Broken In Brief: Gossip journalist spends 2 hours each morning convincing herself her work is important

NEW YORK—In an altogether unsurprising revelation, gossip reporter Mary Haren, a “journalist” with Us Weekly, has revealed that most mornings it takes her nearly two hours of psychological motivation about the importance and necessity of her job before she can muster the self esteem required to even go to her office.

“Those are the days when I can even look at myself in the mirror,” she said, suppressing the urge to harm herself. “I just think, what’s the point? Do I exist only to create fake relationships between two celebrities who happened to be photographed together and force teenage starlets into bouts of depression garnished with eating disorders? Wouldn’t the world be a much better place if Us Weekly, People, Perez Hilton, Access Hollywood, OK!, The E! Channel, Star, the paparazzi, and about 70 other magazine staffs and TV shows were flown into space and then jettisoned out an airlock?”

“But then I think about how much I deserve to be famous and how that despite rave reviews from my parents for that high school play I was in, Hollywood still conspired to lock me out of the acting career I so richly deserved. Then I get angry and I’m able to do my job,” Haren finished, having sufficiently summoned the requisite self-delusion and bitter spite she needs to continue on with her shallow, insubstantial existence.

But Haren contends that despite a morning spent creating a news piece whereupon she derides female celebrities that are five pounds overweight by celebrity standards, but 40 pounds underweight my medical standards as ”fat”, that she still has a functioning human soul.

“I mean I have to agonize over it in the morning, right? That means I’m still recognizable as a member of the human race. At least that’s what I tell myself when I get home.”

Yes, this product actually exists

It's official, clearly advertised on the Eagles website, and no, you can't get it personalized to say "Vick 7" or "Mexico 7" on the back. Only humans are allowed to look that dumb. Sure they signed a reviled dog killer/subpar NFL QB, but don't they at least want to go the whole 9 and have complete ironic/kitschy fun with it?

It's unclear if the Eagles will release a team branded rape stand or fight pit mat.

Picture of the day

Cheap Blogging Crutch 08.20

Obama Calls Health Plan a ‘Moral Obligation’
Obama getting all biblical up in this bitch. He called those lying about his plan as "bearing false witness" as he made his pitch to religious leaders. But while he did stress that it was a moral obligation, he did say that how moral it was was up for debate and he was willing to negotiate on just how much of an obligation it should be. He then asked the leaders to pray with him, so that the Lord might smite his enemies. I hope it works out for him.

10 Reasons to Support Reform
I'm sorry to break up the little Harvest Festival of dick jokes and bitching we have going on here, but here's an actual link to actual information from Families USA. It explains what we need to get from reform, why certain changes are needed, and tells us what's being proposed to address those concerns. Sorry to do that to you, now back to killer robots!

Real-Life Decepticons: Robots Learn to Cheat
Scientists, for some God awful reason, decided to give robots functioning animal like brains. What is the first things these newly brained robots learned to do? Cheat and deceive over food. As if we needed one more reason to fear robots, we learn that even the simplest of their kind quickly evolve into a dishonest whirring of deceptive cogs and treacherous motors. At least know that when a robot is feasting on your flesh for its power, it will at least attempt to lie to surrounding robots about your deliciousness, saving you from a multiple robot gore orgy. This is all you have to look forward to in the future.

Comet Contains One of Life’s Precursors
Science has officially found that comets can contain the building blocks of life and thus can seed life onto planets during a collision. So for those of you counting at home, that now make a fourth plausible "how life began" story to join with "God did it", "evolution did it", and "Gil Gerard did it by using a time machine to travel back to the dawn of man to ejaculate into the primordial ooze".

Behind the Scenes at Harvard’s Museum of Natural History
Did you ever wish to view Vladimir Nabokov's collection of butterfly genitalia, but didn't have the time or connections to peruse through the Harvard Museum of Natural History's archives? Thankfully for you there's a book coming out on the subject and it has photos. Ostensibly it's a book about Harvard's role in the history of biology and filled with some of their most interesting specimens, but I dare you to come away thinking about anything other than "Vladimir Nabokov was kind of weird."

Shocking

Former Homeland Security Secretary Tom Ridge has just written a book he's out there hawking. In the rush to promote the book there are many shocking and stunning revelations that are coming out....that aren't really that stunning or shocking.

Among the headlines promoted by publisher Thomas Dunne Books: Ridge was never invited to sit in on National Security Council meetings; was “blindsided” by the FBI in morning Oval Office meetings because the agency withheld critical information from him; found his urgings to block Michael Brown from being named head of the emergency agency blamed for the Hurricane Katrina disaster ignored; and was pushed to raise the security alert on the eve of President Bush’s re-election, something he saw as politically motivated and worth resigning over.

Oh my, he was pushed to raise those security alerts as part of a politically motivated fear campaign? Thanks for pointing out the blindingly obvious. Nice that you're trying to claim some sort of integrity and spine in this revelation. I mean you "almost resigned" over the complete politicization of terror alerts. Hey, isn't using the threat of terror, real or imagined, to advance your goals...uhh terrorism?

Still you can learn this, plus what I'm sure are some hoary old chestnuts about freedom, vigilance, and the majesty of the bald eagle, in Ridge's new book The Test of Our Times: America Under Siege…and How We Can Be Safe Again. It turns out fake terror alerts are one of those ways to be safe and failing to say anything or do anything about it until a buck can be made counts as passing said test.

Health care pollings

There's a new NBC News Poll out on the health care debate. The conclusions? That if you lie to Americans loudly and for a long enough time, they will start to believe what you say no matter how wrong it is.

So to be clear: 45 percent think that Joe Biden is waiting in the bushes to murder grandma with a machete, 55 percent think them Mexicans is gonna steal our health care, 54 percent think the government is going to run the health care that those Mexicans steal, and 50 percent think that this plan will result in the resurrected Jesus getting aborted. In fact, none of these are true, although funding abortions, not rejecting anyone who comes in for care, and a single payer or government run system would largely be good ideas. Other bad news? Obama is creeping towards 50 percent disapproval on his health care performance, but Republicans are already over 60% disapproval, even though the public largely believes 3 out of their 4 biggest lies. Well done, Republicans. You deployed your arguments like true kamikazes, killing yourselves in the process.

In another unsurprising part of the poll it turns out that the people who are most uninformed about these four things are......Fox News viewers, of whom all four of the above distortions in the 70% belief range. The numbers are in the 30's and low 40's for CNN/MSNBC viewers. Those are some overwhelming numbers for Fox News, I really hope the health care industry is cutting them a check or something because that is some valuable toadying and lying. Excuse me, I mean fairing and balancing. So kids, what did we learn today? We learned that the truth fights like a coma patient and that TV news is actively destroying this country in so many different ways. But don't worry, we have the Democratic party and they'll plow though all this nonsense to make sure they pass something good because it's the right thing.......we're fucked aren't we? Right. See you in the breadlines after all our medical related bankruptcies. That is, if we all survive the Swine Flu.

Broken In Brief: Madden 2010 laughs at man trying to select Browns as team

CLEVELAND—Local man Doug Katsen, 26, unemployed, reported today that when he tried to select the Cleveland Browns as the team he would play in the "Franchise Mode" of Madden 2010, the game paused, audibly laughed at him, and then shut down the XBox 360 console on which he was playing.

“I tried to pick the Brownies and a little box pops up asking me if I had done that by accident or on purpose. Then another box popped up asking if I was doing this of my own free will,” Katsen said, the #17 Braylon Edwards jersey he was wearing visually punctuating this sad scene.

“Then it paused, as if it couldn’t understand what was happening, before chortling in a dismissive manner and shutting itself off. I paid $60 bucks for this game! You mean I can’t relish in the glory of a Brady Quinn to Mike Furrey pass? The splendor of D’Qwell Jackson tackling a runner after a nine yard gain? The corpulent majesty of a digital sideline Mangenius? I’m pissed!”

When asked to comment, representatives for EA Sports were shocked to hear of the revelation, noting that they had not expected anyone to actually select the Browns, Detroit Lions, Jacksonville Jaguars, or Cincinnati Bengals for any other reason than having lost a bet.

“The game is pretty advanced; I’m betting the AI just couldn’t comprehend what was going on and shut itself down to prevent the processor from exploding,” explained EA lead programmer Greg Ng. “In fact we don’t even let the “choose a random team” function select those teams for fear that the gamer might smash his machine. They're only in there because of legalese and licensing requirements. We never imagined these teams had fans.”

“But rest assured if that’s the team that Mr. Katsen wants to play, we will send him an edited copy that removes our finely tuned sensibility barriers. Even if it does violate US laws about mailing instruments of torture through the mail,” said Ng, visibly shuddering. “Christ, there are some sick freaks out there. Takes all kinds, I guess. Takes all kinds.”

Picture of the day

From the Big Picture blog comes a horrifying look into the soulless eyes of the metal automatons that will flay the flesh from the bones of our loved ones once the robots rise up and overthrow us.

Asimo hooks up another victim to the Brain Vat

You have no chance against this thing

Infiltrator

Honda's "Smiling Inquisitor". Can you withstand his potent cocktail of drugs and questions about human encampments after you've been captured?

the House Mangler, to be used to dismantle human settlements

The Flesh Cooker, a monstrous metal golem who will concoct his human pancake paste to feed to those who the robots have not deemed ready to "die for the glory of machines"

Nissan MK-2000 Child Subjugator w/ truncheon

Cheap Blogging Crutch 08.19

At Least 75 Killed in Series of Attacks in Baghdad
Yeah.....remember Iraq? Still not a great place to live. Unless you're a real big fan of loud explosions, wailing women, smoke plumes, and sirens, endless sirens. This happened largely as Iraq has regained control over most of it's security as the US is now engaged in the process of laughing nervously and slowly backing out of the country. It will end with the US declaring everything fixed, and then running, no...sprinting, back home before something can explode again. Then when Iraq descends into chaos we all get to sit back and pretend to wonder "What happened? When we left everything was fine." Thanks again, George!

A Conservative’s Road to Same-Sex Marriage Advocacy
Ted Olsen, he of the Bush side of Bush v. Gore, discusses why he hopes to eventually legalize same sex marriage through an eventual Supreme Court hearing on a case he's helped file over California's Prop 8 fiasco. And it's not because he lost a bet to a liberal friend of his. The story involves Rob Reiner, a lot of awkward silences at conservative judicial and legal conferences, and a man who decided to actually apply his libertarian principles in all cases.

Blue Food Dye Treats Spine Injury in Rats
It turns out that the same dye that makes your tongue blue and gives Gatorade's Cool Blue Raspberry that same neon blue sheen that's found in raspberry's, also prevents nerve tissue damage. Prevents nerve tissue damage....while turning you blue. Win-win. Yes, that was the sound of loud cursing you heard from Christopher Reeve's grave. Guess he should have spent less time advocating for stem cells and more time eating the blue portions of his Superman suit.

Poll: Whites, Southerners, Republicans, Few Others, Trust Fox News
That was today's "No shit, Sherlock" poll of the day. It seems that basing your news strategy around stoking the fears and prejudices of white Southern Republicans makes you really popular among white Southern Republicans.

Actor's U.S. Airport Screen Roils India
Apparently India doesn't like the fact that we racially profiled and detained one of their more famous Muslim actors while he was on a trip to our country. What was he here to do? Promote a movie he made about America racially profiling Muslims after 9/11. C'mon customs, if you want to give a guy some real method acting experience you have to pull this kind of stuff before he films the movie.

Walmart, CVS, Best Buy, GMAC Among 8 Major Companies To Pull Ads From Glenn Beck Show
What? Large corporations don't like to see their brands tainted with the stink of Glenn Beck's weepy, aardvark humping insanity? This makes 20 companies that have pulled their ads from Beck's show. Wal-Mart is one of those companies. Let's see, Wal-Mart, OK with being associated with the cheap product making sweatshops of the world's largest communist country, not OK with being associated with this guy.

His ideas are intriguing to me and I wish to subscribe to his newsletter

The Representative from Massachusetts 4th District, chairman of the House Financial Services Committee Barney Frank, reminding everyone that not only do you spell his middle name M-O-T-H-E-R-F-U-C-K-I-N', but that he goes through a 20 gallon drum of brass polish every month. Too bad he wasn't at the town hall with the "Heil Hitler" woman. I think he might have come down into the audience throwin' 'bows.

My God.....have they finally learned?

I'm about to blow your mind here, so sit down. On the first time in decades on an issue of any importance, it seems that Democrats are finally tired of playing the eager Charlie Brown to the GOP's football holding Lucy, and are willing to go it alone on an issue. As squadrons of pigs take to the skies, Democrats may have decided they're moving towards using their own numbers and ideas to pass a health care bill. To go it alone.

Given hardening Republican opposition to Congressional health care proposals, Democrats now say they see little chance of the minority’s cooperation in approving any overhaul, and are increasingly focused on drawing support for a final plan from within their own ranks.

Top Democrats said Tuesday that their go-it-alone view was being shaped by what they saw as Republicans’ purposely strident tone against health care legislation during this month’s Congressional recess, as well as remarks by leading Republicans that current proposals were flawed beyond repair.

Rahm Emanuel, the White House chief of staff, said the heated opposition was evidence that Republicans had made a political calculation to draw a line against any health care changes, the latest in a string of major administration proposals that Republicans have opposed.

Really Rahm? You're just coming to that conclusion now? I think anyone who reasonably pays attention to politics could have told you Republicans were going to oppose any and everything you came up with. But then again, we don't get paid hundreds of thousands of millions of dollars for our supposed political acumen.

But before we get too excited, let's just observe that all this does is set us up for a new kind of disappointment. Instead of the GOP killing a bill or making it worse, now we all get to contend with Ben Nelson, Evan Bayh, Kent Conrad, and House Blue Dogs making the bill worse or eventually killing it if they don't get to make it worse. SO instead of shrugging our shoulders and saying "well at least they tried, but the GOP killed it", we just get to rage at the Democratic party as a whole once again as we wonder why Rahm Emanuel didn't bayonet Blanche Lincoln to show Arlen Specter the White House means business on health care. Have we just traded one bad outcome for another bad outcome? Say, a flupocalypse for a nuclear apocalypse? Possibly. But at least Democrats are going to make the attempt. Maybe. They might recant all this tomorrow.

EDIT: Like clockwork...

Broken News: Emanuel now placing Krugerrands in White House Swear Jar

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Pictures of the day

The best in crazy and sarcastic protest signs from granitepic's photos of New Hampshire health care protests. The cute kids almost make me believe the government is gonna kill grandma.

Quote of the day

Don't take my word for it that going with a co-op plan over a public insurance option isn't really going to do anything to stem costs, I'm just a blogger/international demolitions expert. Maybe you should take the word of a guy like North Dakota Senator Kent Conrad. Who's he? Only the guy who designed the co-op plan:

ROBERTS: What would they do to reduce costs? Because that is one of the central issues of health care reform.

CONRAD: Well, the important thing is they’d provide more competition. … Beyond that, I think it’s very important not to over-promise here. [...]

ROBERTS: So nothing really in driving down the costs of service then?

CONRAD: Uhhh, no.

Well then, it's no wonder it seemingly pushed a public plan out of the picture. I mean it's not like dealing with health care costs was an important thing.

Maybe they should start talking about this more

After the last few days of the White House's continued statements that sure, they'd love a public option, but they'll jettison it in a second if push ever comes to shove, and the chief Republican negotiator in the Senate (a man dubbed both serious about health care reform and a great negotiating partner) alternating his time between claiming death panels are real and stating that he won't even commit to supporting a bill he agrees with, some Democrats have decided that maybe it's time they actually stood up and spoke out on something they believe. After no one stepped forward to do so, Nancy Pelosi was elbowed in the ribs and shoved in front of a microphone, but not before she could grab Russ Feingold and a Rockefeller and drag them out there with her.

In the Senate, where negotiations are now focused, John D. Rockefeller IV (W.Va.) said that a public option, as the plan has become known, is "a must." Sen. Russell Feingold (Wis.) said that "without a public option, I don't see how we will bring real change to a system that has made good health care a privilege for those who can afford it."

House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (Calif.) said that the plan will be included in whatever bill is voted on in the House. "There is strong support in the House for a public option," she said, though she did not demand that the administration express support for the idea.

One Democrat predicted that without the provision, the bill could lose as many as 100 votes in the chamber.

Oh poor, poor Feingold and Rockefeller. Don't you know that as a Senate Democrats who believes in a public option, you are effectively un-important to the debate? I mean it was decided by Max Baucus that instead of working with an actual Democratic majority, he would cede almost full negotiating power to Chuck Grassley and the most conservative members of the Finance Committee. Progressive Democrats aren't allowed to have a say.

But hey, thanks for at least speaking up on the issue. You will be ignored by everyone who matters, but thanks. But stop with the predictions of 100 defections if there's no public option, because we all know how this story ends. A weak, do little, co-op plan is pushed out of the Finance Committee and passed by the Senate, then all the House members who thought about standing on principle and voting against the thing are then guilted into voting for the thing on the basis of Paul Begala's "shit sandwich" principle: that the co-op plan is doing something for health care and doing something is better than nothing. Don't go trying to get our hopes up that for once the Democrats will be led by the larger Progressive caucus, instead of getting yanked around by the smaller Blue Dog caucus. Our health can't take it, and it doesn't look like effective health reform is on the horizon.

You win again, reality

You know, I had a nice little idea for a Broken in Brief piece. It was called "Man brandishing assault rifle at Presidential speech not sure why everyone thinks he's a lunatic". But then stupid reality has to cut in front of me at the buffet line and walk away with all the stuff I wanted to feast on.

One sight was perhaps a little unnerving to those in charge of making sure everybody remains on their best behavior.

A man, who decided not to give his name, was walking around the pro-health care reform rally at Third and Washington streets, with a pistol on his hip and an AR-15 (a semi-automatic assault weapon) on a strap over his shoulder.

"Because I can do it," he said when asked why he was armed. "In Arizona, I still have some freedoms."

Two police officers were staying very close to the man.

Yes, because the most 'extra free with special freedom eagle sauce on top' way to express your freedom and your anger over the prospect that you might get health care coverage or cheaper health care coverage is......to walk around carrying a rifle at a Presidential speech. But it's not like he was alone, there were a dozen people at this particular speech carrying firearms. There's no possibility that this will ever turn bad. I mean what could possibly go wrong when a bunch of people who believe the President is an illegal Kenyan interloper trying to kill their loved ones with government controlled health care, who are also carrying around guns openly in an attempt to intimidate everyone around them with a differing opinion, get involved with heated political protests outside a Presidential speech?

It is surprising that one side is bringing ideas about how we can get better health care and the other side is bringing conspiracy theories and tactical assault weaponry. But then again "it's not surprising then they get bitter, they cling to guns or religion or antipathy toward people who aren't like them or anti-immigrant sentiment or anti-trade sentiment as a way to explain their frustrations." But hey, I'm not expecting a man who regards the possibility of cheap health care the final assault on his freedom to recognize that kind of prescient understanding on the part of Mombasa Barry. Where were these people when actual freedoms were being threatened?

Headline of the day

HMO stocks up on signs public health plan fading

Just in case you weren't completely certain that a health reform plan without a public option is a bad idea that generally fucks the American people, Wall Street just called to confirm it.

Broken In Brief: Twitter creator sorry that Twitter has given Ashton Kutcher additional fame

SAN FRANCISCO—Twitter creator Jack Dorsey publicly apologized today for the popular micro-blogging site's role in helping Ashton Kutcher retain his meager position on the outskirts of the public eye. The announcement, made in short 140 character bursts on Dorsey's personal Twitter feed, made it clear that he did not envision such a diabolical use of his invention when it was created.

“i would just like to aplgze 2 those who thought that punkd was the last they’d ever hear about kutcher,” Dorsey Tweeted through his personal account. “thought we were free and clr 1ce 70’s show canceled and movies bombd. was wrong. horrrbly wrong. 3,231,393 followers. no god. repeat: no god. had high hopes 4 this thing. now dashed on rocks of despair. @AplusK: stop, just stop. yr killing me.”

In a later press release, Twitter noted that it was sorry for promoting a “follower” battle between Kutcher and CNN, that it knows what it did was wrong, but that CNN shared most of the blame for devoting actual news time to the battle, getting caught up in the feelings of relevance it hadn’t felt in years, and treating the publicity stunt as though it were a news story of actual value.

“Again, we apologize, but we are not solely to blame, as at least 3 million people are complicit in this atrocity,” said the press release. “Can’t we all just forget about Kutcher and remember the good times Twitter has had? What about the Iranian thing? Wasn’t that great when we were being used as a news gathering and communication device for a revolution? What happened with that anyway? Please, our service can be used for so much more than the rampant promotion of a guy I'm not sure anybody even likes all that much. Seriously, think about it.”

Art of the day

The pop-culture themed work of Jim Hance. He also has some real art on there, but it's safely hidden away. If you've ever wondered just how many different ways Laurel and Hardy can be depicted as famous killers, Jedi, and zombies, Hance is attempting to find out. Also: Wedge.

Cheap Blogging Crutch 08.17

The Swiss Menace
Paul Krugman decides to use his op-ed column to do a "other than all of that Mrs. Lincoln, how was the play?" job on health care reform. According to him all that stands in the way of universal health care is the "greed of the medical-industrial complex, the lies of the right-wing propaganda machine, and the gullibility of voters who believe those lies." Is that all? Well, we ought to have those things cleared up around a week after the sun explodes. Still, this article does also try to explain the three models for health care reform, and how and why we've decided to Swissify our system instead of Frenching it up or letting a bunch of cockney soccer hooligans give it Glasgow kiss.

Mathematical Model for Surviving a Zombie Attack
Never say math and science never did anything for you. Sure math and science will be responsible for the robots killing and enslaving us all, but should God get angry and Hell get filled up, we now have a proper mathematical model to consult so that we may survive and quickly tamp down a zombie uprising. By their official science numbers, action will need to be taken quick as in a outbreak situation, it will only take three days for the undead to outnumber the living in a city of 500,000. All I know is that I always wear high collared shirts (also provides protection from vampires) and carry around an extra big screwdriver for zombie earhole stabbing. It's the only way to be truly safe.

Tom DeLay Contestant On "Dancing With The Stars" Season Nine
Yes, the man who most closely represents politics' version of John Lithgow's dance hating preacher in Footloose is slated to grind against some poor 19-year-old ballroom dancer for the supposed entertainment of millions. What with his legal fees and many court cases resulting from his complete lack of any moral or ethical center, he's is taking this gig so that he may literally dance for his dinner. I eagerly await his one man free form jazz interpretation backed by the sounds of "Take My Breath Away."

Huge Santa Barbara County wildfire caused by marijuana farm; suspects at large in forest
A wildfire that has to date burned 75,000 acres, was started by a cartel of Mexican potheads. While officials are as yet unsure of the reason this fire was started, they have narrowed it down to two options: 1) the stove being left on after one of them spaced while trying to heat up some mac and cheese 2) one of them saying something to the effect of "imagine how high we'll get it we light it all up" and a second person concurring. They have fled into the forest where one of them is convinced they can hide with Bigfoot or the ewoks.

Scientists Make Oxygen Out of Moon Rock
Good news for the prospect of moon bases. It turns out you can convert moon rock into oxygen, thus negating a need to rocket up oxygen tanks or plant shrubs on the moon. Sure, it involves essentially destroying the moon to make it habitable, but that's what we do to live here on earth, so why shouldn't the moon endure the same fate? Alright science, moon bases are go, now get on flying cars, jet packs, hover boards, lightsabers, and personal interstellar spacecraft. Preferably have them done before I'm too old to use them.

Thanks for the help

‘Public Option’ in Health Plan May Be Dropped

The White House, facing increasing skepticism over President Obama’s call for a public insurance plan to compete with the private sector, signaled Sunday that it was willing to compromise and would consider a proposal for a nonprofit health cooperative being developed in the Senate.

The “public option,” a new government insurance program akin to Medicare, has been a central component of Mr. Obama’s agenda for overhauling the health care system, but it has also emerged as a flashpoint for anger and opposition. Kathleen Sebelius, the health and human services secretary, said the public option was “not the essential element” for reform and raised the idea of the co-op during an interview on CNN.

Oh happy day. Yet another public statement from the Obama Administration that there was no issue that they were not willing to negotiate with themselves over. DHS Secretary Kathleen Sebelius re-iterated once again that hey, what's the fuss over this public option stuff? This was notable for it being the 100th time a Administration official had gone out of it's way to mention that a public option wasn't essential. It also was notable for being the 100th time that afterward, some administration spokesperson came out later and said "no but seriously, we would prefer a public option." Well what better way to make sure one is included and to put the requisite pressure on guys like Max Baucus, than to consistently state that you couldn't care less if a public option is included.

And the President was out there on the trail, reminding everyone as well that hey although he totally swears that he wants this public option thingy, it's just one sliver of the health care thingy dingy and in the end isn't really important if it actually exists or not. "One sliver." Sure a public option would be the means with which health care would be delivered, near universal coverage achieved, prices lowered, and pressure put on the insurance companies to reform, but yeah, when you step back and look at it, all of that is just a tiny little sliver of health care reform.

At least Howard Dean was out and about this weekend, trying to tell people why a public option is necessary to actually achieve some level of cost control and reform. It's just a shame that he has no official position within the Obama Administration or within the Democratic power structure. And that's a good thing too, because who would want a doctor, former Governor who provided universal coverage for children, and Presidential candidate who largely jump started the talk about health care reform in 2004 with his candidacy, advocating on behalf of this administration or trying to get something worked out in an official capacity? Who needs him? I'm sure this whole "reverse psychology"/"we'll get what we want by slagging the thing we claim to support" plan will totally succeed.

Who could have foreseen....

What's that old H.L. Mencken quote about no one having ever lost money or public office underestimating the taste on the great unwashed masses? Maybe someone needs to update it to include the phrase "or cable news ratings wars". Because in measures further proving God's death/extreme incapacitating inebriation, Fox News is on pace for it's best year ever. It seems lying to people, stoking racial fears, advocating various political deaths, playing up every paranoid conspiracy theory involving health care, and populating it's channel with hosts any decent society would have left on a sun baked mountainside to die of exposure, has become more of a ratings boon than telling everyone that Bush is doing a great job.

The network was already on pace for its best ratings year even before the health care debate sent viewership jumping during a traditionally slow month for news.
...
Fox's strong year hasn't come without controversy. Some critics worry about overheated rhetoric -- Beck has called Obama a racist and joked about poisoning House Speaker Nancy Pelosi -- and suggest Fox has helped lead, instead of just follow, the president's opponents.

Fox's viewership is up 11 percent over last year, according to Nielsen Media Research. CNN and MSNBC, which benefited from interest in the campaign last year, are down. O'Reilly, who already had cable news' most popular show, Beck and Sean Hannity lead the way.

The ratings expose as naive anyone who believed that the dawn of a Democratic government in Washington would hurt Fox.

Really, who thought that a black Democrat in the White House, Democrat control of Congress, and a liberal female Speaker from San Francisco was somehow not going to give Fox News enough material to cut loose and grab the imaginations of the Republican base? The only thing that's going to hurt Fox News is a giant, black, rectangle monolith appearing to tell us to advance as a society already/devolve into an shrieking ape society of hairy creatures that use animal bones as weapons. That, or the American news media at large trying to once again reclaim its stature as something other than a Cronkite/Murrow tandem grave spinning enterprise.

So congratulations Fox, I can only hope that all this success doesn't cause Glenn Beck's head to explode with delight or empower Sean Hannity to have a mental breakdown after he is ordered to imagine Nancy Pelosi engaging in some action so heinous that it shocks him into catatonic insanity. Yes....that would be...terrible.

Quote of the weekend

MP David Cameron, British Conservative leader, on health care and defending the UK's NHS from attacks by the American right:

In an email to Conservative Party workers, details which were published on his blog, Mr Cameron said millions of people, including his own family, were grateful for care they had received from the NHS.
...
"It is a reminder - as if one were needed - of how proud we in Britain are of the NHS.

Mr Cameron's intervention in the ongoing row in the United States, which has partially focused on the British health system, came after Gordon Brown joined a Twitter campaign to defend it.
...
Mr Cameron's intervention came after he rebuked Daniel Hannan, the Conservative MEP, for endorsing American criticisms of the NHS.

Mr Cameron said Mr Hannan was wrong in his criticism of the NHS. Andrew Lansley, the Conservative shadow health secretary, accused the MEP of presenting a “negative and partial” view of the NHS in his contribution to the US debate about health care.

A conservative...defending outright socialism? You know, I think I much prefer British conservatives to the US ones. In fact I think I might prefer British Tories to US Democrats. Anyone in the UK up for a trade? David Cameron and a crate of tea for Harry Reid, Max Baucus, a promise to watch the Premier League, and a pie to be named later. We promise not to throw the tea into any harbors, causeways, bays, rivers, lakes, or pools and you have to keep Reid and Baucus subdued and out of North America for a minimum of two years. Deal?

Death panels

I don't want to alarm anyone, but These Bastards has received video evidence from Glenn Beck himself on Obamacare's death panels, in which the elderly are killed to benefit society as a whole/for shits and giggles. These are the two proposals that the socialists in Congress have devised. The first is a more futuristic take, in which randomly selected participants are thrown into the air and killed in a sparking explosion in front of a chanting crowd and Michael York (or his requisite American equivalent) is tasked to hunt us down with laser guns should we run.

The second is the more classic "death panel" that has been discussed, in which we are allowed to commit a doctor assisted suicide in front of an HD display while pleasant music plays and Charlton Heston and Dick Van Patten grieve over our sacrifice. As yet undecided is if our bodies are then sent to a factory to be processed into a green food cube.

This is the future of health care. Pure laser exploding, Heston saddening socialism. We'll get to vote on the one we prefer in a referendum in December. Hope you're happy liberals.

Quote of the day

Hey, anybody hear anything about this Michael Vick thing? I heard he signed with the Eagles but I haven't been able to find any other mention of it on radio, TV, print, or the internet. I thought someone would cover it.

Oh, Pittsburgh sports afficionado Dave Dameshek of ESPN gave it a mention

Vick: "I paid my debt; I spent 2 years in prison." Would've been cute if he'd finished the thought with: "That's 14 years in dog years."

Would've been enough to win me over to his side.