we might have been able to rewrite the meaning of language,” sighed a despondent Karl Rove. “But I think we’ve severely damaged the underlying structure. I’d like to see some future pundit try and argue that Katrina was a fiasco when one of our legacy drones simultaneously argues that New Orleans was a myth and that the Washington Monument is really a statue built to commemorate the bold and decisive action Bush took during the crisis. Let’s see the future masses try and get a handle on what was happening during this period when they’re bombarded by that kind of shit.”

While the project is meant to rehabilitate George Bush and his administration, some key figures will not have their reputations mended by the project. For example, Donald Rumsfeld will be edited out of all official White House documents, while his image in all photographs will be replaced by photoshopped plants. Official records and accounts of Colin Powell will slowly be morphed into the records and accounts of Barack Obama, thereby melding the two into one under the guise that “they all look alike” and casting the election of the first black President as a triumphant endorsement of the Bush Administration.

As for Vice-President Dick Cheney, his actions will remain unchanged and unedited. In fact a pictographic history of his deeds will be carved onto a seven story jade obelisk and placed at the center of Washington DC as a warning to all. Rumors and legends will be spread and children will fear his name and violent retribution. Cheney himself will be allowed to return to his fortress to sleep for a thousand years, hibernating in the foul earth, awaiting the call of the Elder Gods so he can awake and bathe the planet is his horror once again.

But project leaders have placed the most hope for legacy redemption into a series of two foot by four foot lead tablets. On these series of tablets will be inscribed an alternate history of the past eight years, one filled with triumphs, successes, peace, competent decision making, and free puppies with free candy in their mouths and free balloons attached to their free collars. These tablets will be buried at over two hundred different sites worldwide.

The hope? “Look, we may be craven liars but we’re well aware of the state of the country right now,” observed Mr. Bollard. “Our projections have the survival of this country and consequently the world pegged at about 50%. So in the likely event that society is negated and the human race dies out because… say… the President traded some smallpox to Syria for an autographed Nolan Ryan baseball, then we have a contingency. When aliens survey the ruins of our once great civilization they will come across the tablets and, provided they take the time to figure out our language, learn of the ‘legacy’ of George W. Bush. Try countering that, Huffington Post!”

Project leaders hope to have the first phase completed before the complete collapse of centralized global leadership and the dissolution of the United States. If America exists in June they hope to further the rollout with pundit spots on Meet the Press and This Week with George Stephanopoulos.

Quote of the day: Huckabee on "...and one in the stink"

On his Fox News talk show, HUCK!, Mike Huckabee hosted intellectual debutante Ann Coulter, out trying to flog some new book about the liberal conspiracy to rape your kids and how all black people and single mothers are conspiring to commit crimes and squirt out criminal stripper children. During the 'discussion' Coulter attacked the Huckster on what she perceived as his staggering lack of all consuming gay hate. Huck stopped and took time to reminded her that he ain't no fag.

HUCKABEE: I am not, as you characterized me in one article, pro-gay, pro-sodomy. That is so not me.

COULTER: Yes, there was a Supreme Court decision. You said you agreed or disagreed with. Yes, I got you on that Mike Huckabee.

HUCKABEE: Nope. You didn’t. I am definitely not pro-sodomy. I promise, scout’s honor.

So ladies, a word of warning. If you're letting Mike Huckabee lay pipe in your lady business, don't you dare try to slip a finger in his nether regions. He doesn't care for it or all gay people. Now you know how to avoid that embarrassing faux pas. You're welcome.

Bush announces invasion of Thursday night programming

Mind gangster and emotional terrorist George Bush has decided to wrest command of our Thursday night airwaves to deliver a farewell address that will certainly disrupt the showing of not only Grey's Anatomy, but possibly even 30 Rock and Bones. Why is he going to give a farewell address to the nation? He has no clue whatsoever and, if you'd be so kind, he's soliciting ideas for a theme or train of thought to base his final address around. In fact he wasn't even sure he was going to do the old goodbye to the nation a few weeks ago, mostly because he didn't want it getting too real.

SCULLY: Will you deliver a farewell address in this office?

BUSH: Thinking about it. Thinking about it. A lot of Presidents have, and I’m giving it serious thought. I don’t want it to be — you know, kind of a real emotional goodbye.

You won't have any worries about it getting too emotional. Unless you meant emotions such as exultant joy or glorious happiness over the fact that you are leaving, or the extreme feelings of loathing, outrage, and disgust over the fact that you've delayed Grissom's last CSI so you could you could spit out 15 minutes worth of "Uhhh....terrorists is still out there. I didn't catch them all. Stay....vag...vigilant. See you on the flipside." before announcing unilateral pardons for everyone in your administration. As a single tear rolls down his cheek he'll tell us that he's sorry...that we didn't fully comprehend his brilliance.

So George, don't you bother getting all emotional either, we'll be all right. We've suffered through you, we can handle anything. Don't worry. Don't look back. Run, RUN~! to your new house in Dallas. You're Texas' problem again.

BARRY! The heartwarming story that transfixed 53% of the country.

The fascist shock troops of the liberal media elite, MSNBC, have decided to force a decision on you: catch an early showing of Paul Blart: Mall Cop so as to avoid the rush or go see Mr. Barry get inaugurafied. Oh yes, the Inauguration, coming to theaters near you.

President-elect Barack Obama is on his way to the big screen, thanks to a deal between MSNBC and Screenvision that will put the news channel's inaugural coverage in 27 theaters around the country.

Free tickets are being handed out via MSNBC.com to see the inauguration and parade from 11 a.m.-3:30 p.m. ET at the 27 theaters run by 11 exhibitor partners in 21 markets. Midday Tuesday isn't necessarily a big movie time, so it helps to fill the theater -- and boost popcorn and soda sales -- at a time when it's not usually busy.

Because nothing moves popcorn and jumbo Kit-Kat's like Chris Matthews' gruesome visage, 20 feet high and screeching about the history of the event in DTS surround sound. Its probably more horrifying and fright inducing than My Bloody Valentine 3D. No mention of whether they will actually charge money for the privilege of seeing a two story Keith Olbermann get sedated the second Dick Cheney appears on the dais, or if they realize everyone can watch this at home on any channel they wish for free. I'm for it as long as it leads to the one thing we all want: Scarborough Country in IMAX.

Go to MSNBC Events for details. If you show it to your boss you could conceivably weasel leaving your office to 'witness the history on the big screen' instead of huddling around the office TV with Philyss and the gang, trying to remember if you know these people well enough to get away with cracking the mulatto jokes you Googled.

The Loathsome

via Buffalo Beast comes their comprehensive list of the years 50 most loathsome people of 2008. From Barack Obama to Sarah Palin (what you thought someone else was going to be #1) they list the offenses and the prescribed punishment. Among the highlights:

50. Barack Obama
Charges: Beyond a few token acts of bipartisan marketing, Barry's major duty in the Senate was to avoid legislating, so he could pretend Washington-outsider status and nullify attacks on his non-existent policy positions.

Sentence: Presiding over the decline of an exhausted empire.

45. Nancy Pfotenhauer
Charges: A face so hewn can't be found in American politics outside of the Black Hills—or possibly the Speaker's office. The envy of any giraffe prostitute, her Coulterish neck suggests a correlation between head-shoulder distance and affinity for dissembling fascism.

39. Caroline Kennedy
Charges: A limp, lifeless, murmuring slouch whose dearth of vivacity makes John Kerry look like Richard Simmons, Kennedy has the apparent focus and charm of a shock therapy victim on Haldol.

28. Frank Caliendo
Charges: The retarded man's Rich Little, Caliendo has been irritating Americans for nearly a decade, gaining recognition as the implausibly fat impressionist on the lethally unfunny "MADtv".

Exhibit A: His TBS vehicle, "Frank TV," is the least amusing thing to appear on television since the morning of September 11, 2001.

7. Dick Cheney
Charges: Still alive.

Sentence: Eaten alive by baboons.

Picture of the day

Quote of the day: what the fuck?

From Joe the Plumber, aka Edward R. Pipesnake, on his journalism tour of the Israeli/Palestinian conflict. His conclusion? Abolish that pesky media, lest they try to cover a war.

I’ll be honest with you. I don’t think journalists should be anywhere allowed war. I mean, you guys report where our troops are at. You report what’s happening day to day. You make a big deal out of it. I think it’s asinine. You know, I liked back in World War I and World War II when you’d go to the theater and you’d see your troops on, you know, the screen and everyone would be real excited and happy for’em. Now everyone’s got an opinion and wants to downer–and down soldiers. You know, American soldiers or Israeli soldiers.

I think media should be abolished from, uh, you know, reporting. You know, war is hell. And if you’re gonna sit there and say, “Well look at this atrocity,” well you don’t know the whole story behind it half the time, so I think the media should have no business in it.

Video horrorshow here. You are looking at your 2012 VP candidate. Palin/Plumber in '12. This is what the Mayans were warning about.

Bush legacy tour kicks into gear

George Bush kicked his post-Presidential career of pretending not to know what happened to the country over the past eight years into full swing today with his final press conference. Of note was the fact that he actually gave a press conference. No shoes were thrown. Those of you who are too young to remember might have heard stories of a time when our elected betters would stand in front of a podium made out of the bones of their defeated enemies to subdue the screeching attacks of the pampered ink stained elite. These ceremonies have fallen into disfavor over the past eight years as our chief ape was not able to deflect the insightful howling of the writing baboons in a competent manner. Thus the ritual was left to become legend. But it's back and George is still trying to flog what his brain perceives as minor snafus.

In a nostalgic farewell news conference, Bush recalled the start of his own presidency, called Obama "a smart, engaging person" and said he wishes his successor all the best.

As for his own presidency, Bush defended his decisions on the Iraq war, the issue that will define his presidency like no other. There have been over 4,000 U.S. deaths since the invasion and toppling of Saddam Hussein in 2003.

He said that "not finding weapons of mass destruction was a significant disappointment." The accusation that Saddam had and was pursuing weapons of mass destruction was Bush's main initial justification for going to war.

Bush admitted another miscalculation: Eager to report quick progress after U.S. troops ousted Saddam Hussein, Bush five years ago made a victory speech in front of a "Mission Accomplished" banner, a sign that turned out to be wildly optimistic.

Ah yes, that damn banner. It all would have gone right if not for that damn banner. And the no WMD's. And starting that war. But other then that: aces. Bush then took time to pontificate on Katrina, actually trying to use criticism of the speed of the Federal response as an attack on the integrity and decency of helicopter pilots who were pulling people off of rooftops. Classic Bush, we're going to miss that unmitigated gall and the implication that any criticism of you is criticism of some other group of honorable citizens. Bush also took time out of his busy schedule to demand the rest of the $350 billion in bank bailout cash. Apparently Paulson really is jonesing to hand out billions again and if he doesn't get his fix he might do something crazy. I' m sure Congress will get right on it.

Bush then more or less indirectly pointed out that everything he did will have to be fixed and addressed by future Presidents, lest they suck us down into some swirling maelstrom of destruction. That's a fitting coda, it will take possibly the next two or three Presidents to undo Bush II. I guess that's a legacy...of a sort.

Bush economy historically bad, in case you were wondering

In case you weren't swayed by the shoe leather you're boiling to eat, some nice economists got together and added up a bunch of numbers and then compared them to other numbers and came to one shocking conclusion: the Bush economy has been an exploding hellstorm of misery and despair. By the way, that's a technical term.

President Bush has presided over the weakest eight-year span for the U.S. economy in decades, according to an analysis of key data, and economists across the ideological spectrum increasingly view his two terms as a time of little progress on the nation's thorniest fiscal challenges.

The number of jobs in the nation increased by about 2 percent during Bush's tenure, the most tepid growth over any eight-year span since data collection began seven decades ago. Gross domestic product, a broad measure of economic output, grew at the slowest pace for a period of that length since the Truman administration. And Americans' incomes grew more slowly than in any presidency since the 1960s, other than that of Bush's father.

Now these numbers only go back seven decades, so it's not a complete picture of failure. Who knows, maybe Zachary Taylor, James Polk, or Grover Cleveland (the second time) presided over worse economies. We'll never know, for some reason they didn't keep extensive GDP records or employment statistics or have electric/polio medicine. But at least he'll have a conversation starter with his father other than "I don't think James Cromwell looked or acted much like you in W". He can start right off with "Isn't it funny how our two Presidencies were the worst for American workers in decades? I wonder how that happened." before then switching the conversation to baseball.

So now we're getting the full picture. Not just bad in a "I kinda don't like the guy and feel this has been a shitty eight years." But bad in a numbers, maths+science, doctorate, slide rule, official looking podiums, men with glasses, lab coat, official kind of way. Now we know for sure it wasn't a mass hallucination/bad dream.

Broken In Brief: Dog-baby combination fails to deliver intercourse

NEW YORK--Brooklyn resident Nathan Panetta was rendered speechless over the weekend as the dog and baby he borrowed from his friends failed to garner any female attention during a stroll through Prospect Park.

After a third straight holiday season spent alone beneath the mistletoe and four separate New Year's Eve strikeouts, Panetta chose to beg his married friends, Joe and Ellen Dinetti, for access to Joe Jr. and Benny, a three-year-old baby and beagle/terrier mix, respectively.

"I figured I was fuckin' golden," explained Panetta,36, who has been single for going on four years. "What better way to show come cooze I'm a fuckin' sensitive, caring guy, you know? I been dating Rosie Palmer and her five sisters for so long I ain't even sure if my unit still marches. Some broads like kids, some like doggies. I thought I had all my bases covered. I even put the little brat in a Save Darfur shirt. I should have been up to my balls in trim the second I stepped in that park."

Never one to quit, Panetta returned the alleged "snatch magnets" to their rightful owners and began pondering a new strategy, one that "I'm just sayin', might involve some Chloroform and shadowy lurking."

It is written

Sugar Ray "I didn't kill no motherfuckin' lion" Lewis

VS.

Jeff Reed, bachelorette party crasher, bride to be, midnight mayor of Las Vegas

Stillers. Ravens. AFC Championship. 6:30 PM Sunday December 18th.

Stiller Sunday: Playoffs

Stillers vs. Chargers. Tomlin vs. Turner. BR7 vs. Marmalard. The Steelers D vs. Runbelina/Hans Sproleman/Darren DeVito. It's all over but the crying. Can the Chargers come in here and win? They are 0-13 in Pittsburgh during the regular season, but 2-0 in the playoffs. Most memorable of them is the Alfred Pupunu/Stan Humphries AFC Championship bed shitting from '94 that I got to be traumatized by while sitting in the stands. On the line? A home AFC Championship game against a team we've beat twice already.

Despite ramming the ball down their throats last game to the tune of 410 yards, we only won 11-10. This is because of a failed 4th and goal, two penalties that called back touchdowns, and the inexplicable Polamalu TD overturn that was completely rigged as to salvage a $63 million dollar windfall for Gamblor, your gambling overlord. Also, we were penalized 13 times for 115 yards, the Chargers were penalized twice for 5 yards. Yet we still won. Can we do it again? Yes. On paper we are the better team and God owes us for 1994 and those Kordell Stewart AFC Championships as well.

Of question is the mental readiness of the Concussed One, will he rise to the occasion or play like he did the last time he returned from a concussion: rancidly. The other big question: Darren Sproles, will he torch us like he did the Colts or is he destined to be squashed like every other running back that mans up against the league's best D? Only one way to find out: by playing the game, if I'm remembering correctly.

Kickoff 4:45. Line is Steelers by three. Over/Under on years this game takes off your life is 2 1/2.

Saturday Sunday News Hole

Katrina's Hidden Race War
Just in case you were starting get warm and fuzzy nostalgic feelings about Hurricane Katrina, the Nation and A.C. Thompson swoops in to disabuse you of any such notions. How does roving gangs of whites murdering black people sound? How does no one being prosecuted sound? Well there at least might be some change on that second front. Because of the Nation's reporting the NOPD is at least going to put forth a sham investigation, claiming that they had never ever heard of this before the Nation report. An additional story here, and a documentary on the events here.

Going Green For Beer
Aside from making us a nation of car drivers and defacto air cattle, our dumb transportation policy and lax rail system in this country makes alcohol more destructive then 1,000 atomic bombs. OK, not really, but our shitty system of public transportation makes driving the most likely option and increases the risk and frequency of drunk driving. So remember, you just don't want better mass transit because of the environment, you want it because it'll give you more options when you try to drown your pain in alcohol every day Friday night. Though one of the downsides of having an improved rail system? Losing the look of terror on a Europeans face when you tell them how long it will take to get anywhere in this country by train.

Mule Credited With Saving Woman From Fire
Odds that this happened in the south? 1-1. What this story fails to note is that the mule set this fire and was laughing at the destruction it caused, not waking it's owners. We've been at war with pyromaniac animals since that cow that started the Chicago fire, the gaggle of geese that torched London, and that Christian horse that burnt Rome and spread rumors about Nero fiddling during the blaze. Animals: not to be trusted.

Obama Continuing Fight To Keep Blackberry
The first major fight of the Obama Presidency isn't going to be over gays in the military, the stimulus, or forced abortions for all, it'll be over his beloved Crackberry. He thinks he needs it to keep in touch with outside opinions and get information faster, others note that it is one of the least secure devices ever and can be hacked by the Chinese in a hot minute. Maybe they need to make that point a little louder to Barry. Put it away Mr. President, tell Larry Summers you LOL'd over his last chain e-mail in person.

Obama's Presidential Limo Will Be a 'Rolling Tank With Windows'
Just try shooting at our new President with your fancy rocket launchers and pimped out German surplus Panzers. No really, the Secret Service is daring you to. Five inch think windows, 19.5 inch thick tires (rollin on 20's), a locking mechanism that locks the car down like a bank vault, tractor trailer frame, steel reinforced plating in door gaps, a 10 CD changer, flame retardant dice, machine guns behind the headlights, and a retractable cow catcher for plowing through unruly mobs. The President knows how to roll, get the fuck out his way lest his roving Presi-tank grinds your bones under its wheels.

Blagojevich impeached, taken off medication

So Rowdy Roddy Blagojevich is going to be impeached. The Illinois house voted to send him up to the senate for trial by a vote of 114-1-1. There he will almost certainly be thrown out of office. But that's not why we're here. We knew this was coming. Why we're here is because of the press conference Rod gave.

In it he wheeled out an actual man in a wheelchair, senior citizens, an infant, and a poor black teenager who had liver surgery and attempted to hide behind them. Evidently he couldn't find a wounded veteran waving a flag, a puppy, an astronaut, or a weeping nun. According to Rod, he is not being impeached because of all the hours of recorded conversations that have him demanding bribes and kickbacks, but because he was fighting for the poor and huddled masses assembled on the stage. A vindictive payback for caring about kids and freedom and liberty and apple pie with hamburgers and justice in it. He then closed by reciting Tennyson's Ulysses before challenging the press to a guitar duel on the Stranglehold level of Guitar Hero.

I don't even know what to say at this point. This man is setting and re-setting the bar. He is the Usain Bolt of cheap political theater and we're all just lagging behind. I'm going to miss you when you're in prison, Rod. Try and start up a bizarre prison gang or become a Muslim or something, just so you can pop back into the news every once in a while. We salute you.

Quote of the day

For those of you not in the know, Joe the Plumber is going over to Gaza to be a war correspondent for right wing news site Pajamas Media to "let the Average Joes share their story" by haranguing Israelis and Palestinians in the middle of a war. When asked if he was afraid, he gave a brilliant little quote.

Is he scared that one of the Hamas rockets might have his name on it? Not really. After all, as he explained, he's a Christian so God will keep him safe.

"Being a Christian I'm pretty well protected by God I believe," he said.

Yeah....uh check with the Israelis about how well that works out. Or the Palestinians. Or really, just about anyone who's occupied that general area of land in the entire recorded history of man. I think even dinosaurs were biting the shit out of each other in some sort of Mesozoic Gaza Strip. There isn't much God based protection going on there. I think it has something to do with all the various Gods canceling each others powers out. Maybe the buildings or soil have some sort of God-negating material in it.

The exploitation of Sarah Palin

Palin: Katie Couric, Tina Fey Have Been "Exploiting" Me

Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin is questioning whether Caroline Kennedy is getting better treatment from the press in her bid for a Senate seat from New York than the battering she says she received as John McCain's running mate on the Republican presidential ticket.
...
In the interview, Palin criticized the news media's coverage of her and her family, telling Ziegler that CBS News anchor Katie Couric and comic actress Tina Fey had been "exploiting" her. Palin gave Couric a rare interview at the beginning of her campaign for vice president, and Fey frequently impersonated Palin on "Saturday Night Live."

Palin singled out the Couric interview as condescending, particularly a question about what she reads and, according to the governor, "What do you guys do up there?" In fact, Couric never asked that question but did press, unsuccessfully, for the governor to state specific newspapers she read, which Palin never did.

Sorry Sarah, on behalf of a tired nation I apologize for your oh so mean treatment at the hands of a cabal of media elite. Never before has a politician had to suffer though a comedian who kinda looks like them savage their credibility weekly with an impression on a comedy show. You probably shouldn't have went on the show in a desperate attempt to capitalize on that 'explotation' but whatever. Now it's open season on the mocking of politicians and that can never be undone. To quote Saul Silver "The monkey's out of the bottle now. Pandora can't go back into the box - he only comes out." And the nerve of Katie Couric to ask questions at an interview you requested and then broadcast them on TV during a Presidential campaign. And those questions you claim she asked but, in fact, never did. Outrageous. Though really, if her questions were so condescending, shouldn't they have been easy to answer instead of impossibly difficult?

Though yes, Caroline Kennedy is getting better treatment from the press. Part of that is because she isn't as terrible as you, has a previous record people admire, and didn't bust out of Alaska's meth capital winking, finger gunning, and 'you betcha'ing as the absolute personification of dumb, image based, empty politicking. But she is pretty terrible at interviews and answering questions, is seeking the Senate seat based on her last name and a sense of entitlement, and has been pilloried for that. She's even been described as Palinesque. It's just that you were so bad it's hard for anyone to eclipse that, even someone who is also bad. Come to that realization, read a book, learn how to deflect the devastating "could you be more specific" follow up, knock the cock away from your underage daughters, and hope Tina Fey dies in the next few years. Perhaps 2012 will then be a less embarrassing experience for us all.

Hannity and liberal to be named later, named

It seems America's favorite well adjusted, honest truthteller, Sean Hannity, has settled on the new format for his show. If you recall, a few months ago Sean announced that he had given away Alan Colmes to a nice old couple on a big farm upstate, where he'd have lots of room to roam and run and be a socialist. As we all know, Colmes was put to sleep on a cold veterinary floor and then incinerated with a pile of tabby cats and an old dalmatian. Now instead of one co-host Hannity will moderate a perverse coterie of panel guests.

The new Alan Colmes-less Hannity premieres Monday with frequent Fox News guest Al Sharpton filling the liberal seat on Sean Hannity's newly christened "Great American Panel."

Rep. Michelle Bachman (R-Minn.) will fill the seat on the right. The X-factor on the panel: Meatloaf.
...
Hannity will employ a rotating panel in lieu of a permanent ideological counterpoint. The show will also bow a few new elements including the Hate Hannity Hotline featuring highlights from Hannity haters.

Al Sharpton, the crazy lady from Minnesota, and Meatloaf? It's like someone read my mind. I was hoping it was just going to devolve into Hannity reading briefs from an alternate reality where Bush was a great President and was handing off the keys to a Palin administration. Now he's just going to bring the same crazy he brought every night, except he's going to do it in tandem with a fellow nut and expose his madness to a different democrat and a early-eighties celebrity every night in some sort of experiment to see if insanity can be transmitted by proximity.

The Hannity Fun Time Hour debuts on Monday. No word on the hotline number, but we'll pot it up as soon as we get it. Stop leaving the heavy breathing, explicit messages to the answering machine of the elderly pensioner two doors down, give Hannity the pleasure of your deviant phone activity.

If you're reading this, you're probably unemployed

Rate Jumps To 7.2%, 524,000 Jobs Axed

The nation's unemployment rate bolted to 7.2 percent in December, the highest level in 16 years, as nervous employers slashed 524,000 jobs, capping one of the worst years in modern history for American workers.

The Labor Department's report, released Friday, underscored the grim toll the deepening recession is having on workers and companies. And it highlights the difficulty President-elect Barack Obama faces in resuscitating the flat-lined economy. This year has gotten off to a rough start with a flurry of big corporate layoffs, pointing to another year of hefty job reductions.

For all of 2008, the economy lost a net total of 2.6 million jobs. That was the most since 1945, when nearly 2.8 million jobs were lost. Though the U.S. labor force has more than tripled since then, losses of this magnitude are still being painfully felt.

Nervous employers? I'm not so sure I'd categorize a business trying to cope with the implosion of the economy as nervous. More like shrieking terror combined with thoughts of jumping out the nearest window, while you scramble around trying to fire enough people so you can keep the lights on and so the old men upstairs won't fire you. Know what's worse than losing 524,000 jobs? Knowing that it will probably be revised up past 600,000 next month when more accurate numbers come in. It is nice to know that we Americans are at least being fired in big round numbers with three zeros on the end. But really, 524? Couldn't someone have fired 1,000 more people so we can get a nice 'divisible by five' number up there? Citibank? Newscorp? Target?

All I know is I'm sure glad we've been under the stewardship of the nation's first MBA President. Imagine where we'd be if we didn't have someone who understood business and the markets so well. We wouldn't be about to transition into the world's first ditchdigger economy, that's for sure. So if you're newly fired, you have These Bastards condolences. But move along, there's no work here. Two jobs, both filled. MOVE ALONG!

Broken News: America unveils list of resolutions

WASHINGTON--America unveiled today its list of New Year's resolutions for 2009 after a week of careful vetting by the office of the Vice-President deemed the document sufficiently sanitized for public consumption. Reportedly eliminated were some of the more ambitious, life affirming resolutions as well as any moments of genuine reflection leading to important realizations. This was the longest list since 1972's "Things we'll no longer do with napalm" and its most ambitious since the 1987 incarnation that, albeit sarcastically, listed all of the ways in which Ronald Reagan would stop ensuring poor people would stay that way.

The list of resolutions was unveiled at a ceremony in the capital rotunda where it was read, as tradition mandates, by a Lockheed Martin lobbyist standing in front of a large banner depicting the crossed index and middle fingers of a bejeweled, well-manicured hand. New to the event this year was the selling of naming rights for this year's list to the highest bidder with the proceeds expected to go towards buying Dick Cheney another man-sized safe. As a bonus, this year the Blackwater Presents: America's 2009 Resolutions announcement ceremony proved to be more orderly after a twitchy Miami-Herald journalist was shot 47 times by the lawless mercenaries providing security.

While the full list of ambitious points of self-improvement ran for a record 387 pages, the major points were emphasized early. Chief amongst them were America's promise to try real hard not to invade anyone in 2009, its commitment to 50 cent wings every Tuesday night and, for the 17th consecutive year, its intention to end the relentless, racist, resource-squandering "War on Drugs."

Below are additional selections pulled from the full statement, which can be obtained through conventional mail by sending a self-addressed stamped envelope to the Congressional Office of Empty Promises.

On this Day of Our Lord, January the Eighth, Two-Thousand Nine, the United States of America hereby resolves to:

--handle that whole food/housing/AIDS/cancer thing

--get combo boner/hair restoration pill to market

--discontinue the Grammys

--take newspaper industry out behind the shed and finally put it out of its misery

--stop referring to Tony Romo as a "professional quarterback"

--finish that TV script about the doctor who investigates graphic crime scenes with his ghost sidekick

--pay attention to missing black women as well

--stop obsessing over how much Oprah weighs

--start obsessing over how much Rachael Ray weighs

--no longer pretend to be Canadian when traveling overseas and instead just man up and learn that Australian accent

--not just test drive, but actually purchase, a Prius

--start making South Americans the villains in movies again

--start picking up creditor's phone calls

--liquidate Carlos Mencia

--finally make the move towards buying only high definition porn

--enroll wife and kids in Advanced Zombie Survival Training Program, because we all know it's coming

--get really serious about pretending to care about the Sudan, maybe even buy that "Fair Trade Darfur" t-shirt or something

--hunker down and really try to amp up media coverage enough to get Britney Spears to kill herself this year

--find a sandwich with all the bacon of the Baconator, but with enough beef to stop the heart of an adolescent giraffe

--continue to make Two and a Half Men America's #1 rated comedy show, lest something funny and original invade our psyches

--spend at least 15 minutes trying to enjoy a televised soccer match

--concern itself with lax Chinese environmental and labor violations, even when they don't necessarily involve lead paint or date rape drugs in kids toys

--Netflix those Seth Rogen and Will Ferrell movies where they play Seth Rogan and Will Ferrell

--mandate more Lil' Wayne guest spots on hit songs; 75% is simply not enough

--learn to hoard canned food and ammo better

--make society just shitty enough that the robots won't want to take over

--forget about swimming and track & field for another four years

--stop using both fossil fuels and irony as though they are infinite resources

Bollywood's salute to Bush

Bollywood has decided to move into This Is Spinal Tap territory with a faux-documentary about Bush's 2006 visit to India and a contest they had there to shake his hand. I was hoping for a large, elaborate dance number and musical representing the myriad of foreign policy blunders Bush presided over or perhaps a battle with Indian Superman, but this will do.

Arlen Specter is concerned

After the constant parade of embarrassment that waltzed through the Justice Department over the past few years, with the ignoring of laws, political based prosecutions, acting as a political arm of the White House, enabling law breaking, refusing to serve subpoenas or really do much of anything that Congress wanted, and just in general being in the complete pocket of the White House, Arlen Specter has had enough. It's not because Democrats are in office or there was a cyborg replicant that kidnapped him, replaced him, and shirked his duties over the past eight years, it's because....actually it's probably one of those two reasons.

A leading Republican senator issued a broad attack on Tuesday on President-elect Barack Obama’s pick as attorney general, Eric H. Holder Jr., questioning his political independence.

The senator, Arlen Specter of Pennsylvania, who is the ranking Republican on the Judiciary Committee, said Mr. Holder’s support of the White House’s stance on three contentious issues when he was deputy attorney general in the Clinton administration suggested that he was too willing to do the president’s bidding.

“He’s had an outstanding academic and professional record, and I acknowledge that early on,” Mr. Specter said of Mr. Holder in a 25-minute speech on the Senate floor. “But aside from these qualifications on Mr. Holder’s résumé, there is also the issue of character, and sometimes it is more important for the attorney general to have the stature and the courage to say no instead of to say yes.”

It's funny that none of these concerns were raised when you greased the skids for Ashcroft, Gonzales, or Mukasey, during all the Judicial Committee hearings you presided over either as chairman of ranking minority member, or in general. Of course you're mad about them now, but when you had the chance you were constantly backing down and groveling. That is the Arlen Specter way, complain about something then turtle and vote for it when it's time to do something.

But like many Republicans (and some Democrats) you've found your spine and dusted off your principles just in time. You can move your main focus over the years from Bill Belichik's taping methodologies onto the country and the Rule of Law. Congratulations, I'm sure the timing is coincidental. Just one question: is Chris Matthews sure he doesn't want to run in 2010?

Serving, Protecting, Wounding...

A couple of friends from out west have been feeding me information on this mess, which looks more justified by the minute.

Protesters angry over a deadly New Year’s Day shooting of a young black man by a transit police officer erupted into violence in downtown Oakland on Wednesday night while investigators struggled to determine what prompted the officer to fire his gun into the unarmed man’s back.

Why so angry? Here's video of that noble civil servant shooting an unarmed, handcuffed black man in the back for, well, no apparent reason whatsoever. Note: the magic happens at around 1:25.



Quick poll: Think this is worse than the poor bastard who was sodomized by three brave NYPD officers? I mean, at least a gunshot wound leaves a scar you can actually show people.