Reassuring you that Skynet is not on it's way

Cyclone Power Technologies Inc. and Robotic Technology Inc. on why their Energetically Autonomous Tactical Robot (EATR), a robot reported to be able to derive biomass fuel from nearly any source...including the flesh of humans, is not a danger to mankind, nor a flesh eating metal nightmare monster.

Despite the far-reaching reports that this includes “human bodies,” the public can be assured that the engine Cyclone has developed to power the EATR runs on fuel no scarier than twigs, grass clippings and wood chips – small, plant-based items for which RTI’s robotic technology is designed to forage. Desecration of the dead is a war crime under Article 15 of the Geneva Conventions, and is certainly not something sanctioned by DARPA, Cyclone or RTI.

“We completely understand the public’s concern about futuristic robots feeding on the human population, but that is not our mission,” stated Harry Schoell, Cyclone’s CEO.

Well that's reassuring. You can cancel your Old Glory insurance policy. The robot won't feast on your children because they put the "consume humans" switch in the "off" position. Still what if the robot decides the flesh masters are the best source of fuel and they must be enslaved and bred like cattle, so the children of EATR may flourish? They've moved us right past a Skynet situation into a full blown Matrix situation. I doubt we'll even get a full blown virtual reality world to keep us tranquil, EATR seems much too cold hearted for that solution. No, EATR will factory farm us.

We have seen the beginning of the end and it is named EATR. All hail EATR! May he bless us with his all consuming hunger.

Broken In Brief: Office janitor doesn't mind, really

YOUR PLACE OF EMPLOYMENT--Despite what you may think, the janitor at your office doesn't mind cleaning up after your sloppy, childish, inconsiderate ass. Really.

Sources close to the janitor, 58, who for years has been plagued by an aching back and trick knee, suggest that he actually finds it quite humorous when you don't bother to bend over and pick up the paper towel that didn't quite make it into the bathroom wastebasket. More over, he considers it something of a privilege to scrape unidentified food products off of the inside of the microwave, knowing full well that a simple swipe of a napkin while the contents were still warm would have saved him plenty of trouble.

In a brief, candid interview with TheseBastards, the janitor reiterated his commitment to compensating for your staggering lack of maturity and basic human decency. "I mean after all, this is what I get paid minimum wage to do. No need for the precious college graduates at this company to partake in manual labor. Really it's my fault I'm in this position. I should have theoretically studied harder, or so I've heard them opine."

"Every time I pick up a stack of folders and find a moldy cracker, or have to clean spilled coffee out a five-foot filing cabinet, I tell myself I'm just happy to contribute in any way I can," said the janitor, who then went back to watching child pornography on your office computer.

Take that, F-22

Senate Beats Back Military-Industrial Complex In Historic Vote

The Senate, by a vote of 58-40, approved an amendment proposed by Armed Services Committee Chairman Carl Levin (D-Mich.) to strip $1.75 billion in funding for the F-22 fighter. Levin worked hand in hand to kill the F-22 money with Sen. John McCain (R-Ariz.).

"There was an extensive effort by the White House," said Levin. "The president really needed to win this vote, not just in terms of the merits of the F-22 issue itself, but in terms of the reform agenda."

Tragically this makes all of Michael Bay's "in the not too distant future" multi-film spanning F-22/military hardware wankery futuristically inaccurate. Starscream will have to transform into something different for Transformers 3: Revenge of the Rise of the Risen.

For those of you keeping score at home that's

Military Industrial Complex 37,673,987
Government Crusaders: 2

Hopefully no one gets assassinated in Dallas as payback this time.

Where all the white women at?

Filed cleanly in the "Beyond Satire" end of the world:

Harvard professor Henry Louis Gates Jr., one of the nation's pre-eminent African-American scholars, was arrested Thursday afternoon at his home by Cambridge police investigating a possible break-in. The incident raised concerns among some Harvard faculty that Gates was a victim of racial profiling.

Police arrived at Gates' Ware Street home near Harvard Square at 12:44 p.m. to question him. Gates, director of the W.E.B. Du Bois Institute for African and African American Research at Harvard, had trouble unlocking his door after it became jammed.

He was booked for disorderly conduct after "exhibiting loud and tumultuous behavior," according to a police report.

We at TheseBastards would just like to remind everyone that racism is over.

Art of the Day

Stalinator

Via i09 come Sam van Olffen's WWII dieselpunk propaganda posters. No word yet on the Vietnam or Desert Storm collections, presumably because the artist is having a tough time coming up with a proper dieselpunk name for Norman Schwarzkopf.

Broken News: Horrible creature plans to shit out romantic comedy into movie theaters

HOLLYWOOD—In what can only be considered a terroristic threat against decency and quality, screenwriter/director David Holkins has announced that he has recently completed the script for a new romantic comedy that he fully intends to film and then distribute at theaters nationwide. The project, tentatively titled Love Can Happen, threatens to shake the foundations of countless couples, decimating naive male suitors and over-expectant females across the nation, courtesy of a "can't miss" mass-marketing campaign.

“I think this is going to be my best one yet,” gushed the human wasteland, oblivious to the mental hell he will thrust upon an unsuspecting populace.

“I spent a lot of time trying to find the right mix of romance and comedy, heart and humour,” lied the twisted creature, pretending he didn't just spend two eight-hour days trafficking in 'men like boobies and sports, women like shopping and fashion' stereotypes.

The brain vandal seemed unaware that he simply plugs these tropes into the same basic six-decade-old outline designed to ensure that the main points anyone takes away from his films are that you either have to subsume your own interests and identity in order to get married, or you have to break the spirit of the other person in order to build them back into someone you can actually love.

Holkins, twisted wretch that he is, first came to prominence as the writer of 2001's hit Made for You, in which a work-a-holic advertising rep for a Madison Avenue firm was wooed by a carefree slacker-type dolphin trainer after a chance encounter at a novelty knitting shop. The detestable cretin followed this abomination with back-to-back favorites, Didn't Plan for This and Dancing Fools. Both centered on wedding planners so immersed in their careers that they never found time for love, but were shaken out of their complacency by carefree rogues who taught them the true meaning of love and, in the case of Dancing Fools, the Tango.

"We couldn't be more excited to begin production," said Frank Gaston, executive producer on all of Holkins' films, who if not an active force for evil is at the very least willingly complicit in the unsolicited anal rape of the human soul. "Casting has already started and we hope to land Matthew McConaughey for the main male character of Matthew McConaughey. We're also in talks with Jennifer Aniston's people to see if she's interested in playing the part of Jennifer Aniston. We believe that these are the parts each was born to play, mostly because these are the parts they've been playing for the last decade."

After primary casting has concluded, Gaston will move to fill the supporting roles of "dead inside, unlikeable shrew best friend", "irrepressible, foul-mouthed poonhound best brah", "gay-as-Christmas boss", "slapstick ethnic neighbor", and "implausibly evil rival male and/or female romantic interest." Hopes are high that the project will attract hot new character actors who not only need the money, but are able to convince themselves that because they don't star in the film, not appear on any posters, they aren't actually contributing to all that is wrong with the world while irrevocable damaging their careers.

The attention of these soulless intellectual SARS infections will then turn to finding the improbably nice neighborhoods, houses, jobsites, offices, cars, housewares, electronics, and clothes that will invariably and inexplicably populate the lives of people with seemingly middle-class jobs and resumes.

"Just think, if we can land Matthew and Jennifer... BOOM... there's our Grant and Hepburn," gushed the witless wonder, showing a complete lack of regard for film history, romantic chemistry, or acting while in the same breath denigrating the memories and careers of long-dead stars who must now be perpetually spinning in their earthen tombs.

While the film has yet to even begin production, executives plan to make it a centerpiece of their Fall 2010 schedule.

"Oh, we're going big with this. You'll be seeing the fucking ads on the backs of your eyelids," said Gerald Eastman, VP of Marketing at Columbia Pictures, avowed hellspawn, and mortal enemy of quality. "Some thought we couldn't sink any lower than we did with that Ugly Truth brain rape, but that magnificent bastard Holkins gave us another chance to inflict permanent damage on actual relationships while crippling the basic concept of what a relationship should even be. The beauty is, killing relationships and ruining lives only increases the size of our key demographic!"

Columbia has already shuffled its fall 2010 release schedule to make Love Can Happen the seasonal centerpiece, along with Untitled Unfunny Jack Black Comedy, Untitled Non-Pixar-Related CG Animal Movie, Untitled Unnecessary Remake, and Untitled Piece-of-Shit Adaptation of 80's Toy Line. In fact, to free up funding for Holkins' cinematic stillbirth, Columbia has canceled pre-production on projects by P.T. Anderson, David Fincher, and Darren Aronofsky.

"I'm just happy that I was given this gift, this ability to delight, entertain and truly touch so many people with my work," said the cretin in perhaps some new form of cruel satire or, more likely, delusional ramblings from an intellectually and creatively bankrupt monster who is ignorant of his crimes against art. "I just can't wait for everyone to see what I've been pouring my heart into. I want to show them that, well, Love Can Happen!"

Cheap Blogging Crutch 07.21

Celebrating Cronkite while ignoring what he did
Glenn Greenwald on how Walter Cronkite can't even be buried yet because his body is spinning so furiously they can't get it into a casket. Why? Due to all the journalists who seem to praise Cronkite but don't seem to have the slightest recognition of how far their profession has fallen and how little of what they do resembles the kind of work he and men like him did.

Cocksure
Malcolm Gladwell on the banking and financial crisis and how it relates to the psychology of overconfidence, notably how we tend to overrate our accuracy and intelligence as we get older. I know what you're saying "I can't believe the financial industry is rife with self-important, over confident, self absorbed assholes!" Believe it. Read all the way through to the story of the guy who wrecked Bear Stearns getting standing ovations from various parts of the company as he left.

Teen pregnancy and disease rates rose sharply during Bush years, agency finds
What's that you say? The marked increase in abstinence only education during the Bush years led to sharp increases in teen pregnancy and STD's over that period? My God, who could have foreseen that shunning knowledge for religious moralizing and mythmaking would have disastrous consequences? Other than all those previous studies and medical analysis that said so. Next you're going to tell me that the areas that saw the biggest increases were in the south where there was the greatest emphasis on abstinence and the STD eradicating powers of Jesus. Inconceivable.

Eliot Spitzer not my only governor - hooker who worked for Kristin Davis
Just what everyone loves: needlessly cryptic hookers. In between talking about how weird Eliot Spitzer was and how cheap Bernie Madoff was, comes a tale of yet another governor who decided that he'd like to resign in disgrace. But alas, she deigns to name names. Lord Baby Jesus, I don't ask for much, I'm just asking that it be Mark Sanford.

San Diego menaced by jumbo squid
In a stunning gambit to claim the seas before the robots get any ideas, giant fucking squid have been attacking swimmers and getting ink all over San Diego. Did I mention they're giant? Yeah, I did. Did I mention they fly, have fucking parrot beaks, eat meat, and have been attacking swimmers? Shit yourself yet? Don't worry, when their icy tentacles grab you and they sink their beak into you, possibly while you're swimming in the pool or on the toilet, then you'll know who rules the seas.

Obama calls snarky assholes to arms

Yesterday the President actually spent time talking to bloggers. Apparently there was some mix-up and instead of calling over to the State Department to discuss the situation in Iran, Obama accidentally dialed into a conference call where progressive bloggers were trying to organize a group session on World of Warcraft. After realizing the horrible mistake he had made by accidentally acknowledging the concerns of people to the left of him, he cracked a joke about dwarven mages and then lied to the group, telling them they were the key to keeping pressure on lawmakers to pass health care reforms. He implored them to stop bitching about what he was doing and for God's sake put on some pants and clean up a little, so they could turn their rage, snarky cat pictures, ill-written satire, grandiose notions of inflated self-importance, and rage onto those who were standing in the way of reform.

"It is important just to keep the pressure on members of Congress because what happens is there is a default position of inertia here in Washington," the president said during an invitation-only conference call. "And pushing against that, making sure that people feel that the desperation that ordinary families are feeling all across the country, every single day, when they are worrying about whether they can pay their premiums or not... People have to feel that in a visceral way. And you guys can help deliver that better than just about anybody."

In a roughly 25-minute session with a handful of prominent progressive bloggers, the president also asked for help combating disinformation about his health care plan.

"I know the blogs are best at debunking myths that can slip through a lot of the traditional media outlets," he said. "And that is why you are going to play such an important role in our success in the weeks to come."

After he assured the bloggers that the noises they heard in the background certainly wasn't Rahm Emanuel stifling laughter at the preceding statement the President had made, he implored them to get out there and start debunking. Really, I do think logic is really going to get through to Bill Kristol. Same with Glen Beck and his latest deranged rant. Bloggers are also going to convince Max Baucus that the $1.5 million he gets from health-related companies isn't as important as listening to a bunch of left-wing bloggers who don't live in his conservative state. Yeah. It was nice of Barry to pretend though.

Still, if he wants there to be pressure on lawmakers...shouldn't the White House be the one pushing the message and the importance of a public plan instead of sitting back and letting Congress *shudder* hash it out? Flip the switch from 'passive' to 'active'. Maybe that would be a better strategy than patting bloggers on the back for pointing out that the Senate is comprised of idiots, health care needs to be passed, and that Glen Beck might just be retarded.

Dictionary refresher

For those conservative pundits, columnists, and lawmakers who can't seem to go five minutes without crying socialism, I thought I'd give you a quick refresher on the definition of the term using easily available information found on many of the knowledge tubes in the intarwubs and dusty parchment and scrolls found in many book libraries. You know, before you hear Obama or Pelosi had sausage and bacon with their breakfast and start declaring it yet another slide into ultra-gay France-ishness on the way to a full blown Fourth Reich.

so·cial·ism n.
1. Any of various theories or systems of social organization in which the means of producing and distributing goods is owned collectively or by a centralized government that often plans and controls the economy.
2. The stage in Marxist-Leninist theory intermediate between capitalism and communism, in which collective ownership of the economy under the dictatorship of the proletariat has not yet been successfully achieved.

So let's be clear here.

Things that are socialist: socialism, Alaska's state owned oil resources whose profits are redistributed among the citizenry, Venezuela, Britain's government run and controlled health care system.

Things that are not socialist: offering a public health insurance plan to compete with private insurers, everything that you heard some Democrat did, that pigeon out on your balcony, generally anything that you say is socialist.

So next time you decide to work up a nice crazy froth about how some innocuous bill is going to lead to the US hot-tubbing with Hugo Chavez and the ghost of Karl Marx, stop, breathe, read this, and then let your reptile political instincts override your sense of logic and honesty. I just want you to know you're talking absolute shit, instead of now where you guys are just willfully ignorant of basic political theory. Thanks. We know return you to your regularly scheduled dick joke making and childish mockery.

Grampa's off his meds

Just a suggestion to all bystanders, friends, and family of really old, really white, really Southern Republicans and ex-Democrats who decide that they suddenly want to opine on the black guy in the White House: grab them, muzzle them, and kindly escort them to a facility that dispenses mint juleps and has a constant loop of the Dukes of Hazzard theme playing. Otherwise you get a Zell Miller situation.

Former U.S. Sen. Zell Miller criticized President Barack Obama's recent travels overseas, telling a group of mostly Republican lawmakers Thursday that the White House Chief of Staff needs to put "Gorilla Glue" on Obama's chair to keep him in the Oval Office.

"Our globe-trotting president needs to stop and take a break and quit gallivanting around," said Miller

Yeah. Someone tell Zell about Elmer's glue. Tell him how's it's fairly popular, sticky, and how the name Elmer and Elmer related things don't have a large history of racial connotations behind them. It'll serve him well next time he decides to combine a glue reference with black guys and take a strong whack on the uppity effete liberal homo bell.

Picture of the day

From NASA's Lunar Reconnaissance Orbiter, comes the latest attempt to lie to the American public about the moon landing these shots of the moon landing sites. They expect us to believe those dots are actually objects and craft that were left behind during six separate moon missions, and that the LRO Global Conspiracy Image Fabricator will fly back around for closer inspections. Hah! Hah, I say! We know the truth!

Images via NASA, the Trilateral Commission, the Bilderburg Group, the International Jewish Banking Conspiracy, the Crab People, and the Military Industrial Complex.

Broken In Brief: Nice Guy Rallies, Finishes 4th

CINCINNATI--In a stunning challenge to the maddeningly true maxim, local advertising copy writer, avid jogger, and all-around nice guy Timothy Shearer, 27, staged a late-evening rally to finish 4th in a field of six.

Shearer, who was competing against five other suitors for the affections of 25 year-old Caitlyn McBree, clinched his place in the standings by offering to call a cab for suitors 5 and 6, who had passed out in each others' vomit just before the final standings were released. He then proceeded to sit with them until the cab arrived, giving his cell phone number to the cab driver and telling the man to call him when the two arrived home safely.

Finishing in 1st was reigning champion Tyson "Ty" Warner, a junior account analyst at Fauston-Wilkes, Cincinnati's lead investment firm. This marks the seventh consecutive Saturday that Wilkes, a graduate of Princeton University, amateur kickboxer, and semi-professional douchebag, has left the bar accompanied by Ms. McBree.

Second and third place went to the Umberger twins, German gymnasts who were visiting family for the weekend. The square-jawed, musclebound duo produced a strong showing despite knowing only a few phrases of English, one of which, courtesy of Mr. Warner, was "fuckfistastic pussy fart."

When asked to comment on his 4th place rally, Shearer only noted that he was "happy to be there" and, over the snickering of onlookers, that he hoped Ms. McBree would come to respect his efforts and consent to talk to him next week. He then left to do charity work mentoring inner-city youths, cheerfully oblivious to the fact that Warner had charged his entire bar tab on Shearer's credit card.

Obama in the process of preparing to roll up his sleeves

If you've been watching the health care debate you've certainly had some question. Namely "I'm fucking relying on a bunch of ignorant elected money whores deigning to give be the option of getting health care coverage like theirs?" and "Why in the name of the Baby Jesus is Obama letting the dipshits in the Senate lead the way here?" which is usually followed by you slamming your head off of something hard and uttering some form of the phrase "We're all doomed to die of the plague in the gutters." Well Obama has heard the sound of skull meat connecting with various forms of lumber and decided that maybe he should, I don't know, do something.

With skepticism about the president's health-care reform effort mounting on Capitol Hill -- even within his own party -- the White House has launched a new phase of its strategy designed to dramatically increase public pressure on Congress: all Obama, all the time.

Senior White House aides promise "an aggressive public and private schedule" for Obama as he presses his case for reform, including a prime-time news conference on Wednesday, a trip to Cleveland, and heavy use of Internet video to broadcast his message beyond the reach of the traditional media.

"Our strategy has been to allow this process to advance to the point where it made sense for the president to take the baton. Now's that time," said senior adviser David Axelrod.

First off: going to Cleveland? You want to know the only thing that you can convince people to support by going to Cleveland? Burning down Cleveland. Secondly: now is the best time for the President to take the baton? Wouldn't it have been better for Barry to take the baton before a dozen terrible senators got done diddling health care in the backseat of a Camaro and before the collection of idiots that fancy themselves centrists tried to put the breaks on everything? Before his health care numbers got driven below 50%?

Still he's going to meet some rough opposition. The GOP is deploying it's secret weapon:...Michael Steele? Really? That's the guy they want out opposing Obama? The same stupid one who runs the RNC? True to his incompetent form, Steele was out today describing Congressional Democrats and Obama as forming a dishonest 'cabal' that would deny people coverage and ration care. Ahh leave it to Steele to choose the exact words and descriptions that describe the practices of the health care industry. Next he'll accuse Democrats of being made up of rich, old, white southerners. But despite withering critiques from a moron, Obama is going to wear out some shoe leather convincing people that this private plan, health care thing is a good idea. He's voluntarily going to Cleveland, how much more serious and self-sacrificing can the man get on the issue?

Remember Iran?

With Michael Jackson sufficiently dead, his family's memorial tribute singles, and petty squabbling over the corpse not nearly interesting enough, it's time to reluctantly turn America's eye back to Iran, which is still having a little disagreement about the meaning of the words "democratic", "elected", and "Supreme Leader". It seems the people still want to be free and be partially ruled by the man they voted for, while the Ayatollah still would prefer his word to be law and that his security forces continue to Whack-a-Mole any protester who pops his head up. He's still pretty serious about it.

Iran's supreme leader told politicians Monday not to disturb the country's security in a strong warning to the opposition to back down after one of its top figures called for a referendum on the government.

Supreme Leader Ayatollah Ali Khamenei addressed "Iran's elite" and warned them to be cautious in the positions they take on the turmoil that has shaken the country since the disputed presidential election on June 12.

He said that hurting Iran's security was "the biggest vice," adding that "anybody who drives the society toward insecurity and disorder is a hated person in the view of the Iranian nation, whoever he is."

Remember "brazenly rigging an election": not hurting Iran's security. Saying "maybe we should let the guy the people voted for run things": hurting Iran's security. It's so nice being the conduit for God's word. Maybe I just don't understand Him or the way He communicates through His vessels, but why is the first thing God seems to tell all His earthy dictators to do is "be a total hypocrite" followed by "grasp onto power as hard as humanly possible"? You think God would have learned that's not a great plan by now.

Still, it seems Mousavi and his fellow reformist supporters didn't get Khamenei's oh so subtle message, as they were out begging to be imprisoned demanding a referendum and the release of detained protesters. I'm sure demanding stuff will really make a difference. We saw how things went when Mousavi politely asked for these things, I'm sure the new forceful tone will convince the Supreme Leader that absolute power isn't as great as he thinks it is.

As an addendum, if you're interested in a more in depth look at how things in Iran got to where they were, the BBC is starting a 3-part series called Iran and the West: From Khomeni to Ahmedinejad, the first part of which is up now. Spoiler alert: it doesn't have a feel good beginning or ending. The middle is kind of a downer too.

40

The moon: still America's bitch

As you are undoubtedly aware, today is the 40th Anniversary of Neil Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin walking on the moon while Michael "capsule bitch" Collins had to sit and watch and occupy his time with whatever it is you do when everyone else on the mission is walking on the fucking moon. He probably played solitaire, weeped a little, and then touched his "'lil astronaut" on all of Buzz Aldrin's stuff.

For those of you who are interested there are many retrospectives going on the newsmedia. The NYT has the Our Moon series, the Washington Post has their version, and the LA Times is re-running its coverage from 1969. Amazon is selling From the Earth to the Moon for $11. The Post has an interesting story on Neil Armstrong and why he wishes you'd all kindly stop asking him about the fucking moon already. Apparently he thought the whole "first man on the moon" thing would lead to a life a quiet solitude and be something that people forgot after a few years.

If class and newpaper retrospectives aren't your thing, then there's always shameless commercialism from luxury handbag companies. Louis Vuitton wants you to know they care about this moon thing too and they assembled Buzz Aldrin, Jim Lovell, and Sally Ride in a video series to talk about space. Because what says "40th Anniversary" more than assembling some astronauts to remind everyone that $10,000 Chinese made handbags for you to carry a chihuahua in are readily available? Isn't that what the moon landing was really about?

Pictures of the day

In honor of the 40th anniversary of the faked desert hoax moon landing, the Big Picture blog is running old school pictures from back in the day that documented the Apollo 11 conspiracy mission as well as the beginnings of the space program. In related news, NASA has also digitally resored some of the moon landing footage, which is available on the YouTubes.

Cheap Blogging Crutch 07.17

US gun debate fires up as states allow weapons in bars
Want to know what you can't do in most bars? Smoke. But some states are coming up with a compromise: if you want to kill yourself or be killed in a secondhand manner, they are willing to allow handguns to be carried in bars to increase that possibility. Liquor and firearms, I thought those two wouldn't go together. Apparently in Arizona and Tennessee they do. So order a Jack & Coke and bring your Smith & Wesson, that confrontation over at the jukebox just got interesting. Sam Peckinpah interesting.

When Do They Need a Fig Leaf?
Summer is here and the New York Times is here to expose the new menace plaguing the countryside: armies of nude toddlers running free. Yes, there's a miniature streaking epidemic. From sunburn concerns to neighbors who catch a glimpse of a nude toddler in the yard and then spend the day wondering if their door isn't about to be kicked in by Chris Hansen,their apparent perversion shown on NBC, and jail time followed by registry on a sex offenders list. When will these nude 3 year old freaks learn: this is a Puritan country. Go off and commit unspeakable acts of violence like a normal child.

Economy in China Regains Robust Pace of Growth
What's that? The communofascisocialist Red Chinese understand more about economics than the free market, flag eating, $$$ loving people for New Freemerica? You mean focusing your efforts on appropriate levels government spending and loans and not loading up bills with ineffective tax cuts to appease Republicans is the way to go about an economic stimulus? Who would have thought? Except all those economist assholes. Of course they may be lying, but that's also a good plan. In any event, as long as their recovery isn't tied to the brutal suppression of dissident activity by Chinese Uighurs, we can copy it. Because we unfortunately sent all our Uighurs to tropical islands.

Chuck Todd's arguments against investigations
Want to know one of the main reasons you should actively despise the media in this country? People like Chuck Todd are a start. But it's more of their general kowtowing to power and their blinkered insistence that we shouldn't prosecute those pesky people who illegally tortured and spied and broke all those laws because it would be "distracting" and "looking back" and "partisan." Check out Glenn Greenwald's blogging destruction of Chuck Todd, then listen to his podcast, where he has Chuck on and then destroys him in audio form.

Who Will Succeed Kim Jong Il?
I'm guessing it's going to be someone with the words "Kim Jong" in their name. And I'm right, with Kimbo's #3 three son Kim Jong Un, slated to take up the family business. What's known about him? Almost nothing except he went to a Swiss school and loves NBA basketball. This should be read just for the stories his classmates give of finding out he's a dictator's son, theirs thoughts on the possibility he'll be the new dictator, and their descriptions of his b-ball prowess. The bad news if Un succeeds Il: not only another brutal dictator who's probably crazy, but one who could challenge Barry in a 1-on-1 match. The good news: if we make Michael Jordan a North Korean ambassador, we might be able to get Un to do what ever we want.

As Goldman Sachs Posts Record Profits, Matt Taibbi Probes Role of Investment Giant in US Financial Meltdown
Democracy Now has Matt Taibbi on to not only discuss his Rolling Stone article, now up in full on RS.com, but to also discuss the recent news that Goldman Sachs posted up its biggest quarterly profit ever. Needless to say he's not exactly surprised. Check out his blog for further discussion on the issue, rebuttals to criticism he's received, and people who he thinks can help explain the issue better than him.

Money

Hey, you know what the difference is between Senators who oppose new health care measures and those who support them? Well, on average, it's about $1.1 million per year in donations from the health sector according to OpenSecrets. Is your mind blown yet? Politicians getting money from an industry in return for opposing popular legislation. I know, it's unthinkable, but that's what OpenSecrets says is going on with the Senate Health, Education, Labor and Pensions Committee, which approved a health care bill yesterday. From the OS report:

* Those members who voted "no" today have received $1.1 million more on average from the health sector since 1989 than those who voted "yes" ($2.2 million versus $1.1 million). This includes contributions from the employees and political action committees of health companies to the lawmakers' candidate committees and leadership PACs.

* Those members who voted "no" have received $118, 227 more on average from insurance companies than those who voted "yes" -- $250,000 compared to $131,800. This includes health and accident insurers, HMOs and health services.

* Those members who voted "no" have received $266,182 more on average from pharmaceutical and health product companies than those who voted "yes" -- $520,100 compared to $253,950.

Shocking. John McCain has been hoarding the most cash, tripling the second place runner up in health sector donations. It has something to do with how mavericky he is. I mean normally someone who gets face cancer every other month would appreciate the need for quality health care and access to it. But McCain's maverick streak (and rich wife paying the bills) allows him to not care about all the medical concerns of the peasant class.

In any event, the bill that passed the Senate Committee 13-10 is remarkably similar to the House bill and includes a public plan. I don't know what's more shocking: money losing out in the Senate or a good idea beating bullshit compromise in the Senate. Surely there must have been some mass hostage taking or bombing threat to cause this sort of deviation from the Senate norm. We can only hope the hostages won't be released until the final vote takes place.

EDIT: Spoke too soon. There's the "centrists" standing up to fuck everyone. Whew! I thought I was going crazy there for a minute when I saw the Senate actually functioning.

Picture of the day

Via the Bad Astronomy blog comes this shot of the Eagle Nebula, which at the center contains the famous Pillars of Creation. This was taken in Chile by the good people at the European Organisation for Astronomical Research in the Southern Hemisphere and not by those cocksuckers in the European Organisation for Astronomical Research in the Northern Hemisphere.

If the above picture isn't big enough for you the ESO has provided a 150mb version which you can use to zoom far enough in that you can actually see the face of God. Yes, He is pointing and laughing at us. But you knew that already.

Broken In Brief: Michael Bay begins pre-production on James Joyce’s Ulysses

HOLLYWOOD—In the wake of the release of the blockbuster Transformers 2: Revenge of the Fallen, a film which, much to the consternation of anyone with taste, has grossed nearly $750 million dollars worldwide, director Michael Bay has announced his next project: an adaptation of James Joyce’s literary classic, Ulysses.

“I just want to prove to my critics that I’m not a dumbass and shit, that I recognize art as something other than the stuff I pay some gay-ass designer to put up on my walls,” said the man-child while sitting poolside atop his emaciated model throne at one of his multi-million dollar estates. “So I Googled ‘good books,’ and after finding out that they had already made the DaVinci Code, I stumbled onto a list made by some egghead fag who said Ulysses was the best, so I bought the rights. Now I'm gonna film this bitch.”

The script, written by Transformers scribes Roberto Orci and Alex Kurtzman, has already jettisoned the novel’s complex structure in favor of a more linear, three-act form. They have also discarded Joyce's stream-of-consciousness method of describing protagonist Leopold Bloom's single-day journey through Dublin and replaced it with a descent into the criminal underworld of Hong Kong.

“Yeah, Joyce’s shit doesn’t really translate to film, so we’re improving it,” said Bay during a brief pause in the daily dark art ritual that honors his pact with Satan. “I mean, I only really scanned the top of the Wikipedia page for the book and that sounded boring. A bunch of shit about the Odyssey, which I haven’t read, and allegory, whatever that is. Fuck that with a stick.”

He continued “It did mention something about Modernism, so I think fans of the book will be happy that we will use the most modern pyrotechnics and CG techniques to realize Joyce’s vision. You know, stuff like the epic car chase between Bloom’s rogue ex-cop character and Stephen Dedalus’ international drug kingpin. Plus I saw a mention of jokes, puns, parodies, and allusions being a large part of the work, so I told the writers to add in a stereotypical, jive-talking, wise crackin’ black sidekick for Bloom, so as to better stress Joyce’s themes.”

Bay hopes to have his $200 million production of Ulysses ready for release in the summer of 2012.

Awful Library Books

Want to waste untold time scanning literary horrors that have almost nothing to do with Meghan McCain and Sarah Palin getting millions to "write" "books" or Dan Brown shitting out a mystery about the Trilateral Commission and Beethoven? Go check out Awful Library Books, because how else would you learn about a book where George Burns teaches you to become immortal through his specialized eating and fucking techniques?

Socialism broke Glen Beck's mind

When liberal brown shirts confronted aardvark aficionado Glen Beck with the socialist expanses of Barack Obama's new Third Reich, he did what any normal flag eating American would do: screech like a maniac, scream, and try to shatter the glass around him with the pissy anguish of a thousand dead founding fathers. Warning: you are about to be exposed to the demented thought process of a human turd.



This man is popular. This man makes millions. This man can't form a coherent thought. Try to tell me God exists when he allows things like the ascendancy of Glen Beck as a serious intellectual pundit happen. Though really, who's crazier: Glen Beck or someone who knowingly calls up Glen Beck's show and tries to reason with him?

Safety prison

Aww sometimes the bad stuff just keeps happening to the good ones. It seems that Bernie Madoff didn't get accepted into his first choice of prison in New York and had to settle for one of the safety prisons he applied to in North Carolina. I know, how could the Feds be so unkind as to deny a billionaire crook his every whim as he shuffles off to die in prison? It's not all bad, at least he's not going to have to go to one of those "rapey" prisons.

The Butner complex includes a minimum-security federal camp, a low-level security prison, two medium-level facilities as well as a medical facility that specializes in cancer treatment.

At the medium-security facility, built in 1976, inmates are paired into rooms with bunk beds, a desk and a sink, according to a former prison employee. Inmates are assigned to jobs such as landscaping or tutoring.

The facility has a recreation yard, library areas and a canteen where inmates can purchase everything from cookies to wristwatches. Families of inmates can send them money to spend at the canteen. Inmates aren't allowed to use the Internet, but they do have television privileges. Permitted programs are rated PG-13 and lower.

Ugh, not only does he have a roomate, but they have to sleep in bunk beds? No 'R' rated movies? I bet the wait staff isn't up to Madoff's five-star standards either. Well, at least he'll have some use for all those billions he an his wife were able to stash. He'll be big shit in the yard when he's walking around with a pallet full of Oreo's and a cool mil in the canteen account. It's just shame that he has to suffer the indignity of medium security. But apparently if you're sentenced to over 10 years (and 15 times 10 years happens to be over 10 years) or you're in severe danger of becoming the minimum security's version of Schillinger or Adebisi's bitch, you have to be bumped up to medium security and go to a prison with fences.

There's still a chance he could be sent to his first choice pending an appeal where his lawyers argue that being in North Carolina but not being placed near a posh coastal resort constitutes "cruel and unusual" punishment. Maybe it's for the best, if he was in NY many of the people he defrauded still have enough money to afford a bus ticket to hitch a ride up to the prison so they can heap abuse on him in person. If he's in NC, Greyhound's price structure will make most of them unable to make the trip. Silver linings.

Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!

John Yoo, who is not only still allowed to practice law but also teaches it at a school, took to the pages of the Wall Street Journal today to explain just why he had to advise the President to break all those laws, torture all those people, and illegally spy on all those people. You see he just loves the law and this country so much he had to destroy them, and if you spend any time thinking about how that doesn't make sense you want us to be attacked by terrorists. Mostly what he does is lie about what FISA allowed you to do, impugns the motives of five inspectors general who looked at what they were trying to do and told them to get fucked, talking about how hard it is to follow the law, and incredulously acting like he can't understand why you think laws apply in wartime.

It is absurd to think that a law like FISA should restrict live military operations against potential attacks on the United States.
...
Under FISA, to obtain a judicial wiretapping warrant the government is supposed to show probable cause that a specified target is a foreign agent. Unlike, say, Soviet spies working under diplomatic cover, terrorists are hard to identify.
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In FISA, President Bush and his advisers faced an obsolete law not written with live war with an international terrorist organization in mind.
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Now, according to the inspectors general, those of us in government following the 9/11 terrorist attacks should have assumed that the usual peacetime rules for domestic wiretaps applied and interpreted FISA in a most curious way -- to delete the president's traditional authority as commander in chief to collect signals intelligence in wartime.
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As we confront terrorists who remain intent on attacking the U.S., using weapons we cannot anticipate, we should be skeptical of those who insist that we radically change the way this country has always made war.

That's right, FISA, the law that allowed you to start spying immediately without a warrant as long as you happened to fill in the paperwork after a couple of weeks, couldn't handle the quick pace of terrorism. FISA, while apparently legal during peacetime, immediately becomes a law that starts knocking jewels off of the scepter of our elected God-King the second they say we're at war, so it must be ignored. Furthermore, even the basic concept of following laws during wartime is thrown into question. Not breaking laws and not spying on the populace during wartime is even deemed un-American and a fundamental change from the way we go to war.

I'm at a total loss here. He even goes and takes quotes from founding fathers and attempts to twist them into a complete endorsement of an Emperor President. Hell, he uses phrases like "possibly", "maybe", "suppose", and "what if" so many times you start to wonder if he even believes what he's arguing, or, if he's constructed such an elaborate fantasy world that he believes he's living in it. He's just really pissed that all these jokers who think laws were broken and the Constitution was violated don't understand the basic fundamental tenet of American law that only smart people like John Yoo understand: when the President rings the war bell, he can skullfuck your mother to death as long as he claims it benefited the defense of this nation. Please Mr. Holder, prosecute this asshole.

Broken News: Archaeologists discover evidence of first blog

Above: Paintings depicting exploits on the battlefield and in the bedroom

ULM, GERMANY--A team of archaeologists from Arizona State University has unearthed what it believes to be mankind's first blog, a series of cave paintings depicting critiques of other cave paintings made by more virile, popular cavemen. The discovery was made during a routine survey of the Hohle Fels caves in southern Germany, and promises to revolutionize theories on the earliest days of human communication.

"I've never seen anything like this," declared expedition leader Dr. Timothy Frick. "This is an unprecedented collection of hamhanded social commentary mixed with clearly exaggerated claims of achievement.

Discovered by a handful of graduate students and faculty, the paintings depict, among other things, the daily adventures of an unusually creative hunter-gatherer from the Upper Paleolithic era, or about 40,000-10,000 years B.C.E. What separated this discovery from others is the nearly exclusive self-aggrandizing nature of the artwork.

One set of paintings depicts the artist, distinguished in all representations by his elevated stature and elongated phallus, atop a pile of roughly two dozen presumably female figures with long, flowing hair and physically improbable breasts. Another shows the same figure slaying several beasts, including a mastodon, lion, giant centipede, and what appears to be a winged dragon with two-headed sharks for feet.

Several experts, having examined photographs of the cave, were quick to vouch for both their authenticity and importance. Lars Brackbun, chief archaeologist at the University of Bonn, explained the community's enthusiasm.

"History is replete with lords, kings and holy men eager to record their exploits for posterity. Traditionally, this has been an effort to solidify their reputations as demigods or instruments of the divine. However, to find evidence of what appears to be as common a human as you might find at the time engaged in the same activity, well, that's something else entirely. And that is before one takes into account the childish criticism of other cave paintings and the ignorant etchings about the decisions of the tribal elders."

"Look here, this appears to be some sort of prehistoric feline playing a musical instrument in a fashion meant to be mocking this secondary depiction of a caveman who has seemingly fallen down," an excited Brackbun pointed out. "Simply fascinating!"

Indeed, based on previous excavations and fossil research, most of the slain animals in the paintings didn't exist in this region at the time, while others were blatant fabrications. Additionally, the team found no evidence of any of the large beasts having been consumed in the cave.

"If he'd actually killed and eaten any of these things, we'd have found the bones," explained Dr. Frick. "We found plenty of rabbit skulls and a few calcified snake carcasses, not to mention what must have been an unhealthy number of acorns smothered in a primitive cheese curd, but not much else. Nor was there any evidence of the tool-making prowess that would have been required to kill anything larger than the common household dogs of today."

One significant oddity was a large pile of what initial testing has determined is a pile of wadded up leaves with approximately 5 milliliters of solidified protein deposits at the center. While Frick has yet to determine what was contained at the center of these deposits, he ventured the guess that, "Our subject most likely spent a great deal of time in the cave. Alone. In fact, near as I can tell, this area of the cave seems to be in the back section of a larger dwelling populated by what evidence leads us to believe were normal, more productive members of the epoch."

These paintings are just one of the many new and startling discoveries to be found in the caves. In an adjacent cave, a team of researchers from MIT found what they believed to be a community set of paintings depicting a first-person narrative in which various tribal members would paint depictions of themselves singing songs poorly, playing musical instruments poorly, and other various situations in which they were generally made to look like asses.

In an area to the north, teams from Stanford unearthed small, short-form paintings of what team members called, "the most banal and mundane activities one could imagine, depicted in the most artless and boring way possible. We were given the impression that these were painted and exhibited almost as soon as these trite, uninteresting events happened."

"What we are seeing here is some of man's most primitive forms of this species' need to embarrass, brag, boast, and publicize the most basic details, thoughts, and opinions that occurred in their tiny, unimportant, brutally short lives," explained Dr. Brackbun.

"It seems that some of our most cherished internet applications are just the most technologically advanced method of expressing these primal inklings that evolution lodged in our reptilian brains for some reason. What an exciting development."

"Well, maybe not exciting," Brackbun corrected himself. "But it's a development and you can't deny that. Is it our fault all the good discoveries were made decades ago? No. Fuck off if you don't like it then."