Um... I, ah, I, I, ah... I, uh -- the, uh -- ah

Why is it that every time a Republican is asked this question they turn into some blubbering combination of a nervous Elmer Fudd and Porky Pig? Then they have to pledge their fealty to the scientific method, even though they completely reject most of what it comes up with. Why do they feel the need to take us on a five minute stammering journey of gibberish in order to claim that the science isn't in on evolution or climate change and we sure as fuck shouldn't find out what it says on stem cells? Just say "no".

Why not? The "debate" has been so watered down by attempts to bend over backward to accommodate the opinions of "God did it" that only 40% of the country definitively believes in evolution. The only place on the planet where "I'm not sure about that evolution thing" is even a more popular answer: Turkey. Feel free to definitively state your opposition to science, Mike. You've helped make ignorance a massively popular opinion. You'll gain votes.

Oh, and Tweety? Pat Toomey vs. a Democrat Arlen Specter? I'm sorry about what I said earlier, please run for the Senate in PA.

BARRY! The heartwarming story that transfixed 53% of the country.

The fascist shock troops of the liberal media elite, MSNBC, have decided to force a decision on you: catch an early showing of Paul Blart: Mall Cop so as to avoid the rush or go see Mr. Barry get inaugurafied. Oh yes, the Inauguration, coming to theaters near you.

President-elect Barack Obama is on his way to the big screen, thanks to a deal between MSNBC and Screenvision that will put the news channel's inaugural coverage in 27 theaters around the country.

Free tickets are being handed out via MSNBC.com to see the inauguration and parade from 11 a.m.-3:30 p.m. ET at the 27 theaters run by 11 exhibitor partners in 21 markets. Midday Tuesday isn't necessarily a big movie time, so it helps to fill the theater -- and boost popcorn and soda sales -- at a time when it's not usually busy.

Because nothing moves popcorn and jumbo Kit-Kat's like Chris Matthews' gruesome visage, 20 feet high and screeching about the history of the event in DTS surround sound. Its probably more horrifying and fright inducing than My Bloody Valentine 3D. No mention of whether they will actually charge money for the privilege of seeing a two story Keith Olbermann get sedated the second Dick Cheney appears on the dais, or if they realize everyone can watch this at home on any channel they wish for free. I'm for it as long as it leads to the one thing we all want: Scarborough Country in IMAX.

Go to MSNBC Events for details. If you show it to your boss you could conceivably weasel leaving your office to 'witness the history on the big screen' instead of huddling around the office TV with Philyss and the gang, trying to remember if you know these people well enough to get away with cracking the mulatto jokes you Googled.

Arlen Specter is concerned

After the constant parade of embarrassment that waltzed through the Justice Department over the past few years, with the ignoring of laws, political based prosecutions, acting as a political arm of the White House, enabling law breaking, refusing to serve subpoenas or really do much of anything that Congress wanted, and just in general being in the complete pocket of the White House, Arlen Specter has had enough. It's not because Democrats are in office or there was a cyborg replicant that kidnapped him, replaced him, and shirked his duties over the past eight years, it's because....actually it's probably one of those two reasons.

A leading Republican senator issued a broad attack on Tuesday on President-elect Barack Obama’s pick as attorney general, Eric H. Holder Jr., questioning his political independence.

The senator, Arlen Specter of Pennsylvania, who is the ranking Republican on the Judiciary Committee, said Mr. Holder’s support of the White House’s stance on three contentious issues when he was deputy attorney general in the Clinton administration suggested that he was too willing to do the president’s bidding.

“He’s had an outstanding academic and professional record, and I acknowledge that early on,” Mr. Specter said of Mr. Holder in a 25-minute speech on the Senate floor. “But aside from these qualifications on Mr. Holder’s résumé, there is also the issue of character, and sometimes it is more important for the attorney general to have the stature and the courage to say no instead of to say yes.”

It's funny that none of these concerns were raised when you greased the skids for Ashcroft, Gonzales, or Mukasey, during all the Judicial Committee hearings you presided over either as chairman of ranking minority member, or in general. Of course you're mad about them now, but when you had the chance you were constantly backing down and groveling. That is the Arlen Specter way, complain about something then turtle and vote for it when it's time to do something.

But like many Republicans (and some Democrats) you've found your spine and dusted off your principles just in time. You can move your main focus over the years from Bill Belichik's taping methodologies onto the country and the Rule of Law. Congratulations, I'm sure the timing is coincidental. Just one question: is Chris Matthews sure he doesn't want to run in 2010?

Caroline Kennedy on track to inherit birthright

Good news everyone, Caroline Kennedy is winning people over in her bid to be appointed as New York's Senator. Voters? Democrats? Grassroots supporters? The blogosphere? No, party hacks and Clinton toadies.

When Caroline Kennedy first let it be known that she was interested in being New York's junior Senator, she received a chilly reception from Hillary Clinton backers and some members of the progressive community. Now, it seems, the tide of popular opinion is turning towards the former first daughter and Barack Obama confidante.

Several prominent voices have lent their support to her political aspirations, including Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid. Meanwhile, Clinton herself has let it be known that her supporters should do nothing to impede Kennedy. Already, members of the Clinton rank-and-file are sounding that very tune.

Oh good, Harry Reid is for it. Though if Dick Cheney got up in his face about it, he'd probably support appointing Jeb Bush to the seat. But if total hacks like Lanny Davis are for it, it must be a brilliant idea.

I think our elected betters just misheard. We said "new blood" they heard "blue blood". There is something inherent in the Kennedy DNA that makes all of them electorally desirable. All well, I guess Caroline can just hold it down until one of the Cuomo's has to appoint Chelsea to a seat. Do Ed Koch or Chuck Schumer have any kids that are old enough yet? New York needs to take it's cue from PA, here we make our legacy name trust funders run for the seat. We'll probably only elect Chris Matthews by a small margin too.

Saturday News Hole -- 12.13.08

This post is mine! MINE!
Inexplicably, disgraced Illinois Governor Rod "Mr. Blagoo" Blagojevich (whose name I can finally spell without checking) refuses to step down despite being 76-page-fucked by a federal investigation finding he runs his office about as honorably as a Burmese junta. Instead of renouncing his office, Blagoo is hanging out with ministers and signing bills into law. His office even issued a standard signing statement after Blagoo put pen to paper, which I have to admit is a hilariously ballsy thing to do.

Roll it around, Pennsylvania
Many of our readers are PA natives and no shortage of you still live there. Thus, as Digby notes, you might have to consider voting Republican in 2010 if Arlen Specter's opponent ends up being Chris "Tweety" Matthews. Now, I'm not endorsing Specter and there are several issues -- US Attorney appointments, capital punishment, gun control -- where I think he's just plain wrong. But you've got time to get comfortable with the idea of voting for a semi-crook in order to keep out an idiot. I'm not saying, I'm just saying...

Get 'em while they're vulnerable
American Evangelical churces are harnessing the spirit of economic ruin to do the good Christian thing: fill the collection plate. Congregations across the country have begun tailoring sermons to address the theological meaning of the downturn. Also interesting: Jehova's Witnesses, after deciding a decade ago to only ring doorbells at night, have begun knocking on doors during the daylight hours because, survey says, unemployed people don't commute.

Yeah, but those Bubba blowjob jokes never get old
Ned Resnikoff at NYULocal posted an amusing dissection of Ann Coulter's speech at NYU earlier this week. Deriding Coulter as a harpy and a hack isn't the world's most difficult task, of course, but Resnikoff makes the argument that, by inviting her to speak, NYU College Republicans (all four of them), provided a "metaphor for what you see happening to the Republican Party on the national level: the moderate voices of reason are getting ignored or marginalized, while the true believers burrow further into the warm, velvety soft cocoon of their own assholes."

I dub thee "Hippie"
That batshit crazy prince of progressivism, David Sirota, is at it again. This time, the loony leftist actually has the nerve, The Nerve, to suggest that 2005 credit industry-written legislation might be partially responsible for the economic downturn. Next thing you know, he'll be claiming that the government's trillion-dollar intervention should have been subject to actual oversight or some crazy shit like that.