Khamenei to Iran: "No please, overthrow me too."

Some of the more positive movements within the Guardian Council, from clerics offering support to questioning the election to even the somewhat dubious offer to officially look into vote rigging claims, seemed to take a step back when ex-ZZ Top bassist and Iranian Supreme Leader Ali Khamenei decided that if the government gets toppled, he'd like to be under it when it falls.

Iran's supreme leader, Ayatollah Ali Khamenei, issued a stern warning to opponents today to stay off the streets as he denied claims that last week's elections had been rigged.

In an uncompromising address at Friday prayers, Khamenei claimed that the high turnout at the elections showed how much the Iranian people supported the regime, and blamed western powers for interfering in Iranian politics, singling out the UK as the "most treacherous".

In a thinly veiled warning to the reformist presidential challenger, Mir Hossein Mousavi, Khamenei said opposition leaders would be held responsible if they did not call for an end to the protests that have rocked Iran since last Friday's disputed election.

"Street challenge is not acceptable," he said. "This is challenging democracy after the elections."

Ouch. What kind of world do we live in when the Supreme Leader of Iran isn't singling the United States out as the "most treacherous" for meddling in Iranian affairs. That used to be our thing! The 1953 coup was our Sgt. Pepper. People listening live to the speech even chanted "Death to the UK!" What about us, Ali? What about the Jews? Don't either of us get any credit? I thought this was all about us! *sniff* I guess there's a new western Great Satan.

The big news out of the speech, other than Ali officially getting out the sensual oils and lube for Ahmadinejad, dismissing even the notion that vote rigging occurred, and fully supporting the election results, was that the government would do longer behanding out permits for protests and looked to have given police "the green light to security forces to violently handle protesters." I was under the impression that's what the security forces were already doing. They weren't?

I'm sure this will end well for you Ali and you will in no way regret rigging the election or loudly supporting it. Bitter old despots always win when pitted against millions of motivated and oppressed people. Enjoy your post-revolution public square meathooking.

Picture of the day

Because sometimes I get tired of walking around inside a giant, waterlogged advertisement.

Cheap Blogging Crutch 06.18

North Korea May Fire A Missile Toward Hawaii
Everyone's favorite diminutive waterslide enthusiast, Kim Jong-Il, is considering a move so childish you expect it to be delivered with a bonnet and pacifier. He wants to launch a Taepodong missile in the direction of Hawaii, but not at Hawaii, on the 4th of July. For no real reason. Kimmy, just shit in a box and send it to a Senator, it's slightly more mature.

An Insider Turned Agitator Is the Face of Iran’s Opposition
In case you wanted to know who the man leading the Iranian election protests is, the New York Times decided to do a profile on him. Last week Mir Hossein Mousavi was a more moderate version of Ahmadinejad, now he makes Gandhi look like a pederast. Chart the transformation from larva to pupae to green butterfly.

Stealing the Election All Over Again
In case you lost your mind and decided to take those Guardian Council proclamations of a "partial recount" seriously, it turns out they are a sham. I know, shocking. I will note that I think this is the first time in history that an initial count and a recount involved no actual counting. They just can't stop making history over there.

PETA wishes Obama hadn't swatted that fly
Reason 167,842 why PETA is annoying and makes me want to self harm. Obama swatted a fly on camera and in response PETA sent out a press release condemning it, did an interview condemning it, and sent a Katcha Bug Humane Bug Catcher to the WHite House so it could treat bugs humanely. Because the president killed a fly. A fly. Not a polar bear, not a kitten, not a tiger cub, not a dodo that popped out from a mouse hole in the White House wainscoting, a fly. Because flies are in such short supply. If you'll excuse me I am now going to step on ants extra hard, replete with an ankle twist and mocking laugh.

How online racist jokes hurt S.C. GOP
Seems like the South Carolina GOP is learning the hard way that completely racist cracks about the President that are disseminated publicly over the internet are damaging to their electoral prospects. I'm surprised it took them so long to figure it out. All it would have taken for me to understand is a glimpse of a calendar that pointed out the year as 2009, not 1952, and how posting something up on the intarwubs would make it viewable to more eyes than say, a snide comment to a colleague in a cloakroom. Perhaps someone would be so kind as to explain that to the rest of the caucus, perhaps by writing it on something heavy and hitting them with it.

Broken News: US dominates world in outrage manufacturing capacity

WASHINGTON—While virtually all economic indicators continue to trend downward and forecasts for the world economy remain pessimistic about the length and breadth of a global recession, currency exchange rates, and imports/exports, stock markets were buoyed today by a new report from the Bureau of Economic Analysis. The report indicated that, despite US industrial manufacturing declining for the 5th straight quarter, the United States' outrage manufacturing capacity had risen for the 2nd quarter in a row by an astonishing 19.4%.

The growth was led largely by gains within the Interminable Whining About Bullshit, Half-Baked Conspiracy Theories, Fear of Foreign Devils, Mexicans Gonna Take Our Jobs, and Unsubstantiated Fears About Political Theories One Doesn’t Understand sectors. These recent gains, along with improvements made in the 4th quarter of 2008, allowed the United States to push past a declining France on the International Outrage Index.

“This truly shows the breadth and depth of the ingenuity of the American people,” observed lead statistician for the BEA, Adam Samuelsson. “Where other countries simply take our outrage and modify or improve upon it, we alone truly know how to innovate, create, and lead the world in manufacturing phony indignation over perceived slights and unsubstantiated persecution. Eat it, France! The US is back on top baby!”

Initial forecasts from the end of 2008 had been predicting a decline in US outrage for the 2009 fiscal year, mostly attributable to the fact that former president George W. Bush would be leaving office in mid January. This very event is believed to have caused the drastic decline in French enmity production towards the United States, long considered to be their strongest asset.

“I don’t think these analysts fully took into account the ability of the right wing sectors of this country to manufacture deluded hatred towards President Obama,” observed Dr. Harold Gerund, a statistician for the Princeton School of Mathematics. “These heroic Americans were able to step into a void of indignation and anger and furiously invent new shit to get livid about, basically within days of the inauguration. Add to that the inability of the left wing to get past their loathing of the departing Bush Administration despite the fact that the Democrats now control the White House and Congress. Luckily for the Outrage Index, there were still horrible new secrets and a crippling economic meltdown to fuel continued Bush hatred. Truly this country has been blessed with its utter inability to confront the world in an adult manner.”

Indeed the new Obama Administration has been able to simultaneously kick right wing industrial-strength outrage manufacturing into overdrive after a period of dormant inactivity while tamping down rival foreign outrage that would normally be directed at America.

In fact some countries are even coming to like America and its new President, a fact that has even further infuriated right wing outrage already brimming over with crippling paranoia from baseless fears of socialism, Obama’s Muslim heritage and/or birth certificate, UK-style health care, the liberal media, liberal fascism, terrorist appeasement, gay marriage, and Democratic Senators swooping into their cornfields and eating their sorghum.

“That’s the beauty of America,” said Samuelsson. “Not only are we able to get crazy mad about things we misheard or imagined, but we’re also able to crank up different sectors of our outrage capacity depending on whether foreign governments like us too much or too little. A diversified economy is a healthy economy.”

While some are quick to applaud the positive trends and our rediscovered dominance in developing and formulating ire, others are quick to point out that if the Middle East were to ever modernize its outrage manufacturing, we would not be able to keep up.

“God help us if they ever move their anger out of the Stone Age,” observed Samuel Grasscock of the Center for the Study of Pissed-off Arabs. “Imagine if they ever move their hatreds beyond a general hatred of the West and perceived persecution of their culture and religion? Imagine if they ever decided to get meta, like by getting outraged over the fact the we treat their outrage as some general, formless hatred of the West and freedom. Then we’d really be in for a manufacturing outrage gap.”

He then paused before yelling, “WHICH I AM VERY NERVOUS AND ANGRY ABOUT!!!”

When pressed for comment on the ways in which their petty complaints, delusional grievances, and deranged conspiracies were driving America’s upward manufacturing capacity trends, various movement leaders of right and left factions all seemed to be unanimously outraged that their outrage wasn’t being treated as a reasoned, rational response to a world gone mad.

Analysts are predicting that this outrage alone could result in a 2% bump for the next quarter.

Because I hate you

Fred Phelps' Westboro Baptist Church God Hates "Fill-in-the-blank" Choir decided to drop the new hit summer jam for all the kids to groove to while they burn in hell. It's titled "God Hates The World" and is sung to the tune of "We Are the World." Because while God does hate gays, you, soldiers, America, Pomeranians, doorstops, chicken cutlets, the 1812 Overture, non-religious types, gays, Gouda cheese, the Ford Focus, and the 1973 Philadelphia 76ers, he does like re-purposing famous songs to spread his message of hate. In case you're wondering: it's exactly as classy as you think it is.

I think this will be the new "Poker Face". Get ready to hear it in the clubs.

Oh good, Bush is talking again

George Bush is back and he's got ideas and opinions and stuff! And he needs you to hear them. He just wants you to be absolutely clear: he isn't criticizing Obama. Even if he does criticize Obama after he says he isn't. It's like saying "with all due respect" before telling someone their wife is a whore. You said "with all due respect" so it's not an insult.

"I told you I'm not going to criticize my successor," he said. "I'll just tell you that there are people at Gitmo that will kill American people at a drop of a hat and I don't believe that persuasion isn't going to work. Therapy isn't going to cause terrorists to change their mind."

I might not have read everything Obama said about Gitmo and committed it to memory, but wasn't the whole plan to move the terrorists from an inland chain link prison to good old fashioned American concrete and bar prisons? To move them from outside our and the world's legal system to the inside? Not, as the Decider says, give them a session with a therapist, have them partake in a trust 'falling' exercise, and then loosing them on the streets of Dubuke.

I just think inmates of our federal corrections facilities would probably find it funny to have their maximum security surroundings described as "therapy". But then again they aren't as smart as George Bush. After all they're in prison and he's walking around free, despite being a bigger crook. I think he knows what he's talking about: federal prison is for schoolgirls and namby pamby therapist pussies. If only Obama would get that through his head.

Everything in Iran is fixed now

Don't worry. Those mourning rallies, new protest rallies, investigations into deaths resulting from a military attack on Tehran University are all unnecessary. Why? Because the people who helped rig the election are totally going to look into complaints about vote rigging.

Iran's rulers today offered a fresh concession to opposition protesters angry at the official results of presidential elections by inviting candidates to present their allegations of vote-rigging at a formal session.

The powerful guardian council has convened an extraordinary session for Saturday and invited the three candidates who were, according to official results, defeated by the incumbent, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad.

The council announced on Tuesday that it would re-examine disputed ballot boxes. Its move came as tens of thousands of protesters began to amass on the streets of Tehran for a sixth day of demonstrations.

Whew! Crisis over. Mousavi will just forward a link from Nate Silver, point out some of the more glaring electoral impossibilities, the fact that several laws of the space-time continuum seemed to be broken during the first "counting" of the vote, and then I'm sure the Guardian Council will see the error of their ways, respond sanely, and will either have a re-election or actually go and count the votes they didn't count last time. Then all the protesters will simply go home, say thanks for restoring their "democracy", and completely trust the results. Those who rigged the election will totally see the error of their ways, vow never to do it again, and commit themselves to a full and fair legal accounting of their crimes. This completely sounds like a situation where evidence is important, reason reigns, and cooler heads prevail.

Or, you know, everyone gets arrested, sham trials, heavier police crackdowns, and Ahmadinejad continues to walk around and act like he can't believe everyone thinks there's anything unusual going on in his country. One of those two. Either way, I'm sure this is the end of it. The fox agreed to look into the henhouse incident. Crisis over.

Everybody chill out. Nate Silver is here.

America's #1 pop statistician (yes, we have those) chimes in on some, ahem, irregularities in rural voting patterns during Iran's recent presidential election. Apparently all of the farmers suddenly love Ahmadinejad.

This means that at least one of two things must be true. Either the urban-rural dynamics of Iran have changed significantly over the last four years -- at least insofar as it they affected perceptions of a candidate like Ahmadinejad. Or, alternatively, the election was rigged, and those who rigged it for some reason decided that rural votes were easier to steal.

Enjoy your fatwa, Nate. You'll be missed.

Broken in Brief: Iran can't believe you bought that 'democracy' bullshit

TEHRAN--Diplomatic relations between the west and the Islamic Republic of Iran have collapsed virtually overnight as the Middle East power has become distracted by quashing reformist protests to the disputed presidential election and rolling around on the floor in a fit of debilitating laughter.

Orders by both incumbent president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad and Ayatollah Ali Khamenei to crush opposition demonstrations over rampant voting irregularities were reportedly issued through tear-filled eyes, as neither Mr. Ahmadinejad nor Mr. Khamenei were able to stop laughing long enough to order police and military into the streets with a straight face.

"I... can't... believe... you all.. fell... for... it," the diminutive leader said, barely able to speak through his constant, hysterical laughter. "It was so obvious, and you fell for it hook, line, and sinker. Here, let's shake hands and make up," he finsished, offering up his hand in friendship. "Whoops," he yelled, pulling his hand back dramatically as onlookers attempted to shake it. "I got you again. AH HA-HA-HA! This is too easy! Ali, Ali, you talk, I can't stop laughing."

But Ayatollah Ali Khamenei was unable to even form basic words as he was laughing so hard. As he was doubled over cackling, some journalists began to point out a trail of urine seeping out from under his robes. Soon he was able to compose himself enough to sarcastically toddle over to a cardboard box at the side of the stage and mockingly put a slip of paper into it.

"Look! Look! I'm expressing my rights as a free citizen," the religious leader said before once again rendering himself unable to speak due to his uncontrollable chortling. It was at this point that President Ahmadinejad fell to the floor laughing, clutching his sides, and kicking his legs in a wild manner. "It's... just... so... funny," he squealed, gasping for air.

At press time opposition and protest leaders were unable to understand what was so funny. But sources close to them were preparing their own return joke. One source close to rival Presidential candidate Hossein Mousavi was heard to quip, "From a physical comedy standpoint, what's funnier when it happens to a despotic leader: public stoning or public hanging?" before being dragged away and tossed into a windowless van.

Picture of the day: Ahmadijinescared

From the good people at the International Society for Human Rights. Also, should you Twitter, we advocate switching your location to Tehran so as to better confuse the assholes trying to limit the amount of information coming out of that country during these protests.

Word of thanks

To the people of Iran. Thank you for translating your protests for foreign audiences. I no longer have to wonder what the squiggles say, you're providing the subtitles. It helps to know whether you're saying "Free Iran" or "Fuck Ahmadinejad".

Stay classy, Palin supporters

I guess I shouldn't be too surprised. I mean these are people (15 of them) who are emotionally, ethically, and morally inspired by Sarah Palin. I mean they didn't even bat an eye when someone who charged rape victims for their rape kits took up the charge for oppressed women everywhere on the basis of David Letterman becoming the 1 millionth comedian to make a "Bristol Palin got knocked up" joke. So I guess it isn't surprising that they'd not comport themselves with the utmost class during their widely covered (3 media members for every protester) Letterman protest.

"Should we talk about his son? I believe his son was born out of wedlock. I believe there's a term for that."

"Is someone making jokes about his child? Especially, you know, when he had a daughter out of wedlock himself"

"How dare he? When he has a bastard son, and a slut for a wife"

“He will rape you with his mouth.”

"Close the borders!"

"I only watch Fox News!"

Yes, those last three were actual quotes from the protest. It's nice to know that while protesting a joke, they still have the time to rail on immigrants in between un-ironically commenting on the bastard status of Letterman's kid and decrying his wife as a slut. And then there's that mouth rape comment......yeah. Isn't that all the stuff they're mad at Letterman for doing?

Stay classy. Maybe you can get 16 people to show up for the next protest.

Headline of the day

Mexico cocaine 'hidden in sharks'

Drug sharks > drug mules.

Oh, to be a rich athlete

I want to be a rich athlete. Not because of all the money, fame, and recognition. No, because I want the freedom to drunkenly kill people with my car and fire off handguns in or around 'da club.

Financial agreement avoids lawsuit

Cleveland Browns wide receiver Donte' Stallworth took full responsibility for killing a pedestrian while driving drunk in Florida and began serving a 30-day jail sentence Tuesday after he pleaded guilty to DUI manslaughter.

Stallworth also reached a confidential financial settlement to avoid a potential lawsuit from the family of 59-year-old Mario Reyes, according to Stallworth's attorney, Christopher Lyons. Reyes was struck and killed March 14 by Stallworth, who was driving his black 2005 Bentley after a night drinking at a swanky hotel bar.
...
Stallworth faced 15 years in prison. According to the plea agreement, Stallworth needs to serve only 24 days of his 30-day sentence.

Hearing adjourned until September

Former New York Giants wide receiver Plaxico Burress is negotiating with several NFL teams to return to pro football this season after a judge delayed his trial Monday on gun possession charges.
...
Outside court Monday, Brafman said it was "inconceivable" that Burress would face trial on the charge before 2010, said several teams were trying to sign his client, and "physically he's in the best shape of his life. He's ready to play."

First off, nice use of the word 'swanky' in a story about a drunken car murder.

Let's see here, not only is there stone cold hard evidence that Stallworth was over twice the legal limit, there's video evidence of him hitting a guy, and a dead body. All of this and he doesn't get more than 30 days? Burress on the other hand is charged with criminal possession of a weapon. Despite the fact that they have stone cold evidence that he was in fact not only in criminal possession of a weapon, but shot himself with the weapon, they can't seem to get a trail started within two years of the incident. Not only that, but a man who shot himself with an illegal gun is going to plead not guilty and try to argue that even though he had an illegal gun and shot himself with it, he wasn't in possession of an illegal gun. He'll probably win too.

What's that sound? It's Pacman Jones nodding with approval and Michael Vick wondering what the fuck he went to prison for. He got a year plus for killing dogs. Stallworth killed a human and won't even have to serve a full 30 days. I definitely should have become a professional athlete. When I get busted on for drunkenly waving weapons at dogs I've run over with my car I'll have to do real time.

Who is that masked man?

Has Max Talbot moved from leading the Penguins to Lord Stanley's Cup to leading the protests against the Iranian election and leadership? Was Max's gesture at the Philadelphia fans to STFU really a political statement about the suppression of the voice of the Iranian people?

I will say this: the resemblance is striking.

One last victory lap

Yinz Luv 'Da Guins! clocks in with it's Stanley Cup Game 7 recap. Stick around for the highlight montage interspersed with crowd reactions from a NY Pens bar. Spines are tingled, hearts are touched, all religious/ethnic/gender/racial conflicts are mended, and this blog helps throw one more kidney shot to the city of Detroit.

Superstar treatment baby.

Classy as always, New York Post

Want to turn a reformist struggle against an authoritarian, saber-rattling, anti-Semitic ruler who refuses to wear a tie into a cheap cocktail party joke? Hire a NYPost headline writer.

Hard to blame them, I guess, when you take a quick glance at the story's online comments section. There you'll find such gems as...

ghostoflombardi wrote:
Breaking News...
The World is in Turmoil:Brown People Gone Wild

(and)

Pure White wrote:
Turban Warfare, Mullah Buckers, Jew Tube !
I JUST LOVE THE POST !

Ready facepalm... and... fire.

Broken News: Detroit accidentally invited to Rust Belt party

Fe → Fe²⁺ + 2 e⁻A distinct awkwardness ensued at this weekend's annual Rust Belt Potluck and Regression Party when Detroit, whom the member cities had agreed not to invite, showed up empty handed and visibly intoxicated, dragging a rusty red wagon carrying the broken remnants of its automotive industry.

"We we getting ready to crack open Toledo's bacon-wrapped meatloaf when, all of a sudden, Detroit kicked open the door," said Rochester, who hosted this year's event. "That prick crashes the party, makes all sorts of comments to Windsor's wife about 'short-dicked Canadians' and then gets indignant when we ask it to leave? He used to be King Shit Auto and can't handle the fact that it's all going downhill and Japan is pulling all the hot model ass he used to pull. Even Korea is fucking with him now. He's on the government dole and just can't deal with it."

The event has taken place every summer since 1983, when the future (or lack thereof) of America's manufacturing base became clear. Typically, the participant cities take turns hosting the party, although Cleveland has skipped its past two scheduled hosting duties due to its ongoing struggles with alcohol and depression.

According to eyewitnesses, Detroit managed to offend each and every city in attendance, at one point taking off its pants and declaring itself "The only Economic Depression Sheriff in Town" while grabbing at its crotch and wildly swinging a tattered aluminum replica of the Stanley Cup above its head.

"We're all in the shits to varying degrees, but we try to stick together, you know?" said Gary, Indiana. "It's not so much a party as a support group. We've all been roundly fucked over by the coupling of government and multinational corporations and it can get pretty depressing. This event is supposed to be a brief reprieve from the soul-crushing despair. Then someone had to go and invite Detroit..."

"He needs help," said Gary as he sighed into a plastic bowl of macaroni salad.

This behavior continued for close to an hour before Syracuse tricked Detroit into believing that Pittsburgh was willing to apologize for rubbing salt in its sporting wounds and was waiting in the driveway. Upon going outside, Detroit was confronted by Duluth, Milwaukee and Youngstown, all of whom were wielding crude street fighting implements. After a tense discussion punctured only by Cleveland's high-pitched, whiny insistence that everyone, "Just calm down and come inside for more Kamikaze shots," a sobbing Detroit ran off into the night, the remainders of his fake trophy scattered across the driveway, the wagon overturned in the gutter.

Speculation continues as to how or why Detroit came to know the time and location of the party, as the participant cities had all agreed not to say anything. In the hours since the incident, Pittsburgh has emerged as the prime suspect. Some think the city of 300 thousand, which has rebounded from the collapse of its heavy industry better than any of the others, might have wanted to gloat over its recently regained "City of Champions" moniker, lack of any major fires or floods, and emerging high tech and medical corridors.

Asked to address the events of the evening, Pittsburgh cracked open another Iron City tall boy, took a long sip, and said, "What? Oh, I'm sorry, I couldn't hear your question over the sound of all this winning. I was just busy reading a few things that I found interesting," The 'Burgh quipped before dramatically throwing down copies of the Economist, US News & World Report, and Rand McNally's Places Rated Almanac, all of which have recently rated Pittsburgh America's "Most Livable" city.

"Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go make preparations for a G-20 meeting. That's right, the Group of Twenty Finance Ministers and Central Bank Governors will be all up in my many rivers. Stephen Harper and Susilo Yudhoyono, live and in the flesh, bitches. Not that any of you would know what that's like. See yinz later," Pittsburgh laughed before firing an empty can at the back of Cleveland's head and sauntering out the door.

An embittered Cincinnati, a single tear rolling down its pudgy cheek, was heard to mutter, "He'll be back down here with the rest of us, you just wait," before burying his face between Green Bay's bulbous man breasts.

Detroit has yet to resurface since the evening in question and is believed to be in seclusion aboard a barge anchored in the western end of Lake Erie. This is admittedly speculation, though, as no one seems to be looking all that hard.

Pictures of the day

The Big Picture Blog with scenes from the event that Iranian leaders say isn't happening. It directly follows a photo series of the Iranian election and the people being happy about expressing a limited form of Democracy. Yeah.....didn't work out so well. If you go look at them note the transition between the two sets: smiles become frowns and the ink stained index finger turns into a blood stained middle finger/fist holding rock.

Whoops! Pobody's nerfect.

Hmmmm. I don't know how to quite say this, as I know the revelation will shock and horrify you. But it seems that our terrorist detention, rendition, and interrogation policy wasn't as smart and effective as we all initially thought it was. I know, big surprise. It seems some rather large mistakes were made. The Washington Post has come forward with another story of how some...faux pas...were made.

An al-Qaeda associate captured by the CIA and subjected to harsh interrogation techniques said his jailers later told him they had mistakenly thought he was the No. 3 man in the organization's hierarchy and a partner of Osama bin Laden, according to newly released excerpts from a 2007 hearing.

"They told me, 'Sorry, we discover that you are not Number 3, not a partner, not even a fighter,' " said Abu Zubaida, speaking in broken English, according to the new transcript of a Combatant Status Review Tribunal held at the U.S. military prison in Guantanamo Bay, Cuba.
...
Abu Zubaida, a nom de guerre for Zayn al-Abidin Muhammed Hussein, told the 2007 panel of military officers at the detention facility in Cuba that “doctors told me that I nearly died four times” and that he endured “months of suffering and torture” on the false premise that he was an al-Qaeda leader.
...
He described the response he received: "You are not American, and you are not on American soil. So you cannot ask about the Constitution."

I can't believe it three guys we waterboarded (and it was only three!!! No, you can't check records to see if that's true) wasn't even who we thought he was. So let's revisit the checklist: not only were we engaging in massively illegal conduct deemed illegal by our own laws and international laws, not only did we spend our waterboarding time asking about mythical Iraq/al-Qaeda connections, but one of the guys wasn't even who we thought he was.

Slow golf clap everyone. I'm not sure they could have fucked up more stages of this. Not only weren't we asking useful questions, we weren't even waterboarding the correct people. Were they even using water? Are we certain they weren't trying to waterboard people with syrup or dirt? Bush decides to break laws and torture and then handles it will all the care of a drunk Inspector Clouseau in a china shop. Wonderful, we didn't even get to sell our national soul for something good. Isn't that always the way? Though, to be fair, if this was baseball, batting .666 would be a pretty legendary career. So if you think of it that way it's....mildly less shame inducing.

I can't believe he didn't adress his illegitimacy

With his country rioting after its sham election, seven killed in recent protests, Iranian press being confined to their buildings, foreign press having visa's revoked and being thrown out of the country, and Iran's Guardian Council saying things like "partial recount" and "maybe this wasn't the best idea we've ever had", Mahmoud Ahmadinejad took to the stage at meeting of the Shanghai Cooperation Organisation with a lot to talk about and a lot of problems to address. So of course he banged on about the US and empires.

"The international capitalist order is retreating. It is absolutely obvious that the age of empires has ended and its revival will not take place."
...
"Iraq is still occupied. There is no order in Afghanistan. The Palestinian problem is unsolved," he said.

"America is overwhelmed by economic and political crises and there is no hope in their decisions.

"The allies of the United States are also not in a position to wrestle with these problems."

Don't forget "Iran is affected by a corrupt dictatorship that rigs elections, its people are rioting in the street." That's kind of a large problem. Mostly for you. The US? We're doing just fine, thanks for worrying though. You're so sweet.

Maybe you didn't read up on those parts of history where massive populist uprisings against dictatorships turn violent, but it usually doesn't end well for the leadership. At the end it usually veers into shot in the head/on fire in a ditch or shot alongside your your mistress/hanging on meathooks in the public square/bodies stoned by revelers. If I were a Iranian Mullah, and Allah willing some day I will be, I'd be more than a little worried that my body would be dragged through a public square while citizens gleefully struck my corpse with their shoes. Just food for thought Mahmoud. But then again maybe this will all just go away if you keep pretending nothing happened. I'm sure it'll end well. Especially for you.

Broken In Brief: Unused Red Wings championship t-shirts diverted from Third World to Detroit

DETROIT—Today the National Hockey League and UNICEF announced that instead of donating irrelevant "Detroit Red Wings 2009 Stanley Cup Champions" apparel to the impoverished Third World nations of Africa, the items will instead be sent to the impoverished third-world city of Detroit.

“After much deliberation, we have decided to send these shirts and caps to where they are most needed,” announced NHL Commissioner Gary Bettman, during a morning press conference. “We believe that the basic shelter from the sun that these garments will provide, not to mention the psychological boost Detroit's citizens will receive by thinking something positive happened to their city this year, far outweighs the good they would have done in Africa."

Continued Bettman, "The NHL and UNICEF are proud to do whatever we can to mitigate the misery felt by the beleaguered citizens of that destitute Third World hell hole. Plus, we'll save a bundle on shipping.”

Whereas the shirts and caps would normally be put on a cargo vessel bound for the west coast of Africa, aid officials speculate they can cut fuel costs by over 90% by simply dropping boxfuls at Detroit's high-traffic public areas: soup kitchens, homeless shelters and freeway underpasses. Added UNICEF spokesperson Kyle Madigan, "I think the people, and I use that term loosely, of Detroit know better than most how important it is to conserve fossil fuels."

Reaction from the Third World was largely positive. “I think these people just need these garments more than we do,” said Thabo M’Leza, a subsistence farmer from the Mbemba tribe of Nambia, while wearing a 'New England Patriots: 19-0' t-shirt. “We have heard of these hardships faced by the Detroit people and, frankly, we are in awe of their suffering. Let them have the shirts and some manner of dignity; we’ll get by without the free hats. We wouldn’t wish their troubles on our worst enemy.”

Nike and the NBA have already agreed to join the NHL in bringing some measure of humanity to a city that has quickly become everything foretold by the Robocop films. NBA Commissioner David Stern has offered to send unused Orlando Magic championship caps, as well as shirts bearing the “Kobe vs. LeBron: The Finals matchup everyone’s been waiting for” slogan.

Said a clearly emotional Stern, "No American should ever be looked down upon in pity by Windsor, Ontario."

Representatives from the City of Detroit were unavailable for comment, however sources close to whichever oft-indicted criminal is sitting behind the mayor's desk this week say that they are looking forward to a time when the rest of the nation grows tired of kicking the Motor City as it lies fat, irrelevant and helpless on the oily ground.

Stay classy, Ari

The fires haven't stopped smoldering and the riots, demonstrations aren't even finished in Iran, and the results of all this action is as of yet unknown. But that hasn't stopped Ari Fleischer from popping up to make sure credit is properly assigned (providing things end well) to the one man who deserves it most: Hossein Mousavi the Iranian people George W. Bush.

“A big push for reform is because of the desire of Iranians to get out from sanctions, to put an end to the country’s international ostracism,” Fleischer wrote and, most interestingly, “because Shiites in particular see Shiites in Iraq having more freedoms than they do. Bush’s tough policies have helped give rise to the reformists and I think we’re witnessing that today.” [...]

So “I think it’s fair to say the George Bush’s Freedom Agenda planted seeds that have started to grow in the Middle East,” Fleischer concluded.

Some assholes would try to point out that our little Iraq fiasco actually made Iran stronger, more influential, more prosperous, and gave credibility to people like Khamenei and Ahmadinejad, but then they'd be wrong. Bush only gets credit for the good stuff that happens in the Middle East, not the bad stuff. I'd just like to thank Ari Fleischer for taking time off from whatever it is he's doing now to remind us of that incontrovertible fact.

Pop quiz, hot shot

Are these photos from the actual Iranian election protests, a separate purple/yellow revolution in addition to the green revolution, sympathy protests in solidarity with the Iranians, or idiots rioting en masse after a basketball championship?

Next question: would this country would get angrier/do more property damage over a sporting loss/victory than it would over widespread electoral fraud? I think it best not to answer that question, we can only make Ghost Jefferson and Ghost Washington weep for us so many times per month.

Oh good, more chaos in the Middle East

Hey remember that part where millions and millions of Iranians went out and voted in what many world leaders, observers, and bloggers were calling a sign of hope for free and fair elections inside Iran and signaled hopes that what was essentially an Islamic theocracy was showing signs of becoming more modern and willing to join the world community? Yeah, that all went pear shaped, didn't it?

I can't believe rigging the vote in the most ham-handed way possible, shutting down methods of communication within Iran, blocking foreign news, putting rival leaders under house arrest, sending in police to beat up protesters, immediately signing off on election results, and ordering people not to protest didn't go off without a hitch. Unpopular coup attempts from an unelected religious theocracy against popular reform leaders usually go so well. Especially when they come at the end of an election that saw massive turnout in favor of that reform. I can't believe the Iranian people didn't buy it. I would have swore picking a random landslide number and saying Ahmadinejad won by that number would have worked. I guess that's a lesson to all you future dictatorships out there, when you nakedly rig an election, say your guy won by 51%, not 67%.

What now? Well suddenly crazy right wing claims of Iran/Israel military conflict don't sound so far fetched. Inside Iran there seems to be not only realization that this whole process was a farce, but real anger, and serious attempts to make sure this fraud isn't allowed to stand. Mir Hossein Mousavi, the man who really won the election, is still alive and seems to be able to organize his supporters into action. In a surprising reversal, Ayatollah Assaholla Khamenei has decided that maybe this whole election rigging for the massively unpopular leader the people are now in the streets rioting against chanting "death to the dictator" thing was a mistake and has ordered an inquiry into the election. Of course the same people who rigged it are probably going to be doing the inquiry, so let's not get too far ahead of ourselves just yet.

Isn't the Middle East great? Just when you thought there wasn't one more way that the place could become crazier and more unstable, Iran rigs an election. Good times. Oh, American TV media? You might want to , I don't know, cover this a little more intensely. It seems important.