Broken News: Maine town finally included in Stephen King story

LINNEUS—Celebration rang out in the streets today, as the small town of Linneus, Maine learned that it’s decades-long literary exodus had come to an end. In a note posted on his website, author Stephen King announced he had decided to set a short story in Linneus, officially making it the final town in Maine to be featured in one of King’s tales.

“I am proud to announce that today, Linneus will be the last area of Maine to be menaced by my particular brand of contemporary horror fiction,” the writer announced via his website.

“I’m sure the 892 residents spread out over the town’s 45.8 square miles will scarcely believe what I have in store for their little hamlet. But I am certain they’ll enjoy my latest tale of Gothic terror scraped together from concepts I had long ago discarded as unworthy of the printed word, but have since revived in an effort to avoid my wife through writing. I’m sure the good people of Linneus will appreciate what a writing legend will be able to do with facts gleaned from their town’s meager Wikipedia page.”

Adding, “A 0.67% Hispanic population? You won’t believe how that fits in. The rest will be standard New England pastoral generic small town bullshit filler but, hey, at least you're on the map!”

Noting that he would name-check the town’s Hodgdon Mill Road and Red Roof Road, King noted that he hoped this level of detail would gain him somewhere in the neighborhood of 892 new readers. King took the time to remind people that in this economy, and given the putrid state of the publishing industry, “every extra person counts”, before lamenting that he had overused Bangor in earlier stories and was regretting that it wasn’t a reliable sales generator anymore.

The news was of great relief to many within Linneaus, who had long suffered the indignity and mockery of surrounding towns as being the only place in the state unworthy of being mentioned in yet another King story the author had set in Maine.

“I thought this day would never come,” a relieved Mayor John Swithen said. “After he set Duma Key in Florida of all places, I wondered if we’d ever get our shot.”

“I’ll tell you what,” Swithen shouted, beaming with pride. “I’ve taken shit at the Maine Mayor’s Conference for the last time! No longer am I going to have to sit around as other mayors leaf through King’s books, point to their town’s name and knowingly nod at each other. No more having to listen to ‘I can’t find Linneus in my book, is it in yours?’ comments. Next year, I’ll be able to slap down a book, point to my town and yell ‘There! It’s right fucking there!’”

Some are worried that King’s placement of the town within his pages will rob the small borough of its unique status and the requisite tourist dollars Linneus previously generated among King fans as the one place in the state that Mr. King had yet to hit on the giant dartboard of Maine he keeps in his office.

But city officials assured those who are wary that the municipality can function without the $150 dollars it raised last year from an eBay auction after one King fan left their iPod behind during a brief stopover on the way to Derry.

With the future publication of this story a certainty, focus now shifts to the nearby Juniper Knee Pond which, unless it also merits a mention in the as yet untitled story, will be the only remaining Maine landmark or structure yet to be immortalized in King’s work. But those who live nearby are hopeful that the author can find it in his heart to grace the small body of water with at least one supernaturally dismembered corpse or perhaps even a psychic struggle between a shy boy and an ancient evil.

In any event, King is glad to finally complete his longstanding goal of cataloging the entirety of the Pine Tree State through offhand references in his horror novels.

As for what’s next, King isn’t sure, but he noted that he is curious to see “what kind of flavor the state of New Hampshire brings to his stories.”

What the hell is happening?

I don't want to alarm you, but the natural order of things has been uprooted. In a realization that people like Ben Nelson and Joe Lieberman are rotten fuckers who should be left on a hill to be tormented by vultures, Harry Reid has been negotiating with the last two moderately sane Republicans, the ones from Maine, in order to get them on board for health care. I know you just grimaced right now, thinking about what further concessions will be made. But that's where it gets weird. Not only is Susan Collins offering up proposed changes to the bill in order to get her support, most of the changes....make the bill better. You're fucking with the natural order of things, Collins!

Collins met Monday with White House health reform director Nancy-Ann DeParle and Health and Human Services health reform director Jeanne Lambrew. The senator said she put several amendment requests on the table: raising the penalty on hospitals with high rates of hospital-acquired infections, changing the small business tax credit to prevent it from discouraging hiring and increasing wages and boosting the affordability of insurance.

My God, all of these things are largely good ideas on the merits that would expand the reach of reform. Does she not understand how "getting support" works? It's by making the bill worse. Hello? Plus, both Collins and Snowe are quite the pro-choice advocates and Ben Nelson's recent pledge to out-Stupak the House bill might further bring them aboard in a bid to, you know, protect things they actually believe in.

My world is spinning and I feel dizzy. I have to go sit down. It's just....using swing vote power to improve health care access for Americans and protect women's rights? In the Senate? I think the sun is going to explode any second now.

Get fucked, Maine

The Daily Show response to Maine's rejection of the radical social agenda allowing same-sex couples to be happy. Choice quote: "If we can't slander gay people then all we have left are Blacks, Jews, Mexicans, Muslims, Greeks, Eskimos and... ... ... I'm gonna go with the Irish."

Quote of the day

Philip Spooner, World War II vet, on the gay marriage debate currently going on in Maine.

I am here today because of a conversation I had last June when I was voting. A woman at my polling place asked me, "Do you believe in equal, equality for gay and lesbian people?" I was pretty surprised to be asked a question like that. It made no sense to me. Finally I asked her, "What do you think our boys fought for at Omaha Beach?" I haven't seen much, so much blood and guts, so much suffering, much sacrifice. For what? For freedom and equality. These are the values that give America a great nation, one worth dying for.

The quest to repeal gay marriage rights in Maine through the Question 1 ballot initiative is going to be voted on soon. And surprise of surprises the opposition to it is from the same groups that got Prop 8 passed in California. Numbers overlord Nate Silver of 538.com says the ban is likely to fail, but that it'll be close either way. I guess the question is do people in Maine hate freedom, liberty, veterans, World War II, the D-Day assault, the military, our victory against the Axis powers, and equality so much that they would overturn the rights of gays to marry and tacitly endorse Hitler's invasion into Poland and annexation of the Sudetenland? I guess we'll find out on November 3rd.

The party of freedom and states' rights

We understand why Michael Steele needs to beat Limbaugh to the punch in offering halfwit soundbytes in reaction to Maine's legalization of gay marriage. When the majority of your dwindling base -- 80% according to a recent Washington Post-ABC News poll -- remains vehemently opposed to same-sex unions, you have to pat them on their tiny heads and reassure them that the moral majority will never waver.

To that end, I offer two points, both conveniently written and pre-packaged by, of all things, the Republican Party.

1) An explanation of party ideals from the Chairmen’s Preamble to the 2008 Republican Platform:

An optimistic patriotism, driven by a passion for freedom. Devotion to the inherent dignity and rights of every person.

2) An excerpt from the "Government Reform" portion of the platform, entitled Empowering the States, Improving Public Services:

The long term solution for many of Washington’s problems is structural. Congress must respect the limits imposed upon it by the Tenth Amendment: “The powers not delegated to the United States by the Constitution, nor prohibited by it to the States, are reserved to the States respectively, or to the people.”

Why did I ask you to read that? Because it makes this funny:

“Our party platform articulates our opposition to gay marriage and civil unions, positions shared by many Americans. I believe that marriage should be between one man and one woman and strongly disagree with Maine’s decision to legalize gay marriage.”

Personal freedom. Dignity of every person. States' rights. Unless you're a fag.

And the best part? This puts him in direct opposition to Olympia Snowe and Susan Collins, both moderate Republican senators who, not unlike Benedict Arlen, are tired of watching their party bus be driven by demagoguery. I wonder how many more senators Steele has to force to the other side of the aisle before his handlers bury his career right next to that of Rick Santorum.

It is just me, or was Token better off when he was begging forgiveness from Big Daddy Rush?

New England almost totally gay

Good news LGBT community: you will not have to move to Iowa after all. Bullet dodged. In fact, you can just now throw a dart at a map of New England and probably hit a state that will not only fully recognize you as citizens with equal rights, but will also give you access to cheap lobster and let you live in a small town that was featured in a short story Stephen King dashed off over a hectic, drunken weekend so he could pay his bar tab. Maine welcomes you and the gay marriage license fees you will undoubtedly be paying.

Maine Governor John Baldacci signed Wednesday into law a bill legalizing gay marriage in the state. The move makes Maine the fifth state to allow gay marriage.
...
"Article I in the Maine Constitution states that 'no person shall be deprived of life, liberty or property without due process of law, nor be denied the equal protection of the laws, nor be denied the enjoyment of that person's civil rights or be discriminated against.'"

"This new law does not force any religion to recognize a marriage that falls outside of its beliefs. It does not require the church to perform any ceremony with which it disagrees. Instead, it reaffirms the separation of Church and State," Governor Baldacci said.

"It guarantees that Maine citizens will be treated equally under Maine's civil marriage laws, and that is the responsibility of government.

That's right God, if you want to punish the transgressors, you're going to have to take most of the original 13 colonies.